Boys @ MindSay

so my dumbass just signed onto myspace a little while ago to give kudos to zach braff cuz i'm drunk, n instead all kinds of more drama has unfolded. i don't kno wtf to do. maybe i'm freaking out cuz i'm drunk, i dunno. i'm so lost.

so i made this video yesterday n i meant to post it before i went over to jackie's for the night, but the software that allows me to upload videos off my camera was being a dick n i didn't have the time. i'd write a little more about what me n albert talked about, but right now i'm pissed off about something else that i'll probably just post in another video because i'm a lazy ass.

some highlights i guess tho are that we talked about how we've both noticed this pattern that keeps happening: we'll talk, things will be better for a while, then something happens, things go to shit, n then we talk again. n we both agree, it really sux. the problem is that i really wish him and i could hang out again n have the types of conversations we used to have again, not just from when we were dating but before that, too. things like our philosophies on life n the way we see the world n stuff like that. its just that apparently cyn is still really jealous that there were things me n albert could do that she just couldn't. i didn't ask if albert meant that psychologically she just couldn't do it, or if physically she couldn't. i dunno, i just thought she'd be over that by now.

that n she came by a couple of times while me n albert were talking. once she kissed him before she left, n that didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would, but then again i also rolled my eyes n looked away. (seriously, fucking bitch didn't have to do that n she knows it bothers me) the second time, tho, she just wouldn't leave n i knew we were going into a stand off- who was gonna get tired first n leave. it was her, (w00t for me!), but when albert came back i asked him if he got chewed out n he said, "kinda."

later on when we were talking about how emotionally draining this pattern has been for him, he brought up that, "once i leave here, i'm not done." n its because he goes home n cyn plays 20 questions to find out wtf we talked about. i don't see why she still does that when all three of us kno that when messages go thro albert, they don't always come out the right way. fuck, albert said another thing that bothers cyn is related to not being able to let go, n for the sake of not getting things wrong, (which is why that's all albert told me in the first place), i didn't ask him to clarify if its because i can't let go of him, the pain they've caused me, or if its because she can't let go of her jealousy.

but yesterday, for the first time, i was honestly terrified of what was going to happen n what conversation they were going to have when he got home, cuz she thought he was gonna be home by 1:30 n he probably wasn't home until 3:30 or 4:00. she even walked by one more time after that, n she actually had the audacity to smile n wave.

n i guess he came by this morning before he left for work. when i got home this morning i was so pissed that i wanted to call him just to vent...but right now i actually need to catch the bus so i can do some homework, so i'll get to that shit later. besides that, i'm sure its gonna get worse before it gets better like shit always seems to do...

with like everything in my life right now. and i'm really short tempered and i feel the inclinition to ignore certain things because i'm worried that i might snap and make a mistake or say something that i don't mean because i'm very stressed out right now. there are so many things going on in my head, i don't even know where to begin in terms of writing about them. i'm stressed out because of school, i'm stressed out trying to find new room mates, i'm stressed out over this stupid situation with albert, the fact that i don't really have any one to hang out with other than reanna n she makes me feel like shit, i'm stressed that i haven't lost the weight i was supposed to lose by May, and i'm stressed cuz stuart needs to take a fucking chill pill. no, i haven't read ur replies yet cuz i'm pissed off about enough things in life right now that i don't need to lose my temper over something that's not a big fucking deal. I've told u, when u call, its bad fucking timing. i'm SORRY that i take my studies seriously, i'm SORRY that i want to graduate in four years so i decided to take four classes this semester, i'm SORRY that i want to get into grad school so i'm doing work in a professor's lab. i'm SORRY that i don't have time for you! but guess what? anna n jeanie can tell u that i don't have time for them, either. the last time i talked to anna on the phone was last week cuz i had 20 mins to kill before my next class, n the last time i talked her and jeanie before that was a couple weeks ago. i don't even have time to call emo jimmy n the one time that i did he didn't answer. if u can't fucking wait until school is over to talk to me n u can't be fucking understanding of the fact that i have a lot of shit going on, then fuck off. i'm fucking sorry. i've got three more damn weeks n if it weren't for the fact that i'm already stressed out n pissed off about 12 other things, this wouldn't even be that big of a deal. the only reason i'm still updating on here is because i need some place where i can vent my fucking feelings BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE I NORMALLY WOULD GET THIS SHIT OUT TO!!

