Alright. . .

I had a really hard night last night, obviously. Just when I thought I was doing so well without him, thoughts of him returned to me faster than anything. I really love the guy, and I feel like he's the one. But if he is the "one". . . why isn't he here with me? Why did he act in such a cruel way with me? Why did he lie to me? He did the most horrible things you can ever do to someone. That leads to one conclusion: He is not the one.

I may feel flaming, undying love, but laying on my bed last night, soaked with my own tears. . . I realized. I should hate the guy for all he did to me. I shouldn't feel any kind of love, or guilt. (Especially where his slut girlfriend is concerned.) I didn't do anything to him but try to love him, and be good to him. I never expected what was to happen, and it isn't my fault. And that girl tried to make me feel like shit because she was insecure. Rightly so. I almost took her man away from her..without even meaning to.

He's pathetic, and one day he's going to wake up and realize that he isn't happy. If he was so happy with her, why the hell did he have to lie to her, and me? He's a creep, and if he comes crawling back, no way will I take him. It's not right! None of it was right! There I was, completely naive and innocent...while he had his fucking fun!

. . . I was just laying there, feeling the cold and the darkness of the night, and I felt so angry and hurt. I suddenly thought of revenge. I thought about justice. I wanted to hurt him..to make him pay for everything. I wanted to make everyone pay for their cruelty.  They're all having fun being assholes, while I, a person who has never done a damn thing to harm anyone else, sits there in tears, and is held back so horribly. . .

How is justice from anything sitting there, crying and suffering, unable to have a good time or live? How is justice not excelling at things I should, because people were dicks? How is that justice??

I realized that my justice won't be about hurting people anymore. It will be about not hurting myself.

I am so determined to finally get justice- which means really taking care of myself and not letting anything get in my way anymore. I've made so many mistakes- been through so much pain. I've felt so much hurt, and have suffered so much at the hands of mindless idiots. It sickens me to see myself suffering like this. How could I ever have lost all of that self respect? It's pathetic, is what it is.

And I will not have it anymore.

This means REALLY forgetting about Dave. Not mentioning him in here- forgetting the creep ever existed. He doesn't deserve me remembering him. I'm better than him, and he knew it all along. He just was a jerk who used me. I've accepted that, I think, and I'm ready to finally gain justice.

This is my official theme song BTW

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqLsWA8PDi8

Because it's My Way, or the Highway.

And yeah, I am a bit of rebellious bitch. But I don't really care. I will be from now on, because that's just who I am. I've always rebelled against stupid shit that doesn't matter. Like cliques, like dumbass hoes. Like dumb politics. I want to be the one in control of my life. I love being in control.

...It's kinda funny that I'm a BDSM submissive, considering how bitchy and controlling I am. I feel so bad for my future Dom -.- . . .He's going to have such a hard time with me. Most people do have a hard time controlling me.

In any case, I have to deal with that stuff too. Being a kinky runner.

. . . And still wear pink all the time.

Goddamn I am such a confusing person.

The only thing getting me through is my best friend Mike. He is incredible, and I love him to pieces.  Me and him are pushing each other so hard right now to get better and quit being depressed. It's so great to have a friend like him. I want to be a better friend though.

Anyway..now him and I are going to have to stay up all night to get back into a normal sleeping routine. . .

Gah lmao. . . anyway

Gotta go.

Bye!

But, in the end, the Air Force wants to see all kinds of "techniques and technologies" to "Deceive, Deny, Disrupt, Degrade, [or] Destroy" hostile systems.  And "in addition to these main concepts," the Research Lab would like to see studies into "Proactive Botnet Defense Technology Development," the "reinvent[ion of] the network protocol stack" and new antennas, based on carbon nanotubes.

raditionally, the military has been extremely reluctant to talk much about offensive operations online.  Instead, the focus has normally been on protecting against electronic attacks.  But in the last year or so, the tone has changed -- and become more bellicose.  “Cyber, as a warfighting domain . . . like air, favors the offense,” said Lani Kass, a special assistant to the Air Force Chief of Staff who previously headed up the service's Cyberspace Task Force. "If you’re defending in cyber, you’re already too late."

"We want to go in and knock them out in the first round," added Lt. Gen. Robert Elder, commander of the 8th Air Force, which focuses on network issues.

"An adversary needs to know that the U.S. possesses powerful hard and soft-kill (cyberwarfare) means for attacking adversary information and command and support systems at all levels," a recent Defense Department report notes.  "Every potential adversary, from nation states to rogue individuals... should be compelled to consider... an attack on U.S. systems resulting in highly undesireable consequences to their own security."

This past weekend the City of Philadelphia lost another policeman to senseless violence ( 3dead over the last 2 years). This all on the heels of the State Supreme Court overturning another city legislative attempt to get the horse back into the barn. I am at a loss to grasp what it will take to shock or traumatize a state into understanding the absurdity of defending the ownership of assualt type weapons, flimsy backgroud checks and seemilgly non-existent limits to the numbers of weapons you can purchase and/or own.

