Carving @ MindSay

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I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.

I think I know ultimatley what the trigger to my depression was.

 

I was reading over my prospectus to Teesside University. This week in college is the Stepping Up week - thus, we're having endless talks about unversity, how to apply, how to write personal statements and all that shite.

The course I'm interested in is English Studies & Creative Writing.

To enrol on it, you need 220 UCAS points.

If I end up with three Cs for my three A2s - that will give me 260 points. But I'm still doubting I can even reach that... I don't want C grades - but that's the bare minimum I need. Although, like I said - I'm still doubting if I can even do that.

 

The other issue is of course -the course is Creative WRITING - the one thing I'm having great difficutly attempting.

I haven't got a clue how I managed to write the introduction to DATWBSVOH yesterday. What's weird is the fact I wrote it on paper... I usually struggle a lot to get things down on paper, as opposed to a word processor. If I do end up writing anything down on paper - it also tends to be of a shitty quality.

 

I'm still unsure if I like what I've written but...

 

My writing tends to have a few stages to it, and judging how I feel as I'm writing it and after I've finished, I can tell if I'm going to like it or not.

 

 

During the writing process:

 

1) I'll be writing rapidly, maybe even smiling as I do so.

2) I'll be writing at a moderate speed, getting a rare sentence or paragraph block.

3) I'll be writing slowly, getting frequent blocks.

4) I'll be writing incredibly slowly, struggling to conjure up basic words and phrases.

5) I won't get anything written at all. I may write one or two sentences, but promptly delete them.

 

After it's complete:

 

1) I'll shrug, not finding many or any faults with it, but unsure if I like it or not.

2) I may find one or two faults, but I won't feel any dislike for it yet.

3) I'll read it over and truly not have a clue how to judge it because it's equal either way.

4) I'll hate every word of it, refuse to read it again and get upset with myself.

5) I'll delete it before it's even fully finished becuase I hate it THAT much.

 

DATWBSVOH's introduction ranked #1 for during writing and #2 for after completion.

 

I'm wanting to know - was it a fluke, or will I be able to continue?

If it's not a fluke and I manage to write something else pretty soon, I'm going to see if I can continue with some old work. I'm thinking of maybe putting some fan fiction on hold, continuing ahead with my original fiction.

 

It isn't fair - the best thing I've ever written WAS fan fiction.

Goddammned TFATH.

 

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Either way - I started getting really depressed after thinking things over.

I haven't done what I did for a few months.

 

I'd even told Dianne that I thought I'd totally stopped.

It seems not.

 

Now I feel like I've let her down. :(

I'm also afraid of telling Shelly about it. I'd have told her this morning, but she had an exam to worry about - I didn't want to ruin her concentration and motivation streak by making her worry about me.

 

I washed my jacket last night, so I've had to wear my striped jumper to college.

It's so warm here in the LRC, but I can't even roll my sleeves up...

 

I tried out the new carving technique I used a while ago and really liked.

First, I'll carve out my word/phrase/intials - then I'll use a small piece of metal to run red food colouring or red ink through the cuts. This stains the skin underneath and makes them stay for longer.

I'll then cut over them again once the ink has dried.

 

I used food colouring - it works well, but it has a tendancy to stain any non-cut skin a weird orange colour.

 

Last night's carving was: "FAILURE" - something I've felt like cutting into myself for quite a while.

 

I have to stain them because I just don't seem to hurt myself as badly as I used to. My old cuts would stay for weeks, possibly months. My newer ones only seem to stay for about a fortnight.

It just doesn't give me the same release any more. I still bleed as much as I used to - but they're nowhere near as deep. I add to the blood effect (which is what I really like to see) with the ink... 

 

 

I'm really worried about what Shelly's reaction is going to be though...

Ashleigh too - but by the time I see her, they may have healed over a bit... :(

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Dixie currently feels:

 Content

 

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Blog #17

GRANNY PANTS FOR LIFE

 

 

I would say that smiley looks a bit too happy to be content...

I couldn't really find a smiley that looked 'content', though.

 

I planned to get up at 11 so I could tidy my room a bit - but Shelly woke me up by ringing me - but shen she hung up before I could get out of bed and answer my phone.

