Confessions @ MindSay

On September 4, 2009, Conversations with American Heroes at the Watering Hole features a discussion with former Army First Lieutenant and retired Oakland Police Department Sergeant Robert Searle.

Program Date: September 4, 2009
Program Time: 2100 hours, Pacific
Topic: Confessions of an Oakland Cop
Listen Live:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/LawEnforcement/2009/09/05/Confessions-of-an-Oakland-Cop

About the Guest
Lieutenant Robert Searle, served in the United States Army for three years, including a tour in Vietnam, “spent approximately 23 years in law Enforcement after serving in the Vietnam War. Most of that time was with the Oakland California Police Department. There he worked as a Patrol Officer; as a Field Training Officer; Undercover Agent for The Federal Organized Crime Task Force; Sergeant in Patrol; and as a Sergeant in Major Narcotics Violators Unit of The Vice Squad.” Robert Searle is the author of Streets of Fire: Confessions of an Oakland Cop.

According to the book description of Streets of Fire: Confessions of an Oakland Cop, “The release of Streets of Fire could not be better timed; we need his story now! If you are COP (i.e., Constable on Patrol) Bob understands you. If you like intrigue, grit, excitement and nail biting action, read on! If you are a father, Bob's a great example: his three sons prove that. If you are a young person looking for a role-model, Bob's book is for you. If you are a hooker being controlled by your pimp, or an addiction, please read on. If you are a College student looking for a quick and exciting read, this is it! Or, if you are simply tired of insipid books that don't carry much weight nor deliver much punch, and you are looking for a book that delivers entertainment, counsel, intrigue, suspense, and-the occasional shock factor--then this book is for you!”

About the Watering Hole
The Watering Hole is Police slang for a location cops go off-duty to blow off steam and talk about work and life. Sometimes funny; sometimes serious; but, always interesting.

About the Host
Lieutenant Raymond E. Foster was a sworn member of the Los Angeles Police Department for 24 years. He retired in 2003 at the rank of Lieutenant. He holds a bachelor’s from the Union Institute and University in Criminal Justice Management and a Master’s Degree in Public Financial Management from California State University, Fullerton; and, has completed his doctoral course work. Raymond E. Foster has been a part-time lecturer at California State University, Fullerton and Fresno; and is currently a Criminal Justice Department chair, faculty advisor and lecturer with the Union Institute and University. He has experience teaching upper division courses in Law Enforcement, public policy, Public Safety Technology and leadership. Raymond is an experienced author who has published numerous articles in a wide range of venues including magazines such as Government Technology, Mobile Government, Airborne Law Enforcement Magazine, and Police One. He has appeared on the History Channel and radio programs in the United States and Europe as subject matter expert in technological applications in Law Enforcement.

Listen, call, join us at the Watering Hole:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/LawEnforcement/2009/09/05/Confessions-of-an-Oakland-Cop

Program Contact Information
Lieutenant Raymond E. Foster, LAPD (ret.), MPA
editor@police-writers.com
909.599.7530

k, so here's the skivvy...
1:  List 10 things you want to say to people, but know you never will.
2:  Don't say who they're about.

ONE:  a lot of times i wish you'd show more affection for me.  i know that things happened in our past, and i know that in a lot of ways, my move to michigan set us way back, but i'm here now.  i'm back.  i am right here beside you screaming inside because i know you'll never understand.  and maybe i won't either.  and i guess one of the things i'll never understand is why we can't just put it behind us and be happy and one and in love.

TWO:  i wish i could be a bigger part of your life.  i wish we could get together more and talk and share and be precious together.  i love that we're so different, but i wish i was more like you all the time...  i wish i was smart like you.  i wish i could write and draw and create like you.  i wish i could be free like you are.  and most of all, a lot of times, i wish we could be together...  but i feel so stuck.  i feel so trapped sometimes and i know it hinders our relationship.  and i'm so sorry for that.

THREE:  i hope your ribs heal soon...  i can't believe how quickly life can change.  it had only been ten or fifteen minutes between our phone calls and all of a sudden, BAM!!  it made me realize how fast things come at us in this life.  it made me think about how much i care for you and how much i wish i could be out there with you to take care of you.  i know i never said it, i know i never really showed it, but i love you.  i always have and you will always hold a special place in my heart.  forever....

FOUR:  sometimes i feel like i could go weeks without calling you and that would be okay..   sometimes when we talk, i get so annoyed and sometimes i just want to hang up.  i feel like you don't know me and like you never really have.  i still hate how you've treated him.  i still hate how you both did.  he is the biggest part of my life and has been for four years (to the day, by the way).  he is more of a man than you'll ever know and he deserves more respect than you show him.  some day he will be the father of my children.  some day he will be more of a father than any of the ones i had and i am so excited for it to happen.  i proved you wrong.  i am happy.  i am whole with him.  and i wish you'd just suck it up and admit you were wrong.

FIVE:  thanks for nothing...  i'll see you in hell.

