Coming Home Again @ MindSay

Howdy Howdy all!

Whew! The last week was something folks! As you know I turned in my papers and I supposed to come home and go to sleep.

Did I?

No! When I got to the university (after the bus ride from hell) I leave my papers in the prof's mailbox and guess what?

There was a party for one of the Grad Student Advisors who is leaving. She was a fantastic help to me when I was trying to get into the University and into that Master's program back in August. So I had to go and say thanks and congratualtions on the new gig right? Right!

It was great because as you all know I LOVE your fancy finger foods! Okay so At this point I had not slept in more than 24 hours and I am smart enough to avoid any of the alcohol they are serving. I woulda taken some pics but my camera has been sent off for repairs (yes I finally got a chance this morning to send off my camera, deposit a scholarship check and pick up my mother's birthday gift!).

Okay so I schmooze and meet some of the prof's from the biology department who now all know my name (dont ask--I will say that they sure can put away the wine).

Okay, so I spend a few hours hob-knobbing and lemme say that I kinda liked it. Talk about meeting some new kinda folks! Okay so was that the end of my day? Was I able to head on back to the crib for some much needed shut eye? NO! Well there is a Grad Student Social at an english pub called the Black Lab and I just have to go because My advisor Dr. Srinivas is giving a talk on Sustainable Development and Environmental Ethics!!! I had this on my calendar like a month ago before all the paper writing hit the scene. Of course there is free food yet again and there is free booze (which I forego because of the lack of sleep). The talk was great! and I think I may take his course next summer. I finally get home at around 9pm (at this point I have been awak nearly 48 hours. I stopped by Spec's liquor on the way home to get a refreshing beverage (yes I did have a nightcap once I got to the safety of my bed), I had a sandwich and a cooler, well 2 coolers and I was off to frolic with the Sandman!

all in all I had a great and productive few days even if I lost some minutes due to lack of sleep. I been reading some of the blogs I missed and I do have a rant coming about mean people who claim that they are just being "honest", we all know it's BS but anyway...that's coming  Anyway I am gonna go and look for something fun to eat and so how about some poetry.....here goes....(say something nice to me once in a while--that's all)

Fourth Hour of the Afternoon

Humidity like gauze tape on the skin.
Butterflies have come to the butterfly bush.
I like the way that sentence walks,

foot-testing the rocks for a solid way across.
Cicadas torque their gear boxes,
and North Carolina is coming about,

its troll motors chuffing and dropping rainbow splatters
on the gray waters upon which we slide.
Always a royal formality stands up

when we try to utter the unutterable.
It was ever thus, those lice-ridden Lords
translating the altar blood of fatted calves.

A cold front is bringing the Pentecost
to the pine tops. There's a shiver in that herd,
ozone sharp as a whiff of hot tin.

You can see the rain coming, cowled,
head down, hiking steady with its crystal
prayer beads worried in wordless prayer.--Michael Chitwood

Goddess Bless

oh gosh..i hate being home alone at night when you hear noises..it's kind of freaky..haha i probably sound insane or something as im hearing things..lol..i wouldnt be scared if it was during the day and you could see outside..but it's dark and, and creepy..

oh but this morning i swear i heard someone call my name..i was again home by myself and i had the front wooden door opened but with the fly screen door locked coz and i was in the kitchen and it was about 9am and i swear i heard someone call "mel" so i went to the front door thinking it was shezz..but no one was there..

and i went to the office to put some music on and i felt this breath or something on my arm and that just totally freaked me out! i was like by george this house is haunted! but then i just realised it was air coming from the speaker thing..i was much relieved..but gosh if anyone else was there they'd think i was a fool or something, maybe even insane..lol..

"i fall asleep with my friends around me, the only place i know i feel safe. im gonna call this home. the open road is still miles away, aint nothing serious, we still have our fun. it might seem like a dream but it's real to me. dont it feel like sunshine after all? the world we love forever gone? we're only just as happy, as everyone else seems to think we are."

I cried all the way home coming from Diana's house, but the wierd thing is is that I dont know why. I'm happy. so why am I crying?

*edit* (what I put on my myspace post)

I thought 8th grade was behind me. I thought my past had faded from my memory, but the moment a song, a face, a thought triggers a memory I become a mess. but not immediately. just in that moment when the cd player falls silent in between a song and it hits me. that horrible feeling of a mass of emotions hit me. and then I freak out. why cant I be normal? why does everything inside have to hurt. and whats worse is I cant tell anyone around me. The "real" people that I cant be real with.

and yet again, why do I bother with myspace. the ones that care most are mindsayers, while the "real" ones could care less. God forbid I make someone think, or make them sad. but damnit people, I'm supposed to be your friend!arent you "real" people supposed to care about me? but if its deep, if angel starts to get sad you back away. I dont want to do this alone. I can't.

but whats worse is I dont know whats wrong. I've fixed alot, but I'm still tearing up and screaming cuz I dont understand it.

 a post falls on deaf ears once more. I will delete this later...

