Boyfriends @ MindSay

I'm a very common girl. I'm not going to bring to light my personal details and describe how do I look like (just in case). Well, I don't think that I'm something special but I like some things about my appearance. (:


As the majority of teenage girls (and a little less of boys) I often think about if life has any sense and I'm scared of knowing the answer.
Anyway, I like it. I like life.


I'm now in the first class at High School. I don't know what else to say about it... hm I've been attending to the Salesian School before... for like, 9 years ;) I've had so enough of it for the last two years... As for 14/15 years old girl there were too many strict rules. I've been stressed so much whenever I wasn't prepared for a lesson. And if I have to be honest that school makes me feel like I know nothing about what life is like.
That's why I really like High School ;). It's so different. It's so normal... Although I thought at first that it's a little boring. But it's start hotting up ;).


I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had in fact. I guess I've never met someone that I would be really in love with. So I don't have much of the experience... In Primary School I really like a guy that in fact I didn't even know so good. And whatever feeling it was that I had towards him, I remember it was a strong feeling. I felt my heart bitting like crazy and I was breathing shallow. It had been like that for three years. I thought it was love then.

After that, at Junior High there were two guys I was interested in and, unlike to the last time, they were interested in me too. And you know what? I guess that's why it didn't work out! I remember as after I get to know them I get bored... I knew they like me very much. I would talk with them for hours. I would innocently flirt with them too, it's normal when it goes about attractive boys, isn't it? But after some time I always found out that though I really like them, they don't make my heart bit faster. I don't think about them for hours. There's nothing

And that's it as for my love chapter. Well, maybe there was one guy an year ago that I really wanted to know better, but there's nothing to talk about because, again, I could only giving him a dreamy stare.
Isn't all of my love stories sad?


Anyway, let's go on...
My family. Let's not drag on about it. Sometimes I hate it. My parents to be exact. Recently I've been beating my brains out to understand how three people (I'm including me now) can be so different? Two married  people and their child. How can they not have anything in common? Really, I can't talk with them. I've been with them for this winter holidays in Spain. I've never felt so ... emotionally dead tired just because of someone's BEING. [!]
  TALKING about tripe (my mum).
        BEHAVING so disgustingly (my dad).
                  GRIPING.
                                   SNORING ( O.x)

MAYBE it's just me, maybe it's normal as I'm in this rebellious - almost 17 years old - age. It's just that I can't find common ground with them. They can't even do it between the two of them. I see how my mum is unhappy with him. I see how selfish and tyrranical he is towards her. Pathology...

I also have a sister and she's great. But she's now studying 400 km far away from me.



Maybe I'll edit finish this post later but publish it now, because I don't know how to start writing a new draft :D Bye for now ;)

I adore Scooter so much.

I somehow ended up being 'big-sister' and 'advising counselor' to a curious percentage of the girls on staff this year. Scooter, it's an even closer bond, with many factors building up to it.

She's friends with my sister. She's my sister's age (so when I'm missing Didi, I end up being even more sisterly to her). She's remarkably unique, straightforward, and trusting. She comes to me when she's had her heart hurt again by another guy who she thought liked her, and I hug her and let her cry. We lived together for four weeks this summer, two of them as co-counselors. I end up covering for a lot of her goofs. She loves Jesus like a little kid. Wedominate at camp night games, like British Bulldogs and Counselor Hunt, and get really excited about them together. There's a whole deeper and really smart person inside her, but most people get so caught up with what's on the surface that they never think that it might not go to the core.

Scooter's got the never-had-a-boyfriend blues. Comes up every so often. Over the summer, I had the thought-this-was-the-one-and-we-broke-up-so-now-I-never-want-another-boyfriend blues. Somehow, while these should have clashed, they meshed.

I seem to pick up a curious collection of friends who view the world rather oddly. Scooter says that she has no common sense, but that's not it - I know she does. When something comes up, she's actually tough and gets things done. When someone needs her to be smart, she's actually tutoring them. But most of the time, she's fluffy sparkles and rainbows.

For example, tonight's conversation.

S: "ARGH!!! BOYS!!!"
P: :) "Now what?"
S: "Really?? Sometimes I wanna punch 'em in the face!"
S: "But then they wouldn't be as cute."
P: "Please don't punch boys." :)
P: "It's not a good idea."
S: "I know."
S: "Really, you're like, "Hey, I think I might like you," and then they ignore you."
P: "Ah."

It is at this point that I'm trying to figure out how to graciously say, "Let the guys initiate, they'll be happier, and you'll be happier," without whacking her over the head with it, and be ready in case she's really upset, when she responds,

S: "Next time we play counselor hunt, I'm dressing up like Waldo."

Random topic jumps are standard, but this made me laugh more than usual.

     So I'm dating a man right now who has all that life can buy for him..except of course, an honest relationship.

He has a dog that's just a pet, and is recovering from a poisoning incident. One of her hind legs is not recovering, that is the "use of"..

I know tha if she dosen't recover, he'll put her down. Would have already done so if not for me trying to re-hab her.

 

The question is, if indeed he does put her down, how do I reconcile the fact that he could have done more for her..

and if he does put her down, he wants my help getting another dog

..the really hard part is that I'm still a bit fragile about having to put Thia down last Feburary--so it's VERY HARD for me to be objective at this time..and I really need some clarity

I'm going to the IHS 2008 Fall Homecoming.  How is it that when I was a High School student, I couldn't even get a date at all? but now, that I'm going to ICC: I get invited?  I'm going with a long time friend who's just a sweetheart.  I made sure he knew it wasn't a date.  Because, I love him, but just not THAT way.

