Boyfriends @ MindSay

What do you do when it seems like the one person you want to spend all your time with doesn't want to spend any time with you at all?  When it seems like the only time they want you around is when they want a piece of ass?

 

Some days, I feel like he doesn't want me around him at all.  Like all he wants to do is be with his friends more than me...

 

Is it because I don't have anyone here to hang out with anymore?

 

Not to mention the fact that he's just a habitual liar and I think he might be seeing someone new on the side...

 

Though, I haven't told him any of these things to his face...

 

At this point in my life, I'm not sure of what I want anymore.  All I know is that I love him so much that I think it's blinding me from seeing other problems with our relationship.  We don't talk as much as we used to.  I mean, we talk, but we don't have conversations like we used to.  All he's interested in is hanging out with Pablo, smokin weed, drinkin beer and playing video games.

 

I don't understand it...  Did I do something to push him away?  Maybe it's because I don't like him hanging around his friends so much more than he hangs out with me...  Or maybe he's stopped caring about me all together... 

He says he wants to be with me forever, but has forever come and gone already?

 

I wish I had all the answers to these questions.  I wish I had as good of a relationship as other people I know.  I'm tired of feeling unwanted and pushed to the side.  And I've told him that.  And he just blows it off like it's nothing.  I know I don't need him, really I do know, but I can't imagine myself with anyone but him.

i saw a picture of raver jimmy on facebook a bit ago. not on perpose and not cuz i was looking for it. there's a new Oregon Trail application on there where u can "recruit" ppl from ur friend list and then they're in your wagon and one of the ppl on my friend list had him listed under her wagon. it was weird seeing a recent picture of him, almost in the same way its weird seeing a recent picture of an ex. i remember how jarring it was the first time i looked at Nam's myspace a couple years back to see what he looked like then after i hadn't seen him for 8 months. i haven't seen jimmy in seven months and the last time i saw a recent picture of him was a couple months ago. i still feel a lot of the anger and rage in me that i did now that i've seen that, but its not as strong. part of that may be because carly isn't listed as being in a relationship on facebook anymore. (yay for the stalker feed. if u have facebook, u know what i'm talking about.) this could mean they broke it up, or that she just simply took that information off of her profile. i'm not sure, i didn't really look.

it could also be, tho, cuz even tho i'm hurt and i'm angry and that fucking stupid boy, i know that when albert comes home in an hour or two from work i'm going to get to see him, i'm going to get to hold him close and tell him i love him. i'm going to get to spend time with him, a guy who treats me right, a guy that's honest with me. so far the only things he's really lied to me about were why he'd get shy around me when we used to get stoned together before he told me he liked me in september, and he lied about whether or not he's tried meth before. (apparently its been 3 times and i don't know when the last time he did it was, but it had to have been at least over a year ago, i know that) when the second one came out, i was really hurt and he could tell. he asked if i was mad and i said no, cuz i wasn't, i was just...hurt. really really hurt. disappointed i guess, too, cuz he hasn't told cyn but he thinks she knows cuz the guy he did it with all three times would talk about it around them sometimes. it was so hard for me not to cry, and all i could say was, "i want to trust you, i really want to trust you." he knows about my experiences with meth, that much he does know about my ex and his fucked up family, and i just told him that if he kept something like that from me again and i found out, that may whatever god the prays to help him. i told him that i'm the type of person that likes to know shit when it happens- not this, "oh i told u a year later cuz i thought u wouldn't be as upset" bullshit, WHEN IT HAPPENS! i told him that if he tried to pull that shit with me i'd still be pissed and in not so many words that if he did that he probably wouldn't come out of the conversation looking as pretty as he did coming into it. i'm tired of men lying to me and keeping things from me and jimmy is just another one of those fucking guys, another one that fucked up and only further enforced this idea in my mind that men can not be trusted.

i feel so bad for albert because i really can't trust him with all my heart, but at least i've made enough progress that i'm not constantly suspicious of him either. he's honest to me about when he smokes cigarettes. he's honest to me about his feelings, thoughts, everything else. if i ask him, he'll tell me. with somethings, like smoking, i wish i didn't have to ask him and he'd just tell me, but i can't let myself freak out over things like that anymore and so far i'm not and i'm so fucking proud of myself for that, too, even tho i'm still scared and i'm still waiting for the moment when i open myself up too much and he hurts me and i just freak out.

