Break Up @ MindSay

i saw albert about half an hour ago. its the first time i've seen him since the first monday in may. i was in a car, getting dropped off, and we passed him walking down the street. i don't know if he saw me in the car, most likely he didn't. so of course, once i was out of the car rather than precede to my destination i ran the three blocks back, then turned the corner n ran down another street to reach the street i'd seen him on, hoping to do the whole, "fancy i just ran into you!" cliche. the idea hadn't even popped in my head at first, i was just swarmed with anxiety. at the last second i thought, "hey, this just might work," just to at least say hi to him, or at the very least make him see me.

of course, somehow i'd missed him. even when i looked behind me on the street i didn't see him, but it almost makes me wonder if he did see me in that car and he hid down one of the streets that connect the one i'd ran along and the one he was walking on in the anticipation that my dumb ass would do the crazy thing that i just did. if that's the case, then he would have seen me looking around for him, too, and cursing that i hadn't been able to catch him.

i remember a year ago, being alone here, and taking that chance of calling him n cyn, trying to reach out n make new friends. i remember how scared i was, how happy i became, and of course this leads me to feel even worse than i did before. i wish we could just go back to that- not dating, just being friends. just, "hey, wanna watch a movie?" "sure!" "hey, wanna get high n hang out?" "why not? i've got nothing else to do!" i miss that more than i can describe. and when i saw him today, that's all i wanted, nothing more. i would have been happy with him just seeing me, even if he just walked by n pretended he didn't know me like jacob's been doing since the break up first happened. sure, i've fattened up a lot since then. i gained 5lbs in Hawai'i alone, but i didn't care because now that i'm back in Arcata, my meals aren't free, and i don't have the money to by them. when i start to starve again, the fat will help keep me going n the fact that i'm more active here will help me start to thin out soon enough. its funny, one time we were talking about puma, how all he ever does is sleep and get fat. albert said, "well if you couldn't have sex, (somewhere previously in the conversation it was mentioned that puma has been nutered), what else would you do?" and guess what? when i wasn't getting sex anymore, that IS what i did! haha

*cry*

the same thing happened on 4th of july as i watched the fireworks with my co-workers Javier, Ashley, Valerie (they're twin sisters) and valerie's bf Alex. us girls were sitting on the roof of Ashley's car in the Safeway parking lot, watching the colorful explosions thro the clouds that blanketed the sky. not only did i worry that one of them would walk by, accompanied with a few people probably, too, but i got the nearly overwhelming urge to just walk the couple streets behind the connected Longs, just to see how they were doing, just to say hi. I would have loved to have gone over, say, "hey, what's up, how's ur forth? oh that's cool, i'm just hanging out with some co-workers. cool, i'll see u guys around," n leave. of course, if they had been home, (n i'm not sure they were), it wouldn't have been like that at all. there probably would have been quite a few, "what the fuck are you doing here"s and "i'm calling the cops" accompanied by calling the cops. and that is what really hurts me. even tho i miss hanging out with BOTH OF THEM, not just albert, i can't even just say hi. i can't even just be friendly. obviously, for those of you who have been reading this blog for quite some time, you know that there is still quite a bit of rage and hostility brewing inside me. that's why even tho i'd love to hang out with them again, i know i'm not ready for it yet. i sure as fuck wouldn't get drunk with them yet. ever since i dated cyn n albert i've gotten super horny every time i've gotten drunk. i think its probably the only reason why i'm not chugging down the last bit of jager i have. no i don't drink that stuff cuz it reminds me of them, i drink it cuz i can drink it straight, lol.

anyway...i wish, even tho i wanted to lose some weight before he saw me again, before either of them saw me again, that i could have at least gotten him to talk by me. i would have smiled, would have waved since i knew it was coming. if it had been totally random, i probably would have had a panic attack n reacted much the way i wanted to in the car and the way i did when i got home- lots of screaming n crying. at the least i could have told him that that guy Drew that works at Kinkos says, "what's up." that's a story for another time, tho. for now, i'm just trying not to think about all those things again- i wondered if he was going home, wondered if he worked today, wondered if he's alone at home right now, wondered if he wished he could call me just to hang out. hopefully for nothing else, tho. the first friday in may, the day we talked for hours, he said that he still thought about calling me and asking me if i wanted to fool around, which actually bothered me because even then i hadn't thought about him that way anymore. yeah i'd wondered what would happen if i tried to kiss him or he tried to kiss me, how we'd react, etc., and i told him that, but it was never something i acted upon, nor would i have, but that was it and i told him that, too.

