Change @ MindSay 
love
It has been so long since I posted on here.
And so much has happened.
Of course.
So like...
Wow.
I'm currently completing my Diploma of Music Studies at Orange Tafe.
We are currently rehearsing for the Orange Theatre Company's production of The Wedding Singer, in which I play George.
And... Yeah...
Let's see, the last thing you all heard was that I was working at teh Orange Ex-Services Club and doing Jekyll and Hyde, plus having issues about life love and everything...
Since then (in chronological order):
I have left the club; done Cats with the OTC; met this guy named Mat (different to me, I am Matt); been the Manager of Boost Juice; moved into a share house with a group of friends (Mat included); started dating Mat; got fired; started a Cert IV in Music at TAFE; done You're a Good Man Charlie Brown as Snoopy (hella awesome that was); moved out of share house and into a flat with Mat; completed a Cert IV in Music at TAFE; started a Diploma of Music at TAFE; broken up with Mat; moved back to Canowindra with Mum and sisters; taken up Tai Chi; and got the role of George in The Wedding Singer... All in 2 and a bit years.
So yeah. Things are going along better than ever, and I have found a great deal of peace within myself.
I am pleased to be no longer as emo as I used to be. lol
I am more in touch with myself now than I think I have ever been. I dont fight things so much, I go with the flow a lot easier, but I also work hard to create the reality I want for myself.
I'm proud of myself for the things I've done and do, and I've healed a lot of crap from my past.
I enjoy my life and I love my friends so much, they have helped bring me back from some of the darkest times in my life.
Being with Mat was toxic, I loved him and sorta still do, and he loved me as much as he could, but it wasn't a healthy relationship, too many drugs, too much stress and depression and shit.
I understand that everybody hurts and every couple has rough patches and stuff, but it just wasn't healthy. Everyone who knows me saw me change so dramatically in the 2 years I was with Mat, and now they see me and can see me smiling again and laughing again. It's good.
I miss him, but at the same time I'm glad. I hope he finds his way out of the darkness, I sincerely do, but I just couldn't let him bring me down anymore.
And I didn't want to be responsible for not being good for him anymore, and thus being responsible for making him worse.
So yeah, that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it was necessary and I was definately being the grown up in that situation. I think.
So I moved back to my mum's. lol
My family will always be there and I hope they realise that i will always be there for them no matter where I am. I love them so much, my sisters are so awesome. *hugs for them*
My plans for the future?
Well, for tafe this year we have to record an album, so once I do that I can sell it, and next year I'm going to get another job and work my ass off earning money, while getting vocal training and dance lessons so that I can try out for WAAPA (Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts) in Perth. They do a Bachelor of Arts in Musical Theatre. Sweet!
That's what's motivating me for the next three years, but I'm open to that changing.
Anyways. I'll try to update this more often now, and the appearance of the page will probably change.
I also wanna go back and delete old posts that are full of angst and stress.
So cha.
Peace and love all.
Matty D.
Ok, this might sound absolutly mental, but I actually am scared of time. Not like, "OMG!! ONE MINTUE PASSED!!!"
I mean, I freek out when I realise how things have changed. I try not to think about how many years has passed but I think not thinking about it on regular basis might do more harm than good.
I was just remembering back when I was 5. How it was 10 years ago. And I completely freeked out. I started shaking and I had to put music on to calm me down.
It's hard for me to talk about the past. I like remembering good times and I like sharing them to my friends, but I haveto be careful of thinking of how old I was or how long a time ago it was. I can control myself infront of people. But it hunts me down when I'm alone.
It is SO hard to explain. I just wish I would be ok with the fact that things change and I get older and that people change. So I quess I am scared of change also..
Is this normal, or have I invented a completely new fobia? Is there anyone suffering with the same thing?
An early morning walk does wonders to one's soul --- if you let it. This one morning cool and crisp brought me to usual paths and neighborhood. A familiar figure caught my attention as I walked passed by. ----
- A middle-aged housewife watering her small modest garden … Such a lovely garden kept lush and green, flowers in bloom in every nook and cranny of the small lot all cared for by her nurturing hand. She looked happy, content, serene, at peace in and with her little corner of the world. I am sure that the plant kingdom feel that way too. But who wouldn't be when touched by gentle caring nurturing hands?
Come to think of it, isn’t that quite so much what a human being needs– this kind of nurturing of body, mind, and soul?
A human being can’t always cope fully alone by himself in this world of continuing change and challenge. Can you imagine just how and what a well-meaning word of encouragement, hope, faith, care, inspiration, stimulation, motivation can do to another person weak in his own resources, power, and strength? It can take so little to create miracles. Believe this. The power is in you to do just that.
