Caring @ MindSay

Last year I was almost dead set on becoming something in the medical career. I love watching medical shows (House) and especially medical documentaries (i.e. about OCD, conjoined twins, progeria, etc).

However, I've analyzed my life and realized with my laziness and lack of motivation for schoolwork, I cannot become anything in the medical career. Just because I am fascinated with the human body and different conditions, does not mean I am cut out to become a physician. It takes discipline, love of ALL people and able to control people when they are in hysterics/a mad fit of rage/etc, being able to work long hours, MANY years of school along with top marks, and not being grossed out by normal things.

 

When it comes to myself, I obviously lack discipline, I am not a fan of children (although I honestly love people...especially my friends. I care deeply about all of you...really, I do), I am lazy and therefore would not be able to work long hours, I do not want to be in school for too many more years (and again due to my laziness I have shit marks), and I get grossed out when I see someone bleeding in real life.

 

What it comes down to, is that last year, I thought I wanted to be in the medical career, but after realizing the above things, I changed my mind. I looked at my interests and decided that history would be much better suited to me, despite the fact it may be hard to find jobs here in T-BAY. I'm sure I will find something though. There are problems with every career path.

However, my main problem standing in my way is my laziness in school. I used to be a straight-A student, but after I went through a bad fit of depression a few years ago, I stopped caring, and stopped doing regular homework. As a result, today I am several weeks behind in all my courses, and brutally failing. I have very difficult courses (2 University courses and 2 advanced placement courses. Maths and Sciences, no doubt) and have dug my self a deep, deep hole in less than 2 months. I have no idea how I'm going to get from failing to above a 70% average before exams…especially with the fact that today I found out that only the first half my Calculus course counts towards my mark, meaning that I got to do extremely well on the last few assignments/quizzes/tests and the exam in order to get a passing mark. It will be hell, but it's something I got to do.

 

But now that I realize what I want to do in University, I'm asking myself "Why am I taking the extremely hard courses and not doing any work and failing when I could take easy courses, not do any work and pass?" It's obviously because last year I thought I was going into the medical career, but I really should have changed my semester around in September, and then I wouldn't be in this situation. And I wouldn't have to deal with the stuck up, rich, preppy kids either. They keep asking me "What is your mark, Kristal? What did you get on your test, Kristal?" etc etc. I always say, "I don't discuss marks." because it's really none of their business. This therefore poses the question "Why ask if you don't care?" (Hence the title of this blog.) Because really, they are not friends with me, I don't talk to them (and vice versa), and my mark has nothing to do with them. I believe they are asking in order to feel a sense of superiority against me. I don't know if they realize I'm failing (they prob. do) but really, they should be concerned about their own mark, not mine. I feel shitty enough for being selfish and not doing anything, I don't need them laughing at me along the way.

 

High school is bullshit. It's shit years in which the problems we face do not matter in the long run. Sure, things like pregnancies will affect those girls who get pregnant, but really, 90% of the people in my classes are caught up in the world of sports, student council meetings, drinking with friends and homework, and complain when a teacher they have tries to teach like a university professor to get them prepared for real life. It annoys me that they live in this protective little bubble of meaningless gossip, and unleash their "problems" unto other people.

 

I'm just glad that I got out of that group many years ago. I believe my friends really do understand the real world, and understand real problems. Of course we all bitch about our problems, but I really do think all my friends problems are true and really matter: they aren't about a basketball game, they are about illness, poverty and drug use. Of course we all worry about friends (myself included) but I believe in order to really be a high school student that's prepared for real life once they get out, we must know and experience bits of reality outside our shell. Of course, we all must enjoy friends: that's the fun! But we mustn’t be ignorant either.

 

I love you guys, truly and deeply. I'm so glad you face reality instead of ignore it. Don't ever lose that about you.

 

-Kristal St. Jean     

A strong person, in my mind isn't someone who merely doesn't care about things, quite the opposite - it's someone who is able to withstand a lot of intense feelings and still be standing at the end.

Simply not caring is a cop-out. It makes things easier by reducing what you have to face

I was thinking about volunteer work the other day. The fact that I enjoy helping others, and that it is also a requirement for the International Baccalaureate Programme, which I am in.

And the Salvation Army came to mind. Now, I know them to be a Christian based organization, but I thought I'd check out their website anyways, to see what all they do.