It's not my fault my ringtone is fucking awesome.

 

I spent the most of my morning eating bacon noodles and adding new King Diamond tracks to my iTunes.

(I've only gone and downloaded one with a fucking announcer. "YOU ARE LISTENING TO THE NEW-" FUCK OFF. - So I'll have to download that one again.)

 

Ashleigh and Shelly came down today, as they often do.

It's mainly them coming here - but sometimes we go to Ash's.

We would have done today, but they had a party the night before, so Ash said the bungalow would be a mess.

 

Shelly came first - and I opened the door to two guitars. She brought her PS2 down so we could all play on Guitar Hero II and Guitar Hero: Rocks The 80s.

(She has them all - she's almost as obsessed as I am. I'm more obsessed because I download all the tracks. Har har har. I'm also a member of the community, so there. :P)

 

We lounged around downstairs a bit while we waited for Ash.

She turned up shortly after - and Shelly insisted we both stand in the doorway and open it with a flourish before she managed to reach the door.

Though we were the ones to be taken aback - she'd taken my dare of the week seriously and turned up in a pair of neon pink combat trousers. Very... Neon. :)

 

Within like 5 minutes of her being in the house - Shelly cried out in such distaste that Ash reeked of vodka.

It was true - after Shelly insisted Ash breathed into my nose - I agreed she did a bit.

Thus we went on about this for a lot of the day. I wasn't ever bothered by it though - I like the many scents Ash brings with her.

 

We went upstairs, set up Shelly's pink PS2 - which didn't quite match Ash's trousers, but it was still very pink.

It's been about 5 months since I played Guitar Hero II - but it was well worth waiting for.

 

We played a few co-op matches - all of my favourite songs: Free Bird, Red Lottery, Less Talk More Rokk, Yes We Can, Woman and Crazy On You (several times :D)

 

Then Shelly wanted to see if she could achieve her two current goals - and she managed to do them both.

Through The Fire & Flames on Medium, and beating her star score on Raining Blood on Easy.

It's hilarious when Shelly feels accomplished with herself - she proper squeals.

 

Because Ash was so knackered - we actually barely got any filming for our coursework done.

In effect, we could have filmed around 6+ scenes, but we only did one.

 

And yes, that was the tripping into the mud scene.

We practised it a few times in the living room - and I got numerous carpet burns on my knee, my palms and my elbows.

We went out to the patch I found previously and sloshed the water down. Unfortunatley - due to the temperature outside, the mud was still practically solid - so instead of going splat into it - I slid across it.

It also hurt a lot, the ground was almost frozen.

 

Ash said it would have taken several buckets to make it to how we all wanted it.

Though we have established we can do it. - What we filmed is okay, but it could be improved by the consistencty of the mud I fall into.

 

I didn't even get any on my face - my shirt was just smeared and my elbows were pretty dirty.

My glasses fell off infront of me, for some reason - and that never happened during practise.

 

We have agreed if we can't do it again, what we have is fine - but we're going to wait a week or two until it gets warmer. With warmth comes softer earth, and more dirt for Dixie.

 

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Came back inside from the coldness of the field outside - brought the PS2 downstairs and played some Rocks The 80s.

We scoffed two pizzas between us - pepperoni and BBQ chicken - and played a few co-op matches.

 

Then came the competitions - pro-face offs and battles.

I'm that good at battles, I won an Easy VS Expert. :)

 

Ash then got a craving to bash some drums - so we swapped to the Wii upstairs and had a few games of World Tour. I was on vocals, singing mental songs like Freak On A Leash, Prisoner Of Society and Trapped Under Ice.

 

The good thing about vocals is that if you know the words and have a reasonable idea that you're on the pitch - you don't need to watch your highway, so you can turn around and comment on the way your drummer sucks her cheeks when she's concentrating. :)

 

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I was upset shortly after by a shitty e-mail - I broke and had to go and cut myself.

I sat in the bathroom for a while with my staple remover - but I didn't shut the door properly - I didn't even lock it. That's a sure sign I didn't want to be alone.