I am NOT looking to ban gun ownership in any way. I think accountability is not alot to ask. More stringent background checks and "cooling off" periods........limits to numbers purchased at one time..........registration/training and responsibility to report the weapons loss with strict penalties.

The deaths of law enforcement personnel has not even cracked the lobby in Harrisburg. I cannot imagine what it will take.......what tragedy and of what proportions will cause the politicians to take notice. Something is going to have to hit very close to home.

            Another thing over which I have no control?  Darn it!  And I always thought that the “Door Close” button really worked!  I guess if I want to regain some semblance of control in my life, I’ll have to ride only in pre-1990’s elevators…

 

            From Gizmodo:

 

            “Earlier today we posted on a New Yorker piece about a man trapped in an elevator for 41 hours. But the real gem of the article was the mountain of ‘Did you know...’ facts laced throughout. Like that Door Close button you're always pushing? Yeah, it doesn't work. Here's the full list:

 

• As mentioned above, the Door Close button is there mostly to give passengers the illusion of control. In elevators built since the early '90s. The button is only enabled in emergency situations with a key held by an authority.

• The only known occurrence (sic) of an elevator car free falling due to a snapped cable (barring fire or structural collapse), was in 1945. A B25 Bomber crashed into the Empire State Building, severing the cables of two elevators. The elevator car on the 75th floor had a woman on it, but she survived due to the 1000 feet of coiled cable of fallen cable below, which lessened the impact.

• Elevators are twenty times safer than escalators. There are twenty times more elevators than escalators, but only 1/3 more accidents.

• Elevators are also safer than cars. An average of 26 people die in elevators each year in the U.S. There are 26 car deaths every five hours.

• Most people who die in elevators are elevator technicians.

• The Otis Elevator Company carries the equivalent of the world's population in their elevators every five days.

• The New York Marriott was the first to introduce a smart elevator system that assigned passengers to elevators depending on what floor they were heading to.

• Elevators used to require a two-man dispatcher/operator team to function. The advent of navigational buttons rendered those jobs obsolete.

• The area required for personal space is 2.3 feet. The average amount on elevators is generally 2 feet.

• Elevator hatches are generally bolted shut for safety reasons. In times of elevator crisis, the safest place is inside the elevator.

• The myth about jumping just before impact in a falling elevator is just that — myth. You can't jump fast enough to counteract the speed of falling. And you wouldn't know when to jump.

• Due to the laws of physics, elevators can't be any taller than 1700 feet. Hoist ropes become too heavy after that, snapping at 3200 feet.”

Here’s the link:

 

http://gizmodo.com/380741/things-you-dont-know-about-modern-elevators

 

 

this one's for you.


yes, i know what you're doing.

the remote control? the phishing? the mock connections and mock pages?

what i just do not know though is how could you bring yourself to do it? why would you compromise your sense of right and wrong for this unjust act?

you've already spent a lot of your time monitoring me so if  you would just call on your good judgment (and not the twisted voice of your de-mentor), you know that i don't deserve all the hacking and the stalking and personal, social and economic sabotage you all are doing.

have i done you wrong? have you seen me do anyone wrong? is it wrong to get angry because i am forced and pushed in a corner i don't belong in?

does it make you feel you  "belong" just because you are  "capable" of  playing god by controlling and seeing what goes on in my life?

why do you wanna "belong" with people who are doing what isn't right?

yes, i am angry because of what you are doing.

i shut in and our of painful reverie contemplating all the things, the acts,  you have done and are continually making.

but will i go against you?

no.

because you are just being used as a pawn in a game that you allowed your dementor to set before you.

you think you are playing god by forcing me into a game you wanna call the shots on?

analyze. who's really calling the shots?

who's really the pawn?

me, do i have any choice?

do i have the option of saying no to the bugs you so wantonly splay anywhere i go?

i have spent a good deal of time, a thousand different ways,   letting my voice be heard that  this  harassment - this violation of my right to privacy, my right to live a life - is unwelcome.

you, you do have a choice.

you have a conscious knowledge of what's being done.

yet you are a willing participant to this heinous act.

why?

and your subhuman dementor, what stories has IT created to convince  you that you  need to do this?

analyze.

who are the pawns?

whose game are you playing.

the dementor's using your ego against you.

against me.

IT knows that you need to convince yourself that you're good at what you are doing and IT makes you think that i am the canvas you can paint your heinous works on.

i know IT will attempt to morph my words into something i never intended to say. that IT will make you interpret the message again, calling on your ego, but hear me on this.

if you want to, don't listen to me.

don't listen to IT, too.

just listen to yourself.

and in your good judgment, listen to your inner voice.

naive as it may sound, i have always believed that deep down in a person's core, there's always that small speck of goodness. that goodness within.

and if you but listen to yourself.. or to the pure, unadulterated, unmodified profile you have of me... you'll know that i am speaking the truth.

please see who's violating whom.