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I'm not okay and he's still not mine
"I wont miss your arms around me, holding me tight."
"I wish I could scream out loud, that I love you. I wish I could say to you, don't go..."
And I know that no one has understood this yet. Why it hurts so much, why I can't believe in love. Why I can't trust my feelings any more. Because they say I will love again. Well, I might feel love again. But nothing has felt that right. And it hurts that anyone assumes they know what it's like if they're telling me to get over it.
Everything just feels like a lie. Without him, it feels wrong. I feel like I'm betraying him. Even though he's not mine, he still feels like mine. And I've been in love many times.
And of course, whenever it's over before you want it to be, you feel sad, and it doesn't feel right. But this time...
You just can't believe how right it felt, and still feels. Such a strong comfort, that we made love the second night after meeting. And it wasn't passionate, it wasn't in any heat of a moment...
It was gentle, and comfortable, and slow, and romantic. It was the most right thing I ever felt, being so close to him. Love has felt good, but nothing has ever felt this right.
And part of me still believes that we met for a reason. That we made love, and it meant something. And that maybe right now isn't the time, but that we'll find each other again, and will be together. I know... it sounds so silly. And my skeptism and pessimism says that's ridiculous. But I can't shake that belief. It felt too right to be wrong.
No one ever made me so happy. Nothing's ever made me hurt so much...
Now I think about ways to kill myself, every day. There's a window that could be so easy. I have pills, but it might not be guaranteed. There's trucks, but I might not die, either. I figure the window is the easiest and most certain... I almost did one night. But I texted my friend and he made me stay with him.
I just don't believe in love. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but there's been no reason for this. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't treat him badly, he said it had nothing to do with me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I know bad things happen, but what am I to learn from this? Besides not to believe. To never trust my feelings again.
If you have any comments about you having gone through this and you got over it, you can shove it. : D
"I wish I could scream out loud, that I love you. I wish I could say to you, don't go..."
And I know that no one has understood this yet. Why it hurts so much, why I can't believe in love. Why I can't trust my feelings any more. Because they say I will love again. Well, I might feel love again. But nothing has felt that right. And it hurts that anyone assumes they know what it's like if they're telling me to get over it.
Everything just feels like a lie. Without him, it feels wrong. I feel like I'm betraying him. Even though he's not mine, he still feels like mine. And I've been in love many times.
And of course, whenever it's over before you want it to be, you feel sad, and it doesn't feel right. But this time...
You just can't believe how right it felt, and still feels. Such a strong comfort, that we made love the second night after meeting. And it wasn't passionate, it wasn't in any heat of a moment...
It was gentle, and comfortable, and slow, and romantic. It was the most right thing I ever felt, being so close to him. Love has felt good, but nothing has ever felt this right.
And part of me still believes that we met for a reason. That we made love, and it meant something. And that maybe right now isn't the time, but that we'll find each other again, and will be together. I know... it sounds so silly. And my skeptism and pessimism says that's ridiculous. But I can't shake that belief. It felt too right to be wrong.
No one ever made me so happy. Nothing's ever made me hurt so much...
Now I think about ways to kill myself, every day. There's a window that could be so easy. I have pills, but it might not be guaranteed. There's trucks, but I might not die, either. I figure the window is the easiest and most certain... I almost did one night. But I texted my friend and he made me stay with him.
I just don't believe in love. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but there's been no reason for this. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't treat him badly, he said it had nothing to do with me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I know bad things happen, but what am I to learn from this? Besides not to believe. To never trust my feelings again.
If you have any comments about you having gone through this and you got over it, you can shove it. : D
Laptop and car troubles
Kitsune no Tora
Drinking: Coke
Thinking about: fanfic
Listening to: Gackt
Needs to do: Call for an appointment for an oil change and checkup for my car
Is annoyed by: my laptop
Kitsune no Tora is feeling: relatively good
The adapter for my laptop came in today. :D I was super excited, because that meant I didn't have to share the desktop with my brother anymore - my old adapter completely quit working last week. Turns out, it's about 2/3 of the length of my original adapter, so it doesn't stretch as far, and the short wasn't just in the old adapter - there must be a short in the computer itself. Which explains why it can't completely boot up just on battery power, even if the battery is completely charged. ;_; It makes me sad, because having it think it's being repeatedly unplugged and plugged back in in quick succession is NOT good for the computer at all. The problem is already responsible for two blue screens. The jack also doesn't fit in it completely, which isn't good.
