Bulimia @ MindSay

^{You fuck 'em.}

^{Fuck 'em fuck 'em fuck 'em.}

^{That's exactly what you do.}

 

 

^{_{By the way, I've started to stick my middle finger down my throat as if to say FUCK YOU FOOD.}}

_{^{I'm not gonna be bulimic I'm just gonna be pretty, betch ;)}}

I have always been big boned. I have big muscles without doing anything for them. I have thick arms and thighs. They give me a brawny look, allowing my tummy to have a few extra inches without looking fat.

So I don’t really care about what I eat. I just eat. But through the last months, eating has been sort of an escape for unstable emotions or unavailable support. I lack the motivation to do exercise and honestly, I think my usually “normal” few extra pounds are growing too large.

Now I feel fat. And having a girlfriend who can eat a bull everyday, and still look like a top model, it doesn’t help me to feel better about myself.

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In the last days I have tried to make me throw up. But it doesn’t work. I just gag - no reflux. The only thing left to try is ipecac. But I don’t want to use it since I hate the feeling of being nauseous.

And I’m glad I not going bulimic. Binge eating followed by forced vomiting looks way too desperate and out of control.

I watched a documentary today about girls who went through anorexia nervosa. And there was this girl who explained: “At that time, my self-esteem was so low, that everything in my life was out of control. And deciding to starve, being able to control my impulse to eat, had a huge meaning to me. At last I had control over something in my life”

And I am feeling like that girl. I have some experience with starvation. I tried it in the past, and I know that it feels good. I want to try it again.

I know it won’t be easy: my girlfriend likes to control my meals, but I’ll try to skip as many meals as possible. I know it starts to feel better after the beginning. And the motivation, the self-esteem boost, the energy that I get, they’re well worth that discomfort in the stomach.

And I’ll hit it back on the abdominals and push-ups again. I want to do this. I need to do this. I CAN do this.

I think I want to ask for help. I don't really want to talk to my parents because I have a feeling they will just sufficate me and no one wants that. But I do want to get over somethings and move on with my life. I really feel like my problems with how a see myself and how I deal with it are hindering all the opportunities that I have. I constantly feel like I won't ever acheive at anything, so why bother? I think thats where the binging comes in.."I won't ver look good, so why not eat whatever the hell I want?" and then I feel guilty about it.

I was a awful compulsive-eater until I was probably 16. I've really managed to control it now and I believe that's why I'm not 183 lbs anymore. Although I never kicked the mentality of eating = bad, thus purge. I'm sitting here, right now, eating some whole grain rice and I'm already anticipating when its going into my toilet. I've only thrown up one meal today. Yeasterday I threw up three different times and proceded to consume an assortment of alcoholic beverages. Not that getting drunk had anything to do with it other than hard liquer just makes me feel good about myself.

Anyway, back to the point. I don't want to feel the way I've been feeling for the past decade. After sitting and thinking about it yeasterday (gotta love days off of work. plenty of time to wallow) I went through some of my old journals just to get an idea of what I was like. The first entry I ever wrote about purging was on January 2nd, 2001. I was 11 years old and I wrote that my parents found out a few months before that I was bulimic and were sending my to a psychologist. I wrote about how my parents just don't understand how I felt.

I came across another entry where I called myself a fat ass. And pages of food logs and calorie counts. Countless journal entries about how I hated myself and needed to lose weight to feel good. I realized that I have not changed my mindset at all. I'm a nineteen year old woman and I still despise myself like the little eleven year old me did.

If I haven't fixed this myself in the last 8 years, then I might need help. But am I ready? I need to makes myself ready and I just need to do it before my teeth start rotting away and my heart becomes weak. I'm just so terrified of gaining weight. I am absolutely horrified of it. I really feel like I've come a long way and I'm proud of myself to an extent. Do I want to lose more weight? absolutely.

Lately I've just been obsessing over it. I've been reading nutrition material, working out 3-4 times a week, trying to eat healthy..I'm trying so hard to do it the honest, healthy way but its so difficult when I think "well, I can eat that and just get rid of it." I don't purge to lose weight, I do it to not gain weight. i know I won't lose weight by doing that. I never have.

A guy friend of mine with whom I've recently shared the tip of the iceberg that is my issue-filled life tries to be so sweet and make me feel better. I'll say a girl is pretty and he'll come back with "no. way too thin." He's making an attempt to make me feel better about myself and he really tries but thats not going to change me. I don't know what will, but I want to find out. I've actually been crying about it lately. I fucking HATE crying, but I just feel so lost.

