Boyfriend @ MindSay

My boyfriend and I are going away tomorrow.  I think it'll be good for us.  He wanted to surprise so he booked a hotel at one of my favorite vacation spots.  We'll be staying overnight on the 3rd.  I want this relationship to work so I need to start putting more into it.

I still think of the other guy and miss him at work.  I'd be lying if I said didn't.  I haven't really heard from him.  I sent a myspace message last week and he sent back a one line sentance on Saturday.  So I didn't respond and have decided not to contact him.  He doesn't care about me like that anyway.  I need to move on and focus on what I have.

I told my boyfriend that my drinking has gotten out of control again and he said he will support me and go with me to meetings.  I dread having to stop again because I know it will be really hard and I will get pissed off becasue other people can drink but I can't because I have a problem.  I bought a 12 pk of beer yesterday and I have two small mini wine bottles.  Once that is done, probably by Saturday I am done and will go back on the damn Antibuse.  Having an addiction sucks.

I have not been a good person lately.  I have been crappy to my boyfriend behind his back and I have drinking and smoking cigarettes way to much.  I need to stop and get control of my life again.  I don't want things spiraling out of control.  So much of my anxiety is seeing myself getting older and losing my youth.  I often wonder where the time went.  I don't like growing, it's not that fun but I have no control over it.  I need to not analyze everything and get worked up.  I need to stop drinking again- it makes me miserable and depressed.

Even though my emotions seem to change by the hour- one thing I know is true.  I love my boyfriend but I'm not "in love" with him.  He's wonderful and treats me better than anyone I've ever been with.  I enjoy talking to him and we always have a good time.  But I feel something is missing.  I don't know if I need a break or should just break it off.  I don't want to date again- I'm too old.  All the men now are either divorced, permanent playboys and/or have kids and I don't want any part of that.  I just feel like I'm going through with the motions but lacking.  I just don't know what to do anymore because he is such an important person in my life, without him I would feel lost and alone.  Am I just fooling myself?

I don't know what to think right now.  Last night the other guy showed up at my house, no call, no email he just showed up.  I told him he can't just show up unannounced- what if my bf was there.  I should have told him to go but I didn't.  He stayed an hour and we fooled around some more.  He again reiterated that he doesn't want to date me.  I don't know why he keeps telling me this because I am not going to leave my boyfriend for him anyway. 

The issue I am struggling now is that I want to tell him I shouldn't see him again but I'm afraid he'll somehow tell my bf and that can't happen.  Or I have the one time with him and tell him it's over.  I just don't know what he'll do either way.  I don't want to lose my relationship.  God I really fucked things up royally.

Wow, i had the most amazing conversation with Justin last night. He really proved his love for me. He's the perfect guy for me, he knows exactly what to say and when to say it, he knows how to make me feel special. He tells me that i'm the prettiest girl he's ever seen. I know that's not true, but it still makes me happy to hear him say it.

 

I remember the first time we started talking. It was almost four months ago. He was at university. I knew from the minute i saw him and heard his voice that i was going to fall for him. We talked for a few weeks before anything really progressed, although we both knew that we loved eachother, he wasn't sure how it would all work. But i knew from the start that everything would be okay.

I remember i would stay up all night talking to him, and he'd stay up waiting for me to come on before i went to work. That one " I love you" before i left the house, made my day.

We did have a few disagreements but here we are four months later.

 

I dream about him all the time. I would love to lay with him, on the grass at night watching the stars sparkle in the sky, my arms wrapped around his body, him whispering into my ear that he loves me and me not being to help but smile. Then him leaning over me to gently press his lips against mine, my heart beating so fast almost skipping a beat. Then i would lay my head on his chest, listening to him breathing, hands intertwined.

 

Ah, i guess i've always been abit of a dreamer. I'm just so in love with this boy. He's amazing, he's loving, kind, helpful, cute, everything you could possibly want in a boyfriend.

 

I love him with all my heart and nothing is going to change that.