Confusion @ MindSay

You said it so simply and meant nothing by,
But the things that mean little
Got caught by my eye.
I heard something more than what you said
And all I now want is silence without dread.

I told you a bit of what I thought I heard
And what you replied hurt me more inside.
You made me sound silly, girlish, and scared
When all that I wanted was concern, love, and care.

I know that my thoughts are confused and perverse,
But I asked you for time to sort it thru first.
I got cross examined and I finally just said it,
And the look I got back made me feel
Small, stupid, ...taken for granted.

Deep down inside, I know that's not so.
But your words cut so deeply and stayed well-planted.
I value your opinion, your look, and your word
So know that I'll hurt even tho you don't plan it.

I'm not silly or vacant, dumb, or terse.
I'll tell you if I know, so know that I mean it.
I'm not the sort to squirrel feelings inside
If I can tell you straight out and tell you no lie.

My heart gets cut deep and I need time to sigh.
Stay back 'til granted pass to know the reason why.
I want you to know so it ne'er happens twice,
Moving us closer thru this poem's device.

The last couple of weeks have pretty much warn me out a little, but I know I'll get used to becoming tired during the first portion of the week.  At least I enjoy my job and it couldn't have come at a better time.  I won't be getting a full pay check until the 28th, but I'll be getting one that will help out the holidays on the 14th.  A couple hundred dollars extra never hurt anyone.

In other news, I'm confused.  Just so confused.  And hitting that point (ya know, the one I hit every so often) where I believe life ought to be fair, but it isn't.  A couple of days ago, I found out that Tabetha is due on June 20th with her second child.  Her son is barely six months old.  I felt it was unfair to my nephew for not being able to get excited that he's going to be a big brother because he won't understand.  I even feel it's unfair to me because, well, I just seem to always get jealous when I find out somebody's expecting because I want to feel that joy of motherhood and the anticipation of bringing a new life into the world just as much as any other woman would or does, but I can't feel it because my doctor says no or Josh says no and tells me that adoption is another option to consider.  Why do I have to resort to adopting?  Why can't I be normal and go through a normal pregnancy and go through a normal delivery?  Simply because I'm not normal, that's why.  Guess it's been about a year since I lost the baby and I hate the fact that I start feeling the way I do during certain times of the year.  I try to ignore those times but it's extremely hard to just act like nothing ever happened around this time of year just a year ago.  Wow, it has been a year.  I remember it so well.

I guess I just complain a lot which is one of many reasons why I can't see why Josh can even put up with me.    

However, since that point in time I've yet to feel anything toward or for anybody, I've been going around having tons of people asking if I like certain girls.. but the complete honest truth is, I haven't met but one girl recently that I feel somewhat happy to be around... but the fact that she lives so far away, I mean.. seriously, just screws my plans up a lot, I've talked to her for like, the past two years or so.. but I don't really see anything happening.

As for everybody else goes, I think it's just that people in Knoxville have started to disgust me and make me hate everything about it, lately I feel like I've been stabbed in the back so many times so often, that I can't tell people anything, without fearing that it will spread to 10 other people, I have no intentions of hurting people and I definitely have some secrets that I feel some people should know, but not everybody..

sometimes I wish I had that love feeling again, but most of the time I realize that it's more of a hurt in the end, because apparently I'm a fuck up, somebody who seems worth it at first, but later on isn't, maybe it's because I'm somewhat afraid to get into anything too deep, anything that makes me feel dedicated to another person, even though I love it so much.. I guess you could say I love everything but love itself...

I've also noticed a lot lately that people are unfriendly, unkind, unwilling, unloving.. they're so self centered, that they can't even care for another person and I know lately I've held some grudges, but it's only when somebody does something completely uncalled for...

I bought Dracula and Vampire Stories, at Borders I asked my mom if we owned Dracula and she said no, then she also added, "Who's gotten you into that?, you're supposed to be the Christian kid in the family", which struck me really weirdly, seeing as how I seem to be the only person in my family interested in Christ or Christianity in general right now, so apparently me being a Christian automatically turns me away from Fiction novels? it automatically makes me hate anything dark? it honestly makes no sense.. then later on she told me that it was "really gruesome"... seriously? I don't know what was going through her head, especially when she asked who got me into this.. I mean, I've always liked Vampires, I just never really expressed it, but last Halloween I finally did, which apparently meant that I couldn't be a free minded being.. and that it was somebody else that turned me to it.. and I've never really been sick or grossed out by violence or anything of that kind.. so I thought that was kind of interesting.

so.. for the time being, I'd just like to say that I'm trying to figure life out.
I'm also trying to figure out if I'm really just sick of relationships or if I just haven't found anybody that interests me.

until next time,
and I'm surprised I'm still alive,
Later!

