Bollywood @ MindSay

So far, my ISP has been off to a rocky start. I had planned to do a paper on changing portrayals of women and gender roles in Bollywood cinema by two directors and over the last 12 years (six years on either side of the millennium. I had been planning and researching this topic all semester—and even before the semester began. It was my fault—I had a lot of other stuff going on and a lot of worries over my other assignments and I didn't check into the schedule enough. I think I should have made far more meetings with my advisor at SIT for the project, to make sure we were on the same page with things. I haven't done this kind of fieldwork before, though I've taken a lot of anthropology, sociology and statistics.

One of my huge reasons for taking this semester was the Field Study seminar. I mistakenly thought this seminar was going to teach us about how to find an advisor, how to find a research assistant, how to make contacts, where to look for information etc. I did miss a class due to illness—perhaps the missing info was in there. The fact is, other than pure happenstance, I hadn't the faintest clue how to do these things!

I had the project all set up, I just needed to make some living arrangements and to find an advisor. I planned to use a combination of survey and interview techniques to collect data on the "dating" process in India and to see if that process has changed in the last twelve years. Additionally, I planned to analyze 7-10 movies made by two particular directors during that time period to see how portrayals of women and gender roles in the dating process had changed in these movies over time asking and answering the same questions for each movie (how are men portrayed? How are women portrayed? What is the dating process? What are the archetypical male/female heroes like? Etc).

On my surveys and in my interviews would have been similar questions about Indian culture (what is an ideal Indian woman? Man? How does "dating" work, what is the process?) By comparing the movies and actual cultural settings I could find out the relation between cinema and cultural change (they both influence each other—movies are generated to follow popular appeal but also young people tend to ape what they see in movies) and mapped the rate of cultural change as influenced by cinema and globalization.

Yes, I probably needed a bit more focus—but I still think it was a viable project. I saw several past ISPs that dealt in similar topics. With a little refining, it could have been workable.

However, in talking to my advisor, I was told that perhaps this wasn't the best topic for me, that my shyness and etc would make it difficult, that I should do something simpler...in short, that she did not believe me capable of doing the project. This was a killing blow to my already flagging self-esteem. We had three weeks until ISPs were supposed to start. For my very first attempt at research, what I needed most was to feel like my advisor was backing me and believed in me. Yes, it was a challenging project—but I felt that, with some details ironed out, that it was perfectly viable. The big thing stopping me was needing a project advisor (in addition to the SIT advisor) and a research assistant who could translate for me and transcribe my interviews giving me more time to do surveys and tabulate data. I even had the movies/directors picked out—and bought (I don't begrudge this part—I would have bought them anyway.) I also asked for recommendations for accommodation—but was perfectly capable of using my guidebook to find something.

However, when I asked for advice I was told that the field studies seminar was to give me the tools I'd need to do this myself and that I was on my own. In my disfavor, I have to say I panicked. Not only did it sound like my advisor felt me personally incapable of completing the project—but I didn't have the first clue where to start looking for these things! My advisor did try to give a few suggestions—contact the university and look for an anthropology or sociology professor to advise me (in retrospect, this was good advice, but in my panicked state I couldn't fathom how I'd even find the information to contact a professor, much less get him to work with me.) To think about people I'd met who could advise (I'd been spending so much time at home with my books I hadn't met ANYONE) and to think of the resources I had.

My hugest mistake here was panicking. I was totally freaking out and I felt like I was trying to climb a twenty foot wall with my bare hands. Some reassurance would have helped calm me down—but I shouldn't have needed to have that reassurance. I should have been able to take this advice and try the suggestions she had—I think this was part of why she felt I couldn't do the project. Unfortunately, the more she pushed me to do it with no support, the more I crumbled and I ended up in tears. I felt like I'd put in so much work and that she was rejecting the project out of hand not because the project was poor, but because she though of me as weak. In retrospect, I know she was trying to get me to stand on my own, and that I should have had the confidence to work it out. I do feel like if I had been made to feel that she supported the project I would have had more confidence—but again, I shouldn't have needed that support and that is why she told me I should try something easier and more structured.

Three days later, I had a new project set up—all of the details, the budget, etc. I planned to do a practicum in Reiki. I found a woman who agreed to take me through the levels to grand master in one month and would let me work beside her on a daily basis as her apprentice. Three more days and a weekend later, this project (which I HAD asked about before I set it up) was rejected for not being Indian enough. It is true that the man who created Reiki, though he came to India following the teachings and wanting to develop the healing skills of the Buddha, learned Sanskrit and studied Vedic literature in developing his technique, was Japanese and taught his discipline in Japan. Fair enough.

By the end of that day, I had another project in mind and was working on a third proposal. I wanted to live and travel with the Raika, nomadic camel herders near Jaisalmer. In writing my proposal I came across a website for an NGO dedicated to protecting camel husbandry. There was a name and number with a message to call for internship information. I called it. The man I talked to said that it would be no problem to set me up with a family and a research assistant—and that I should come to this conference they were having outside of Jaisalmer. Not believing my good luck, I had my host-mother call and talk to him in Hindi to make sure we weren't miscommunicating. She reported the same thing—come to this conference and he'd set me up.

This project is even more exciting than any of the previous ones! I can't sit still I'm so excited! In preparation for the trip, I went to the Pushkar camel Mela and had a wonderful time meeting some of the herders and hanging out in a hippy haven. A week later, here I am on my way to Jaisalmer! Things are finally (miraculously) working out—yay!