Broken Heart @ MindSay

Its okay to have an opinion but why does everyone bother with trying to convince others the their opinions are the right ones? Take religion.. I really started not caring wether there was a god or wether there wasn't, the only reason I hope there is one is because I'm hoping there is a different meaning to my life then to just die and decompose. But at the same time I refuse to look up and convince myself that there's a god. Nothing has ever happened to me to make me think that "oh hey.. you know, there must be a god.". I just get tired of people telling me and pushing me into believing what I dont care to believe.

 

People do that down to the smallest things

 

"do you want tea"

"no,"

"oh.. why not?"

"I don't like tea"

"oh.. but you must like tea..try this kind"

"no thanks"

"but its got lots of sugar, its good."

"No thanks, I dont want any god damned tea"

 

Stop pushing me. I'll hate what I hate.

 

I met this mormon kid, hes so irritating.. everything he says has to do with his religion, he wrote me a note once and he quoted the book of mormon twice. I have nothing against mormons but personally, I wont be joing that religion any time soon.

 

I'm also starting to hate this whole thing where every girl is obsessed with emo creatures that talk about geting their heart ripped out

 

 

my friend has this on her binder

 

 

 

 

these hurt me inside... why do people want these? Not to mention most of the people that like these have never had their heart broken. They're just teenagers who think that it "desribes their feelings" you dont see adult walking around with that shit on their pages. My friend amanda pisses me off with this shit.

 

For all of you out there that have been betrayed, lied too, and utterly surpirsed with divorce; I am so sorry.  It stinks, and life goes on.  You will meet a person that deserves your love and generousity that is a true partner, and you will be able to pick better.  It is not the pain the of the love affair, it is the pain of the lies and lack of respect or trust--that is a much more damaging wound.

 

Why is it that some people put themselves between a rock and a hard place? Then when they feel the pressure and full consequences of their decisions, they want to divert the pain, suffering, and blame to another?  Some need to constanty beat others up or put them down in order to feel any self worth. 

Some people believe the rest of the world is too stupid to add up the facts.  Well, they are not.  People came to me and asked my perspective because they had already come to their own conclusions.  They KNEW.  Many KNEW before me...

 

I asked for NONE of this info.  Friends thought it was important for me to know the truth.

 

Guess what?  My poo stinks, and cheaters and liar poop is even stinkier!  Do I have issues, heck yah!  Do I do my best to act with curtesy and grace, heck yah!  Am I always successful, probably not...Am I a private person, heck no!  I am as WYSIWYG as it comes, and bless my mother for that.  The fruit falls close to the tree.

 

Face the music sweethearts, cause eventually the truth comes out and we all gotta dance.  I'm ready to boogie because I am proud of my behavior and who I am. 

 

Here's a dose of reality as I see it.  Some may attest it might be warped.  But my shrink and therapist seem to think that I am right on the ball.  The fact I have a shrink and a therapist may leave some wondering, keep wondering and reading my blog....perhaps I'll share more on that topic another day.

 

Anyway despite my issues....I didn't screw my spouses' bestfriend.  I didn't leave the man I love and devoted to for another that makes more money and seems "classier."  BTW, stealing your bestfriends' wife ain't classy... nor is leaving your hubby and jumping into the arms of his good friend--not a very good friend if you ask me... but who am i?... the ousted x... I may be ousted... that doesn't change what they did...

i patiently waited months for my side of the story, and now that everyone knows, they can understand why I might be a little upset....

 

(If he'll do with you, he'll do it to you... someday ask about the one he left me for... he lost a house in that one... wonder why he sugested I sign a quit claim?) 

 

I didn't think signing the quit claim mattered because he told me I was his soul mate, wrote me amazing love letters, and told me we would be together forever and have babies.  We know how that turned out--don't we.  Ahhhh to be young and naive.... LADIES... NEVER...EVER... sign a prenup or a quit claim...

 

I'm not perfect, and I'm hurt too, and I didn't run to the arms of my husbands' good friend for consolation.  So Madame X has no right to send me harrassing text messages about slander when there are no names, and her comment, "divorce hurts."  OH PLEASE!  "Divorce hurts... yah think!?!? WTF? ... I've been living it for 9 months on top of betrayal, lying, and a narcisstic wound that she may be better than me... which we know is impossible at this point....

 

Although it is not about better or worse... just different.... they are going through a difficult time, and they are making these choices because they believe it is best for them, and it very well maybe... not for me to judge....

If they didn't want people to know, they shouldn't have done it.  Did they think everyone was stupid.  EVERYONE figured out about OREGON.  Oh people--please!  They are just too polite to say.   They didn't have to talk to me or read my blog to figure it out.  They came and told me....

