Breakup @ MindSay 
love
I had to give her an ultimatum before she even really started to show real interest in our getting back together in the first place. Also not a good sign, and another reason she can't get mad at me if I tell her that I have reservations.
Maybe reservations is the wrong word. I do want her back. That is not in question. My concern is that this time she hurt me too bad and let me get too far away for me to be able to just shrug it off. I really hope that the partially distanced state she has left me in can be healed with time, patience, and care.
That's the problem, though. How much patience is she going to have for me trying to reign in my independence from her? How much support is she going to want to give me while I try to repair the problem. I'm afraid I'm going to give it my all and she will just tell me that I might as well just give up. She's always so quick to give up. That's what got us into this mess in the first place. If I decide I'm willing to put forth the effort to repair this relationship and she's not behind me 100%, I'm NOT going to be happy.
I don't want to have to chase desperately after these fleeting, flaky relationships anymore. I can't keep it together by myself. No matter how much she wants to put this back on me, it's going to take both of us to put this back together. It will take work, time, care, and patience, and it will take both of us giving it those things. If that sounds like too much work for her than I'm not interested in starting again. I need somebody who cares about the relationship as much as I do.
I know you better than you probably know yourself.
I know that you're not as honest a person anymore- regardless of what you "think" you are. I know you didn't stay faithful to me, and i know you went behind my back. The hickeys on your neck at the last party were a dead giveaway, in case you think i didn't notice. The way you slept with me, while Eddie was, no matter what you say, your boyfriend- and you neglected to tell him anything about me. The fact that i could never, ever get a straight answer, and that every second i wasn't with you... was just another second i had to worry who you were with. I know that you're not even half as innocent as you "swear" you are. The contract? Honestly. I know you didn't abide it, even though i did.
I know that you think you needed to "find yourself"... but, tell me, how does one "find herself"? Last i checked, you didn't want to date anyone so you had time to do some soul searching... and yet, 2 weeks later, you end up with someone else? Have a little class... i know you had someone else in mind when you broke up with me. At least have the guts to tell me, instead of hiding behind lies and little tears. I don't blame you nor am i mad at you for not being in love with me anymore- it's for you for not being honest.
I know that since this whole thing ended, we're probably both better off. You can "find yourself" with as many guys as it takes, while i find myself surrounded with the people who matter most and great memories. I guess it's the silver lining in the cloud- i realized the type of person i didn't want to be with anymore. I realized that there's a lot more to having a good girlfriend than a nice body and an easy spending habit. I realized that i could be happier with someone else... someone who left my life just a little too soon before... and hopefully makes a return tour. She realizes what she's missed out on... and, luckily for her, she still has a shot.
I don't know why i even bother wasting my time, in the end- it doesn't really matter at all. You're the scar on my heart, permanently reminding me that i shouldn't be so trusting and to listen to my friends. The reminder that there is so much more to this life than i could ever see inclosed. A reminder that, although someone appears to have it all- they can just be another brick in the wall. The sad part is... things didn't have to be this way, and you were really someone different when things first began. If you were still the same person today, it could have lasted through the ages. It breaks my heart to see how much you've changed.
I know right now, i can smile all day long, even if i hit a reminder of you. I look at the picture frames filled with pictures of the affectionate girlfriend i once had, and i laugh. I laugh... because i'm grateful i don't hurt anymore. I'm grateful to wake up every day, and don't have to wonder or worry. I wake up every day with a clear conscious, anxiously awaiting what lies ahead. I hope you can find some kind of happiness in this world too, even if you never have a clear conscious again. Do i still think of you? From time to time, yes... i think of some of the sweet things you used to do, and i do miss them. The whole reason i wrote this was to finally let out what i've been thinking without yelling and screaming at you, and being the bigger person. Do i have any regrets? Not really... i learned a hard lesson, and it's something i'll carry with me the rest of my life. Am i mad at you? Not really... but sometimes i do wonder what was going through your head when you had the world at your feet. What's next? I don't really know... hopefully, the future holds someone who will love me for who i am and what i do, and i won't have to worry about them being honest, or keeping things from me. Someone who will embrace the affection i give them, and actually appreciate the little things. No more lust... just real, true, love. I know it will happen someday, and i'm in no rush to get there.
