Breathe In @ MindSay

Puffy and swollen eyes later, a stomache full of crabs and a glass of wine or two I can at least breathe when I thought I lost my breathe for good. I don't know why I do the things I do, I just do. Today was supposed to be rest day, I took off I was supposed to chill and just be, but nope I can't do that. Instead of finishing up in the yard or playing with the kids I decided to drop off a window screen Nina Simone shredded last year. I put the screen in the back of the car and headed off to the post office. Today was the first day it had not rain in over a week, a little in the low 70s but I love that temp. I breathed in the air and just as I was about to leave something said "yo let the top down" Can you recall the sound you heard the first time you broke a bone or the loud beating of your heart during your first kiss? Thats what the damn glass sounded like as everything fell apart. I screamed and the tears came along with the snott and why me and you gotta be freekin kidden me.

Hours later I can once again try to be grateful that it is just a window. I can try to be grateful that it will just be 499.00. I can be grateful that I have my car and as annoying and painful as this has been I will come through and out. Only God knows how much I was hurting today, lonely and wishing I had that "him" to hod and kiss away the hurt. Only God knows what my tomorrow will be but if nothing else he has to have something greater planned than both my today and yesterday.

It stinks but yes I am grateful.

  I had a very rough day Thursday. I'm not going to go into it all online. I just wanted everyone to understand why I'm posting this. This is exactly how I felt after having a conversation I never expected to have. I thought of all the people I knew family would be the ones I was safe with. In the end they were the ones to hurt me the most.

   This song is for Jennifer. All she will ever see when she looks at me is the Noelle that lives in the mirror.

Breathe No More

by

Evanescence

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe now...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.

 I don't know how I get myself into these things!

 I am self appointed organizer of Bennie's birthday bash tonight, while simultaneously having to prepare dinner for three, unpack (just got back from Nagasaki), do laundry, get ready for work (which will undoubtedly go over 13 hours), go shopping, finish up my schoolwork, and whatnot!! Ok, I'm fine... just breathe in, breathe out.... Aaaaaaaagh!