 

I carved my arm again. Carving is just so much more meaningful. I cut my left arm a lot and carved my right one: "D-L-A--E-M-D--D-L-S-T-L."

 

Dixie Loves Ashleigh, Emily Must Die, Dixie Loves Shelly Too, Lots.

 

 

Shelly came in to comfort me - then Ash made some popcorn and asked me to come back in my room with them.

I sat behind the drums for a while and cried - before going to sit on the bed with Ash and Shelly. Shelly cuddled up to me and I cuddled up to Ash - so we ended up in our typical pose with Ash on the left, me on the right and Shelly laid between us.

 

I soon forgot about my arm and the cunt who goes out of her way to continually upset me. Truly, she must have nothing better to do with her time than constantly take time out to say and write things with the pure intention of hurting me.

 

We spent about an hour and a half cuddling each other.

Ashleigh told me she loved me - FOUR TIMES.

 

...I've always wanted her to say she loved me and it not being instigated by something said previously - and she did...

Shelly kept kissing me - which was nice. Shelly loves me a lot too.

 

I'm glad I have those two.

And I'll always have Adam. I'll never get rid of him. :)

I have my numerous friends at college and the odd few mates here and there.

 

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Our cuddles soon turned to slight violence - I gave Ash a wedgie. Tee hee, something I've been wanting to do for a long while.

It's so much easier to wedgie someone if they wear pants that are on the larger side - like I do.

 

GRANNY PANTS FOR LIFE. :)

 

Of course  - Shelly wedgied me too.

I tried to be hardcore and say it wasn't hurting - but Ashleigh kept saying I was wincing and pulling pained faces. ...It didn't hurt that much... :P

 

Then we were soon tickling each other - and nose-biting, ear-licking and blarting. :D

Ash is just so funny when she's in hysterics - she squeals, and that sounds funny as from a voice like hers.

 

Now I'm going to stay on the phone to Shelly for a while longer - probably keep talking about the day's events.

 

 

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #4

NO MORE LITERATURE

 

I woke up and looked at my arms.

They've scabbed over - some of them look decent.

I need to re-do some of them - I was cutting in the dark and in the silence. And the fact my mam was in bed, I couldn't hack at myself because it's too noisy.

In a silent room, if one hacks at oneself incredibly fast, all you can hear is: *HACK* *SLICE* *SCRAPE*

 

Dad took me to college - I went up the stairs to the 3rd floor - that's six flights - and I wasn't even tired. The stairs are improving my stair endurance.

I was far too early, so I stood about counting Freebirds.

 

[Counting Freebirds - Listening to 'Free Bird' by Lynyrd Skynyrd over and over again - for each play, 10 minutes pass - the song is 10:19 long.]

 

I met up with Lewis, stood around for a while then headed down to Media Studies.

Boring lesson - as it sometimes is - all we did was analysis of drama posters.

 

Then I went into town with him - bought some Pepsi and some crisps from B&M (Which later turned out to be FUCKING RANK). Hopped off to Greggs and got my 3rd ORGASMIC SANDWICH, and a fudge doughnut. (The very same type that exploded on Ashleigh. :D)

 

Got back to college in half an hour flat - which is my fastest time of going into town, getting stuff then coming back.

 

Sat at table #1 - decided to move because it was still covered in debris.

Sat at table #2 - decided to move after my Pepsi exploded all over me, the table and Lewis' leg.

Sat at table #3 - stayed there for two hours. :D

 

Shelly came in before Ashleigh - we all sat together waiting for our next lesson, engaging in our usual bantering. Shannon appeared and started pissing us all off.

She's so bloody ridiculous - I was just pissing myself into my iPod constantly.

(I was trying to play Solitaire, but she kept making me laugh, so I was snorting into the screen most of the time.)

 

Literature.

Always the fucking same.

 

I'd had enough of it today.

Today was the last day I analysed a poem then sat and did nothing for an hour.

I told Sue I was dropping Literature.

I gave her back Pride and Prejudice - and I'm not going to another A block lesson again.

 

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Currently, I'm debating with myself over whether or not I should let Ashleigh read Carving.

It was the last thing I wrote before I lost my ability to write.

 

I have the feeling it would upset her - or she'd turn up her nose at it.

