However, since that point in time I've yet to feel anything toward or for anybody, I've been going around having tons of people asking if I like certain girls.. but the complete honest truth is, I haven't met but one girl recently that I feel somewhat happy to be around... but the fact that she lives so far away, I mean.. seriously, just screws my plans up a lot, I've talked to her for like, the past two years or so.. but I don't really see anything happening.
As for everybody else goes, I think it's just that people in Knoxville have started to disgust me and make me hate everything about it, lately I feel like I've been stabbed in the back so many times so often, that I can't tell people anything, without fearing that it will spread to 10 other people, I have no intentions of hurting people and I definitely have some secrets that I feel some people should know, but not everybody..
sometimes I wish I had that
love feeling again, but most of the time I realize that it's more of a hurt in the end, because apparently I'm a fuck up, somebody who seems worth it at first, but later on isn't, maybe it's because I'm somewhat afraid to get into anything too deep, anything that makes me feel dedicated to another person, even though I love it so much.. I guess you could say I love everything but love itself...
I've also noticed a lot lately that people are unfriendly, unkind, unwilling, unloving.. they're so self centered, that they can't even care for another person and I know lately I've held some grudges, but it's only when somebody does something completely uncalled for...
I bought Dracula and Vampire Stories, at Borders I asked my mom if we owned Dracula and she said no, then she also added, "Who's gotten you into that?, you're supposed to be the Christian kid in the family", which struck me really weirdly, seeing as how I seem to be the only person in my family interested in Christ or Christianity in general right now, so apparently me being a Christian automatically turns me away from Fiction novels? it automatically makes me hate anything dark? it honestly makes no sense.. then later on she told me that it was "really gruesome"... seriously? I don't know what was going through her head, especially when she asked who got me into this.. I mean, I've always liked Vampires, I just never really expressed it, but last Halloween I finally did, which apparently meant that I couldn't be a free minded being.. and that it was somebody else that turned me to it.. and I've never really been sick or grossed out by violence or anything of that kind.. so I thought that was kind of interesting.
so.. for the time being, I'd just like to say that I'm trying to figure life out.
I'm also trying to figure out if I'm really just sick of relationships or if I just haven't found anybody that interests me.
until next time,
and I'm surprised I'm still alive,
Later!
Jason.
reading