So I've been doing this blog thing on and off since I was around 13 years old. Now I think it's about time I do something to actually help myself out and maybe a few others on the way.

Before I dive into my purpose of this I want to just state a couple things. First off, I'm not using my real identity. I have a few reasons for that. Also I am really going to encourage comments and feedback of any type. I want to hear what people have to say, good or bad. All I ask is that if you do leave a comment, please be intelligent about it and respectful. I don't expect a lot. I know the entire world isn't going to read about my struggles, but the few who might, I want it to be worth something.

 

Okay. Now about me. It's always so difficult to begin.

I'm a nineteen year old girl from the midwest. I've lived here all my life. I've grown up with an older brother and great parents. I was never under-privilaged, however I've always known that I have to work for what I want. I can't think of one thing that went horrible wrong in my childhood. I was never really picked on in school. I was a straight A student all through high school and always involved with sports and music. I've always had a steady job since I have been able. I'm very close to my brother and both of my parents. I've been given every opportunity in the world to do anything with my like. Now I am half way done with my fourth semester in college and trying to figure out my next move.

I need to move on with my life after this semester and for some reason I can't. I've been racking my mind for months trying to find an answer to why I can't get my shit together and I think I found out what is holding my back.

I don't really like myself all that much. I don't remember the last time i was completely okay with the person I am. Here's where I begin to sound vain. I'm not comfortable with my body, infact, I hate my body. I feel flabby and chunky and pudgy. And I have always had that feeling about myself.

Sixth grade was when I really, I mean really, starting to feel bad about myself. At the time I was in a school with a kids who were upper class and all skinny. And all these twelve year olds KNEW they were skinny, cute, and rich. But damn were they bitches. Sixth grade was when I started throwing up after I ate. I don't remember the first time I did it or how I got the idea. I remember throwing up in the school lunchroom bathroom and at home. I remember getting about with it for a couple months before I slipped up and my parents caught on. They sent me to talk to someone so I did and got nothing out of it. I loved talking to my psychologist, but I did not gain, learn, or realize anything from the experience.

Sometime went on and I was okay and my parents were okay. (to this day I don't even know if my brother knows). And then I started despising myself again. Its wasn't any unusual junior high self-loathing, but because I previous problems I slipped right back into old habits.

In a nutshell, I've been bulimic on and off for the last seven years and I want to share with you what I am battling. I think by doing this I will somehow get an understanding of what I need to do to care about a take care of myself. Because, man, I need to get on with my like and I feel like this is not only holding me back, but holding my in a tight, dark cornor of a world I don't want to be in. This isn't a cry for help. This is my reflection. 

Well it's been a long time coming.... I recently revealed to my Husband that I was bulimic. I couldn't dare face the fact of speaking it so I wrote a letter. He was very understanding about the situation and went to Barnes and Nobles and got all of these books. I haven't read any of them b/c I don't have the time. Now here's the hard part..... Ever since I told him, to me it seems as if he don't trust me. Everyday he call and ask me "what did you eat today, did you consume 3 square meals". Anyone with bulimia know hard hard it is to eat 3 square meals. In 2006 I went from 187 lbs. to 150lbs in only a coulple of months and it was so obvious that I had to make up a lie and tell everyone I was on the special K diet and of course they fell for it. Last year i kind of stoped and gained a little weight back. So now I'm struggling with my weight and my bulimia. I feed my self these lies like it's ok everyone does it but at the same time I try to have control so I dont loose so much weight like I did in 2006. Tonight really put a cherry on top. Me and my husband went to dinner. After i ate my food i got up and went to the bathroom. You all no what happened but when my husband asked me I told him no. He already had that look in his eyes as he knew what I had done. I lied b/c I didn't feel like fussing but then he got even more mad b/c I didn't tell him the truth. At that point I swear I just wanted to run away b/c I was feeling overwhelmed. Only one of my friends and 1 family member besides my husband who know so it's like I have no one to talk too and no one to turn to. I would love to open up but they wont understand me b/c they never been in this situation. Guys I really need help b/c I feel like I'm at my wits end. I put on this front every day like I'm the happiest person in the world but when I come inside I feel like the world is coming to and end. I need advice guys !!!!!!