I guess that's what I get for getting an off brand, but it was $20 less and promised it was the same (I checked everything on the old one and they all matched) so that's what I got. :/
I also got another technology-based disappointment last night. I was rifling through the paper, and found a Best Buy ad. Right on the front of it there was a laptop that had twice the amount of memory and RAM as my current computer, for less than what I paid for, and it has a webcam and microphone. ;_; /emo corner WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT. But I cannot has - it would be pointless to buy a new computer while mine is in perfectly useable working order. I also saw another VERY SEXY laptop with about 3 times the memory and 4 times the RAM as my current one, but it was about $1200, so that's WAAAAY out of my reach. XD;
I also have to factor in the fact that the service engine soon light came on in my car yesterday. :/ So I might have car repairs in my near future to pay for. I know it needs an oil change, so my mom and I are hoping that the light will go off with one, but if it doesn't we'll have to find out what's wrong, which might be expensive. It's old and rusty and not worth fixing if the problem is serious, but I need a car (mostly for school next year), and I don't have the money to buy a new one, even if it's used and old like my current one. We'll have to see. My mom and I are going to go get it done tomorrow, hopefully.
Of course, this definitely means that while I only have access to this car, there is NO WAY I'm going to be able to visit Taylor, Mima, or Shadow this summer, like I was planning on doing. :( I had plot a course and decided on a date - August 17th - but that looks impossible now. I'm not driving 9 hours to an unknown place and risking my car breaking down and stranding me somewhere. It's just not a good idea, and I doubt my mom would give permission now that my car is starting to act up. And I can't borrow someone's car - what if something happened? I would be in trouble, and so would they.
Maybe next summer. The way things are going with this one, I expect I will either have a different car or none at all by that time. I still REALLY want to meet everyone (especially kaifu), but it's not going to happen this summer, sadly. :/
I'm slightly behind on Duplicity. I had decided that I wanted to update every week, and I've been following that relatively well with the first two chapters, but the issues with my laptop (and the fact that I hate the desktop's keyboard and couldn't brainstorm on it because I was uncomfortable) and my small block slowed me down. Considering that I've been technically working on this chapter for about 3 weeks, I SHOULD be done by now, but I'm not. ^^; But now that I finally have my laptop back, I just don't have the urge to write for whatever reason. :( Hell, I'm writing this instead of working, currently. XD (Ignore the fact that kaifu was bugging me to update it anyway. :P)
This chapter has the wedding scene, which I am currently stuck on for whatever reason. I just hate how Ray's internal monologue is going, and trying to add in little things between him and Max during the ceremony is not working well for whatever reason. :( I might have to re-write it as I type it up, I've been writing in a notebook while my laptop was incapacitated. Plus, I'm not entirely sure what to do after the wedding itself - I had an idea, but I don't think it's a very good one (although it's fun), but it would be more appropriate if there was something between it and the ceremony. And after it and the next big scene. But I just don't know WHAT. All those in-between things ALWAYS seem to trip me up, I hate that. :/
My aunt is leaving tomorrow morning. She has been here for about two weeks - she's visiting from Colorado like she does every summer. Right now my mom and her are running around trying to figure out snacks for her to take on the plane back, since it's a pretty long flight. Her visiting isn't all that big to me - she always comes here with the same stories, saying all the same things. Every. Year. Is. The. Same. It gets old after a while, you know. :P So I haven't really been paying much attention to her. I'm pretty sure it's pissing my mom off a little bit, but really, why should I be interested if she says all the same things all the time? And she's always smoking and drinking outside - while I don't mind the drinking so much, I don't like sitting outside and I hate the smoking. It seems innately attracted to me for whatever reason. D:
Apparently my hand tastes nice. Squirt just attacked it, pinned it underneath himself, and started licking me and purring. XD; Silly. :P
...AND I have nothing else to say. XP Night, digital abyss~
Drinking: Coke
Thinking about: fanfic
Listening to: Gackt
Needs to do: Call for an appointment for an oil change and checkup for my car
Is annoyed by: my laptop
Kitsune no Tora is feeling: relatively good
The adapter for my laptop came in today. :D I was super excited, because that meant I didn't have to share the desktop with my brother anymore - my old adapter completely quit working last week. Turns out, it's about 2/3 of the length of my original adapter, so it doesn't stretch as far, and the short wasn't just in the old adapter - there must be a short in the computer itself. Which explains why it can't completely boot up just on battery power, even if the battery is completely charged. ;_; It makes me sad, because having it think it's being repeatedly unplugged and plugged back in in quick succession is NOT good for the computer at all. The problem is already responsible for two blue screens. The jack also doesn't fit in it completely, which isn't good.