So I looked at their page online, and looked at all the wonderful things they do. I was thinking, well I would really like to be part of this. Then I looked further, to their mission statement and values, and it has "god" and "christian" every third word, practically. Now, I wonder why this is. Why is it so important that they be based on Christianity?

I don't have a problem with Christian organizations, only the wonder that they have to be based around only one religion! As if only Christians care about other people. As if you have to be religious to want to help make the world a better place.

Well I'm not, and I do! I am wondering, that if I ask to volunteer, they may not accept me because I am not Christian. Now I wouldn't want to pretend to be something I'm not, but I think this sounds like a really good cause and I would be willing to act Christian, to help out.

Do you think this should be necessary? Would they refuse my help because I am not a Christian? I believe in helping people, and the work they say they do, without religious belief.

I don't think someone has to be religious to care about the world, or to be a good person, or to want to do good things.

******

What do you think of the Salvation Army and their work?

Do you think it would be better if they weren't focused on one religion? Or even religion in general?

What do you think I should do?

I feel like a kid on Christmas morning!! I get to spend time with my love and any minute she'll be in my arms!!!

I've come to realize a few things once again...and I seem to be doing that a lot lately. There are quite a few things that keep bugging me, but at the same time I've come to know and believe a lot of other things.

 

First, I'll start by stating the not so good things, but I probably won't really explain them. I've come to terms with the fact that the bitch that robbed my house has never made me feel so scared, violated, and disgusting...all just by the single action of her going through my house and stealing a bunch of valuables. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that as time goes on--I'm not getting very good at trusting people, because it's not getting any easier. Sometimes, I still get nervous/anxious/sad for no reason, and then end up thinking about things too hard...which results in tears, or just a depressing mood (which right now doesn't last too long). I've become more of a "bitch" or in other words--I just don't care that much anymore for certain things, and I'm leaving them behind...but in other situations I've become more caring and loveable. There are a few others, but I don't feel like typing them.

 

On the other hand, there are many things I've come to face...but they're better. And these I will probably do a little more explaining on.

 

I kept my promise to Brad that we would still be friends. I told him we would continue to be friends...even if we weren't close. Turns out--we've only grown closer. He actually promised me last week that he'd still be around in ten years...and that he wants me to be happy--even if he's not the guy I end up waking up next to every morning.

 

With the help of Alan, Brad, Alex, and a few others--I'm starting to actually believe I'm beautiful, that I actually mean something, and that I deserve someone special who can treat me right. For so long, all I did was put myself down and I never believed in myself at all, and I'm still not good at taking compliments--but I'm getting better at that. I used to think I was ugly and so fat...that I didn't mean anything to anyone, and no one would care if I just left without a glance back...and that I didn't deserve anything good because I wasn't worth it, and nobody could love someone like me. With a lot of convincing, and finally getting rid of a bad egg in my group of friends--I'm finally starting to believe in myself, and I'm becoming more confident. I'm becoming a flirt, and more of a tease, too....but I don't mind that....cuz the way I see it--I can play with your heart if you play with mine, or we can just do casual flirting with nothing attatched.

 

I lost someone I considered a best friend for five years, but in the process I've gained more friends...a lot of happiness...and some confidence. I think she partially held me back, and I'm done letting people do that to me. I've lost one, become close with a few others, made new friends, and kept old ones...and I'm okay with that. Since losing her, everyone has noticed a newfound happiness--my mom actually made a comment at dinner a few nights ago.

 

I've also realized I'm completly done with caring what people think about me anymore...I don't know if that's a good or bad thing yet. I'm just sick of people holding me back...sick of caring and getting down on myself about something only a few people probably notice...and done caring and getting nothing in return. I know I'm a little young to be saying that...but sometimes I feel like I'm a grown-up stuck in an eighteen year old's body because I had to grow up fast, and I've been through stuff that some people haven't.

 

My friends have been there for me through so much, and I thank them all for that--because honestly, none of them had to stick around at all, and no one had to listen. I'm thankful I have them in my life.

 

I've got everything all figured out for my future...and all I have to do now is get there. I'm going to college to become a nurse...and if someone special comes along--I'll have to learn how to let them in, but I can work with that. New friends? I'm going to do that, too. Just give me time, and every simple detail will be figured out--all the pieces will be put into place.

 

Even though I don't believe in God....this song is one of them that are inspiring me right now... GOD LOVES UGLY by JORDIN SPARKS 

Andddd.....goodnight everyone, have a great day!!