Confusion @ MindSay

 After reading the blogs of young people on mindsay  and other community spaces , I must say "It's good to be 50".
Young people seem to be so unhappy and confused. I still remember that. Searching for love and happiness, trying to become who and what I wanted to be, trying to look the way I thought I was supposed to look, raising children, raising hell,  buying first homes, first cars, first loves, loves lost, balancing school, work and a personnel life. Who am I , where am I , where the hell am I going??? The endless questions that plague the mind. It was all so draining you wanted to go to sleep and never wake! I remember when  my neighbor attempted to "proselytize" me when I was in my early teens. She said "Don't you want to go be with Jesus and live forever"? I remember my exact words to her was "Hell no. I just want to go to sleep and rest...forever."
The physical and emotional changes our bodies go through along with parent pressure,peer pressure and barometric pressure was enough to cause your brain to explode!! Too much input...brain on overload!!! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!!!ARGH!!!!!!!! Yep...I remember it well.
But now I'm 50 and loving it! I have no desire to be young again thank you very much. You can keep your youth with all it's bullshit.
I'm no longer coloring my hair, I'm letting the gray take over. I've been dying my hair since I was 13 because I wanted to be "beautiful" and brown was so generic. Now I shall look like the wise old granny I am!
I have quit struggling with my weight trying to look like someone I'm not. I am a chunky but "fit" gal...deal with it.
I am a humanist, I do not believe in any religion...period. I believe that it is up to each of us as part of humanity to strive to make the world a fair, just and better place.I am happy and satisfied with who I am.
I love to study history, philosophy,etc....and believe the day I cease to learn shall be the day I die.But I have no pressure to learn, no classes to attend, no homework to do...ah.......
My kids are grown with families of their own and I have beautiful grandchildren to play with if I feel the urge for interaction with children, other wise my nest is empty and peaceful!
I don't have to impress a boy because my guy said "I do and always will" 25 years ago and shows me everyday he means it.He is the love and focus of my life and my greatest treasure!
So young people, take heart. One day all the craziness of youth will one day be behind you. Stay fit for healths sake but don't stress over your appearance. You are an individual not a hostess twinkie, so allow yourself to be you. You can't please everyone (although I'm sure you try) so please yourself. Best make the best out of this life cause theres no guarantee  you'll have another. This one is for certain...love it, live it, cherish it.
I can honestly say be fifty is more than "nifty"..it  is frickin wonderful! I'm not afraid to live and I'm not afraid to die.
My advice to you...take life one day at a time, keep your hearts , your eyes and your minds open. Cut yourself  and others some slack and try not to be too serious. Laugh often and never get to old to "play and imagine".
Breathe in and breathe out, scream when you need to scream, laugh when you need to laugh and cry when you need to cry...then shake it off and keep on walking.

February 15th, 2009: 8:54 A.M A.M ~ Top Blogs: 3nd Place. 2 Votes.
Holy crap, guys! Thanks so much! 0.o

Well, it's currently twenty minutes until two A.M. I can't sleep. So I wrote this, and it holds more of a personal meaning than a past poem, 'You', did. I'll explain why later. Again, yes, it has to do with the topic of abuse. Sorry for writing about it again. It's just something I feel I have to write about. Please enjoy! :)

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Cliffs, Confusion, and Inner Conflict
Written by Emily G. Fieldus

My eyes are burning, as I shed these tears,
It's like the past; the blood from my wrists;
I can't explain why I cry over you,
Though, right now, it's only the most I can do.

Don't push me off a cliff,
And then go down to catch me.
Stop rolling the die, we know it's gonna be the same.
I'm quitting this game.

Don't tell me what I want to hear,
We both know that you won't mean it;
Don't glare at me with eyes so sheer,
As I reapply my cloak of fear.

Mysterious, delirious,
I've figured you out;
Two-faced, quick-erase,
Where are you when I need you?

I can't stop holding on,
You think I'd have let go;
My heart, my mind, my soul,
Are out of my control now.

Why do I still love you,
Like you said, you had all the answers;
Everything's broken, shattered to pieces,
My urge to stay slowly decreases.

The edge of a dream and a nightmare,
Somebody classify what this is;
I'm now on this cliff once more,
Bracing this fall, my bones will snap as I hit the floor...

With my broken back upon the rough surface,
I shall ask you, with all fear removed;
"...Why... Did you treat me this way...?"
I take one last breath, inhaling all the memories, as you shake your head in dismay...

And die.


- February 15th, 2009.
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I used to self-harm back in April-ish or so. I don't do it anymore. So that's where the second line came from, and I always imagined that they were my bottled up tears in the forms of my own blood. I know, a little confusing. In an emotional abuse relationship, your abuser may insult you - then the next day, may shower you with compliments. That's where the "cliffs" come in.

I would greatly appreciate it if you would tell me what you thought of this. :) Bear in mind, it's now 2 A.M over here and I'm overtired and wasn't in much of a mood to think. XD
Hope you enjoyed this. :)

Today was the official first day of school, even though classes began on Thursday. I'm sad that summer is over,yes, but I am overjoyed that I'll have something to do til May. I guess it was a good first day and I hope that the rest of the year continues this way (with less confusion of  where my classes are).

I am so confused right now. My future is in limbo and I have options that don't appeal to me. I'm lonely and I'm hurting right now and the people closest to me will be affected by whatever I chose. And yet I don't know what to tell them. My feelings and choices are so contradictory to each other.

I don't want the choices I'm being offered. I want to take care of those I love without stagnating in a single environment from loneliness and lack of human interaction. And yet.... and yet.

I don't know what to do and that seems like an unacceptable answer. I have a social thing coming up and I was so happy making little plans and getting stuff ready and the one that I love seemed unhappy that I was devoting so much time to this gathering. But for once in a long time I was happy.

I am happiest planning and figuring logistics out. That is who I am. I am not some great collegiate scholar. I am not some person who will survive well in a 9-5 environment. I've been there and done that. I barely survived. True I am good at whatever I put my mind to, but I become terribly unhappy. My life suffers. I get depressed and I end up with sleeping problems.

I feel like the one niche that I'm capable of and that allows me to utilize all my skills for the benefit of those in my life isn't good enough. Am I just too high strung? I never thought of myself that way but it seems that is the case.

I hurt right now. I don't see my future as very bright. Heck, I have a hard time envisioning the future right now. I was so happy, and now I'm not.