Changing @ MindSay

So, I spent last weekend alone..I didnt go out with any friends, but I'm actually glad I did take some time for myself. It really gave me a chance to analyze my life and everything around me to see where I stand (I also got a chance to get work done as well). All through the weekend, I looked at a bunch of past blogs (mostly more recent ones from the summer till now, though) and also at a bunch of pictures from grade 9. It really got my mind thinking about memories, how I used to write poetry, my "group" that I mentioned tons (ESPECIALLY during the summer), how I used to write blogs, how friends have changed, how I have changed, and just realizing how life is itself. I'm sure that whole sentence did not make a lot of sence, so I'm going to try and put it all in a nutshell (well, a rather long, insightful nutshell) instead of just listing things about each point...

 

So basically it all started out on Friday (latenight) when I was using the computer. I have mentioned in the past that I havent been using the computer really that often anymore, but really, when I do, im usually on it for a couple hours. On Friday night I was saving my whole folder of pictures, poetry, ect. to a data disc when I came across a whole bunch of pictures of me and jessica. One folder of pictures was from EXACTLY a year ago from Friday night (it was after midnight, so technically it was saturday, so it would have been the 24th). Me and Jessica are still the best of friends, but over the past little while me and her have gotten alot closer and have had a lot more serious talks and everything, even when theres all this stupid drama going on ALL the time (and I seriously mean, all the time). I was looking at these pictures, and there was one of me from a year ago, and I was shocked at the difference for just a year...what i usualy do is compare myself from a picture from grade 8 to now, and people laugh in surprise at the difference. But really, it shocked ME at the difference 1 year was. I kinda forget how I used to look and everything. I seriously have changed in alot of ways, and I know I mention this from time to time, but I like to because I always find it incredable how highschool and certain situations can change you in the most random ways. Back in the picture of me from grade 9 that I found, I had brown, shoulder length CURLY hair, was wearing clothes that were obviously a couple sizes too small, and was wearing barely any makeup at all. A year later, and I now have black hair that is now basically all straight due to months of striaghtening it with a professional straightener (it took less that 6 months to loose almost all curl i had), and is past shoulder length, I wear the right size clothing or baggy clothing, and will hardly will be seen without my eyes completely surrounded in black.

 

But besides physical appearance, I also took time to analyze my physcoligal changes as well. Seriously, has anyone looked at some of my earliest blogs recently? (I'm not pressuring you to do so, it was just a question:P). The way I used to write back then is an embarrasment to me now...I'm not really talking about poetry (although, i do admit I dont like most of my old poetry, but ill get to that later on...). I'm mainly talking about blogs. I would write day to day, use about 20 smileys for a blog not even a third of the size as this blog, spell every 5th word incorrect (and I know I continue to make grammatical errors, but I really try not to), and it would be about the most stupid things ever. I remember one time I wrote a blog bitching about my brother letting his friend using my hair straightener without asking...I look back at that now and I want to slap myself for that, because its the most ridiculously childish thing ever  to write about over the internet, not to mention very childish thing to rant about. However, I have matured from that..but I still dont like the fact that I'm blogging so much about depression and how sad I am and everything...it makes me feel like a whiner, and even I was saying to myself, "suck it up, sunshine". And I actually have, thankfully. I hide my sadness alot better from people in order not to bum them out, but the thing is thats caused me to blog about depression alot more recently, and I look back at blogs from the summertime and I realize how annoying it can get, so I'm going to try and limit that a bit, and try to channel that energy into writing more, because my writing turns out alot better with emotion packed into it. Today is the perfect example of this: basically today I was informed of being called a stalker by one of my good friends and all this other teenage drama shit that comes with highschool, and I couldnt pay attention in careers class so I wrote a poem:

Black Swan

Secrets fall upon your unspoken lips

I reach to you with outstretched fingertips

You look at me with apologizing eyes

But instead of helping, you say your goodbyes

Without having a word to say

You turn and walk away

I watch your shadow fade into the mist

And I know those lips will continue to be kissed

For in our world of darkness, you are the light

And I’m the opaqueness of the night

I am only allowed until the outbreak of dawn

Because in your perfect world, there is no room for this black swan

That is, until you need me to fly you out of the wasteland

To go back to where you are supposed to stand

And once back in your perfect landscape

You thank me for helping you escape

But I know it’ll only take until dawn

For you to leave the Black Swan

 

By: Kristal St. Jean

Date: November 27, 2007.

 

Now, just to clarify soemthing, this is NOT about me missing my ex boyfriend, although it could seem that way because of the line "And I know those lips will continue to be kissed". But that line just means more about friends, and stuff, but its too complicated to explain.

 

So yea, thats basically an indepth update with me. I would love to finish off this blog better, but it is 20 after 10 right now and ive been on the computer since 8, so my dads getting frustrated with me..

 

anwyays, byebye for now.

 

-:|Kristal:|

each emotion  takes over another  forming an end to it

fighting amost itself taking over control

each  crystaline tear dropping upon the paleness of the skin

leaving behind  burn marks

soulful eyes lost of color watching from within the walls  of the mind

sitting here in an state of trancelucent haze

wondering what is going on

turning round  only to  find that life  has  gouged her

as she tries to get back 

 she claws her way outward slicing  one...

 as she does so..scaring her .

 she  turns and runs back to darkness

listenning as the screams are her friend as the pain is  her tool

she then finds that she is nothing more then complex creature

<p>
       WWII-era Germans considered themselves
 technologically superior, culturally superior, and fiercely patriotic.

      Using the power of media control, propaganda, changing  policy
 and secret laws. They began living in a state so powerful, that for
 the good of the people, they allowed the tortures and atrocities
 in the camps and the outright aggression against other countries.


