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I like Fucking
Unofficially over with boyfriend. He "had better things to do than drag my ass accross town" and help me move when I had no one else.

Tried stripping. Made 80 dollars. Not an overly successful night. Might try again although it disgusts me looking back.

I feel numb. Life doesn't feel real. So does anything I do really matter?

Fucking my roommate. Fucked another guy I'm dating. Dating a guy from work. Amazing what happens when you open up to possibilities and stop giving a shit. I like fucking, so why not fuck?

If the boyfriend asked me to marry him I would say yes, but that's all theoretical. Hypothetical. Imagination. It would be silly for him to ask that now, but that would be the "Iwannabewithyou" notion I NEED from him. But... not getting it So. Yeah.

Keep on fuckin'! Not sure how long to wait til I decide to talk to him and tell him it's over. He has always come to me eventually, but we'll see.
 
 
   
 

Lost my job and potentially my boyfriend, considering stripping.
I lost my job. No reason except the end of 3 months. They mentioned in a conversation about the time I tried to have two jobs at once. Seems like a stupid reason to terminate such a good employee, but whatever. It was stressful working there and the job required way too much work for one person, but it was still less stressful than not having a job.

My credit card bill is almost 2000. I just keep spending to... cope, I guess. With my boyfriend acting weird, with losing my job, with being in a new city with not a single friend and the one person who's supposed to support you being ultimately critical....

I'm here til Oct 31. Halloween. Then.... I don't know.

I'm considering working as an entertainer, so I can pay my bills... student loans coming up, to avoid moving back home. I can't even get a job at fucking tim hortons. Overqualified, am I, or what??!

I do not want to go home. Home means failure. And I don't want to live with my mom again.

I also miss my favourite cousin who died several years ago, but I still cry whenever I think about how I'll never see him again...

Oh and my boyfriend and I are on a "break". Is he still called my boyfriend if we're on a break? I don't know. Whatever. "Time to think". Well he should do some thinking, for sure. I wish he'd listen to me. I feel like I can see him from the outside and he can't see himself from the inside... You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. This article made a lot of sense to me : http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200904/living-angry-partner 

I don't even know why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping to hear...whatever 2.0

There's always something....

 
 
 

   
But a battered Rose...
Why hello there. I am aware that I haven't posted an actual blog for a very long time. Therefore, this will probably be long. Feel free to just skim through, this is just to catch everyone up on my life, for the few of you that have cared. And here, we begin.

The last full entry I made, I believe was when I was marrying Jake. Well guess what, life isn't a fairy tale and I had to leave him. As soon as we started living together, he turned into a total dick. He always put booze before food and got sloppy drunk every chance he got. He was verbally and sometimes physically abusive and, as I'm a no bullshit kind of person, I didn't take that and walked out. Yesterday was my one year anniversary of leaving him, and I have never regretted it. 

Since then, I have dated a few guys. Some were actually hot, too. Right now, I have my sights set on a local rock star and he seems to have an interest in me as well, considering he drives an hour every weekend just to see me. He is, by far, the hottest guy I know. Yay me! He is strong. I know this because he fights me. I love to fight, and he's a pretty even match and doesn't go easy on me like most guys would. He's fit, pierced, bold, and smart. And we can talk about philosophy for hours. He is almost as intelligent as I am, so talking is always interesting, but we can still have fun, silly conversations. He's in the process of writing a duet for us and has agreed to let me tattoo him once I get my equipment. And he is okay with...

I have discovered a new side to myself. His name is Oliver. Sometimes I'm not a female when I wake up. Sometimes, I feel like a man and my attitude reflects that. I've been practicing to be in a drag show (yes, drag kings are an actual thing) as Oliver and I think it'll be a blast. I'm working on an Avenged Sevenfold song right now.

