Confussion @ MindSay

I have been horrible about analyzing my feelings in the past... mmm for good reasons I suppose, but at the same time, I definitely hurt myself by doing so. Idono. Where is the line between ignorance and neglect? Am I protecting myself from being hurt or am I doing the right thing by letting things just run their course? How much of my life am I in charge of? God gave us free will, but if God has pre-determined everything in my life, what part of it do I control? Do I control anything or does he just let me go through the steps of making a decision and then in the end make it for me anyhow? So many questions... this is why I try not to think. I hate asking questions that don't have answers. I hate wondering about the unknown because when I finally find out the answer, it'll probably be too late to share my knowledge with any living mortal.

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
-- James Thurber

Am I happy? yes... no... yes... no... Why can't I give myself a straight answer? Maybe if I narrow the question: Superficially, am I happy? I'm doing well in school, I enjoy classes, I have friends, I have a boy friend that loves me, I appear healthy, I go out, I'm comfortable with my body, I had a wonderful birthday, I have a sweet dorm, haha! Yes, to the outside world, I am happy. Internally, am I happy? I love and am loved, I eat/sleep enough, I miss my wife and sisters, I wish I was more committed to piano, I am a bad girl friend, I'm having problems being honest with myself, I'm not happy with my current relationship. It has been going down hill for at least a month and a half now. We don't talk much, and when we do, well... and this weekend alone with him was just plain uncomfortable and slightly awkward. It got to the point where I didn't want him to kiss me. I think we were closer before we started dating. I need to talk to him... soon. So, internally... is being half happy possible?

Winter is coming... I need to have shit figured out before winter...

I hate winter.




Damnit I missed class.





Again, this applies (why am I just a lyric whore?):

Well I don't have the answers
can we just sit quietly
let the sound of the rain wash the doubt away
just start over
to hold your hand
to have your fingers in my hair
as I watch your mouth
tell me how you really love this

Oh love
I am not above
the fear of changing
the fear of failing
I am not
a solid rock
sometimes I have trouble
believing in me
believing in me

If I could see through you
everything you see in me
maybe I would cry
maybe I shouldn't try
'cuz no one's perfect
I would like the chance to breathe
to fill my lungs with grace
rest of letting go
I don't have to know all the answers

Oh love
I am not above
the fear of changing
the fear of failing
the fear of leaving
I am not
a solid rock
sometimes I have trouble
believing in me
believing in me

~Keri Noble

okay i have this money saved up for a car. i really want a car. but i dont' think that i'll need a car as much as i thought that i would b/c i'm not working as much as i thought that i would be. anyway i haven't been able to pay off my DTS bill b/c i'm saving this money for a car. and now... i dont' want the car. i would rather pay off my dts bill and get a mp3 player (not an iPod) but i'm confussed. i really want a car. but i just don't want to pay for one. not to mention the car that i have in mind just doesn't really do anything for me. like i can't see myself driving it... hum....

wow, alot of shit going on. lets see im not getting started on me and john becuase im jsut working out my feelings and me and him are just talking again, so im not jinksing it and shit. anyway things with chris, no more, i wont speak to him, i got rid of his sn and im done with everything to do with him and i wish him the best in life, althougth i didn't block his sn, if he talks to me then i will be nice, but i dont like him anymore. which is a good thing bc i have wasted enought time on him, and my friend adam reminded me that i have to live life while i can and i cant waste it, i <3 (adam) so much and he has helped me so much along my way already, i mean he is the one that got me seriously into the arts and stuff. and for that i love him so much, i have to really. :) anyway lets see, things with chuck and florida im still so confussed about them, i dont know waht to think. i mean chuck was the guy i loved back in may and the begining of june, but i screwed up so baddly bc of florida, now im just conffused, anyway florida is in ::suprise suprise:: florida, he is down there till saturday, i talked to him for the first time in forever he sounds good, but im still really mad at him, i told him if he wants to talk to me he is gona have to call me. so i will c what will happen with florida, and with chuck, me and him have been talking latly, and things have been bettter, considering that we are talking again. he was the reason i stopp ok i got to go the guys r here, lol. more later, bye ::edit 1:37 am:: ok so yeah like i was saying ok sorry more later