blah, this was supposed to be a short entry and i've found myself ranting again. anyway, i was still really happy to see that carly wasn't listed as in a relationship anymore as facebook told me, but seeing a picture of jimmy again...i mean, i don't feel all that hate and dispare wallowing up in myself like i used to, but that might also have to do with some stuff carly told me...i know i haven't posted about that yet, n i would now if this entry wasn't already so fucking long. i need to get back into writing short ones again, haha.

but yeah, i'm gonna go nap a bit until albert comes home. hopefully i'll feel better then. writing this entry has made me feel slightly emotional now.

sex related things to do before i die:

• have sex while stoned

i don't really know what to write about, but i figure i should write something, even tho as always, when i start posting entries about how happy i am, no one comments, lol. anyway, i guess that really is all i have to talk about, is how happy i am. cyn is still back home with her family, so i've spent pretty much the whole week with albert and its been awesome. there's so many little things he does that remind me how much i love him that i can't remember them all, and at the same time he's sure to make sure i never think he's perfect. i don't mean like he acts like an asshole or anything, but its something that we've talked about. he doesn't want me to think he's perfect because he's scared that when he fucks up it'll hurt me really bad, and i told him he should be scared. anyone who really knows me knows that that's true. i've been really careful about the things that i've told him and what i've trusted him with so far because i know that if i tell him about the whole ptsd thing and if he slips up and we watch a movie with rape in it or something and he didn't tell me first, it'll be really fucking bad and to be honest, i don't have the faith in him that he'd remember that kind of thing in a movie. Nam never did. fuck, he didn't even tell me about the tree scene or the molesting in the evil dead movies! and that fucker was WITH ME when all that shit was really bad and all the symptoms developed and...yeah...so if he couldn't do it, i don't know why i should expect albert to. i mean, last night we watched American History X. it was my first time seeing it, but not is first, and there's a scene in the movie where edward norton's character is in prison and he gets ass-raped in the shower...for some reason rape scenes in movies that involve men don't get to me the way the ones with women do, probably because i'm a woman that got raped over and over, not a man, but it still bothered me and being stoned deffinately helped it not hurt me as much...but yeah, since albert doesn't know about any of that stuff i have no reason to be mad at him about that, whereas if he did i probably would be. i know logically to most ppl that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it does to my stupid crazy brain.

anyway, back to happy stuff...its funny because i have a new room mate now and i'm like never home because i've been with albert this whole time, but when cyn comes back i want to give them some alone time, especially because i'm on my period and i'm not really interested in sex right now, so i can sleep by myself and organize my room and such at home and hang out with them during the day for a while, and then when school starts i know i won't be here NEARLY as much cuz if i was then the three of us, or at least me and albert, would never get anything done. i remember when i was over here during finals, all the two of us would do is flirt and stuff, lol :P

speaking of sex... we didn't last night, but i think like three of the past six nights we've spent with each other alone we've gotten stoned and had sex. that's not the only reason we got stoned, but we'd still be stoned when we were going to bed and then we'd have sex before we went to sleep. it makes me feel so much closer to him emotionally, like i just get lost in him. its almost like i forget that he's there entirely, and then i remember. it makes for a really intense emotional experience, but its not like we need to be stoned to feel that, either. we've been having sex in the mornings, too, when we've woken up, and its still awesome and its still beautiful and its just...i mean, shit, SEX MEANS SOMETHING!! for the first time in my life, SEX MEANS SOMETHING!! it took 8 guys for me to experience it, but i'm so glad that i am now. i feel like i really know what the meaning of making love is now and i can feel it when we do it, i really can. (yeah yeah, hippy emotional bullshit, get over it.) not only that, but this is the most sex i've ever had in my life. after we first had sex we did it everyday for 5 days in a row, the most i'd ever done, and then we skipped a day, had sex again, skipped another day and then i got a UTI (urinary tract infection.) we didn't have sex for about 10 days after that because i needed the infection to go away and we seperated for the break, but after him and cyn picked me up from santa clara n we went to his parents' house in fresno, (actually its in kingsberg, but fresno's the closest big city to that), i promised i'd be quiet and we had sex then, and we've had sex at least once a day everyday since then up to yesterday because my period started. i mean, i do get really horny during my period, but there's two reasons i choose not to have sex during my period:
1) my flows are usually pretty heavy, and since i'm usually really wet during sex anyway, the two together basically over-lube my vagina so i don't really feel anything. the guys usually seem to be able to pick up enough friction to enjoy it anyway, but i barely can, and i especially can't if we're using a condom because just about all of those come already lubed, too.
2) since my flows are usually pretty heavy, (they ALWAYS were REALLY heavy before i started the pill), its just really messy to have sex on my period and i really don't feel like cleaning that shit up.

