Borderline Personality Disorder @ MindSay

I hate having boarderline personality disorder. It's like I'm some alien while the rest of the world is just normal. They don't understand me, so they give up trying. I'm tired of expaining myself and how i am to everyone, they don't get it. They don't get it bcuz i dont explain things well at all. I don't know- i used to be happy in my situaton. No... you know what it is? I feel like im taking advantage of what my boss has offered me. Im afraid if she finds out that im at work when we arent even open, on the computer, she would get mad. I don't relly know, tohugh. So that's why I clean a lot on my days off, so i don't feel as bad using the washer to wash my clothes (im homeless. She doesn't know.) I wonder what would really even go through her mind seeing me cleaning here when we aren't open, us both knowing i wouldn't be getting paid for it. Jeez, im tired. i would pull out my tent and take a nice anp, but its too hot out. I sweat my as s off in that thing during the day. I dont know. Im just upset and depressed and don't know why.

My mother had a borderline personality disorder. This wasn’t clear to me as a child- I simply thought she was a

moody bitch who liked to throw things, threaten abandoning us, vomit after dinner, and scream at my father ( who refused to fight with her) . But as an adult therapist I began to understand: 1.] why women with  borderline personality disorders were impossible for me to treat, and 2.] that since my mother fit all the criteria, sadly, I grew up thinking her behaviors were normal. Eventually I came to be able to use myself as a barometer to measure axis 2 in clients because when I began to feel sympathetic, protective and even responsible I had better examine the possibility of BPD. Eventually I learned to set limits and function reasonably well – ok at least not get totally taken in and sucked down by them- around them.

I knew for a long time that my younger sister clearly had a PD. I assumed anti social as she had a long history of criminal and exploitative behavior.  I mean this is not a woman to whom you gave the keys to your house;  she would steal the silver. After our mother died and I spent a fair amount of time with her over funeral arrangements etc she confessed that she was diagnosed with BPD and it all fell into place. Later when it was evident that she had pilfered major money from the estate and used undue influence to get the house signed over to her I was able to successfully use my knowledge of bpd + transitional objects + idealization/rage to successfully get my fair share of the estate without insulting her or using the tactics she used… rageful scenes, threats, cajoling, tantrums etc.  It was a triumphant moment in my life to finally say I am not going to be stomped on by my families illnesses.

Why does this come up today? She has a daughter. A lovely talented woman who is graduating from an ivy this spring and I decided that now that she is “emancipated" and over 21 I would see if she wanted to resume contact. Our initial e-mails were not promising. She used a lot of the same all or nothing talk that borderlines use and  she projected all over the place.  Even blamed me for not having contact with her when she wrote me several years ago that she couldn't continue to talk to me because  of my relationship with her mother.

Since I know full well what it’s like to be raised by a borderline I wonder how this young woman can possibly have escaped wiythout serious scars? As a young woman I was prone to hysterics and drama. Not diagnosable behavior but certainly behavior that was continually modeled by my mom. Behaviors I had to work hard to stop and leave behind. And here is this young  woman who may not even KNOW  how ill her mother is and do you think I want to be the one who tells her. No way. And without that insight is she going to be able to monitor the behaviors that are learned from the ones that are hers on her own right. I mean if I wait till she is 40, hoping she figures it out by then,  I will never have a relationship with this niece, and maybe that’s for the best. Who knows.

Well im just gunna put a list of things that have been going on in the past few weeks.

-Hanging out with friends/boyfriend

-Living with my boyfriend

-Movie nights

-Boyfriend got a new motorcycle

-Got a kitten a while ago, might not have mentioned it

-Starts school on the 25th of september

-No longer have an AA sponsor, but im still clean

-Turning 18 in about 5 months <3

-My calcium, vitamin D, Iron, and some other stuff is really low, the doctors want me to take suppliments.  HA no way.

-Classified with an ED, PTSD, Bi-polar, BDD, Major depressive and anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder

-Stopped going to therapy.

- My godson Christian Sebastian Cantrell was born on 9/8/06.  Hes so fucking awesome. I cant wait to see him again.

That about sums up the past few weeks, along with some things that im looking forward to.

I hope everyone is doing well!