SIX:  i miss you guys so much and can't believe i'm missing out on the three of you growing up.  i'm sorry if i was a bad sister.  i'm sorry i'm so far away.  but maybe some day you guys can come out here for a visit.  :)

SEVEN:  i saw what you did that night...  i saw you tear apart that ceiling fan when i snuck upstairs to find out what was going on.  i saw you rip off a fan blade and beat the rest of the fan with it.  i heard you yelling and i heard a lot of what you said.  and i'm pretty sure that was one of the most terrifiying nights i've ever been through... i was getting ready to tell the boys we were gonna sneak out the window and go to the neighbor's house to call the cops...  and that's just the beginning...  so,  i can't handle talking to you yet...  but maybe i'll get there some day...  i guess we'll just have to see how it goes...  and p.s.  i'm not coming to vegas to meet you...  and i probably won't be calling any time soon...  sorry.

EIGHT:  i'm not afraid of you any more...  i used to sing along with alanis when she said "soon i'll grow up and i won't even flinch at your name."  i thought i'd never reach this point, but now i have and it feels great.  i hope life is treating you as well as it's been treating me lately.

NINE:  some times i think i've underestimated you.  i've never given you the chance you deserve to shine and be heard and i'm sorry...  but maybe it's not too late?  ...  i will try to fix you.

TEN:  i guess i never really knew you...  but some how, now that i haven't been to church in just about two years or so, i feel closer now to your divinity than ever before.  my ideas about you are changing...  my ideas about life are changing...  and it feels pretty great...  i'm a big fan even though i haven't read all your books...  thanks for watching out for me.  :)

I don't feel like writing this right now.  My head hurts, my voice is going horse, I'm hot, and generally just feeling blah.  Yet I am writing it, because I have set myself a goal to write a blog entry five days out of the week.

Since I missed that last week, I have to be doubly sure to hit the goal this week.

We have to do things that we don't feel like doing.  This is true with writing as well as anything else; especially if we get paid to write.  Something like a deadline might loom large in the horizon, if we don't write the deadline will come and go without our material being handed in.  You might still get paid for this project, but what will it look like when you go to get another project?

Write when yo do not feel like it; let your fingers do the talking when your mind can't concentrate.  You may wake up the next day to find that it is all crap; but at least it is crap you can edit in to something worth reading.

This won't be a long post today, just a reminder that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do.

I'm staring at the screen wondering why my eyes hurt, realizing tha I have about 7 and 1/2 more hours to work...maybe I'll write something else here if I'm feeling better.  Heh at least I have this written down and I won't have to worry about it again tonight ;)

I hate the mandatory 4 to 10 hours I do every day for money.

That is all I'm working for..money. Not because I enjoy the job, not because it is my career...not because I want to be there.

I must say that my job is not bad. I work from my house three weeks out of the momth. I sit on my butt all day; there is no manual labor involved. I can watch tv, play games, surf the net, and generally do what I want between calls.

yes it does rock.

YET at the same time I am not passionate about my job. I don't want to move up (Although I was forced to go up in tech level hehe.) I have no desire to climb the ladder and become a supervisor. One reason I am writing as much as I am now is to eventually not have to do jobs like the one I have. It is a good job, but it's not what I want to do with my life.

What would I like to do? Write, mostly. Play music, design web pages, things that are creative and make full use of my mind and imagination.

Without realizing it I think I developed an artistic temperament. This is a bit ironic since, as a kid, I disparaged those with such "personalities."  Maybe I made fun of what I knew, in my heart, I would become.

However a person must have money to survive. One thing this job has done, outside of all the other jobs I've had in my life, is to really goad me on to become what I would like to be. It's amazing really; a good job is making me want to seriously work as a writer.  I've had some really, really bad jobs in the past; why is this one different?

I think it is because my attitude has changed about life. I see that I can become successful instead of fearing that success.  This is something a person that wants to make it as a writer (and anything else really) must keep in their minds at all time.  "I can succeed!" Not in an egotistical way, but in the "You can do whaty ou put your heart in to" type of way.  One thing I have to say for this company, the supervisors and people in charge really want you to do that; to not stay at the position you came in doing.

Maybe some of that is rubbing off on me...

I love language.

Or, to be more exact, I love the English language.  American english; I love to play around with it while I write and figure out new ways of painting pictures with words.  I think I'm pretty good at doing this. People have told me how they see what I'm trying to get across. (We won't talk about if they WANT to see it or not right now ;))

However I'm not the best when it comes to grammar.

I'm learning however. I believe grammar is a tool you need to learn to use as a writer.  This is one tool among many but a good tool nothing-less. .

This is a tad different from my younger days. I used to think that a talented writer went beyond such platry things as grammar.  If a person is a great writer it'll shine through, right? 

Well that's kind of an egotistical way of looking at things.  As a writer you have many tools at your disposal. Just like a soldier you need to know how to use these tools: you need to train with them until it is something that is secondary to you.  If you don't know how to use these tools you will not know when  you need to deviate form the set rules and break them. 

I believe you will break the rules and relish the thought of shattering a preconceived notion that you may particularly loath. 

If you don't know what your are doing you may end up shooting yourself in the foot.

Don't believe me? Go and find a gothic horror  vampire alien sci love triangle fanfic and read it. 

That will give you an example of  why you need to learn your tools, how to use grammar in the most proper sense.

(Not to bag on fanfics, there are a lot of good, un discovered writers out there. But there is a lot of bad undiscovered writers out there..More power to all of them I say!)

Remember to learn and use your tools as a writer. They are all indispensable as a gun is to a soldier in the middle of a war zone.