Breakups @ MindSay

Dear feverbrain,

I've grown rather attached to you over the last few days. We've gone to classes together, and you've convinced me that gunmen were lurking behind the shelves in the library. Every time I've tried to do homework, you've turned it into a joyous exercise in nonsense and helicopters. We watched Mamma Mia and I decided to move to Greece. And there's no paper that can be written without your enthusiastic (but flimsily supported) tangents coming to hijack the entire course of my thesis.

But, feverbrain, I have a life now. I have a job, and meetings with teachers, and once in awhile I'm even responsible for kids. I have to do homework for real. And none of that is something where you can come along. I love hanging out with you - we have so much fun together! But the delirium that is a constant with you isn't something I can have around me. I need to be able to convince people that I'm not a crazy people, and you don't seem to want me to be anything else.

I know this is hard to understand. It probably seems like it's coming out of the blue. I'm not a music major anymore - being off the edge of reason is not only unhelpful now, it's unacceptable. You're probably going to be upset for awhile, but you and I both know that as soon as a cute arts student walks by, you're going to light up again, and go right after her. Just leave the health science students alone, okay? It never works out for either of you.

Take care of yourself, feverbrain. Maybe I'll see you around sometime.

Phirefly

I do NOT understand women. At all. One minute, they're fine and the next, they're not. Pisses me off. I will admit that if other people are actually around when I have my panic attacks, they'd probably think the same thing. But for me, it's only one or two things that make me snap. For one of my other friends who was broken up with like what.. 2 or 3 weeks ago, it's every single f*cking thing. We'll call her FFA [Female Friend A].

So to one of my male friends [He'll be MFA], I look like a little sister to her.. and he torments me with that name all the time. I'm always there for her, always helping and shit. I'm tired of it. I'm fucking tired of always having to wake up because she's crying over her ex-bf because he doesn't want to take to her anymore. And I really don't blame him. She's annoying. I was hanging out with him today, as he IS one of my friends too, and we were talking about FFA and stuff. I was telling him her side of the story and listening to his. You know, her sides seemed to always be missing something, they never seemed quite full... I hear his sides, and I hear everything I've heard before.. but with more. His stories are complete.

Recently though, she's pissed me off to no end. She's always going onto my computer and downloading shit that takes forever to get rid of and find, And I've told her not to. Last night, I wanted to hang out with friends but I wasn't allowed to leave the house. So I called her to see if she wanted to come over and she said she was at the mall with bunches of people and didn't want to. So I ask her if she knows what everyone else is up to, like MFA, MFB [another friend of mine], and Ex-Bf. As soon as I mention his name she tells me that she doesn't want to see him at all and she doesn't want me to hang out with him. Okay, that's fine, I guess I can understand that, so I don't hang out with anyone.

Today, I go hang out with her at work, as usual, I go to Bubble Tea and get us drinks. When I come back, MFA is there and FFA is freaking out. She tells me that Ex-Bf is there at the mall. I try to cheer her up, but nothing seems to be working. MFA has to leave and I go with him ta see whats up.. She doesn't want me to leave, which I suppose is understandable, But I really wanted to know what was up. So with her permission I go with MFA and talk to Ex-Bf. I decide ta hang out with them, but I knew FFA wouldn't have let me so I told her that my mom wanted me to come home and she's like, ok, fine. And starts ranting about how perfect her and Ex-Bf were together and shit. So I fake my mom calling me and start to leave. And this is what pisses me off. She told me to have my computer ready for her when she comes over.

Okay, At no point did I EVER invite her over. Yes, for FFB [A VERY close friend of mine in Iowa], that would have been fine. But not for ANYBODY else. So, I hung out with Ex-Bf and MFA for the rest of the day and we were all having funn [I told FFA that I ended up getting grounded for the rest of the night]. Ex-Bf is ready to move on and only won't talk to her because she keeps asking if he'll ever take her back, even though the answer is always the same.

Here's another thing, FFA never listens to what I have to say and almost NEVER has my back on ANYTHING. Period. Ex-Bf actually knows how to debate, He'll take in what I have ta say and then condradict it or if it's right, agree with it. Plus he's pretty much always got my back on quite a few things, he's loyal to his friends where FFA is more of just a parasite to hers. Sucking away time, posessions, and life.

I'm done.

-MewCutie-

Do you ever have those days were your just in such a badd mood!

well i just had one of those days!

 

well it started off pretty good, i went to the mall with my friend Brenda *we didmajor damage in that mall!*

and yeah i was all good.

But I coundnt get my mind of this boyy!

no joke, he is getting to me =[

Should I tell him?

Knowing me it would just fuck things up..... ugh im fucking sick of itt!

 

Being Single Sucks!!

