Confession @ MindSay 
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I want a lot
but I don't think I have the work ethic to get it
I know I can, its just a matter of doing it.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find purpose in my life. I often suffer from lack of motivation, but it makes me question why I do things. People go about their lives so blindly it amazes me. They are so self centered, so caught up in the "present" they often forget for what reason they are even living at all. I would hate to become one of those people, but I fear I will become one, simply because its the only way to go.
Because eventually you will die…and in the infinite constant known as time, you will always be forgotten. This makes me want to stick my middle finger up to the world and do whatever I want. Does it really matter? Whats the point?
Were just organisms on this tiny planet in this unthinkably large universe going about our own little business. If that isn't insignifigance, I don't know what is.
Sometimes I wonder
Why
I'm ready for my first full on verbal battle with my girl's teacher this week or next. I am hoping that I am able to go into the room, say my peace, forbide my girl to do something and be done with it. This is the best case sinario (sp?). The worst case sinario (sp?) is: Me going in to the room, saying my peace, forbide my girl to do something and have to go head to head with the teacher, Administrator, and both priests!
So what is my battle going to be about? Reconciliation! For you none Catholics out there that is confession! Most Catholic's first confession happens in the 3rd grade and according to most Priests it comes after the child has had their First Communion. I made a death bed promise to my Aunt Kathy to have my children baptised in the Catholic Faith. My kids were presented to my Gods for Protection and Blessings in the hospital and a year later they were baptised in my mother's religion. My mom and at times my dad (he thinks I am going on a 10 plus year fade with my spirituality at times) are pretty open about my spirituality because of the area we all were raised in. Plus my mom loves to debate the priests and nuns about the bible and how hypicritical it is! But she did ask one thing of me and I will do it for her. Please get the kids their first communion, this way if they choose to make Catholism their chosen faith when they get older it will be easier on them to get confirmation. I figured what the hell! It doesn't hurt them to learn about other religions. And being taught Catholism and going through two of their rituals is the same as going through the Lutharn Mo. Sect and American Lutheran rituals!
They are starting their First Communion Classes this Wensday evening. DeLaney isn't to happy about having to share her moment of First Communion with Coltin (she is a year behind in classes due to TX being odd and old fashion bring back the Dark Age Rituals of first communion and confirmation!) but she is happy about finally wearing my first communion dress! But I refuse! REFUSE to let my children do confession.
This was my biggest battle with my mother when I was my daughter's age, it was our biggest battle every year till the day I was confirmed! I see NO NEED to confess anything to a Priest when God is suppose to be ALL KNOWING, sees everything we do, knows why we do what we do, and forgives us as long as we ASK! The Priest is NOT a Christian's judge and jury and has no right to say some one is absolved of sin. The deal with my mother was I get confirmed to make her happy and I was confirmed in the 5th grade which is young by Normal Catholic standards (not texan or the dark age standards a lot of catholic churchs are going back to) and after that I could study and practice any religion or spirituality I wanted. I studied various religoins from that age up till I was out of my parents house and choose my the Celtic Side when I was about 18 years old. With my spirituality the Gods are knowing of what you do and why. And they judge you not on HUMAN behavor but as to why you did something! There are a lot of Grey areas that can go either way in a Moral and Ethical living person and in fact the Gods don't really judge you but treat you as a friend, lover, son, daughter, and special person and if you fucker up that is on you and not the GODS! They help when you need help and you have helped yourself!
Anyway I will NOT allow my children to confess to anything! They are children and have commited NO SIN besides being children! And our Gods including the Christian God knows that when they are disrespectful to their parents that it isn't a SIN but HUMAN Behavor and children sometimes do get mouthy but that doesn't mean if they are brought up with standards, morals, and ethics that they direspect their parents on a whole!
So this will be very interesting!
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Date Line June 30, 2007
Now here is a piece of insight. Brain researchers have finally gotten a handle on why meditation works.
The brain has emotional centers which are calmed through a process which identifies the emotion. If you name it, it is yours to control. In the process of meditation, emotions are identified, they are labeled, a name is given to them poor
Rumpelstiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin. Remember him? It was just a matter of naming him and he would vanish; and his claim on the child with him.
Name the emotion, identify it, and the emotional center calms. Remove the unknown; identify the source of the noise, and the fear it instill diminishes to the point of non-relevancy.
We know Freud. Old Sigmund and his couch taught us that people who talk about their feelings have more control over them. It is said that we do not know why this is true.
Psychologists, Priests, or any seeking University tenure researching the esoterically narrow realms of human behavior might not know. It is possible that white tower occupants are too secluded from the real world to know what the children of the nursery are taught
Discover the name of the dwarf, tell him he is Rumpelstiltskin; or have your mommy tell you that the noise is the wind, the shadow a branch, and the fear eases away.
Put a name to an unknown, make it known and the fear which is intended to keep you safe need not continue. Ancient responses to very real dangers, fear of an unidentified, which can threaten or kill, is a survival mechanism. Name that fear, and it falls into its proper perspective.