 

Speaking of love...  Gaige comes down this weekend.  I'm not going to Shawnee, so if he's not going to OK either, we'll probably be hanging out.  I'm so far removed from this that I feel capable to talk to him without having my weird feelings get in the way.  He's a great guy; and I've totally forgiven and forgotten the standing in the rain thing.  Why carry that with me?  It's not like we're dating, so what's the big deal?  He did try; just not hard enough! =]  I think we're hanging out at the Game on Friday.  Who knows.  I'm totally lost when it comes to him. 

 

If he comes over on Saturday, my mom's threatening to make him a Brisket, and my dad may scare him away from even talking to me, let-alone being my friend.  Who knows.  I don't care, but yet I'd hate to lose a friend because of my uhh, overbearing father.

 

It happens. 

 

As does reconnecting with an old best friend.  I still don't feel like she and I are really able to be BFF's again.  Too much, er, drama, too much something... seems like anger towards eachother.  I don't know... there's a lot of things and people I blame.  But mostly myself...  something could have been done!  It seems that everytime I talk to her we gossip.  I feel so heartless and mean when we get talking.  I don't know what's going on these days...

 

It happens.

 

It's also the first day of Fall.  The Autumnal Equinox and all that rot.  I wore shorts today. 

 

It happens!

 

The new House of Heroes CD, "The End Is Not The End," comes out tomorrow.  I'm listening to it right now. =]  I love pre-orders!  Got the shirt and everything.  So far my favorite song is Baby's A Red, which I just found out is about being in love with a Communist. =]  Hey...

 

It happens.

 

Merry week of specialness and grandure.

i saw a picture of raver jimmy on facebook a bit ago. not on perpose and not cuz i was looking for it. there's a new Oregon Trail application on there where u can "recruit" ppl from ur friend list and then they're in your wagon and one of the ppl on my friend list had him listed under her wagon. it was weird seeing a recent picture of him, almost in the same way its weird seeing a recent picture of an ex. i remember how jarring it was the first time i looked at Nam's myspace a couple years back to see what he looked like then after i hadn't seen him for 8 months. i haven't seen jimmy in seven months and the last time i saw a recent picture of him was a couple months ago. i still feel a lot of the anger and rage in me that i did now that i've seen that, but its not as strong. part of that may be because carly isn't listed as being in a relationship on facebook anymore. (yay for the stalker feed. if u have facebook, u know what i'm talking about.) this could mean they broke it up, or that she just simply took that information off of her profile. i'm not sure, i didn't really look.

it could also be, tho, cuz even tho i'm hurt and i'm angry and that fucking stupid boy, i know that when albert comes home in an hour or two from work i'm going to get to see him, i'm going to get to hold him close and tell him i love him. i'm going to get to spend time with him, a guy who treats me right, a guy that's honest with me. so far the only things he's really lied to me about were why he'd get shy around me when we used to get stoned together before he told me he liked me in september, and he lied about whether or not he's tried meth before. (apparently its been 3 times and i don't know when the last time he did it was, but it had to have been at least over a year ago, i know that) when the second one came out, i was really hurt and he could tell. he asked if i was mad and i said no, cuz i wasn't, i was just...hurt. really really hurt. disappointed i guess, too, cuz he hasn't told cyn but he thinks she knows cuz the guy he did it with all three times would talk about it around them sometimes. it was so hard for me not to cry, and all i could say was, "i want to trust you, i really want to trust you." he knows about my experiences with meth, that much he does know about my ex and his fucked up family, and i just told him that if he kept something like that from me again and i found out, that may whatever god the prays to help him. i told him that i'm the type of person that likes to know shit when it happens- not this, "oh i told u a year later cuz i thought u wouldn't be as upset" bullshit, WHEN IT HAPPENS! i told him that if he tried to pull that shit with me i'd still be pissed and in not so many words that if he did that he probably wouldn't come out of the conversation looking as pretty as he did coming into it. i'm tired of men lying to me and keeping things from me and jimmy is just another one of those fucking guys, another one that fucked up and only further enforced this idea in my mind that men can not be trusted.

i feel so bad for albert because i really can't trust him with all my heart, but at least i've made enough progress that i'm not constantly suspicious of him either. he's honest to me about when he smokes cigarettes. he's honest to me about his feelings, thoughts, everything else. if i ask him, he'll tell me. with somethings, like smoking, i wish i didn't have to ask him and he'd just tell me, but i can't let myself freak out over things like that anymore and so far i'm not and i'm so fucking proud of myself for that, too, even tho i'm still scared and i'm still waiting for the moment when i open myself up too much and he hurts me and i just freak out.

blah, this was supposed to be a short entry and i've found myself ranting again. anyway, i was still really happy to see that carly wasn't listed as in a relationship anymore as facebook told me, but seeing a picture of jimmy again...i mean, i don't feel all that hate and dispare wallowing up in myself like i used to, but that might also have to do with some stuff carly told me...i know i haven't posted about that yet, n i would now if this entry wasn't already so fucking long. i need to get back into writing short ones again, haha.

but yeah, i'm gonna go nap a bit until albert comes home. hopefully i'll feel better then. writing this entry has made me feel slightly emotional now.