But, do you know what else i know?
I know one day... you'll finally realize what you've lost, and it will be far too late.
~O~
Why can't i find myself far enough away from you, even after i've put millions of miles under the soles of my shoes?
Why can't i find it in myself to suck it up and realize that you may never come back?
Why can't i look anywhere but the back of my eyelids and not see you?
Why can't i seem to find enough alcohol in my system to make me to even begin to forget, even if i started to black out?
Why am i not even safe in my own dreams from you?
Why didn't i protect myself enough?
Why didn't this whole thing work?
Why do i suddenly want to call you?
Why did i almost text you earlier, even after i deleted your number (but somehow memorized it)?
Why can't i see why you're not the one anymore?
Why am i sitting here, half drunk, feeling so sorry for myself, wishing to God i still had you... when i know you aren't in love with me anymore... and why, God, did things have to change..........
~O~
I used to have one as 'Evangelinia' here, but I deleted it today...because it was just sitting there being a waste of space if I didn't use it...I'll attempt to make time to type in this one daily...although I highly doubt the chances of that situation.
This is a really REALLY shitty way of starting out a blog, but its a fucking blog, I can type whatever the shit I want....anyway, lately I've been thinking ALOT about my ex-boyfriend. :(
Yes, yes, I'm a teenage girl complaining & whining about boys. Fuck off, I realize that.
He was the best thing to happen to me...he treated me so wonderfully. He never yelled at me, he never snapped at me, he never made me do things I didn't want to do, he was absolutely perfect for me...both inside & out... (out meaning hot punk :) )
I adored every second with him. Petting his mohawk, fingering his gauges, poking whatever shiny studded/spiked object appeared on his outerwear, and just huggling him any moment I could. And I poked his piercings as much as I possibly could without him getting mad (which he never was with me.) And he respected the fact that I'm straightedge (no alcohol, no drugs, no sex).
Only 3 problems:
1.) He was 18.
2.) My family could not find out.
3.) He would be leaving for college soon.
My family found out about him during the summer, forced me to "break up" with him, & introduce him to the family...although they were skeptical at first, they accepted him...and having him over was great. ^^
And then disaster strikes when I find out he was leaving for college earlier. XP And that leads to the breakup because if I stayed with him any longer, it would have been harder to let him go.
Soo, now I'm in perpetual misery because as much as I would love to be with other guys cause I'm single, I keep dwelling on the past & how no guy I date is gonna be as perfect as he was for me. :(
GGGGOOOODDDD, I blow major for letting a breakup form me into a moping child.
But he was my first love and the first guy I've dated that I said 'I love you' to & meant it 100%. (he was much better than ANY of my exes.)
meh. XP
idk.
(btw, one of my friends is a ZebraQuailFish)
You know, so many of the most important events in my life don't end up being chronicled in here. There are a number of reasons for that. Some of them are just too personal to tell, others just can't be properly captured by words, at least, not by me. Not yet. Another reason is just that the event is too emotionally significant so near the fact that putting it to words is too painful. By the time it feels better, many of the finer details, which are often the ones that matter most, are lost to time and the fallibility of human memory.
Some of these still make it in here, but they end up being half-assed, just written for the sake of being written so as to avoid loosing, but not truly captured. I will do my best to ensure that this does not attend this latter category.
Yesterday was packing day for Katie and me. I went up and helped her finish up her packing. The last thing we did before leaving her house was pack up everything we had and stuff it into my car. It wasn't nearly as difficult as it should have been. Partly because I'm just good at "tetris," and partly because, for a girl, she sure packs up pretty tight. There was surprisingly little to take with us. It fit perfectly. There was even room to spare.
After that we went back to my house for a late dinner. I made us a salad and severely undercooked grilled chicken. I suck at chicken. I'm great with red meats, but I need more practice with the chicken. She appreciated it though. We ate more than we could handle anyway.