My Chemical Romance broke up. I cried for about three weeks and I still have small anxiety attacks when I listen to them sometimes. I never got to see them live, and now I never will. There are some lyrics of theirs that just slam me with feels now and it hurts. RIP MCR. *sad face*

I had a roommate awhile ago, but she kicked me out. Then I got kicked out again. So now I'm back living at my mom's house, after living in 5 different places over the past year and a half. I'm starting over in my home town, hoping to work my way out of it and become something more than this.

I feel like that's all I need to include in this. Any of you that have missed me, come say hi!


 
 
   
 

i hate me for breathing without you
Who was the last person or object you shared beds with?
Jake =]

What was your last fight about and with who?
My sister, because she's just mean.

Where was your default picture was taken?
my bedroom

Do you consider yourself a neat freak?
not in any way, shape, or form.

Do you have anyones clothes?
somewhere in here...

Do you have a fish tank?
no, but i have 3 in Happy Aquarium on Facebook!!!!


Last place you took a plane to?
California

Would you tell a stranger if they had spinach in their teeth?
nope.

If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?
no, i'd be happy!

What is your preferred method of birth control?
mosh pits=miscarriages.
kidding! how about condoms?

Have you ever lied about your age?
nope.

Ever had an encounter with the police?
a few

Last time you went out of town?
this morning?

Whose car were you in last?
jill's

Who do you most look like in your family?
my cousin

Have you kissed someone with braces?
yeah

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
only because i'm never wrong

Do you like to travel by plane?
nope, not really.

Did you get enough sleep last night?
not even close..

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
yes

Has anyone ever hung up on you?
yeah, not that i care. i hate phones.

Looking forward to something this weekend?
hopefully seeing Jake again.

Has anyone smoked in your car?
i don't have a car.

Do you have any bruises?
yes.

Do you find piercings attractive?
HELL YES

Who was the last person you sat next to?
my dog

What is the worst subject they teach at school?
all math beyond simple algebra and geometry.

If you had 100 dollars to spend on clothes, where would you go to shop?
in a thrift store.

Do long distance relationships work?
nope.

How do you earn money?
prostitution and selling drugs.

Where were you raised?
here and over there.

What is on your bed right now?
me, my computer, stuffed animals, blankets, pillows.

Do you name your stuffed animals?
some of them, if i can think of names that fit.

What's the last sporting event you watched?
Packers/Cardinals game :(

Ever collected unemployment?
no

Your parents tell you they're moving to Mexico:
together? nuh uh!

Do you think you are an argumentative person?
yes.

Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
rottweiler

What jewelry do you wear all the time?
all these bracelets and ear rings and nose ring

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?
nope.

Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
you know it!

Are your ears gauged?
a little

How did you feel when you woke up today?
super duper happy face waking up next to the man of my dreams =]

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
at a stripper's garage sale

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
yeah, this morning, yesterday, and the night before. and a few others...

What do you usually do first in the morning?
wake up.

What are you doing tonight?
sleeping alone.
 
 
 

   
but the further i go, i wanna go home.
i shall begin this blog entry by saying that i'm a whore.
       i have a new boyfriend. he's super nice to me and respectful and sweet and he gets it. the problem is that he lives a couple hours away and he can't visit me very often. together, we set up my friend with his friend and they're already super happy. he's 20 and homeless and he fights on the street to make money.
       there's also another guy. he's been the other guy for like a year and a half, but never the main guy. he's fun to be with, we have lots in common, he's a great kisser, and he really gets it. the problem is that he's on probation and can't even know i exist. he's also 20 and he has a girlfriend.
       there's also another other guy. he's super cute and sweet and innocent and creative and such a gentleman and he gets it. the problem is that he also lives far away and can't visit. he's 15 and i met him at the renaissance festival.
       i've been thinking seriously about packing up and leaving for California. guy #2 would be the most fun and the most willing, if he didn't have a girlfriend. but guy #1 will work if i really need to leave, since he's got nothing to loose. and he's already mine, so no worries there. but if i have to leave alone, i will. possibly even drop out of high school, depending on how much shit sucks between now and whenever i graduate.
       yup. fuck having options. honestly, though, i wish option #2 was even an option. damnit.
 
 
   
 

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