Co-dependent @ MindSay 
I mean, if we weren't somewhat dependent upon others, we would be all alone. We would choose to be all alone. And you know what they say about loners... If you aren't dependent upon someone, hopefully co-dependent for a 2-way friendship, then you are not social and might be dangerous. Ergo, people not in co-dependent relationships are dangerous... Ok, there are some leaps there in the logic, but there are points to be made here.
We choose our friends. We may or may not choose whom we love, but we do choose whom we hang out with. Aren't we drawn to people who satisfy our needs, wants, and desires? Aren't we drawn to people who have the opposite interests and opinions, as well as people with common interests as our own? We want the comfort of the common interests (which can be co-dependency). We want the opposite or different interests and opinions for the challenge, interesting conversations, and for help with things we cannot do as well, and to feel good from helping them. The latter (liking opposite or different people) is more likely the co-dependency aspect, but it helps make us whole and to achieve the best that we can be. We learn from those people.
Why is co-dependency expected in friendships, but not in relationships with significant others (spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends)? The phrase, "what else are friends for?" muttered after a friend helps you, is so common and so constricting at the same time. If that phrase is muttered at you, and you never mutter it to your friends, then you must not be doing your part in the co-dependency relationship; you must be lazy or selfish if that is the case, and you are taking advantage of the friendship. The phrase is also constricting because it sounds like friendship is only meant to be an exchange of favors, and nothing more. Is co-dependency really the only reason for friendship?
Co-dependency has gotten a bad rap, in my opinion. In a significant-other relationship, it is a word spoken carefully because it has such rotten undertones. I have a spouse with just enough similarity for the comfort level, but enough differences to keep it interesting. Together, we could take over the world, because whatever I am not good at, he excels, and vice-versa. "United we stand" kind of thing... He also makes me want to be a better person.
This brings me to the topic of friends with benefits. "Friends with Bene's" if you will. Why is this becoming so common? It is not restricted to any age group [anymore]. Is co-dependency growing beyond the needs of non-sexual favors, to include all kinds of favors, to satisfy all kinds of needs and desires? Do we label it as friends with benefits, because that can remove the stigmatism of the "socially"-accepted negative term "co-dependency" that is easily attached to significant-others relationships?
Are we becoming more co-dependent as a human race? Is that because we are becoming more needy, helpful, ... what?
Co-dependency can be good for a long time. Just remember the rules. "All things in moderation..." and "As long as nobody feels hurt by it". Simple rules, but so difficult to follow... You may need a friend to tell you if you are in a co-dependent relationship. Irony intended.
What do you know, two long, emotionally charged entries in one night. These are the two letters I wrote to Nam and put in the package with the rest of his stuff. I know they're harsh, but the bottom line is this- i'm confused about how I feel about him. I know that no one who reads my blog now read it when him and I were together, so you may not understand these, but perhaps if you go to his blog, captainnemo, it will help. I guess all I ask is that you read these and the entry before it and comment if you did so I know that i wasn't wasting my time pouring my heart and soul out like i sadly usually am. Also, i didn't date the letters because I said the date in them, but to help i've posted dates above them here. Nam, on the off chance that this is one of the rare times that you read my blog, please sign into yours and talk to me about this. It would mean a lot to me with what's been going on with me recently. Lastly, for those of you who don't know, today, March 23rd, would have been me and Nam's one year and 11 month anniversery, hence how I start the second letter. It's just a big coincidence in all honesty.
March 15, 2006:
"Well, happy birthday. I know it won’t still be when you get this, but that’s when I’ve finally gotten around to writing this thing. You’re 20 now, and less of a man than you were the year before and even less of a man than the year before that. Thanx for remembering my birthday, btw. I keep remembering more and more how you’ve abandoned me, and therefore keep questioning whether I really want you back in my life, because I doubt you can ever make becoming everything you hate up to me. With that said, we have some things to work out. Here’s the deal:
-the Pooh Bear I gave you. My cousin gave that to me for graduation. I’d told you that if we ever broke up I might want it back, and well…trust me, it’s not easy for me to ask for it back. I know it holds a lot of positive memories for you- or I hope it does- but it was originally from one of the only cousins I like on my dad’s side of the family. I hope you understand. I’m sorry, Nam.
-Black Sabbath shirt. It was “ours”. Who’s is it now?
-same with the “Resident Evil” shirt that I won. It was “ours”, but who’s is it now?