Jason.

Nimbo posted an entry titled:  Why I Believe In God.    I found the effort, the presentation very convoluted and beyond my comprehension. Her reply request states: "Tell me that you love me".  I replyed.  Then this came down.

 

namastelaoshi on July 3, 2008 at 1:55 PM

HUH?

Okay, I love you. Oh, I also believe that you are... are... are... I don't know. Certainly, for me, your "argument" with whomever, is so, so convoluted and, again, for me, so nonsenseical that I cannot follow it. I am inclined to state that what you presented is insane in its' presentation.

 

To quote Forest Gump "I am not a smart man." I never studied logic and only had general math in high school. I say this to let you know that I do not hold myself out to be authoratative with my evaluation of your presentation.

 

With that being true I am not uncomfotable stating that noting that you have presented can stand any test of lucidity. It's, I say with sincere considered seriousness, I say your presentation is immature in the least and, more probably insane. It is insane. It is crazy; worthy only of being discarded out of hand. -David

 

swanginbajingo on July 3, 2008 at 2:27 PM

Re: HUH?

Wait. You couldn't follow with what he said, but you stand to claim that you can make a proper judgment?

You might as well say the Chinese are all insane just because you couldn't decipher their language but recognize that they have numerous ways to say one thing.

At least he presented reference points and elaborations: you simply took numerous sentences to say and repeat "your argument is insane," making your entire post superfluous and more convoluted than his explanation, which is interesting because you said much less than he did.

But your entire lack of reasoning stems from the fact that his title said "Why I believe in God" and you decided this wasn't an elaborate explanation, but instead an "argument," which is a mistake too many people who "argue" religion make. Even if you had taken courses in logic, it wouldn't have helped you one bit. He answered a hypothetical question, not imposed a debate. Logic doesn't apply here; context and reading comprehension do.

 

nimbo on July 3, 2008 at 6:38 PM

Re: HUH?

Thank you, namastelaoshi, for your honesty. And thanks for standing up to [for] me swanginbajingo. In some ways, you are both right. (Also, I'm a girl.)

 

swanginbajingo on July 3, 2008 at 7:13 PM

Re: HUH?

XD Whoops. I fall into the group of people who use "he" as a generic pronoun for people and "she" as a generic pronoun for things. XD

 

namastelaoshi on July 3, 2008 at 9:42 PM

HUH? I mean huh again?

"You couldn't follow with what he said, but you stand to claim that you can make a proper judgment?" so say you. Correct? Well I thought that I made it perfectly clear that I was not too smart and that my "judgement" [I thought I was making and observation] should be highly questioned.

 

To clarify a error in my reply to Ms. Nimbo I offer the following: "...I am not uncomfotable stating that noting that you have presented cannot stand any test of lucidity." is an error. I should read "...nothing that you have presented can stand any test of lucidity."

 

Then "...he [she] presented reference points and elaborations:" True. She did a lot that which led to my observation that all such was so too, too convoluted to render it anything but immature in presentation and maybe even insane. It is what I said and I do not back down from what I said in this instance from the perspective of a not-smart man who, by the way, cannot also comprehend your presentation either.

 

I know that you know what is in my mind and what and how I think because, you did did you not, say that above? Thanks for your advise not to take a course in logic [something I had truly been considering at age 67]. Being assured by you that I would be a failure at it you have saved me some time and expense; neither of which I have great resources of. You so kind and considerate. Thanks, David

 

swanginbajingo on July 3, 2008 at 9:43 PM Re: HUH? I mean huh again? It's okay. You're welcome.

 

namastelaoshi on July 3, 2008 at 10:32 PM

HUH? HUH? HUH?

That's it? Really? You are so, so much better than me, indeed, and better than all of we and that's it? HUH? -David

 

swanginbajingo on July 3, 2008 at 10:44 PM

Re: HUH? HUH? HUH?

Now, now. Don't get emotional on someone else's blog. We don't need to flood her inbox. If you have a complaint, come to my blog. This will be my last message so as to avoid any further nonsense on her recent updates.

 

namastelaoshi on July 3, 2008 at 11:10 PM

Me thinks me understands.

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." - President Harry S. Truman

Have you ever had one of 'those' days where it doesn't matter who you speak to...somehow you say the wrong thing?

I seem to be having one of those weeks. I say too much. I don't say enough. I try to explain and I end up not knowing if I've messed it all up. I doubt. I worry. I find myself in pain.

Sometimes ducktape over the pie hole seems the most expedient option.