After that, we were both tired. Seeing as how her mother was already asleep, and we would be leaving early anyway, I just let her crash here at my house. I think she preferred that anyway. Neither of us got much sleep that night, it turns out. Separation anxiety was finally starting to creep in.
We woke up at 5:30 in the morning. We were both really nervous about Katie and Lauren and how they would react to me being there. That's why we wanted to get up there bright and early, get checked in, get unloaded, and just be able to hang out before they arrived. I didn't anticipate things getting rough, considering the circumstances, but other than Taylor and my sister Erin, Katie and I can't really be ourselves around people that we know. Not together, anyway. That's when we're happiest. That's what was going to make this so hard.
We dropped off at Katie's house to say goodbye to Mom, the Cats, and Elise. That’s when it got emotional. Katie went through the teary process of hugs and goodbyes and was finally able to walk out the door…just to go back in to double check which exit we needed to get off at.
Once we got on the road, things got fun. We spent the duration of the trip talking, joking around, and blasting our favorite songs at high decibels, singing along and laughing about how unqualified we were to do so. We were fully aware that at some point that day, a very sudden and a very sad goodbye would become necessary, but that was the furthest thing from our minds at that point. We were more than intent on having the best damn last day we could manage.
Logan canyon was beautiful, as it always is, what with the smell of fresh heather and hay blowing in through the open windows. We got thinking about a pretty country house up on the hillside, with a huge garden and a dozen midgets playing with the horses. We try not to make it a habit to anticipate the distant future, but on this occasion, our dreams coincided so perfectly that we couldn’t help but indulge ourselves a little.
By the time we got to Logan, we were starving. It was a little after 7:30, we had been up for two hours, and hadn’t eaten. We were hungry. We drove around for a few minutes trying to find a healthy balance between desire and destitution, before finally settling on 7-11. A bacon and egg English muffin sandwich, a HUGE chimichanga, and a cup of totally pure cocoa later, we were driving up Old Man Hill, looking up at the Aggie Tower.
We drove around campus for a few minutes, trying to get the feel for where everything was, trying to figure out where registration would be and where we might be able to get a map. No place had free parking. We finally just decided to stop in the nearest parking lot wherein nobody else had any semblance of a permit. It was at that point that Katie realized that she had a map in her little notebook.
I will admit that I wasn’t struck with the same infatuation with the campus as Katie was. At the same time, though, there isn’t much bad I can say about it, aside from the fact that they really need to take better care of their signs. It was a good thing I know who Legrand Richards is, or else I might never have been able to find Richards hall. After all, at first glance, “Le rand Hall” doesn’t quite translate into “home.”
But this is when it’s convenient to date boy scouts. We wandered out into a plaza of dormitories, discovered their names, and triangulated our position on the map. Once we determined where our destination is, it was much easier to find. It turns out that registration was conveniently in Richards, which is right where we wanted to be. A guy showed us up to her dorm, and she got to know the place a little bit.
This is where jealousy set in. Before that day, the only dorms I had ever really been in were the DT’s and B…BBBiddulph. Let me tell you about those, specifically the DT’s. Seven identical floors, each comprised of two parallel hallways with dorm rooms staggered on either side. Each room could house two students, making for about fifty per floor. The room - which each have only slightly more floor space than my bedroom - consists of two clunky, uncomfortable beds, two small desks, two small cupboards, two dressers, two small mirrors, two closets, and a single window that doesn’t open. The nearest kitchen is in the Morris center, in the next building over. Each floor has two bathrooms with four showers each.
Now let me tell you about Katie’s dorm. Its four bedrooms are connected by a bathroom and a huge storage space. The bedrooms have all of the above mentioned items, but with bigger cupboards, mirrors, and comfier beds. Not to mention wall space. Each room has its own entrance so people are never disturbing each other.
Now, four people together live in the three bedrooms of that dorm. One shower. Seems crowded, right? Shower to body ratio is 1:4. Remember DT’s? Ratio is 8:50, give or take a few. Even if the other two people that the three-bedroom dorm houses had shown up, that is still CONSIDERABLY better than any traditional dorm you could find. And I would prefer a traditional dorm to living at home any longer. Ergo, jealous.
