Commitment @ MindSay 
love
Do the ideals of marriage remain the same for remarriages? Most of us have assumptions as to what makes a marriage successful. Historically the cornerstone of a successful marriage in this country has been trust and some measure of equality. Trust that our partner has our best interests, both financially and emotionally, at heart and that both partners are working together towards common goals. Are these fundamentals of successful marriages the same for subsequent marriages or do remarriages warrant an updated, revised version of the old ideals?
How do remarriages live up to first marriage ideals? When partners come into a second marriage with baggage (kids, debt, ex’s, past hurts/traumas) is it realistic to aspire to ideals that are formed fitting first marriages? Ideals that are formed without accounting for baggage? Is the ability to or level of trust irreparably compromised in a remarriage simply by having participated in a divorce? Are finances handled the same when the financial scenario is not pristine? Does equality remain consistent when perhaps financial circumstances are inconsistent in a remarriage?
Does the meaning of marriage change when partners have experienced a failed marriage? Do we need a new set of ideals for subsequent marriages that takes into account issues that surround remarriages or is the point of an ideal that it is to be worked at and aspired to? Do the fundamentals remain true even when the partners have not?
We've decided (I let him choose what was appropriate because he has less time than I do), that we will talk a minimum of 2 hours a day. That was his suggestion, and I was actually surprised he wanted to commit that much time to me. I'm happy, of course. He says that he'll make it up another day, too, if he can't on one day. We'll have to see how well it works out. This is for the summer, of course. Because when I go to university in September, it will have to be less sometimes. We both understood that and it worked well during his exam week, and my exam week (different times), this past school year.
I was also upset that he would say he would do things, and not do them. Like come back on msn after gaming, or write me a letter, etc. He said he forgot. Which I guess, I sometimes *forget* that other people don't have the memory I do. I have a really good memory and often don't realize that everyone isn't the same. I try not to think, but sometimes let myself believe, that if something is important to you, you will remember it. That isn't always true though. No one can help what they remember, really.
He also made a point that he was forgetting to come back to the computer, or write a letter, not that he was forgetting ME.
We're trying. He was also frustrated that I felt he wasn't trying. Sometimes it seemed that he wasn't interested in the conversation, and wasn't making an effort to talk to me, or even wanted to. I'm *trying* to see that he tries. I just feel often that it's a one sided conversation, with me poking him with a stick and him grunting. But, I try to be realistic. It isn't always like that, and I try not to exagerate.
I think I feel secure in knowing now that he is trying, and that he does love me, and that I'm not the only one who wants to make this work.
: )
So my friend Tawny is a bit of a drama queen. Not over the top, dysfunctional. Just enough to make her fun. She’s a romantic at heart and thrives on a little drama in her life. Fortunately or unfortunately she’s married to a man who could care less. Tim has no ego. Hard to believe for a man. He has very little demands in terms of a relationship. He’s into peace in the home, a little loving every now and then and someone to hang out with. He’s a good man. Those are his needs. He doesn’t ever check up on Tawny. He doesn’t question Tawny. He accepts Tawny for who she is. Period.
Tawny may be in love with another man. We’re not sure. Tawny has a “love of her life”. It’s not Tim. Tawny is the type of woman who has a “love of her life”. Tawny has been pining for the love of her life for 20 years. She’s been married to Tim for the same. Jax is not the kind of man that Tawny thinks she needs. He’s single. He’s never had children. He’s expressed his interest in Tawny over the years. They’ve kept in touch. Sometimes innocently, sometimes not so innocently. Tawny has moved on in her life from the time she and Jax were together. In an attempt to not sound cliché, he’s the small town boy; she’s the big city girl. They live very different lives. Lives that Tawny purposely fled. She doesn’t want that small town life. She needs more. She truly appreciates and is grateful for the stability of Tim. As mentioned, Tim is a good man. A good father. A decent provider. He’s fun. He’s kind. He gives her everything she thinks she needs. But she wonders if he gives her everything she thought she needed. Does she need passion? Does she need the drama that Jax provides? How important is drama and passion in a relationship anyway? Of course it depends on the individual but if you are a person who needs it, is that need something to overcome or something to indulge? Is it more mature to deny it or more mature to embrace it? I’m not sure.
Does everyone have “one true love”? Do you stick it out for practicality or do you go for it? Tawny thinks she could never leave Tim for Jax. Should she? I don’t know. She wouldn’t leave Tim because of practical concerns. Jax can’t provide as well as Tim. She couldn’t live in the town he lives in, so where would they live? Tim and Tawny do have a child together. She couldn’t take her from Tim. So it’s a moot point. She does love Tim. But just not in that “the one” way. It’s a moot point. Right? Our friend Michelle thinks it’s a moot point. She claims vehemently that it would be selfish to leave. She would never leave her husband for another man no matter what the circumstances because that would be “selfish”. She came from a divorced home; she could never do that to her children. Or her husband. I argue that it’s the epitome of selfishness to not leave. Or maybe to not bring the matter up for discussion. By not offering full disclosure are you not taking away the ability of your partner to perhaps find “their one”? Taking away their chance at being loved and cherished in a way that you can’t provide? Because you have determined that keeping it hidden is the “right thing to do”. You have made the choice and therefore taken away a choice. Would you want to know if you weren't the one?