 

Plus my blog is a mode of therapy.  We know I can use some of that!  OR at least that's how the story goes, many have told me.

 

Instead of running into the arms of my lover... because he kicked me out of our home.  I went to a dog rescue and lived in a small room that smelled that urine because my husband refused any access to our accounts while she was sleeping in my home, in my bed, leaving condoms on the floor for my beloved dog to choke on.  At the time, I prayed daily for what my beloved was going through hoping we would make ammends.  Also, please note the people I stayed with are AMAZING, kind, and generous.  Having all those rescue dogs as therapy and daily running on the farm was the BEST medicine for a wounded heart and betrayed spirit.

Anyway, Madame X better stop texting me harrasing garbage.  She's got the man I thought was my soul mate, what more does she want?  I've had it!

 

Actions speak louder than words baby! These words are pretty powerful, and some actions even more.  Madame X needs to stop reading my blog, stop stalking me, and move on with her life.  You think divorce hurts!  She's got my husbands' heart, she fed him in front of me around a campfire on our 6th anniversary.  Yeah, divorce hurts.  There's one dead tree at Salt Point that can attest to that.

 

Just leave me alone to settle business, let me lick my wounds, and let me heal... she can go cry in the arms of my husband, in my home, with my dogs on her lap... in the bed we bought together and made passionate love on.... she made her bed, she can lie in it... yeah, i would say divorce hurts... he's all hers...good good luck & good riddance... why the heck would i want him

 

P.S: They've talked about spawning little babie's.... yah good luck with that... who's going to change the diapers... apparently they're both immune to shit...

 

As much as I wish these were uncommon events in our culture.  They are not.  So many have shared tehir own stories of pain and anguish.  I am so sorry.  Perhaps our culture needs to rethink the laws of "monogamy" and "marriage."  I just don't know anymore, and have a ton to think about.  Happily ever after only exists in Hollywood, trust love and devotion take WORK.  May the two of them learn how to WORK on their problems and have a happy lives.  They have a lot of WORK to do and a little relationship counseling in the beginning would probably be a good proactive step for them since they are beginning with a seed of mistrust and doubt in their hearts.  May they enjoy there lives together, and leave me alone... divorce is simply business and a legal transaction at this point.... 

 

Forgiveness is not for the other person.... it is for you to find in your heart to move forward... daily i say a prayer of forgiveness for both of them... today i think i will be praying extra hard, somewhere between that rock and a hard place...

I remember the day we met, my life changed

Nothing was ever the same, just rearranged

I fell in love with you

There was nothing I could do

You pushed me away from the start

U gave me a broken heart

I've kissed you, and I've held you in my arms

I never want you to come to any harm

Give me back my heart, so I can begin again

This is not the end of our story, I'm just waiting for a new chapter to begin

I'm over here waiting for you to jump and take my hand

I think it's finally time I take a stand

A lot has happened this week yet I have gotten very little of the productive nature done. First off I don't like Jack Johnson any more because I think he was a talented songwriter who has sold his creative soul to the commercial world. That being said I heard a song of his today that I liked when it was new and now has a new application in my life. The parts that got me were:

"But Lord knows that this world is cruel and I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
learning loving somebody don't make them love you" Can I get an "Amen" brothers?
"But Lord knows that I'm not you and if I was I wouldn't be so cruel cause waiting on love ain't easy to do
must I always be waiting on you must I always be playing your fool"

Everyone is always asking me, "So why aren't you and Ethan together?" and in my mind I say with bitter sarcasm, 'Because he's gay' but out loud I brush it off with, "... Oh... I don't know... we're just such good friends and who wants to mess with that... right?" When we work together we're just constantly going back and forth and customers say things like, "You guys are too cute." "How long have you been together?" "You're just like an old married couple. " etc etc etc ad nausea. I do love that most of these comments are directed at Ethan because I am generally pacing from end to end doing something and he's handing them their stuff.

So, Thanksgiving couldn't have sucked more. I bought all the stuff to do dinner and invited Anne’s boyfriend and everything and she ditched me basically. So I went out to my friends place in the country and we cooked her turkey, talked, drank, watched scary movies just like the pilgrims did. So I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been but I did cry about it (perhaps my therapist would be happy to hear that?). It's just that it seems like all the people who I want to be there for me or the people who are 'supposed' to be there for me never are but I'm always there for them.

