Cj @ MindSay

After a rather long vacation from MindSay, I've returned to it's mind numbing control to post again.

Not much has been going lately.  Usual stuff mostly.  I've gotten myself a distraction in the form of a boy named CJ, and life has been going pretty well.  My friend is living with me now, catch her at snoopygirl2008.  Um....hopefully I'll be going to the Adventure Dome at the circus circus next thrusday.  It's kind of our tradition that the four of us go together and bring our current attachments.  But as of now, out of the four of us, it's just me who's going to be bringing someone....

That is unless I can get Alex to come.  Alex is a guy that Lacey has liked since eigth grade before she moved and I'm trying to get them to see each other again.  I've got the best intentions, but I'm mostly doing it for my own enjoyment - it's fun to medel.  But I can pass off my doings as 'helping them' because neither one of them is very forward, so I'm just bringing each of them out of their shells.

About a week ago, Lacey and I were at the mall because my dad needed to go to one of the department stores.  I spotted Alex with his mother, presumably going shopping for his birthday.  I told dad that we would meet up with him later and we rushed off to follow Alex.  We were going to stalk him until we could reasonably 'bump into him'.  But when we turned around he had gone.  So we scoured the top floor for him until we realized that he probably didn't go into the Macy's, but went down the escalator.  So we went on to the bottom floor and looked for about an hour, walking at top speed, into every store window.  But *sigh* we never found him.  That was one of the most interesting days though.

I talked to CJ last night around Eleven for an hour on the phone. It was like sex but better, haha. I found out that he quit smoking weed. Now before you say anything, he kind of does affect my decision. I also hate the way that weed makes me incapable to give a flying fuck. I'm letting it rule my life. My main goal has been to get high every weekend for the past at least two months. Not that I've ever accomplished this goal, but still, it has been a goal. For a while... I just thought that weed was something I could use to take all the fucking pain away. Now I'm not so sure. I owe Mason *Shawna's little brother* a pack of cigarettes and some weed. I should give him catnip, but that would be fucking mean. Besides, he'd know the difference instantly. He's a hardcore stoner and he's only fucking twelve. I don't want to end up like my uncle Doug. I don't want to be the kind of person that gets high around their four year old daughter. I don't want to beat on my husband *he has a wife, mind you* just because I don't have weed. I'm fucking addicted. I never thought that weed could be addictive, but it's the fucking feeling, it's harsh. I have a fucking addictive personality. I don't want this. I don't want to be the fucking person that sends their four year old daughter to her grandparents where her grandfather is a known child molester... I'm quitting. After getting high a number of times since January... I realize that I'm letting it rule my life. Yes, sure it makes me feel better, it makes me feel like I'm humorous...It makes me feel like a person. I'd rather be interesting than just be a person. I can't be a person. I want to give a fuck what happens to my life. I don't want to sit there and say "Oh I'm going to court this week... Who cares, let's go get high!" I want to give a flying fuck what happens to me. I still do believe in the legalization of marijuana, and yes I like how it makes me feel... But I have to quit or it will take over my life even more. My uncle started smoking when he was eight years old... I lost my virginity to a guy that I fucking knew I would end up hating, while I was on drugs. Keep in mind, people that are my friends... This does NOT mean I'm going to stop drinking, I do wish to have a bit of fun. I want to be able to live without having a drug hold me up. I want to be stable without a drug. I want to be able to do this on my own, and I know for a fact that I'm strong enough. I can get through life without drugs. I mean my feelings may change, but I will be on probation, so I couldn't get high anyway. My feelings may change after sobering up a little bit. I want to be clean for now... I want to see how I can do without Mary Jane holding me up. I want to live and give a shit about my emotions... I could never show my emotions when I was high... Never. It'd always come out wrong and we'd fucking laugh. Well that's done... I'm not going to laugh at how I feel anymore. I want things to be real... And the weed, just made everything surreal. Yeah I came up with a lot of conspiracy theories while I was high, and they could be true... I'll probably never get the motivation to find out if they are true if I keep doing weed. But to all my friends that are stoners... I will never be against you because I know how it feels now.

Peace
<3 Jess

       Well I dunno, it's kind of weird lately. I mean my parents blame me for a lot of things I didn't do and it's really starting to piss me off. They also won't let me do anything, but today I'm probably going to this one carnival with Thomas and Joanna. I dunno, that'd be cool.
       I talked to CJ yesterday and I was telling him how much I hated to be isolated from people I care about *him included* and he's like "It could be worse, at least you didn't move." Yeah, I could have moved and that would have sucked, but I was messin with him when he was saying how many people would miss me. "And are you one of those people?"
      In other news I'm HALFWAY through my entire science course! WHOOSH! Yep, in my school I'm halfway done and I get out the tenth of June. Hehehe... I win! That's if I don't slack off. I'm also going to Shawna's tomorrow. Hehehe, I'm such a social person. I heart my friends!

Peace,
<3 Jess