*edit*

thank you mindsayers for staying by my side no matter what

so my friend is finally coming home. i never thought she would.... dont get me wrong, i did.... when she first left...and then as time went on, i stopped believing it. but now she is coming home. and i'm really happy. i'm even amazed (to tell the truth). i htought that after all this shit with cole and stuff i would harbor hurt feelings, anger and resentment.... but i dont. i'm actually glad. True, it will be weird to share him with anyone.... i havent really ever had to do that. the closest i had to come to sharing him was with court, and even then it wasn't all htat weird. but with a significant other taking him....that'll be weird.... but good. it get's him off my mind and i can stop worrying about him. (i've kinda done that already, i figure if he wants to do something he can, i dont need to babysit him. he has his penis, now..... it's up to him to loose it.) i feel horrible though, for blowing him off hte other day. everyone knows, including him, that when i'm tired and sleeping you dont wake me up!... he kept doing that. i feel horrible though. i told him i would come down and help him buy a game....and i bailed out, i was sleeping with rob and i didnt want to get up. ( we werent having sex, we were littrally sleeping.).

i sometimes hate how flaky i am. i get this way every now and again, but then usually when i do, i'm trying to do something for me for once. and hten i get the guilt trip thing for it. i tried to call cole last night, but he was on the phone with my friend... which at hte time frustrated me, just because i wanted to talk to him....but oh well. he can take the time to call me if he wants to hang out, or talk.

==

i was a hinderance in their relationship though. i hate myself for it. personally, i think if i haddn't jumped on him the moment he said he was free, basically, i could have had him. but i'm kinda glad i got that little thing over with. he would have probably made me frustrated, and i would have continued to baby him, .like none other.  Court and i talked about that yesterday (i believe) we baby him. and we know it. but he is so good at manipulation, that you know he's doing it to you, but you cant stop yourself. its almost like hypnotism. but we both agreed, we are done babying him. now that my friend is coming home, they can worry about it.

==

so this rob guy that i'm kinda seeing... i work with him. he's pretty cute, funny thing is, though, i dont really like blonds...and htat's what he is. but he's not like hte other ones i've dated. i've told him everything about my sexual past, i've told him a bit about the whole cole thing. just kept it to the basics though... it's too complicated, and he's told me about his ex fiance. apparently she is coming down on saturday to pick up some of her old things and to (hopefully) bring back the ring that he bought her. part of me does worry that him seeing her again, will ignite the old flame, but somehow i dont get that impression. he's already filled the quota and yet he's still interested.... so far.... guess i'll have to wait until after saturday to find out. we are going skinny dipping tonight, i think.... i want to, but i'm not sure how to get up to the resevior. ... i told him two weeks....we couldnt' exactly make it two days (then again, it was my fault.) i think i should say no again.... because if anything does happen with his ex, i dont wanna have that most recent time on my mind...those hurt hte worst. when you can replay everything that happened in your mind, over and over again. what i hate is howe  we did everything wrong to begin with. we talked about exes and did stuff on a first date that you arent supposed to do... and yet we are trying to see what we can get out of it. i love that i dont have to try to besomething i'm not, that i dont have to impress him, and that he already knows everything, so it isnt just going to be like sudden revelation.... those suck the most, because then the guy's think odd htoughts and they seem to be disapointed. i dont know how to explain what it is, but i get a different feeling when i'm with him than i do with cole, whith which i get a different feeling than when i'm with most of my friends.

==

i thought i loved cole, once upon a time, but now i realize that i dont, nor did i ever. i was comfortable with him. i knew him and i knew i didnt have to be anyone else but me. he knew me. and i liked that.... but he didnt love me either. never did. he always loved ari.... he holds her on this pedestal so high above the world, that i hope she doesnt faint due to the lack of o₂.

==

I found hte perfect name for a little girl the other day. it's Zella. and for a boy i would want Kasz. i had the pefect middle name for Zella so it almost sounded like zuchini.... and that's what i would nick-name her as... i was walking through the cemetary on monday, i went to go visit my grandparents, and couldnt find htem. I think that htey are upset with me, therefore avoiding me.  i talked to my uncle though, told him about how his son can be a big pain in the ass... it was nice to talk to him...i dont remember him, really, but it felt good, nonetheless. but yeah, that was when i was walking around when i saw the name zella on a headstone. and something hit me....i thought about hte name zella vida c. and for Kasz, i htink it would be kasz andrew c. and for another boy it would be:_____ basil c.

==

part of me, like court wants to have a baby and raise it on my own. we both want to do that for some reason. i htink mostly because i'm afraid of being left iwth the responsibility anyway. i cant depend on anyone else. no one is going to be there for me, no matter what, besides me. my mom isnt, my dad is sometimes there. mostly for support only. i get the feeling my grandparents are trying to make me what htey wish all their kids would have been. the only people that i cna really count on to be there....are my siblings. and htey only reason i can count on that is because they need me. i HAVE to be there for htem they have the worst time. they are so fucked up in what opportunities they have.... and my step dad can just suck my big black cock.

==

I had better end this entry before it ends up being like five hundred pages. lol.

to sum it up:

i'm excited my friend is finally coming home to take care of her boy toy (and get him off my mind)

i'm hopeful for this new boy toy of mine to work out

i'm a little nervous, for reasons i dont want to explain (though could probably be guessed)

and i'm a  little tired....and i'm going back to bed

"what's so wrong about peace, love, and understanding?"

this week was good.....yesterday i went to the dentist then i went to wendy's....that was interesting.....i was so numb

then today i went back to the dentist and then went to burger king........i got to miss first.....in latin we played a game....that was fun....my group just talked the whole time......then in geometry we had a sub and all we did was a worksheet packet......i thought we could take it home so i talked the whole class.....well it turns out the packet was due at the end of class......so i filled in answers......they are all wrong.......then in english we just talked and took vocab notes.....then i came home and went to the mall.....i got my hair colored and my eyebrows waxed.....then i came home and ate and cleaned the kitchen....now we are going to blockbuster and then we r coming home to watch a movie!!!!!