College Life @ MindSay

Yeah, I've got a lot of homework and studying to do, and yeah it can get stressful and difficult sometimes, but I just can't get enough of the college environment! It's so much fun being here! Last night a bunch of friends came over to my dorm room, and we watched Lost together. The season premiere was EPIC. It was such a great way to kick things off, and now that the show finally has a real direction I think it will end on a spectacular note! I just can't believe how fast the show is progressing.

On another note, I invited this very cute girl over to watch with me, and it was a fun night. She thoroughly enjoyed tickling me.. everyone does >__<. I hate being so ticklish sometimes, but oh well. I hope I get to see more of her, she's a sweet girl.

I have a lot of homework to do lately, but that's quite alright, I've been keeping up well this semester, and I feel like 2009 will be a big year of change for me. So, now for my song of the day, it's one I enjoyed a few years back, and completely forgot about for a while:



I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
But it's not quite right

And this 'real'
It's impossible if possible
At who's blind word
So clear but so unheard

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this silence all night long
It's just a matter of time

To appear sad
With the same 'ol decent lazy eye
Fixed to rest on you
Aim free and so untrue

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with such shine

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone can focus clearly with sunshine

Lost and loaded
Still the same 'ol decent lazy eye
Straight through your gaze
That's why i said i relate
I said we relate
It's so fun to relate

It's the room the sun and the sky
It's the room the sun and the sky

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment...

Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

The song is fantastic in my opinion, and the music video is kind of cute if you're into that kind of stuff. I'm sorry I don't update as regularly as I should, I really need to start updating more often!

I am so ready for college to start that I can hardly contain myself.
I am going to be taking 4 classes (13 hours) this semester...
I am going to be taking

Comp 1 (did not take it last year)
Public Speaking
Intro into Theature
Human Growth and Development

And Things are going better since I do not like the normality of life.
I have decided to go to the West Virgina University instead of Yale.
But that is after 2 years of Texarkana College.

So I am ready to get my degree and get out of Texas...
Yes Andrew, I am ready to get out already... LoL
Its not so bad here, but it is really closed minded, and
being the homosexual male that I am I think I need to
get out.

And UWV has this really awesome thing that you can ride to
class, It is like this train, except it is ran by a computer and there
are even tracks going into town, that is if I understand right.

So life is a lot better than it was yesterday and that makes me
very very very happy.

well, i kinda feel like talking to someone, but am not sure who, so i guess i'll confide in you, mac computer in the library, and you, internet people who chance upon my ancient and ignored online journal.

so, lately i've been feeling like life is coming too fast and things are just falling apart.  i know my life is cake compared to others-- i have food, clothing, housing, and i get to go to college without having to take out loans.  but my last semester here, which i thought would be one of the most fun in college, has turned out to be much more than i can take.  yeah, i procrastinate, but really not too much more than i have in the past.  and i've already dropped a few extracurricular activities already.

i work in biological research lab here on campus and i wanted to defend an honors thesis this semester, but my experiments haven't been working at all and i haven't gotten data in two years.  i know i can write an honors thesis without data, but i really don't understand what i'm doing wrong.  they just aren't working out and i've been getting more down each time an experiment doesn't work, which has happened countless times.  over two years.  plus, i defend in about a month, and really haven't been able to start writing it.  i have no idea when i'll be able to start because i just have so much going on.

let's move on to my med school applications, which are going nowhere (and yes, i'm pre-med, and am completely aware of all the associated stereotypes).  my application essay is a disaster.  i have no idea what i'm writing and how to write it.  i have a draft, it's absolutely terrible and need to start over completely.  also, i am nowhere near getting all my materials in for the committee letter.

i applied for teach for america and got an interview, which was awesome, but my dad is completely incapable of understanding why i want to do tfa.  fyi, my dad is a doctor and is all up in my business about med school (side note: he did not push med school on me-- this was my choice; i honestly don't think it matters what i go into, my dad would probably still be too over-protective and all busy-body about my life-- if you know any traditional asian families, you know should what i'm talking about).  my dad didn't even want me to take time off after college, he wanted me to go straight to med school, but i insisted on taking a year off.  i don't think he understands that i want to live my life, not just work all the time, but for my dad, work = his life, and i think he wants the same thing for me.

those are the main worries.  there are other things, but i won't go into them.

anyways, all these problems have been here since the beginning of the semester, and for a while i thought i was dealing with them alright.  i had a couple freak-outs, but i was actually getting some things done for a while.  and then it all came crashing down yesterday.

i am competitive.  let's start with that.  but i try to keep it internal b/c i know it's annoying when someone is just always competing with everyone.  even i get annoyed by people like that.  anyways, i found out last night that a guy i don't particularly like (because he's freaking arrogant, wordy, and repetitive) got a higher score than me on the mcat.  there's not a whole lot of people i'll admit i'm better than, but i'm pretty sure i'm better than him.  when i saw the score, which he surreptitiously snuck into an e-mail forwarded to me, i couldn't think.  i fell apart.  i was in the lab at the time and had just found out that yet another one of my experiments had failed so was definitely not ready to see that e-mail.  i honestly felt sick.  i got so angry and my somewhat dislike for him turned into pure hatred.  for about an hour, i did absolutely nothing.  i went to one of my favorite places on campus and just sat there, stewing in my own anger, hating him and hating myself for not doing better.  hate is a strong word, but that's what i felt at the time.  intense, undiluted anger, which turned into sadness and hopelessness.  nothing else i was doing made any more sense.  i felt like i couldn't handle anything anymore.  i went home, watched a movie, and fell asleep (even though i needed to study for a test i have on friday (tomorrow).

i woke up this morning and for the first time in my four years here, i felt like giving up.  i felt like doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the day and for the rest of my life.  i felt broken.

somehow i got myself out of bed, on the bus, and into my first class, but that feeling is still there.  a heavy sadness, threatening to show itself, even here, in the library, in front of all these people.

i don't actually know how i'll feel when i see that guy (because i have to see him tonight at a meeting), but i haven't been able to re-open that e-mail since.

i just feel like i could just completely fall apart at any minute.  i haven't been able to concentrate on anything and i still have that freaking test tomorrow, which i haven't read for.  and it's a stupid in-class essay, which i am horrible at.

well, thanks for reading, if you finished.  and if you have something bad to say, have compassion and please don't say it.  i guess i should get back to studying now.

This was an announcment sent though my college mail box today.
I thought I'd share it with all of you. ^_^

Subject:

Please don`t feed the squirrels

Yes, the squirrels who share our campus are cute and appear friendly... but please be aware that they bite and they may carry very serious diseases, including RABIES. Please do not feed the squirrels! A member of our community was bitten just today by a campus-dwelling squirrel and will need to undergo a series of rabies prevention shots as a result. Thank you for keeping yourself and our community safe by not feeding or attempting to tame the wild animals on our campus.





I would just like to say....NO DUH!

That's all for today
ttfn

~ Me

i have started to like them again so this name is now correct even tho its spelt wrong :(. and life is erm... good, lol college rocks even tho the work is like 20X harder. but hows every1 doin?