my period started yesterday morning and i hadn't noticed until we'd already had sex once because when i got off of him and took the condom off, i noticed there was some blood on it. its not that i've never bled during sex, but we weren't doing anything hard core (i was on top of him) and whenever i bleed during sex, i usually know it because, well, it hurts. usually not enough to tell the guy to stop, but enough to draw a little bit of blood. this time it didn't hurt at all, so i knew it was probably just my period. i told albert that i thought it had started and we just cuddled in bed naked for a while...which turned into grinding...which turned into some discussion as to whether or not we should have sex again. i really wanted to, but the problem was that even tho my period had just started, i could already feel that i was wet enough that if we used a condom, i'd be lucky if i felt anything. however, if we didn't use a condom, could i trust that albert would be able to pull out before he climaxed?

we layed there and talked about it and why i'm not sure i'm ready to have a guy cum in my vagina yet and such, and ultimately i decided that it was ok to have sex without a condom and if he didn't manage to pull out before cumming that i would be ok with it, but i really really wanted him to try. he said ok, and then we started having sex in the spooning position.

now its time for me to back up a little bit and explain a couple things. first off, albert has a lot of piercings. if i ever get around to posting a picture of him and cyn, you'll see that. the thing is, they're not just in his face. he also has his nipples pierced, two scrotal rings, and yes, albert has a prince albert, or PA. this is the piercing that goes from the underside of the head where the foreskin connects to it and into the urethra and then out, (i'm sure if u do a google image search, u'll see one). so yes, my boyfriend has a ring on the end of his cock that i've had an interesting time getting used to when i give him head. it was kind of annoying at first, but i'm starting to learn how to play with it now and stuff, which is pretty much the reason why he got it in the first place. the thing is, the only time albert and i had had sex with out a condom up to this point was when we did anal for the first time a couple mornings ago, and yeah, i could feel his ring and it kind of hurt. (we showered after that to make sure his piercing was clean and everything.) so secondly, yesterday morning was the first time i had sex with albert without a condom. sure, i am on birth control, but we get condoms from planned parenthood for free and i like the extra caution. i know i wouldn't enjoy sex as much if i was always worried that i was pregnant, and i've been especially worried about it this month because 1) my pills came a week late so i started this new pack a week late and because 2) the antibiotics from my UTI make the pill not work. i figured tho that because my period had now started, but would be ok not to use a condom especially if he pulled out. i know that it's possible for a girl to get pregnant while she's on her period, (and if u didn't know that, yes its true), and i know its possible to get pregnant even using the "pull out method," but i figure that if i use that with the pill then i'm probably ok.

and it was weird.

we actually ended up having sex twice- the first time he jizzed on my back, the second time on my stomach- and i could feel his ring the whole fucking time. i'd never felt it before because i guess the condom just makes it feel like its another part of his cock, but as wet as i was, i could tell what that damn thing was and where it was. and it was really weird. i'm not sure if i like the way it feels or not...it kinda hurt, but it kinda didn't at the same time. i had the same experience with it when we did anal, except then i couldn't feel it as well. i didn't think i'd be able to feel it, i have no idea why, but i just didn't. i told albert all this sometime afterward, and he said that the first time him and cyn had sex without a condom when it was fully healed, they did it doggy style and, "ooooooohhhh did she fall in love with me all over again." XD and yes, we did shower afterwards to clean ourselves up and again to make sure his piercings were all nice and clean. we didn't have sex this morning even tho we did want to cuz i didn't want to make a mess, (we actually did get a little blood on the sheets yesterday :/), and we didn't have enough time to do it in the shower before he had to go to work. he said maybe when he gets back, but we'll see, lol.