   Hmm? does this sound like any nation on the earth today?


  I often wondered why the German people didn't see what was happening.

  I wonder why many here cannot see what is happening here now.

           Just take a good look at this HOMELAND crap !!!
                         For crying out loud  people!!!
          It sounds like something right out of the NAZI playbook.

 People do you really think HS was set up for our protection ???

Are you aware they hired ex-top-KGB and East German Stasi agents ???

 If it is true, so what ?

    The job of the KGB and Stasi was to set up police states
 to keep people in, not keep terrorists out. !!!

     By the way there is no way terrorists can
directly attack your civil liberties !!!

    The only people who can change civil
liberties and freedoms are the people we elect.!!!

   The ONLY people who can attack the freedoms we
 have are the President and the Congress, and they've
done a good job of attacking them so far.

 Stop allowing your government to sacrifice
 our liberty under the guise of security.


  We the people, Americans have failed to do anything
about all the crap that has gone down already.
 (stolen elections, 9-11, the war in Iraq, the PATRIOT Act, etc)

   Don't forget about raising fuel prices to limit travel.
  Along with the we need more research on alternative fuels
thats going to take twenty years bullshit.
( I have posted earlier, they have had the solution to
 todays energy problem for over thirty years)
Yes the first Arab oil embargo was back in 1973 ,
 you really dont think that the powers that be were
 not working on this problem do you  ???

 The reason our Govt does what it pleases now ???

                        Nobody cares!!!

  The people are afraid of loosing what they have and
don't realize that if they don't get off their ass and
confront these bastards they will loose it anyway.

                If that happens, we deserve it.
                 Wake up to what is going on.
           See that as it is before it's too late.

           I don’t think that we have to walk
         blindly down the path we are set on.

   Unfortunately, I don't think there will be a revolution.
 Everyone will drink the kool aid and do as they are told.

    Consider this your future....
     The government is my shepherd, I shall always want.
  it leads me to the endless paperwork of bureaucracy
  that is meant weaken my resolve. Until...

      I acknowledge the political masters as lords of my existence
.       They rule, I live only to serve. They command, I obey.
       I shall Worship the bosses. I live only to do as ordered
         because of the recognition of their supreme authority.
              All wealth and pleasure shall be for the bosses,
                          I shall ask nothing for myself,
                     I shall give unquestioning servitude.

 
      It was foretold, that there will be a time, that it "may" become necessary to change the regime
 that exists as a government. when the inalienable rights of the people become perverted and distorted
beyond the means to "practice" what the Constitution and the Bill of Rights gives and allows us to do
as an American citizen.

   We are in the last portion of a real life game, the loss of which means the loss of the remaining few
freedoms we have, the loss of what material items we have worked so hard for and for a great number
of Americans it will mean the end of your lives. This is no joke and is not bull shit, it is for real.

                          The second amendment was passed to prevent this very thing.
                 If this government is not forced to see the outrage and see it very soon you
                    will see the military on the streets and in your homes as they disarm you.

                                    Here drink this kool aid, do as you are told.

                                                 Then what are you going to do?

</p>

 

So, I actually meant that post a few days ago to be about how things are changing. But it went in a totally different direction.

Honestly, I don't know that I can yet clarify how things are changing. Maybe it's only reinforcing the changes that broke ground a few months ago, making them more real and less of a novelty. I'm not as interested in being the solo act or the center of attention (this is startling)...and where before I'd always been involved with everybody, now it's the one-on-one I look forward to.

Possibly putting one friendship back together. I hadn't realized that the way we were drifting apart was hurting him. His girlfriend had come into his life, and I'd kind of been pushed out. Which is okay, I suppose, I've been in that situation before. I missed him, but we'd had an argument about his lifestyle, and I thought he didn't want me around anymore if I wasn't going to be behind him 100%. Actually, in general, I thought he didn't want me around anymore.

Hmmm. I'm noticing this being a recurring theme. Concluding that since guys don't say something, they don't think it. However, to me, it makes more sense than assuming that they think something when they haven't clearly indicated it. There has to be a middle ground that makes sense here, but I've yet to find it.

For the first time, Slasher's come over and actually spent time with the family. Well, in the same building as the family, which is an improvement. He's less distasteful now than before - still fully capable of slashing someone's confidence, but I'm learning to not take anything he says seriously. Slowly. We watched The Swan Princess, had a generally decent time. Long-standing favorite of the Ariane. This is how I shall do this - take it one bit at a time, gradually build the amount of time we'd spend in the same room. This was far more than I'd meant to start off with, but it was Swan Princess. I love Swan Princess.

Sometime this week, I'll have my interview for summer plans. I may have already made serious points against me by irritating her, but I hope not. Very much hoping that I get this, very much hoping that whoever they do get will be the best counselors those girls could have. Pray on this one.

I've come to the conclusion that I've been doing way too much talking out there, and not nearly enough listening. Even when I'm not talking, my mind's been on the next mission, the next puzzle, juggling what I need to get done. I'm not really making friends at SCC, but I can bet that's because I'm never really that open with anyone, or even to anyone. Just busy, planning, thinking, mind's already ahead of where I am.

There's a bit of weirdness with friends. I'm no longer finding interest in one particular group that's a fairly negative influence on me (as opposed to before, when I just knew I shouldn't be with them), but...I don't really have close friends in the music department anymore, because most of them seem kind of immature and unmotivated. And I had something unique in both of those circles. It kind of feels as though I don't have that anymore. It's just kind of weird.

My Simon and Garfunkel cd turned up - I've been looking for it for months. Eating a peanut-butter and cinnamon-sugar open-face sandwich, talking with Rogue and sharing a relaxed afternoon together. Good music, good munchies, good friend, life is good.