I guess that's what I get for getting an off brand, but it was $20 less and promised it was the same (I checked everything on the old one and they all matched) so that's what I got. :/
I also got another technology-based disappointment last night. I was rifling through the paper, and found a Best Buy ad. Right on the front of it there was a laptop that had twice the amount of memory and RAM as my current computer, for less than what I paid for, and it has a webcam and microphone. ;_; /emo corner WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT. But I cannot has - it would be pointless to buy a new computer while mine is in perfectly useable working order. I also saw another VERY SEXY laptop with about 3 times the memory and 4 times the RAM as my current one, but it was about $1200, so that's WAAAAY out of my reach. XD;
I also have to factor in the fact that the service engine soon light came on in my car yesterday. :/ So I might have car repairs in my near future to pay for. I know it needs an oil change, so my mom and I are hoping that the light will go off with one, but if it doesn't we'll have to find out what's wrong, which might be expensive. It's old and rusty and not worth fixing if the problem is serious, but I need a car (mostly for school next year), and I don't have the money to buy a new one, even if it's used and old like my current one. We'll have to see. My mom and I are going to go get it done tomorrow, hopefully.
Of course, this definitely means that while I only have access to this car, there is NO WAY I'm going to be able to visit Taylor, Mima, or Shadow this summer, like I was planning on doing. :( I had plot a course and decided on a date - August 17th - but that looks impossible now. I'm not driving 9 hours to an unknown place and risking my car breaking down and stranding me somewhere. It's just not a good idea, and I doubt my mom would give permission now that my car is starting to act up. And I can't borrow someone's car - what if something happened? I would be in trouble, and so would they.
Maybe next summer. The way things are going with this one, I expect I will either have a different car or none at all by that time. I still REALLY want to meet everyone (especially kaifu), but it's not going to happen this summer, sadly. :/
I'm slightly behind on Duplicity. I had decided that I wanted to update every week, and I've been following that relatively well with the first two chapters, but the issues with my laptop (and the fact that I hate the desktop's keyboard and couldn't brainstorm on it because I was uncomfortable) and my small block slowed me down. Considering that I've been technically working on this chapter for about 3 weeks, I SHOULD be done by now, but I'm not. ^^; But now that I finally have my laptop back, I just don't have the urge to write for whatever reason. :( Hell, I'm writing this instead of working, currently. XD (Ignore the fact that kaifu was bugging me to update it anyway. :P)
This chapter has the wedding scene, which I am currently stuck on for whatever reason. I just hate how Ray's internal monologue is going, and trying to add in little things between him and Max during the ceremony is not working well for whatever reason. :( I might have to re-write it as I type it up, I've been writing in a notebook while my laptop was incapacitated. Plus, I'm not entirely sure what to do after the wedding itself - I had an idea, but I don't think it's a very good one (although it's fun), but it would be more appropriate if there was something between it and the ceremony. And after it and the next big scene. But I just don't know WHAT. All those in-between things ALWAYS seem to trip me up, I hate that. :/
My aunt is leaving tomorrow morning. She has been here for about two weeks - she's visiting from Colorado like she does every summer. Right now my mom and her are running around trying to figure out snacks for her to take on the plane back, since it's a pretty long flight. Her visiting isn't all that big to me - she always comes here with the same stories, saying all the same things. Every. Year. Is. The. Same. It gets old after a while, you know. :P So I haven't really been paying much attention to her. I'm pretty sure it's pissing my mom off a little bit, but really, why should I be interested if she says all the same things all the time? And she's always smoking and drinking outside - while I don't mind the drinking so much, I don't like sitting outside and I hate the smoking. It seems innately attracted to me for whatever reason. D:
Apparently my hand tastes nice. Squirt just attacked it, pinned it underneath himself, and started licking me and purring. XD; Silly. :P
...AND I have nothing else to say. XP Night, digital abyss~
Broken
i am too broken to be in a relationship..
i now realise i am pushing you away because i am broken..
i wish i could do something about it.
i cant..
i love you..
you used to love me..
but i am pushing you away..
i cant help it..
i cant help it..
i am broken..
i can see the scars on the outside..
its hidden..
i now realise i am pushing you away because i am broken..
i wish i could do something about it.
i cant..
i love you..
you used to love me..
but i am pushing you away..
i cant help it..
i cant help it..
i am broken..
i can see the scars on the outside..
its hidden..
Just another quick thing.
Even though I may be torn,
Shattered, broken to pieces,
And I may think I may never crawl out of this pain...
Little do you know that I have the strength to fight against it.
In the long run, I will defeat and demolish. I will bring an end to all this suffering.
So go ahead. Try again.
Shattered, broken to pieces,
And I may think I may never crawl out of this pain...
Little do you know that I have the strength to fight against it.
In the long run, I will defeat and demolish. I will bring an end to all this suffering.
So go ahead. Try again.
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