Perhaps it’s simply cruelty and immaturity. I mean really. When we’re supposedly “grown ups”, what is the “grown up” way to behave? Do we come to terms with choices and decisions we have made and live the best life we can under the assumptions and conditions of said choices? Is Tawny simply being childish? Get real here. That was many years ago. Tawny is an admitted drama queen. Maybe she simply needs some drama. Maybe the idea of “the one” being out there and unattainable is enough for her. Enough to keep her going in her marriage. Is that the goal? To make the best of what we’ve got? Turn lemons into lemonade? Be happy with what you have? I can’t think of any more clichés. Or is the goal to “live your authentic life”. I’ve never really known exactly what living “authentically” really means. I don’t think I’m deep enough. Does Tawny embrace who she is, what she needs and go with it? Do we follow our one true voice in this one and only life we have? What hurts more, to be dumped or to live a lie? And what is the lie? Hmmm.
2009 is likely to be a banner year for relationships, connecting with a significant other, and work with the public, dear Leo. Some of you will form a partnership that either leads to marriage or is otherwise significant, some will enhance an existing close relationship, and most will derive much joy from their relationships with significant others. New partners met this year are likely to feel much like a breath of fresh air. Challenging relationships, or challenges in relationships, tend to be left behind. 2009 is a commitment-friendly year for you. Some of you will be taking a casual affair to a whole new level. Romance becomes a little more serious, but "fun-serious". Many of you will fall in love, or re-commit to a current lover. You continue to buckle down with money this year. Matters are not moving quickly when it comes to personal finances—in fact, there can be some struggles regarding unpredictable trends with money from outside sources or shared with a partner, which should be sorted out by October. Those born early in the sign (from July 23-27) may be required to make adjustments in their work and health routines in order to accommodate new changing circumstances. Towards the end of year, many of you will be getting serious about learning, studying hard, and changing your attitudes towards work. Many will be working on perfecting and refining skills that will be useful on the job, and some will be forced into that position. Career matters are dynamic and exciting from June 7-July 5.
Sometimes the weeks are just busy. Sometimes they're insane. Crazy is a happy middle-point between the two. Means you're busy, and a lot of goofy stuff happens, and sometimes that goofy stuff makes things easier in ways you couldn't have predicted.
Sometimes, obviously, the opposite happens, but boy, it's funny later on.
Moms rock. In the staff housing, there are a lot of girls who are right around college age, and one mom. We stay up sometimes and talk about, y'know, girl-stuff. And most of it stays in the cabin. But she made a point the other night that more girls need to hear.
There isn't a guarantee.
Regrettably, there is no way to be sure that your marriage will last. You can give it a lot of strength, you can try to devote everything to God, you can pray about, for, and with your husband - but you can't predict what's going to happen.
One of the moms I know married rather young, and she was raised believing that if she just married a Christian husband, everything would work out fine. She met a smart guy who was earnestly interested in God, had recently graduated from college, and had just landed a job at a very prestigious company. She hadn't realized then that despite how much he cared about her, he didn't really understand relationships. They're still together, but there were some very, very rough storms in that relationship.
Camp-mom was one of the girls who followed the recipe, and her marriage ended a few years ago. There's this idea that we get sold on as Christian girls - protect your purity, and he'll desire you enough that he'll never leave. Pray for him, serve God, date only parent-approved men, both of you keep an accountability partner, and seek an older couple as mentors. And I do think that will significantly help, but the implied phrase is that if you do all of that, God will bless your marriage, so that no matter what other trials you go through in life, the two of you will be strong and love each other, and always have a safe haven in each other.
There's one guarantee. God never tells us that the man we love will never leave us, or that we will always feel the way we do now. He tells us HE will never leave us. I don't know if guys do this, but as girls, we tend to need someone to depend on. Your best friend, your dad, your boyfriend, your sister, there's gotta be someone there for you.
He calls us to honor our commitment, even if we don't feel like it. I had a dream once where I was talking to my betrothed about the wedding vows we were writing. Of course, it's dark and rainy and I can't really see him (don't ask me WHY we'd be writing our wedding vows outside in a thunderstorm - I seem to recall that the house was locked, so we couldn't go inside), but I looked at him very seriously at one point and asked him something along the lines of, "Do you realize that you're saying, even if you don't love me, you'll still stay with me?" And he responded something charming along the lines of, "I'll always love you, that's why I'm marrying you," but that wasn't what I was asking.
I do pray a lot about my future guy. It always seems to start off with, "God, I don't know who he is or where he is..." and it sometimes seems a little arrogant of me to assume that God's plans involve me getting married, but the phrase is, "Pray Boldly," so that's what I'm doing.
So, I don't know who you are or where you are, and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I promise you now, even if years after we're married, I don't feel as "in love" with you as before, I will never leave you. Every mindsayer and blogger in the world can hold me to that. We'll find a way to work it out, or maybe we'll realize something different about each other, or maybe we'll just both change. But whatever happens, on our wedding day, I make a commitment before you and before God that I will be with you until death parts us. That commitment is not negotiable.
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