Confused @ MindSay

i've got so much on my mind and no one to talk to about it. i hate this. i hate this because i feel so alone and when i feel alone like this i do stupid things and go to people i shouldn't go to just in the hopes that i can merely feel something that i need but won't ever have there. I don't know what to do with myself. i hate the internet. i find places, forums where i feel like its safe to be me and then something gives and it turns out i'm not accepted there. and of course matters are made worse cuz, no matter how emo it sounds, i honest to god feel like no one understands me except for Anna and she's three fucking time zones away dealing with her own bullshit. i'm so angry and lonely i can't sleep. at least i didn't get close to anyone so this doesn't hurt as badly. Catch 22- if i'm alone i feel lost in a void but then again no one can make the problem worse. fuck my life. this happened here, too.

not sure what i feel, what i want, what i'm doing with myself, what this means...i'm making mistakes, but why?

i'll try to be on here more when i go to europe so i have some record of the experience, but no promises

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Alright, I've been feeling shit for over a week now.
I got so upset earlier, I laid on my bed and thought about what I've been doing the last week that I don't normally do. I've compiled a list:

1. I either eat shitloads or nothing at all
2. I can't be bothered showering, brushing my teeth/hair or general hygiene tasks
3. I can't sleep on a nighttime - at least not before 4AM
4. I randomly fall asleep during the day
5. I'm cutting myself every day
6. I can't force myself to cry
7. I don't seem to think very often
8. I can't be bothered talking 
9. I'm not being difficult when mam asks me to do things
10. In effect, I'm actually being nicer to her
11. I'm not turning my light on when it gets dark
12. I'm feeling the need to masturbate a lot - especially at around 12AM-2AM
13. I'm randomly gagging when I put food in my mouth
14. I'm always thirsty
15. I'm getting a lot of headaches
16. I'm getting a lot of random stomach cramps
17. My stomach often feels harder than usual
18. I'm not going to the toilet very often
19. I'm always warmer than usual
20. I can't concentrate on something for very long
21. My excema is going mental
22. My chest always feels tight
23. But I feel less and less bothered to actually take my tablets/inhalers
24. I'm more proned to shouting at Shelly for being stupid, and have done several times
25. I find myself sitting somewhere for an hour and not actually accomplishing or even doing anything
26. I can't keep my head straight for very long - it seems to flop to my right a lot
27. My arms feel very weak
28. As do my fingers and my wrists
29. My eyes sting randomly and my vision fucks up

And I don't even know what the fuck could have triggered it off.
I got depressed earlier over watching this shitty programme with mam - and I don't even know why.

I managed to force myself to cry, and because I can't cut myself at the moment (mam would see, it's far too warm to wear long sleeves to hide them) - I punched myself in the face and smashed my head against my headboard and my wardrobe. I gave myself a massive headache, made my nose bleed a little bit and triggered off my asthma.
Shelly rang me in the midst of all this - then I ended up arguing with her.

I went on MSN to talk to Adam - then I went to lay on my bed again mid-conversation.
He's changed his personal message to angry stuff and his Facebook status is all like "Hmph, some fucking friends" - I don't understand, is he angry at me because I stopped talking?
He just went straight offline too, so maybe he's angry at me as well.

Shelly was angry at me for ages - she used something against me that she shouldn't have and I hung up on her and turned my phone off - then got around to calming down, letting her ring me again - made an effort to sort things out, but it didn't seem to fucking get anywhere.
She even suggested we split up, for if we couldn't go back to being friends - it would affect Ash, and all this.

Sigh, I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.
I was considering jumping out of my window earlier.
It's only about 12 feet from the ground, I wouldn't have died - maybe just broken an arm.
I was actually quite close to sitting on the windowsill - I was knelt on my entertainment stand, with my elbows on the frame - looking down out of it...

For fuck's sake - why can't I just die.
Every time I try to trigger an asthma attack - something MAKES me take my bastard salbutamol and then all my efforts are wasted.
What's the fucking point.

If I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, I'd make an effort to sort it.
But I just don't know.

 Today, July 8 2009  at 5:50 pm a friend killed himself in his home; alone in his bathroom. John and his wife have been going through marital problems and after speaking to his father about his marriage he left advising he would return 10-20 minutes after retrieving his cell phone. He arrived home, dressed in his police uniform called 911 placed the phone on the floor and shot himself in his bathtub. He wasn't perfect, I didn't always get along with him, but he was the person willing to give his shirt off his back for another friend, stranger or victim.

I have so many questions and more than anything so many answers. Its a dark place depression and confusion. I look back and thank God everyday that I am still in the here and now. I can't cry and with that being said I can't stop crying. I have guilt and anger and want to scream and hit someone or something

The department called in a team of grief counselors and all I could hear was the teacher from Charlie Brown!
Why?

Now what do I do?

Recently I find myself drawn to someone that I could never have imagine myself with. Even now..

I mean it'd be unfair to say that i can't imagine myself with him, I can actually and surprisingly, I can imagine myself quite happy with him. But really? would that be me?

certainly not the rebellious and crazy me that everyone is used to seeing. perhaps that would be good no? perhaps its time to grow up. and perhaps that i am finally attracted to what could only be called a nice decent guy is a sign that i am growing up. but it still haunts me... wouldn't i still hook up with the bad boy down the street if i had the chance? the truth is i would.  so easily i admit to my own promiscuity..what does that make me?