 

Kristin </3

i can't do this anymore. i can't pretend that what he had, doesn't matter to me. it does. every little moment. i swear to you that i remember it all. i remember when i first realized that i had fallen for you. i remember the first time you held my hand. i remember the first time that i got so lost in your eyes, that i could have stayed right there for days. i remember it. and, i can't pretend like we had a horrible relationship. because, darling, our relationship was wonderful. i have felt things for you that i have never felt for anyone else. you've touched my life in so many more ways than i could ever show you. maybe none of this matters anymore. maybe i'm just holding on to the things that need to be let go. but, it's so hard. and i'm holding on so tightly. i always have been. only because you mean so much to me. i knew that we had something special. i knew that we shared the kind of love that only happened once in a lifetime. and, i knew that if i ever lost that.. i would be more lost and alone than anyone has ever been or will be.

and it hurts me so much to think of you, without me. and it hurts so much to be me, without you. you don't know how i feel about this. you don't know how badly i wish for you everynight. i wish that i could have been enough. i wish that somehow, i could go back in time and be enough for you. because every little thing that we've shared has meant so much to me.
and most of all, i wish that i didn't have to phrase everything i say about us, in the past tense.

i remember how i fell in love with you. and how deeply i fell. and i remember feeling like you had fallen possibly even deeper than i had. i remember every late night phone conversation we ever had.. that lasted until the sun came up. and then we'd hang up the phone, and i'd have to call you back 2 minutes later just to tell you that i loved you one more time. i remember every hug you ever gave me when i was about to give up on life. i remember one night, not too long ago.. i was crying over a friend that i had lost.. and you held me in your arms underneath the stars, you placed your hand beneath my chin and lifted my head to yours. and you looked in my eyes, and you said "i will never leave you!" and at that moment, nothing in the world could have made me feel more safe... more loved... more in love.

but i'm so confused. how could you say those things? how could you make me fall so completely in love with you, and still do what you had done? i love you so much. and i would never want to make you feel pain for your mistakes. but i guarantee you that i feel more pain for your mistake than you do. how could you? when you promised! you told me that you would never hurt me! you said that i was the only one for you. you told me that you wanted to grow old with me. i want that so badly. i want it so much that it makes me cry when i think about it. because now i'm not so sure that those things will ever happen. i want you. i want to love you, care for you, protect you & have a family with you.. i want those things more than you could ever imagine. i just don't understand why this had to happen. part of me wishes that i hadn't loved you as much as i did. if you were just another guy to me, maybe this wouldn't hurt me. maybe i wouldn't be awake 'til 5 in the morning crying because i'm wondering how i screwed things up so badly.

no matter what pain and no matter how many tears have been caused. our love was real. because, when i think of you, and what we've shared. i smile. through the hurt and the heartbreak, thoughts of you always make me smile. because, you are my best friend. and, i will always be here for you to be a best friend. i will never forsake you or leave you for anyone else. you are everything that i ever wanted. even when i just think about you smiling, it makes me so happy. i love your smile. did i ever tell you that? .. i wanted our kids to have your smile.. along with your perfect lips. i just need you to know that i love you so unconditionally. no matter what you've done, i love you just the same. my love for you never dims.. it will never die. but maybe, this is a sign. maybe i need to stop holding you so close. perhaps i should let go.

for once.

oh, albert! i will always be a best friend to you, as long as you will let me. and we will always have a special connection that no person, and no circumstance could take away. what we have is real. and, it's beautiful. sure, there is heartache, but aboveall, there is love. and a love that i believe to be true. but, i can't be with you like i once was. and, it's wrong for me to keep you hanging on when i'm not sure if i'll ever heal. it's not fair to you albert. perhaps there is a girl out there for you who will make you want to stop all of the things that you did to hurt me. maybe i'm just not the one for you. as much as i love you, and as much as i had my heart set on being your one true love.. maybe it's not up to me. maybe it never was. maybe there is a girl out there who can make you so much happier than i ever could. i love you too much to let you settle. you have to know that this is the hardest thing that i have ever had to say. it's taken me so long. because, i just want to keep you with me. i want to hold you so close to my heart, because you are what i want. but, it's not about what i want anymore. we had our chance. and, we couldn't pass all of the tests. i want so much for you albert. more than i want to be with you, i want you to be genuinely happy. you deserve a life with so much more happiness than i have given you. suddenly, it's not about what makes me happy anymore. it's about you albert. you need to find what you are passionate about. someone you are passionate about. and, you need to love her.. with all of your heart. and learn from our relationship. and, don't hurt her. don't be with someone who hurts you. i love you with everything that i have left to give. i love you so much that it physically hurts. you are my everything. you consume every thought, every dream, every wish, every desire. but, we are not to be together at this point in our lives. if you never want to talk to me or see me again, i will understand and i will leave you alone for as long as you wish. however, if you need a best friend.. if you need someone who will love you with a love that endures all things; i am always here. you will always be my best friend. and, i can be your best friend if you allow me to be. what we share is wonderful. and, i will take our love with me forever. thank you albert. thank you for everything. i love you so much.

-karolyn