Well that’s all I remember for now. Oh wait:
-the “Resident Evil” poster. You gave it to me, and then I gave it to you for when you were in college to think of me. Seeing as how you don’t need it anymore, I was wondering if I could have it back. You said you were going to over the summer, anyway, and you never did. I’m sorry.
Now I’m aware that all of these things, (except for the Black Sabbath shirt) are probably in your house in San Jose, and since your spring break will probably be over by the time you get this, it’s fine if none of these things come back to me until you’re out of school in June. I’ll probably write you another letter then since I don’t think you’re going to start talking to me again any time soon. I really do still miss and care about you; I wouldn’t be so angry if I didn’t. In all seriousness I wish the best for you and all of your life’s endeavors.
I’ll never forget you,
Jennifer"
March 23, 2006:
"It’s the 23rd now, and I’m finally getting around to sending this. Not because of anything special, that’s just a coincidence. Basically, I’ve been on the brink of suicide for the past week. I think the only reason I’m not dead now is because this guy who is absolutely amazing in bed called me up, so I got to have sex with him again and it made me feel good about myself. That’s right- my self-esteem is so low again I have to have sex in order to feel attractive. It’s amazing what happens to you when all of your emotional support abandons you. Anna’s moved on with her life and never calls, and you, you just hate me for some reason. It’s always my fault. And I’ve been suicidal because I have no one now, and this is what’s going on: The woman from Juvenile Probation called my house in Santa Clara and left a message there against my wishes again. I still have a chance to gain Restitution, but any other money I want I’ll have to seek civilly. As much as I want to, I don’t have the financial or mental support to do so. Also, after the amount I requested, I was told that I have to submit it in writing. This means now I get to go through my calendars, see things I don’t want to see, and that’s right, I have no one to help me through the process. And here’s the best part. I found out what his sentencing was- six months probation, with no jail time, no registering as a sex offender, no special counseling. That’s it. And Erin and Brian have decided they want no part in this. You know how angry Brian was, and you know that he was telling me to have the faggot bastard killed when I just wanted him maimed & disfigured for the rest of his life, so he’d be on the outside how I am on the inside. I really feel abandoned by you, most of all, because you gave up. I know I did a lot of shit because of my disorder, but I guess you never loved me like you said you did or else you would have stuck through. People now don’t understand how crazy I am unless they read about how we used to be, & that you won’t even talk to me anymore…I don’t know. I know you have more important things to do, so go do them. I doubt you even read both of these. After all, you never read the e-mails I send. It hurts a lot. You may not give a fuck about me, but I can’t let go of you. Like I said in the other letter in here, I wouldn’t be hurting so badly if I didn’t. People tell me that either you do still care about me somewhere and lied about not loving me anymore, or you lied when we were together about how much you loved me then. Which is it? I seriously want to know. If you’re not going to even talk to me about normal things, then you might as well answer whatever questions I have. I feel freer now to really get angry with you and tell you how fucked up I am because you’re not around anymore, but I’m scared. I’m scared you’ll forget the good times we had if you haven’t already. I’ve sent you a few things I saw online that I thought you would like. I never heard back from you. Like I said before, I doubt you’ll read these things. It’s just that so much has been happening. Just two weeks ago I had to talk to my WS professor about some of the upcoming readings and how I can’t handle them and why. She is the first person that ever told me that I’m entitled to get help, that not being able to watch “Law and Order” isn’t a short coming in my strength, but a way that society brutalizes victims. Not even you did that. And sadly, I need you now, even though you started sounding more and more like my dad and my ex combined. But maybe I need that. Maybe I need to be verbally abused and yelled at and spoken to in a condescending tone and treated like I was nothing more than an ignorant, stupid and naïve little girl that is made denser simply because she is female. Maybe it helps me place blame. Every guy I’ve ever cared about that supposedly felt the same way has done it, starting with my dad. I know that girls usually get stuck with guys who are just like their fathers, but I thought I broke that curse when I got together with you. The longer you were in San Diego, the more fate proved me wrong. I do remember that day you took me to Monterey in August and I am eternally grateful for that. No one else in this universe would have done that, and through me, you have seen the ugliest aspects of the human psyche in front of your own eyes and in someone you loved, someone you knew was great as long as she didn’t trigger. What’s sad is I know no one will ever stay as long as you did ever again.
Forever Thankful,
Jennifer Ruiz"
Please be nice about this. I really wish that some of you had been around when we'd been dating, then perhaps you'd understand better. I really am confused and I'm not sure what I want from him at all. :(