I'm feeling deflated now. I say that as though I was at one time filled with air, floating merrily amongst the clouds. Uh, I swear I just heard a wolf howl. I know for a fact that Australia is what I'd call a "wolf-free" country. That's what I get for living in Canberra.
She seems to be going through times no easier than she was as the beginning of the relationship. That is to say she has
gotten worse. I'm wondering what she'll do to herself next. It worries me. I don't feel as though this is something under my control, nor would I wish it were so. I only want to be with her. I don't want to be for her. She needs herself, and only herself. What happens next though? How does she heal from the wounds she bears already? I've suggested that she talk to someone. Someone who has an education. Someone other than me. I only finished college, which some of you call high school. Besides, I'm biased.
I don't want this again. I just want them to look after themselves. I gess the first two did. They ditched me. Ha. That's a depressing, although curiously eye opening, thought.
I'd like to talk to my exs. Old friends. Old enemies, sometimes. It's sad, but I don't know how. I don't even know their numbers, some of them. What do I do then? I know there are phone books. I know where some of them live. Is that enough? Maybe. I'll have to remember tomorrow.
There was something important that I remembered this morning but can't recall. Very important. I'm a mess. What was it?
The thing that dominates my mind right now is how
she is going to react when she reads this. I bet she doesn't talk to me for hours and when I finally call her she acts as though nothing is wrong, or tries to hide it and doesn't tell me most of the problem. I can only think of how much time that will take, and the way she does it every time something goes wrong. Does anyone have any hints? How do I deal with this, I wonder.
I've grown so much since my first girlfriend. It's strange thinking of things that I used to do. Things I've grown out of, or ways that I've changed mentally. My perception of my surroundings has changed dramatically. I don't feel like a kid anymore. I just feel like someone who has yet to find where they belong. I wonder when that'll happen. It doesn't matter yet. It will happen.
Just another post on the all-mighty Internet. Let's see how it does.
"But if you really want to live/Why not try and Make Yourself"
I wonder, if
she breaks will she heal the right way? I wonder if there will be cracks in the pottery. Beauty in imperfection seems to be a common theme these days. Will it suit her?
-Mitch