People need nurturing too and other things besides– homes, family, children, old folks, friends, relationships, ambition and dreams, business, projects, organizations, companies, towns, countries, pets, environment, etc and etc. Life and all that it affects undoubtedly need nurturing and constant care no matter what.
How can there be continuity in our lives if everything is allowed to wither away and die alone all by itself? Continuity or life is sealed with a huge hunk of nurturing. And I'll say it again --- the power is in you, me, us --- to do just that.
I'm taking this post written sometime back here now because it so describes what my thoughts are today. So here I am back at my computer over the familiar key board with the intent to write. Well, the intent to write and actual writing are two different things I’ve found out. You can muster up all the intent you may need to write but often it doesn’t usually fall into actual writing--- while writing sometimes doesn’t need serious intent. Strange -- but not really. It happens. :-) Now let’s get on with this and see what the Muses have been churning up in my recent brief hiatus.
“While we flatter ourselves that things remain the same, they are changing under our very eyes from year to year, from day to day.” ----- (Charlotte Perkins Gilman)
So--- where then is this change I do not see? So I stopped walking--- let my eyes roam seeking that ‘change’ so spoken of. Fortunately I stood on a high vantage point which allowed me a good vista of my neighborhood—my place called home. From my left I saw all sorts of trees – tall, in various shapes and sizes, and in the deep darkest of green. But wait…the color seemed to have gone lighter in spots. Are those new leaves sprouting? How interesting! Whoa! Is that a new paint on Mr. Benny’s gate? -- Didn’t see that before. Hey, somebody’s building a new house down at the end of the road. Why didn’t I notice that?! Oh boy, what used to be a vine of flat disc-shaped leaves draping the fence of a friend’s house, now has white blossoms in its midst. Lovely! I almost missed it. I continued my survey of the now interesting landscape of nature, houses, and people before me. My eyes hovered over the area like radar seeking out unfamiliar objects but this time with fresh anticipation of something new. I was greatly rewarded with priceless treasures that no longer stood hidden to me but was revealed by my willingness to see.
Yet my curiosity was even more aroused when I began to wonder – apart from things, just what change goes on inside the person. I smiled at the thought of immense possibilities that could transpire in the minds and hearts of people. Indeed, subtly or visibly, change happens outside of us and within us no doubt. Because things and people grow – develop. Change is growth. Life is all about change – is all about growth – is all about us moving from one place to another. In that movement we leave behind bits of our layers and at the same time take on new ones sprouting to replace the old. We evolve, transform, progress, improve, mature, and learn-unlearn-relearn. This is our change. This takes place under our very eyes from year to year, from day to day.
“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” ---- (Henri Bergson)
Well, I think this morning's walk gave me more than I had hoped for. I was proceeding down the slope heading for home when Mrs. Reyes, the neighborhood gossip, saw me and engaged me in a chat or should I say ‘gossip’. Not wanting to be rude I let her have her ‘chat’. Anyway, this lady is part of the ‘landscape’ too lolz. As she babbled away, I listened and intently watched her face. Wrinkles etched deeply at the corners of her eyes-- and silver locks of hair mingled with her usual dark tresses. ‘Changed’, I thought.
“You know I saw Mia’s daughter the other day at the mall. Remember she got married to this young army officer the other year? She’s your godchild, right?” spoke Mrs. Reyes breaking up my thoughts.
“Yes, so how is she now?” I replied. “Oh but she hasn’t changed a bit. She has remained the same girl we knew so well when she was here living with her mom.”
“Remained the same? How wonderful!”… And I smiled.
But of course I knew better. Things and people may remain the same – but not really. At that point, I took my leave and walked on home. Rounding the corner I looked back briefly and there she was ---‘chatting’ with another friend. Maybe some things do not change – but then again not really.
It's been over a year since I really did anything on here. I've signed in now and then just to see what people are saying and see what's going on. I've felt like writing, just to write, a couple times, but nothing came of it... until today. I was looking back at some of my old entries, and wow, what a pile of self-pity I was last year haha. Let me just say thank you to all of you for giving me so much support as I was going through the hardest time of my life to date, and for continually reading my thoughts.
A lot has happened in the last year, and I won't bore you with the details, but for those who are interested, I have been officically divorced since April. By the time that date came around, the event actually sparked celebration! I'm glad to have it past me. I rarely give her a thought anymore, except when she comes up in conversation or I see her at work, and even then, it no longer phases me.
I have an amazing group of friends, and that group only continues to grow as I continue to meet new people and experience new things. I've been dating an incredible woman for 2 months, and I couldn't be happier. It's strange to look back at where my life was not two years ago compared to now. I thought my life was falling apart, and I guess in a sense, it was. But ya know what? Life is great!
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