Our English class was assigned to write a summary of Homer's epic poem "The Odyssey." Mine was by far the best, as the majority of my class is a bunch of idiots. Here is my epic summary:
Twenty years after the Trojan War, Odysseus returned home. Upon his arrival to his beautiful island resort, he heard about the suitors that were trying to wed his wife. The goddess Athena knew that if he would be found out, the suitors would try to kill him. The goddess disguisses him as an old beggar.
During his twenty year absence, Penelope, his wife, was constantly shrouded with suitors and tax men. Finally she tires of their "suiting" and gives them and un passable test. Whoever can watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in one night without getting sleepy, can have her hand (and maybe her biscuits.) Just kidding. If any man could string her "late" husband's bow and shoot an arrow through twelve axe heads, they could go home with her.
When Odysseus arrives home on his island of residence he meets up with his homie, Telemakhos. Telemakhos and he are related. Through blood. "Big T" as he was called by his close friends, was Odysseus' ("O" Man) son. Together they plan on taking the house back. Their plan consists of: 1) locking the suitors' weapons up. 2) shooting them with arrows. 3) killing the remaining suitors with their own swords. 4) having the hookers clean up their mess. 5) killing the hookers. 6) taking the house back. 7) taking the wife and kids to Chuck E. Cheese, and maybe bowling if there's time.
Then Odysseus wanted to try the challenge set by his wife, but he was shunned by the nobles. THey called him a beggar, tramp and even once, a poop face. Finally, he got a break, Athena put Penelope into a coma and then pulled her feeding tube. Just kidding. She left the tube in, and the men met in the Great Hall. Odysseus was playing with his bow when he had a misfire. The arrow went through Antinoos's (A-Dogg) throat. He then began shooting the others. Soon there is nothing left but a bunch of dead corpses and a huge mess.
With the battle over, Odysseus was then faced with three problems: 1) there was no one to clean up the mess. 2) the hookers were still alive. 3) after his fifteenth year of absence his wife closed his checking account, so shw would have to pay for the party at Chuck E. Cheese. So to kill two birds with one stone (no pun intended) he had his little harlots clean the hall. After they were done, he cracked open his old piggy bank and treated them to Dairy Queen. Thinking they were off the hook, they began dancing. Odysseus being the prankster hw was, took them out back and told them he got a copy of the Kama Sutra and learned a neat little trick that involves a rope around the neck. After the rope was tied, Odysseus slowly raised them up so their body weight would kill them. Odysseus forgot, though, that while he was gone, they lost all self-esteem and quit eating. So he punched them in the face till they died.
With the suitors and prostitutes dead, O-Man was faced with one last challenge.His wife. Penelope, although amazed at this old man's victory over the younger onces, was a little skeptical about his identity. She then put him to another test. "So uh-where do you wanna sleep?" She asked. How bout in my bed?" "well I, uh, moved it." "That's impossible!" "How?" The post is a tree!" "It's you!!!" "I told you so." "I just wanted to make sure." "I love you." "I love you too." "Wanna make out?" "Let's go to Chuck E. Cheese." And they lived happily ever after...
There you have it, why I am the greatest writer in the world. At least in my class. Actually Shakespeare ain't got nothing on me. I hope you enjoyed it. Actually I know you did.
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