 

oh, let's not forget my fucking financial issues...mike STILL won't pay me the bill money he owes me, we finally got how much gas $ we owe for ppl for WPA, but the rooms still aren't figured out n the reimbersments aren't figured out yet, either. I HAVE A FUCKING BUDGET! i'm sorry my parents don't just fucking hand me money n i have to work for shit n bust my ass to save up money so i don't starve or end up on the street cuz i can't afford my rent!

 

i hate everything right now.

i didn't see albert today, even tho i was tabling. i got all excited n anxious, n then sure enough, he didn't come say hi. i hate when this happens, especially now, because it only makes me think more that something is up and he won't tell me. i told him when i saw him on thursday that i feel like he's hiding something from me, n he was just like, "i don't know what to say." the fact that i didn't see him friday or today only makes me feel that way that much more. sure, i kno its the end of the semester n he'd got a lot of school shit to do, but seriously, u can't take FIVE MINUTES out of one damn day to talk to someone? he's only taking like three classes n he only works saturday, sunday, and wednesday. he's got lots of free time!

n i know he's told me before that 11:00am monday n friday are the best times for him n cyn to see their marriage counselor together or for him to go to the dentist, but weren't they only seeing a counselor together once a month? and didn't he take care of all of that dentist shit like a month ago?

I really hope i see him wednesday so i can vent all this crazy shit out n get a better idea of what the hell is going on.

So, my first blog entry. One of what will hopefully be many! I'm going to be using this blog to share my random ramblings, musings, rants and so forth. I may also post my lyrics or short stories here too.

I've been looking for a good blog host for about a week now. I had initially signed up for Livejournal, but I realized that it had far more settings than I needed. So, I abandoned my Livejournal account and set off in search of a more simple blog. I decided to try Blogger, but I didn't like any of the templates, and when I tried to modify it, it continually played up. So I found My.Opera. Which looked great. Until I tried to put my own header in. The CSS just wouldn't work for me - I swear, that language is evil. It's conspiring against me. It's going to strike when I least expect it. Anyway, after signing up for goodness knows how many other blog hosts, each one of which failed to meet my standards (which, to be perfectly fair, weren't exactly sky-high), I finally found Mindsay. I scouted around the site a bit and it seems to meet every single one of my needs and wants! So, that's how I got here...I told you this was going to be random :).

My username, My Own Eternity, comes from the song "Before The Chance To Leave" by Motion In Colour. The four lines in my header are the lyrics from that song that always seem to grab me. My blog name, Out Of The Blue, wasn't really inspired by anything in particular, it just seemed to fit with both the design of the header and the sheer randomosity of this blog.

I don't have much to say now...just a few dates I don't want to forget:
31st January - Elliot Minor at Wrexham. Gutted we missed the signing, but the gig was awesome! Bought myself a signed poster and hoodie (the hoodie wasn't signed though)!
6th April - Showtime! at Wolverhampton. First time seeing Daniel Boys live; he was amazing, of course! And so was Kerry Ellis, but I wouldn't have expected any less from her! I found out about some really good West End performers, namely Ramin Kairimloo, Chris Key and Rebecca Lock. The students weren't good at all - I know they're only young, but if they want to go into the West End, they're going to have to be a million times better than they were. And the sound guy should have been shot. It's one thing to get the kids' mics wrong, but the pros as well? Off with his head!
12th April - Elliot Minor's album arrived in the post, and it was one of the first 500 to be shipped, which means it's signed! So now I have their autographs twice :), but I haven't met them once :(.

'Til next time, then,
Take care!