While she was occupied with getting situated in the dorm, I ran back down and parked the car over at Richards parking, and began hauling stuff up. Although she had some very heavy things, I think the worst was her indispensible book bin. She had to help me with that one. Even though her load was rather conservative, especially for a person of the female race, it still tuckered me out pretty good. I don’t know what time it was when we finished, but I do know that it was after 1:00 when I woke up and realized I had been napping. I let Katie sleep another half hour while I played Street Fighter on her laptop.
When she woke up, she decided that we were hungry again, so we went to the Blue Bird. It was cute and small and local, and like the Scera or anything else, when Kate finds an establishment that’s cute and small and local, she’s ready to support it. I tend to agree. It was good to take a break from the day and let the commotion settle. Plus it was air-conditioned. We got talking about plans for that afternoon. Katie and Lauren were already on their way up, and we were both nervous about an incident. I told her that I would leave any time she wanted me to…which was the wrong thing to say because she didn’t want me gone any more than I wanted to leave. We decided that I would leave if a confrontation arose, but short of that, we weren’t going to let their ancient (and if I may say so, more than a little unfair) vendetta against me ruin what was quickly becoming and would become the perfect last day. Besides, I hadn’t seen Hannah in a little while and I didn’t want to leave without seeing her.
Halfway through the meal, a very frustrated and very lost Lauren called Katie looking for directions. We stuffed the food into our faces and ran out to her rescue. By the time we got back to campus, though, she had found some parking even nearer than our original spot and was already unloading. We helped. Much to my surprise and delight, Lauren was more than civil to me; she was kind, even to the point of joking around with me. I’m sure it was all for show, for Katie’s sake, but I am grateful for it nonetheless. Moreso than I can express, in fact. There were times I could even pretend that it was as it used to be when we were all friends, something that meant a great deal to me while it lasted. Surprise decorations of my bathroom, late night movies, broken martinelli’s bottles and bubbly instantly frozen to the driveway. It was nice.
Meanwhile I helped unpack and set things up any way that I could. Incidentally, that’s not a whole lot, considering I am sinfully unqualified to manage the many strange and mysterious ways of womankind. I did manage to set up their incredibly sexy scanner/copier/printer on both computers, as well as do some other manual labor which I’m sure was appreciated to some extent. By and large, though, I spent much of the time resting, imagining Lauren telling me that my services were no longer necessary and that I needed to please go home, and wishing that Katie would give me a legitimate reason to stick around.
Katie came over to visit with her parents and with Hannah, and they got to having fun. Katie’s parents went out to buy hangers, which Lauren and Katie had both forgotten, and drinks for everybody. When they returned and had gotten something for me, I was so shocked and altogether touched that they had thought to include me that I was too emotional to thank them, which kind of bothers me because now they probably think I’m just the rotten zit on society’s ass from their daughter’s rants, and an ingrate on top of it. I’m considering writing them a thank you note. It seems small, you know, buying a soda, but it is no small thing to me to be included.
About that time, Katie said that she needed to take me out to refill my gas. I knew what that meant. It was time to say goodbye. We drove out to the chevron almost in silence, because we knew that the magnificent chapter of our lives that spanned the last ten months was coming to a close within minutes. By the time we were back at Richards parking, it was all we could do to keep the tears from flowing. The goodbye was hard, but it was time. That parting hug could have lasted another hour and I wouldn’t have noticed. I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to roll out a mat and live on her floor for the next two semesters. Hell, I still do.
I sobbed the whole way down to the car. I haven’t cried that much in a long time. For that matter, I haven’t cried much at all recently. I had to stop for breath every ten feet or so. Every muscle in my body wanted to sprint back for one more hug. But at least one of us had to be strong, and for the first time in a long time, it was going to be me.