like i said, tho, i'm trying not to wonder about what he's doing now. it makes me think about how a year ago i could have called him, even tho i might not have cuz i was so shy, but i still could have. its not like i feel like i took that time for granted, because we weren't close then. i wish we were now. when i start to think about things, tho, everything, i feel all the anger come back and the question i really ask myself is why. why am i going to therapy to try and work this out so i can overcome my anxiety, anger, jealousy towards mara, etc. so that eventually i can be friends with them again as if nothing ever happened when i'm pretty damn sure they're not working for the same thing? i wasn't happy when Dave told me how cyn had posted shit on myspace about what i baby i was being about the whole situation, especially finding out that she'd done that after all the bullshit she told me after that last monday in may...i told myself not to fall for it, told myself that but a part of me still hoped, still hoped that some part of her still cared for me as much as if not like she used to. funny, still when i wondered if i would have reacted the same way i did after seeing albert as i would if i had seen cyn instead, i'm not sure. i think that in that moment, maybe i would have. i still hear those voices arguing in my head, that albert hadn't been as cold to me as cyn had, but then again he appeared to be warm and sympathetic by lying to me.

well i've stopped coughing from the run finally and have calmed down for now, but i have therapy in 50 mins.

...that i don't have him anymore, not the way that i did. last night was the last night me n albert had together, and as of last night when he left, i felt ok. we had a hell of a night together. the only other person i'd ever cut before was nam, but last night while me n albert were having sex i cut him a little because he'd always wanted someone to do it, and it was amazing. him and i both have really similar beliefs about how blood is a symbol for a person's soul. i see it as like the closest thing you can get to a physical embodiment of a person's soul. its like when u lick up someone's blood, there's now a part of them inside of you. not just a piece of their body, but a part of their thoughts, their feelings, the thing that makes them who they are- the soul. apparently i didn't cut him deep enough, tho, cuz he took the knife from me n cut himself deeper on his chest...n then i started spreading some of his blood on me over my heart and stuff, and i just felt so close and connected with him. i'm sure a lot of u are really freaked out from that, but i don't care. it was one of the most intense and intimate experiences of my life, especially seeing him do that to himself, especially for me.

we had sex a couple times last night, (like four, haha, and he got a blow job), n when i cut him we did it twice in a row. he then sat back n said he was worried about getting blood on my wall because i had cut the back of his shoulders a little, too, so instead i took some of the blood from the cuts on his chest and i drew a heart on the wall above my bed with it. (yeah, if now ur really freaked out, lol) we kept adding more to it, little by little, and after a while i took the knife and just cut a line down my stomach and i took some of my blood and added it to the heart. he'd tried to cut me himself, but i didn't let him because i was too scared. mine wasn't nearly as deep and was only one so i didn't bleed as much, but now there's a little piece of me on the wall with him, too.

we were just hanging out afterwards, nude and bleeding, not caring about anything but each other, and i just thought about everything, all the ways he's made me feel, how i trust him so much for some reason, and how i've shared things with him, like what we did last night, that i never thought i'd do with anyone. i think that's why i felt ok last night, but reading something cyn just posted on her myspace made things hit me...

....shit, i'm late for class now. we'll see how i feel in a while. we're probably not going to see each other today, but that's ok.

cyn lost her wallet. i was sitting in my 6:00pm class n i was taking notes on something, n then i looked up n saw her turning around in the doorway. naturally i wondered, "wtf?" she came back in like 2 minutes later n said she'd lost her wallet in the room last night somewhere around 8:00pm. after some looking around no one could find it, so our instructor told her to check the geography department office or UPD. i almost wished i'd found it so i could burn it. part of me feels bad after getting that picture message, but at the same time, her sad = me :D. i really hope she never finds it. then i'd feel a lot better about never finding my USB drive last year, too. i know, that doesn't really make any sense, but i guess its because then i'd know someone that shit happened to, too.

then of course, i started wondering if albert had been with her because he didn't come by at all yesterday, or at least not as of like 10:00pm. he told me when i saw him on monday that he only comes by here when cyn is not around, which i do appreciate, and its hard for him to read it when he is alone because their friend chris from back in fresno is living with them now. he did tell me, tho, that chris really doesn't care, (when chris first came up here albert said he didn't want to get involved in anyway), n yes, i know albert also has other things to do with his time, such as homework, but he's NEVER been very studious and really i think the reason why it gets to me n i somewhat obsess over it, (i surprisingly have been able to block it out fairly well for now), is because the fact that its no big deal to him that he didn't come by for a day is no big deal to him, because it shows me that he's a lot more over this than i am and that he doesn't care about me as much as i care about him. then again, he also just might be better at blocking that shit out, but i guess it would be a little easier if i still had friends n a partner, too, even if my partner was a little cunt n i said i'd never forgive her for letting me get close to someone the way she let him get close to me only to force me to break up with them only to jump back in bed with them not even a full month later.

but anyway, mike is watching something w/ two of his friends downstairs n they have the volume up so loud that is shaking the floor, so i'm gonna tell them to turn it down n relax. i've been sick all day. :(

or shit myself. i'm meeting cyn n albert outside in 5 minutes.