I mean the day Ethan told me that thing I called Steph so that I could sort of sort it out in my mind because I just needed someone to talk to and she is supposed to be my oldest closest friend. She didn't answer and she kept sending me texts saying we'll talk soon or that she couldn't talk today because of this or that. Then Thursday she said she'd call me Friday.... Friday has come and gone and when it got really late I finally called her and no answer. I patiently listen to her when she calls to hash things out because I care. I give her advice and help her define what she thinks and feels about it (I don't tell her what to do I just help her sort out the mess by asking questions and such). By the time we get off the phone she feels better about herself and her decisions, she usually has something to work on or some new goal, tool, or perspective by the time we hang up. I just wanted someone to do that for me and I can't talk to anyone around here about it.

What I need to do is give it all to God. I need a prayer life- then my life will start to feel more like it's supposed to or even more like it used to. I know this but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how prayer became what it is to me. I feel like I'm talking to myself and I can't think of much to say. This is so frustrating because I KNOW God is listening, I know he hears my prayers, and I know it doesn't matter so much what I say but that I commune with HIM. I don't have to form words so much as open my heart. This is my problem I guess, this whole "heart" thing.

I think mine is broken.

Here's another song reference: M. Wards "Chinese Translation"

What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long

I've become so... "christian" with a little c. "give it to god" that used to mean something to me. See the thing is you can set your issues in the hands of God, trusting him with your life, essentially, and then bit by bit take parts of it back thinking, "Oh, well I can handle this bit, but thanks for holding on to it for me." Do you know what happens to the bits in my hands? I lose them, I break them, I forget where I put them (but they're somewhere safe I'm sure). The baffling thing is how cold my heart can become even knowing what I know, believing what I believe. I'd rather blog than pray because I don't feel silly when I blog. I used to have a peace now I'm numb and I'm trying to call it peace.

What is it about music that taps so deeply. Whenever I'm trying to talk about how I feel about things Lyrics always pop up. I'm like naturally "Comfortably Numb" but something that's not explicitly said in that song but does seem to be implied is that that is a condition that will tear you apart. You can't stay that way, it's no way to live.

As a side note can I just say I hate eating anymore. I have been overweight my whole life food had always been a comfort for me, making it was therapeutic [because it was often with my mom], eating it was always with people and it was fun and yummy. Now sometimes I binge on processed stuff which I always feel guilty about eating whether it's it normal portions or not. Cooking is such a chore and then no one is going to eat what I make just me. It's like everything I eat or do anything involving the chore of food prep I'm reminded that I'm alone. I have no family, I have no one to share with on a daily basis. Right now my stomach hurts because I haven't eaten since early yesterday. I only eat to make the hunger stop or out of boredom. My friend Amber and I used to get together and make dinner a couple times a week. That was a lot of fun. We had a theme of Mediterranean or vegetarian foods. We don't do that anymore because now she has a boyfriend and I don't even remember when I saw her last. She's become one of those, "Oh we really should get together some time" friends. What's left of Ethans birthday cake is still in the freezer. It's like a corpse. I open t e freezer, I see it, but I try to ignore it because if I acknowledge it it's like admitting I killed it. I made two of those be cause I needed a practice one. I didn't want to screw it up. I should see how putting a little vodka or whiskey in brownies and then freezing them works out because those things were SO hard.

So I got a great psychological trick from a commercial and it really works- maybe not as simply as it does on TV but it works. Last Saturday Ethan and I found a shop where we picked out his first pipe. It was a lot of fun honestly. We were going through all these styles... I like this one... I don't like that one... this ones funny looking... that one's cool. I found the one I wanted him to get and I showed it to him he said he thought it was all right and set it down and talked about another one. So I picked up the one he had shown the most interest in to that point and said positive things about it... there it went in the dismissed pile. The one I liked had a flat bottom I picked up one with a round one and talked about the round bottom ones... 'Oh I think I like the flat bottom ones..." he says...I systematically went through finding and complimenting the opposite of the one I wanted him to get and finally he picks up mine and says, "You know come to think of it I kind of really like this one... yeah I think I'm going to get this one." "Ok" I say "If that's the one you like." sounding reserved and unsure. He thinks he came to that decision all on his own through a reasonable of process of elimination when really he probably would have been equally happy with any of the pipes in the basket. We then got a lesson on how to pack a pipe from a big black man called "Poochie" We also picked out a tobacco, which ended up being Poochies personal blend. Which I also influenced by saying it was too pungent and that he should get the Rum one when really I like Poochies because it smells like a camp fire mixed with the smell of my great grandpas cigars, two smoky smells that I absolutely love. Hey I'm thinking positively about the future, chances are he's going to smoke that thing for the rest of his life- I'm not happy about it but if I want to marry him I should at least make sure he smokes something I wouldn't mind smelling.

(If you've read my previous posts, you know that this is how I feel about A, though I suppose it could be for S as well...)

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses, roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part