When I got to the car, I just let the tears flow until I could see straight again, and then I headed out of town. Alone. My car was empty except for my Harley Davidson boots, some wool socks, my dragon pendant, and the Mountain Dew Voltage that Katie’s parents had gotten me. Before I had even gotten to Dead Man’s hill, I was calling Hannah to see if there was any way I could take her home. Before I was off the hill, I had already called a second time, practically begging through my tears. I wanted the company. The ride was going to be a rough one to do alone. That, and I knew she would be feeling many of the same things I would, and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do one more nice thing for her.
It never worked out, and I drove home. I was so distraught that I missed my turn and ended up going through Willard and by Grandma Tucker’s house and I didn’t even stop to look. I was still gushing tears, but I was also smiling. I got pissed. “Why are you happy?! Be sad, damn it!”
And that was when I realized that there was nothing to be sad about. Even though the first few months Katie and I were becoming close were so difficult, she had given me the most incredible time of my life almost every waking moment through it all and since. Every time we parted ways, we knew it would be okay, because we would be together again in a few hours. We didn’t even plan on it; it was just assumed. It was an incredible time! The entire sequence of events that comprised our relationship flashed over me like a film montage:
The park by Shawna’s, the bookstore and dance, the corn maze, the rain starting up every time we got together (God is in the rain), new years and flogging molly. The first email, seeing her nearly every day during Christmas Break so we could get away from family stress, cuddling on Hannah’s couch late at night, thankful for the fact that nobody would be able to prove it, Lauren taking that incriminating picture on her camera phone, leaving Sammie so I could be with her, the first kiss, the first time I had to view that terrible, broken-hearted look on her face and know that it was my fault, a thousand drives, never being able to get up past the gate at Squaw Peak, getting stuck up Dry Canyon, getting stuck in the park, snowmobiling, again, holding each other so we could stay warm in the winter, finally putting all that behind me so I could at least know for sure if Hannah could truly ever love me, the relief of knowing that even though I didn’t deserve it, Katie would still have me back after Hannah had broken my heart, sneaking out at 12:30 every night for weeks and driving around laughing and talking and helping each other cope with our entire worlds and how hell-bent they were on destroying us, a thousand visits to the studio, how we would always try to part with just one-more kiss, the camp out, how much it hurt when she blew me off to film her French video with her friends instead, sneaking out at 2:00 am to film it anyway, hanging out at Taylor’s house, Taylor and I singing “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” at the top of our lungs to her delight, the first breakup, the loneliness of never having her with me anymore, realizing a few days later how much we suck at this whole “breaking up” thing, the weather turning, riding the motorcycle up at Sky Park, movies, her coming to surprise me at the studio, our first real date, a thousand meetings at East Shore and comforting each-other under the ridiculous amount of work it would take to graduate, the drive around the lake when she was feeling restless, upside-down cinnamon rolls, the late-night conversations when one of us wasn’t feeling well, the second breakup, ditching the film festival to hang out for the first time in over a month, winning the film festival and her congratulatory hug, getting back together that night up at the Squaw Peak gate, the hilarity of the cop asking if we were both there consensually, nursing her back to health after she would donate plasma, iceberg fries and shakes, the first time we held hands, sneaking out just to make out in the bed of her truck, my arms wrapped around her when she was sad or afraid and always whispering in her ear, “you’re safe now,” falling asleep in the grass in the park, how much she loved the Scera, never having enough gas money to come see her, Mondays in the lab, splashing in the puddles when our rainstorm finally hit again, carrying her everywhere she’d let me when she forgot her shoes, a thousand visits to Discovery Park, the first time I was able to get the words out of my mouth that I had come to truly love her, the overwhelming happiness when she said it back, dropping everything to make her feel safe when she had the creepy Jason nightmare again, blowing a whole paycheck on her in a couple of days, burying fat cat, packing up her books, loving her so much that my chest hurt, realizing that I need to stop crying or I wasn’t going to be able to drive home.
I know that her going away was a necessary step in the rest of her life, in the rest of both our lives. Still, though, this chapter of my life had so many amazing times that it’s going to be a difficult one to leave behind. The more I think about it, the more I realize that these times are going to have to be given opportunity to continue, someday. Goodbye is not forever. Friendship can be.
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