College Life @ MindSay 
college
I am going to be taking 4 classes (13 hours) this semester...
I am going to be taking
Comp 1 (did not take it last year)
Public Speaking
Intro into Theature
Human Growth and Development
And Things are going better since I do not like the normality of life.
I have decided to go to the West Virgina University instead of Yale.
But that is after 2 years of Texarkana College.
So I am ready to get my degree and get out of Texas...
Yes Andrew, I am ready to get out already... LoL
Its not so bad here, but it is really closed minded, and
being the homosexual male that I am I think I need to
get out.
And UWV has this really awesome thing that you can ride to
class, It is like this train, except it is ran by a computer and there
are even tracks going into town, that is if I understand right.
So life is a lot better than it was yesterday and that makes me
very very very happy.
so, lately i've been feeling like life is coming too fast and things are just falling apart. i know my life is cake compared to others-- i have food, clothing, housing, and i get to go to college without having to take out loans. but my last semester here, which i thought would be one of the most fun in college, has turned out to be much more than i can take. yeah, i procrastinate, but really not too much more than i have in the past. and i've already dropped a few extracurricular activities already.
i work in biological research lab here on campus and i wanted to defend an honors thesis this semester, but my experiments haven't been working at all and i haven't gotten data in two years. i know i can write an honors thesis without data, but i really don't understand what i'm doing wrong. they just aren't working out and i've been getting more down each time an experiment doesn't work, which has happened countless times. over two years. plus, i defend in about a month, and really haven't been able to start writing it. i have no idea when i'll be able to start because i just have so much going on.
let's move on to my med school applications, which are going nowhere (and yes, i'm pre-med, and am completely aware of all the associated stereotypes). my application essay is a disaster. i have no idea what i'm writing and how to write it. i have a draft, it's absolutely terrible and need to start over completely. also, i am nowhere near getting all my materials in for the committee letter.
i applied for teach for america and got an interview, which was awesome, but my dad is completely incapable of understanding why i want to do tfa. fyi, my dad is a doctor and is all up in my business about med school (side note: he did not push med school on me-- this was my choice; i honestly don't think it matters what i go into, my dad would probably still be too over-protective and all busy-body about my life-- if you know any traditional asian families, you know should what i'm talking about). my dad didn't even want me to take time off after college, he wanted me to go straight to med school, but i insisted on taking a year off. i don't think he understands that i want to live my life, not just work all the time, but for my dad, work = his life, and i think he wants the same thing for me.
those are the main worries. there are other things, but i won't go into them.
anyways, all these problems have been here since the beginning of the semester, and for a while i thought i was dealing with them alright. i had a couple freak-outs, but i was actually getting some things done for a while. and then it all came crashing down yesterday.
i am competitive. let's start with that. but i try to keep it internal b/c i know it's annoying when someone is just always competing with everyone. even i get annoyed by people like that. anyways, i found out last night that a guy i don't particularly like (because he's freaking arrogant, wordy, and repetitive) got a higher score than me on the mcat. there's not a whole lot of people i'll admit i'm better than, but i'm pretty sure i'm better than him. when i saw the score, which he surreptitiously snuck into an e-mail forwarded to me, i couldn't think. i fell apart. i was in the lab at the time and had just found out that yet another one of my experiments had failed so was definitely not ready to see that e-mail. i honestly felt sick. i got so angry and my somewhat dislike for him turned into pure hatred. for about an hour, i did absolutely nothing. i went to one of my favorite places on campus and just sat there, stewing in my own anger, hating him and hating myself for not doing better. hate is a strong word, but that's what i felt at the time. intense, undiluted anger, which turned into sadness and hopelessness. nothing else i was doing made any more sense. i felt like i couldn't handle anything anymore. i went home, watched a movie, and fell asleep (even though i needed to study for a test i have on friday (tomorrow).
i woke up this morning and for the first time in my four years here, i felt like giving up. i felt like doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the day and for the rest of my life. i felt broken.
somehow i got myself out of bed, on the bus, and into my first class, but that feeling is still there. a heavy sadness, threatening to show itself, even here, in the library, in front of all these people.
i don't actually know how i'll feel when i see that guy (because i have to see him tonight at a meeting), but i haven't been able to re-open that e-mail since.
i just feel like i could just completely fall apart at any minute. i haven't been able to concentrate on anything and i still have that freaking test tomorrow, which i haven't read for. and it's a stupid in-class essay, which i am horrible at.
well, thanks for reading, if you finished. and if you have something bad to say, have compassion and please don't say it. i guess i should get back to studying now.
life has really ran me thur the ringer. I am back in college and I feel so lost. I know what it is that I want to do I just cant see how to do it. I am a student again. God help me.
My love life is... is knot! I want to be loved and cared for I want someone how needs me and wants me. I just have to keep going until I find it or it finds me. I still miss my ex and I still would like to talk to him at least for closure.
I am a work inprogress I am happier then I have been the past few months. so I have that to hold on to.
OH HOW I MISS MY MINDSAY!! *hugs my blog* At my new college I tranfered to, mindsay is *blocked* and i miss typing on this thing. I miss releasing my anger and my problems and anything that went on that day on here. It's thanksgiving break and I'm at my friend Heathers house in NJ. College has been interesting.. I've had the hardest time liking Nyack College because I missed Elim Bible Institute oh so much. My friends at Elim that I was once close with are slower fading away from me except a few. It hurts me deep inside but I know I just gotta let them go and move on if they arnt gonna bother to respond to me trying to keep in contact with them. Besides that, I've met amazing new awesome friends at Nyack. My guy friend actually wants to beeeee with me. He treats me like a princess but I wont let him close to me. I can't handle another guy in my life. Or maybe i'm just afraid of being truely happy or getting hurt again. I'll figure it out. So, my birthday was last saturday. I'm finally 19. Wow. Started this blog when I was.. 15. Its insane to think about. I have a facebook though so if you want me on my facebook just tell me before this week ends.. cause on sunday i'm back to the college without mindsay. December break I'll be back for a month. I go to a councilor at my college. She's helping me with finding my identity in Christ and taking off my mask. It's really helping. This is the year for healing for me. God is doing awesome things in my life and I'm excited to see where he is taking me.
:) Miss you all.
I thought I'd share it with all of you. ^_^
| Subject: | Please don`t feed the squirrels |
I would just like to say....NO DUH!
That's all for today
ttfn
~ Me
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