We fear the real, can control the imaginary, and can dismiss what we can place into a past, present, or future, context.
Meditation is one process by which emotions can find context. It is our conscious tool for the handling of day to day problems. Sleep is our unconscious tool.
In sleep, the mind goes into deep rest and then pulls to the surface in what is known as REM sleep. REM, Rapid Eye Movement, is named for the physical trait which allows the outsider to know the sleeper is dreaming.
The body, the eyes, "look" at what is seen in the dream; and the eyes track the action with the concurrent effect that the pupal marks a trail across the closed eyelid.
Awake in meditation, or asleep in REM, we allow our mind to process information. Strangely, we also sleep when we watch television. Oh! We might be awake and recalling the show, laughing, or crying, pondering events as the script unfolds; but, for our mind, the passive activity is akin to sleep.
The TV serves as REM, with the difference that it imparts its story rather than allow us to invent a tale from what we experienced during the day.
What researchers will eventually put together, but which is really already widely known, television, passive entertainment with a story line, must still be processed. The fantasy becomes intertwined with reality and our rationality shifts accordingly.
The fantasy of passive fiction, well written, can alter the thoughts of a society. Take reality, place it in a fantasy, a mythological, context, and the fantasy becomes truth.
The politician, the would be leader, who can tap the fantasy reality is the one who gains power or the rational realist. Reality is context.
Identify the source of the fear, and the fear vanishes; even a lie about the source can alter the reality based reaction. A cord of recognition is struck by a catch phrase, by a buzzword, by an unfounded yet irrefutable claim, and the lie becomes the truth which destroys.
A simple survival mechanism; controlled by its owner or another, the very simplicity by which it can be subverted becomes a threat to survival of the individual, the lineage, tribe, clan, nation, species.
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.I don't know what it is, but I can't write it. It's a ten page paper--already kind of a bitch--but I'm usually able to b.s. my way through it. I'm the king of b.s. For some reason, I just can't make myself do it. I've written about three pages. Three.
.The paper's over confession, or why men confess. God knows I've done enough of that to be an expert, but it's not that simple. There's a whole history to confession; forced confession, Catholic confession, confession in psychotherapy... so many kinds of confession. And then I have to go into the psychological aspects of confession. I want a get-out-of-paper-free card.
Confession time
I haven’t played much piano lately. I needed a break from it. I got to one of those plateaus in learning that have always defeated me… that place where I could only go so far and then regression and anger. I’ll explain.
Allegro means clipping right along at a fairly fast rate. It is one of those Italian terms that classical musicians have used for centuries. There are lots of Italian words that tell what speed to play something or if the music is to be played loudly or softly or smooth and mellow or choppy and jagged sounding. Well, the ditty I was working on was named “Allegro” by Haydn. Right off the bat I knew this two-pager was to be played fast and because of other markings on the music I also knew it was to be played with a light touch with periods of loud followed by periods of soft, and a multitude of other picky little details that if done right, make music such a pleasure to listen to.
When I began practicing this piece I concentrated on learning the notes and fingering and progressed into the more difficult forms of expression. All the while I attempted to get faster and faster. Finally I got the thing almost to speed, but when I did that my fingering was lousy and the expression was not what was indicated by the music. I slowed back down and tried again. As long as I played the piece considerably slower than allegro, I could get all the other things right. But when I brought it up to speed I had no control of anything else. Back in forth I went. I could feel the frustration building until I lost all reasonableness and began shouting at the music, the piano, my fingers, and my inability to master this stupid two-page piece of music.
A few days later I spoke to the pastor I work for about this. He was preparing to teach a mid-week class on one of the seven deadly sins – anger. After I described all my feelings he said that I was anger about the something that lay between me and what I wanted to accomplish. I agreed. I explained that I often felt that God only gave me half talents – many things that I can do, but not do anything really well. He then asked me if I was angry at God. I pause and then agreed I was. I am. How can a person love God and be angry at God all at the same time? How can I resolve this? I really want to play the piano well, but how do I know if God indeed really only gave me half a talent and if so, what good is it if it only brings on frustration? Perhaps he actually gave me a whole talent, but I’ve never worked hard enough to master the instrument. How do I know?
So, all this is running around in my head when we hit the topic of prayer in my own Bible study. Obviously the thing to do is pray about this dilemma. But how do I approach God about it? Do I ask God for more talent or do I ask him to help me use the partial talent he did give me in some way for him. (I was a dismal failure the year I accompanied one of our children’s choirs several years ago, so don’t suggest that.) Or do I ask for a sign about the actual ability level in this area that he did give me so I won’t keep knocking myself out to do something I will never really be able to do or I’ll know to keep trying. I feel I need to be as honest as I can with this prayer, but I’m not even sure if it’s ok to say, “God, I’m really mad at you for giving me a half a talent when I would love to be able to play all the great church music written over the years.”
In the mean time, I’m staying away from serious practicing for awhile. I’m looking forward to some kind of resolution to this problem, but right now I feel like I've lost a friend.
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