right now i'm at his apartment because i'm a dumbass and i can't find cyn's spare key that he let me borrow so i can leave and lock the door when i do. when he gets back here he needs to clean the place for cyn anyway, so after that i can go and clean up some shit around my place and then i can come back and hang out  here again. i kinda wanna sleep in my own bed tonight, but like i said, i also want to give him and cyn some alone time themselves so maybe i'll wait until tomorrow night to sleep by myself. its not that i don't love him, its just that sometimes u need time to yourself, u know? n hopefully he won't be too mad at me about that key...:/

so since albert told me he has a crush on me in september, its basically allowed him to lower his defenses. as he put it, he's bascially naked around me now. because of that, i've gradually been able to lower my defenses around him, too, something that only this semester i was able to learn to control. cyn on the other hand i have always kind of had a thing for, at least physically...there's a lot of make out sessions and what not that i haven't had the chance to post about on here, but i always thought it was just for fun. so when she told me she likes me over thanksgiving break, it was kind of surprising... n i know i posted a little bit about that a while ago. it  scared me at first cuz i thought they'd want a threesome or something n i wasn't sure if that was something i was comfortable with.

 

long story short, this past sunday albert picked me up from my place to go hang out with him n cyn. in the car on the way there it came up and he asked me if it was weird that i know they both like me n i said yeah kinda, n that part of that is because i'm scared they'll expect things of me that i'm not sure i'm comfortable with. we talked about it a little bit, and then we ate dinner n just hung out. Me and albert started drinking n watching movies afterward and i think out of the four movies our drunk asses played, he watched maybe half of one and i saw just enough to get what was going on. We spent the whole time talking- about how we felt, what we thought, just everything about the whole situation. he told me that him and cyn had been considering getting a girlfriend for a while and i was actually really amazed that every concern i had, ranging from what if he got me pregnant to the plainly obvious what if this fucks up your/our relationship, was something they'd talked about before.

 

fast forward to last night (trust me, there's a fun story in there i wish i had the time to get into), the three of us sat and talked and yeah...they'd been wanting a gf for like two years and we just talked about everything, emotional investment, the fact that i have somethings to work on, what if i like somebody else, pregnancy, all of it...cyn even brought up a conversation that i'd had with her that i didn't remember until she brought it up last semester sometime when i said that i don't care if other ppl want to be in polygamous relationships, but its not something i'd ever be a part of (she said that made her sad XD) well...joke's on me cuz now they have a girlfriend...and I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!! AND A GIRLFRIEND!!!

 

this didn't really hit me until like four or five hours ago even tho i guess my part in this relationship started last night, and i'm scared shitless. i'm scared i'll ruin their relationship or ruin our friendship and i'm scared to get attached when all its ever done is hurt me. one thing that i mentioned last night is that now that i've finally learned how to not attach myself to ppl so easily, its like now i'm in a situation that i have to get attached again. i'm also scared cuz i mean... i've fooled around in some form or another (including giving just a hand job) with...12 different guys (7 of them i had sex with). of those 12, 2 were boyfriends and even then it only ever meant anything with Nam, my last boyfriend, and him and i never had vaginal intercourse so that means this:

 

of the 12 guys that i have had some sort of sexual contact with, it only ever meant anything with one of them and that was two years and...four months ago, and of the 7 guys i've had sex with, its never meant anything with any of them. This is the first time in my life that sex might actually mean something, the first time in the four years and four months since i lost my virginity. and only the second time anything sexual has meant anything to me with a guy...i guess its scary cuz as with everything else in my life, look at how much getting attached, especially when it comes to sex and men, has hurt me? i even talked to cyn and albert about all of this and he was really understanding... and he said it was cute, hehe.

 

the fact is tho, we're all scared right now, none of us are really sure what we're doing...and at the same time, i just can't stop smiling. I have a BOYFRIEND and a GIRLFRIEND. i'm loved, i'm happy, i'm scared, and i just feel great about the future right how. its so weird!

 

its amazing how something so simple can make u feel so amazing once u stop n think about it... no matter how fucking scary it can be at the same time. For the first time in a long time I can say that yeah, a lot of things really suck right now, but in this moment I am happy...happy...

06-07-2007 13:15:17

 

Sometimes I wish friends were never allowed to have boyfriends. No matter what happens or what I go through, my friend only seems to care about her boyfriend or any other guy for that matter. I am tired of being her pillow to caught her when she fall, just to be shunned and ignored when she is happy. But, how can I tell her this and make her understand when no matter what I do, she just doesn't listen? I have already tried twice, but it's like she doesn't care. God, this is hard!!!

 

Love from,

 

Amanda