Closeness @ MindSay

I've only ever had one friend that was male outside of boyfriends. and even then my boyfriends were more of a title than a close relationship.

It saddens me that I am only ever really around girls and getting advise from them. Now don't get me wrong, I love these relationships but at the same time I'm almost 21... shouldn't things be different now? I'm really ready for a change. I'm really wanting a close friendship with a guy right now.

Why did David ever have to leave?

My family is... unconventional, I guess you could call it.

The thing my gramma pointed out a few months ago is that it has been four generations of all girls. Only girls. I grew up in a house full of females. I don't even think we had any male pets until a few years ago...

I know a lot of families are different behind closed doors. They act a certain way in public or around other people, then it is different when they are within the comfort of their own home. Maybe worse, maybe better.

A lot of people might hear that we're all females and suspect some kind of steriotype of us being really bitchy towards eachother and not getting along and maybe some kind of insane obsession with cleanliness and looks, but that's not the case. We each have TOTALLY different things going on and are so different in so many ways, but we get along well. My sisters and I didnt' fight a huge deal when we were young. We get along exceptionally well even now. All I remember is my older sister tourmenting us with the vacuum when we were children... and I was a difficult child, because I would do things that I knew upset people and got me attention, but yeah. It wasn't so bad that we hated eachother.

But what is it that ties us together despite our very differences? Our weird, offensive, vulgar and outlandish humour and behaviour. That's how we are. We call eachother mean names and make fun of eachother, but it's all in love. That's how we show effection to eachother. And we laugh about the most discusting, sometimes things even I find frightening, stuff. But the weird thing is... it goes back even to my gramma. My gramma comes to visit and she's the worst of us all!! hahahah. But I love it.

Sometimes when I'm spending time with my family - myself, my mom, my older sister and my younger sister, all of us hanging out in the kitchen or dinning room or living room... well, we live in a small apartment so it's kinda all the same - I think to myself, "I love them. This is amasing. I love them so much. What would I do without them?" When I realised my older sister starting to really branch out on her own and make her own life, it was scary. Hurtful, even. But she says all the time, "my family is so important to me. I love my family so much and nothing comes before them. (Well, now except her own daughter, of course... heh.)" I love to hear her say that. I wish I could say it, but I'm not a sentimental kinda person, so I just observe, feel, and think it.

I really wish I was able to show people how much I appreciate them more. I honestly don't know how to, though. I hate it, too. Augh! I can't even think about it I hate it so much. I really don't know what to do? And when I'm told what to do, I CAN'T! I can't bring myself to do it. I have to cover it up with some sort of joke or something because effection makes me so uncomfortable. I wish I was able to just let go and say what I want to say. People around me have NO IDEA how much I put into them. I might not do it directly, but if they could possibly peek behind the scenes... I dunno. The amount of personal energy I put into people I care about and appreciate, if they could only know...   I want them to know. But how? How do I do that?

I mean, seriously. I'm not even kidding here. I don't even like to get nice, sentimental gifts from people because I don't know how to thank them. Or have people do nice things for me. Some people get all nice and are like, "Hey, thank you so much for doing that, I appreciate it. You're a great friend/person/I love you." I can't do it though! It's like... not in me. I know I'm going on about this, but yeah. It really bothers me more than anything else, because no matter what else I believe or feel about the rest of my life and the world, the one thing I know that matters is right now and what you experience right now. And all I have right now is the people around me - and myself. That's literally all I have. I take good care of myself, but I wish I was able to show others how much I appreciate them.

I digressed a bit from my topic. OH well.

I always paint myself as being very detatched and unemotional, but I realised that isn't the case. Well, not all the time, at least. It is true that some things really just don't effect me. I'm selfish too, and some things I honestly don't care about. My mom told me the other day that someone she know's sister died. This is horrible, I know... but I tried to care, I really did, but I just didn't. I had no clue who the hell she was talking about, I didn't know her sister, so it just didn't matter to me. People die every day. Death is a part of life. People lose people, and they keep on living (usually). I mean, I do feel for her loss and understand that it's difficult for anyone that loses someone. My mom got mad at me because of this, though. I wasn't going to PRETEND like it effected me and be like, "Oooh no! Oh my goodness!!! :("

But the things I DO care about, I care about very deeply. When I do give things sentiment, it is maybe too much. I read into them and try do discover hidden meanings and lessons and learn things and discover and find something that I can hold close to me.

No one around me, especially my mom, would probably believe this because my actions don't display it one bit, but I am a very sentimental person when it comes to certain things in my life. It's like... I think that's where my observing and anylsing things come into play, because I take time to learn about and get to know people close to me, and that helps me to develop an appreciation that for them that is special to just them and them only. Like right now. I'm not given specifics about anything because they are too important and special to me to share with anyone. I see each of my relationships (I'm talking about family, friends... ya know) individually and anything that happens between me and that person as being only between me and them. No matter what it is. Even if we go somewhere and have an awesome day and have fun and everything - that is something just we shared and that is special to me. A bit of an example: My younger sister and I spent a day out together a few weeks back. It was an awesome day and I got to spend time with just my sister and I and it was really, really nice. I wouldn't share specifics with anyone though, because that was just she and I and no one needs to know anything that happen. Why? Why should anyone know? There is no reason. And if someone asked me about it, I'd just say, "Yeah. I spent a nice day with my sister." And that's all. There is nothing more that needs to be said. It was important to me and had a lot of meaning for me, and that's mine.

So, that said, it REALLY upsets me when people I let get close to me go about telling others things not only about me, but about us, too. I don't care as much if someone tells someone else about things concerning me exclusively (not to say I don't care at all, though). But it bothers me a lot when people tell others what happened between just us. My mom does this a lot. We will have a really lovely time together and she'll go telling EVERYONE. People I DON'T EVEN KNOW! I don't like that. That's why it's so hard for me to get close to her, because I give her a part of myself, just her, and she had to go whoring it around. I understand that when we spend time together it is probably special to her too and she has a different way of appreciating it and that might include sharing it with others. Maybe that's a trait of the extrovert. But I'm an introvert and I keep things very close to me.

I can't really be mad at the individual, though, because like I said, most people probably would never guess this of me because of my outward personality. I'm extremely nonchelant and chill about things and go with the flow, but that doesn't mean none of it effects me. For this reason, it may even effect me more because I let it take time to sink in slow and deep. I dunno... I just know that things in my life that I consider special are very special. I don't just consider anything and everything special and worthy of love and appreciation just because it IS. I realise that could be a bad thing - but whatever.

I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to bed now.

So but yeah - I really love my family. :) And my blog. :D And my friends. And sharpies. (Not in that order. heh.)

Respect.
-Liv-