I live with the constant fear that everything I do isn't good enough for Ashleigh.

I am an enrolled member of the Lummi Indian nation that is located in the Pacific Northwest, just off of Bellingham Bay in the beautiful Puget Sound.  For generations my family and ancestors have lived near the sound and followed the Salmon, Dungeness Crab, Halibit and other water creatures.  The traditions of the Native American have been constantly purged by the ruling social class of America and even though our history includes times when we were forbad to practice our spiritualism, we have survived and the Lummi people have found a strength that has for generations been attacked.  We are one of the many treaty indian tribes that have rights that were guarenteed to them by the United States government, and even though they tried to make farmers of us, we have survived and even today fish the waters of the Puget Sound and continue to raise our children with the beliefs and culture that have been passed down by our ancestors.

 

If you are interested in seeing some native artwork that is done by my thousands of relatives then  you would want to go to www.ebuynativeart.com, many of my cousins have been gifted with the ability to carve in the tradition of the Coastal Salish Indians, and pass on these gifts to other family members to keep our spirit alive.  I can recall when I met on of my cousins, Jewell James, he was standing next to a rather large log and looked at me with all seriousness and said "there is a bear in here!"  I was not sure what he was talking about but a couple of years later I was amazed to see a perfect carved black bear and two cubs that he had carved.  If anyone recalls the prayer pole that was taken across country to the park for the families affected by the tragedy of September 11, he and his group were the ones who carved the totem pole and delivered it complete with prayers and blessings for all of the families especially the children who lost parents in the tragedy that fateful day.

 

We as a nation also were affected by the tragedy of September 11, as our entire tribal council who were divided in half, were on their way to the World Trade Center and also to the Pentagon as the tragedy happened.  Thankfully to the Creator he held them in the palm of his hand and kept them safe.  It was several days before we actually heard from them to know that they were not included in the lists of missing, and our entire tribe gathered at the Community Building to comfort the families and wait on news as to their whereabouts.  We have always had a great faith in the Creator and find peace in being thankful for the gifts and miracles that we have all experienced.  Living on a Native American reservation is not an easy task, but for many generations we have continued to survive and raise our families on land the government says is ours.  At one time our reservation encompassed the entire region from the Bellingham Bay to the top of Mount Baker.  Our tribe owns one of the last natural rainforests in North American as the keepers of the Arleco Ancient Forest region.  We also have a salmon hatchery where each year we release thousands of baby salmon into the rivers as they make their way on their three year journey across the pacific ocean to the shores of China and then return to the waters of the Nooksack river to spawn. 

 

Even though the government of the United States would like to have conquered us a century ago that is not the way that things happened.  We are a free people and even though we have learned all of the bad from the Indian Agents the government sent in the 1800's, we are starting to find our way out of the quagmyer and push ahead to a future that someday will be plentiful with our traditional values and culture.  I am a recognized bead artist for my people and display my wears at traditional gatherings and Pow Wows in the midwest  where I live, my family may be thousand of miles away but I am able to keep in contact with them and share good and bad news with them.  I was adopted or stolen when I was an infant and was raised by a non-Native famliy and educated in public school.  After graduation in 1971, I enlisted in the US Army and served my country until 1976.  So I am not only an honorable Native American woman, I am also a honorable Veteran/warrior and also live with my husband in the midwest as a disabled veteran. 

 

My interests today include discovering my land and the remarkable miracles on it and enjoying the peace and quiet of rural country life.  We had a small garden last summer and I learned how to can. We are trying to find alternative forms of energy to use on our land and enjoy just being on our own.  It has not been easy to grow up as a Native American and believe me prejudice and racism are alive and well in America.  I have found that most people see others for the outward appearances instead of recognizing the inner more realistic person. 

I am alone. I look into the mirror and see jus a corpse. No soul no life I look away quickly but the image is engraved in my head like carving on stone. what evil is this that i see? i ask myself over and over again. "it can't be me, i am alive and well'' i say the words over and over but believe not a word. "is this hell" i give up all hope and cryed. "what is to happen now" i say in a loud voice, to who i do not know. i ran into my room got into my bed and slept 4ever.