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I'm Afraid That...
I'm afraid...

that I still love Jayden.

that I love Tito.

that I might never love Tito.

that being with Tito wont solve all my problems.


Tito keeps giving hints that he wants to be together, but I think he's still not sure because he wont say anything solid. He asked me randomly if I had my eye on anyone. We were on skype so I said "Well I have my eye on someone right now." haha.

When I asked him why he wanted to know he was all ..well, friends are interested in their friends' love lives... he said he was tired so he was just blabbering and not making sense. hehe, he's so cute.

Distance is another thing. I don't want it! I can't do it again! why do all the good guys come from so afar!

For 8 months of the year we'd be in the same building, but the other 4...provinces away. like right now. I mean, we could get a place or something, but I'm sure he wants to go back to his town and see friends and stuff. And there's nothing to do in our University's town...

I can't go on faith anymore. I don't have it. I'm afraid that will prevent me from being with anyone...

Oh, Jayden. sigh

You have been given by your superiors to decide what to do to improve your sales and reverse the trend favorable to the business. Your superiors gave you a chance to show your talent. They trusted you all the way giving you a free hand the kind of  strategies you will make to win the pulse of the consumers. Whatever the outcome of your actions will depend on the worthiness of your decision.

Making decision will put you to the test. It has a great impact to your life. It changes your life to a place more secured, abundance and plenty. Only two things will happen to you, either you will succeed or in failure.

Making decisions is not new to us. In a family, there's always a decision to make by everybody, a decision the way you dress, where to go, what meals to prepare, when to sleep and wake up and more. Any small details in life needs decision, agreement and execution. Decision is responsibility to solve the problem faced at hand by looking for ways most effective and appropriate to dispatch in an immediate fashion.

Decision is between life and death. It has risk if it does not bring good result. Failure in making good decision can lead to your downfall, it may change your fortune. There were many rich people that became penniless because of an ineffective decision. A threat to the business and to your own investment. A wrong choice is not an excuse that no one is perfect. This dilemma had a greater impact in your life if it does not turn out well.

Making decision has its own uncertainties, maybe contrary to your belief. In order to move forward, a decision has to be made no matter what the outcomes will be and no matter what it cost to you.

Making decision has its own sequence of event in food production, when to plant, what is the ideal season and location, when to harvest and do the marketing. Each second we play, we make our decision based on the question of when, where, whom, and how. This is the controller of our every action.

Making decision is the hardest effort to make. It can even cause the lives of everybody out from the wrong choice. Many of us are making different options. Due to the many choices to select, it gets us confused which of this option is the best. It lead us to indecision which is the best way to go.

You don't have to aim for the perfectness of your decision. Trust your instinct. Decide to those that give you peace of mind, comfort and most appropriate. In deciding, do a comparison of its effectiveness, its advantages and to those that are not. Then do the process of elimination and selection you believe a good one. Don't depend on other people's choice but it helps to guide you the most preferable and reasonable one. Remember, your life and the life of your family, friends and others is at your hand here. Don't make a rush and abrupt decision. Allow more time for your mind to wander. Think it thoroughly and wisely.

Ask direction from Above to enlighten you and see the clearness of your mind in making a choice. Don't be clouded in deciding because of your fears. You can overcome them if you have the will and the heart to make a correct decision.

Maybe its perfect?
 I dont know where I am or WHO I am or why my mind is so carried away. But I saw your face and I got butterflies in my stomach. I heard everything you said and my heart dropped to the floor.. In a good way. Its still you, but its MORE you than ever. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

 Ive been waiting for this. It feels like Ive been waiting for you to come back for years and years. I didnt even realize there was so much of you missing until now, until I see you becoming whole. 

 It feels like all of my waiting is finally going to pay off. It feels like you are becoming who I have been waiting for you to be. And not because I told you to, or asked you to. Because its who you really are. It feels like hope.

 I dont know what any of this means. But I am positive that its a good thing. :) 

I Feel like India, Circa 1947
My classroom is about to be ripped apart, literally.  I honestly feel like it's the Partition in India...minus the whole 'violence-death-religious issues' thing.

Paula (and Stacey) are going to start working with T, Kathleen's being pulled to the other program that is SO UNDERSTAFFED to work with Li again.  Except, now she's really happy working with T and being on my staff and doesn't want to do that anymore.  I feel so bad for her.

Oh, and most of the rest of my staff are miserable because they've just been alerted that we're going to be doing staff switching.  I've been trying to organize that since September so everyone gets a break from their kids and don't burn out, but it's finally going to happen, and let's just say... no one really likes change.  So basically, I HAVE to do this, especially since Susan is struggling (lost 2 staff, 1 is on medical leave, another is out sick at least once a week...) so badly, but I feel like even though it's not my fault or call, I'm the asshole.  I feel like everyone's mad at me.

So, here's what I know so far:

- NJ (JJ) is moving/moved to Amherst, and I've gotten TWO phone calls from the counselor/director there (I THINK it's the guy I did de-escalation training with, not sure) because they thought he should be there already.  He was absent on Tues, but showed up here today, so I have NO IDEA if he went there on Tues or was having another asthma issue or ... great.  He could be gone for good tomorrow (his mom is NOT communicative).

- I was having a cup of tea after school today when the secretary, Millie, came in to tell me I had a call.  I was hoping it was JJ's new director, but it was Judy, our school guidance counselor.  She said that Kenya is in trouble because she lied to get M to our school still by saying her foster mom, Gina was transporting her (Gina doesn't have a car, btw).  Kenya told us she found a loophole where M could stay with us until the end of 2009, but apparently that isn't true, especially because she did it really sneakily.

So Judy was talking to the head of Kenya's service, who asked, "Well, should her last day at your school just be tomorrow?" and Judy called Gwen (my principal) and Gwen said, "Yes; she's not doing very well here anymore because of all the changes and it's going to happen eventually".  So unless Judy calls my cellphone at some point tonight (it's on now and my phone is NEVER on before 7 when I leave the building) ... M's LAST DAY IS TOMORROW.

I am absolutely devastated.  I can't bear the thought of her not being my student anymore. I love her so damn much; I love all my babies, don't get me wrong, but there's something about M... she's a challenge and a half, but she's also so smart and funny and creative and grown-up and simultaneously a little girl and ... these are real tears.  And I feel like I need to call Paula (her E.S.P.) to warn her just in case this really happens.

And if both M and NJ are gone... will they fire Paula??  I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed her.

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