Body Image @ MindSay

So I have my awesome weight loss plan all worked out and I should totally be able to lose at least five of the eight hideous pounds that have attached themselves to my body. I know that for me losing weight is a little dangerous. I know my own past and I know the risks. I find myself saying that I'm not like the others. Seriously nothing ever got that bad... I know this could potentially take a very bad turn but I think it's a really slim chance. I don't think I'll end up the way I was before. It's just a few pounds. I can handle it.

just to warn u, this entry may get a little too graphic for some readers at some points. don't continue n then complain about how this that or the other blog has explicit sexual content on it. you've been warned right here.

i woke up at about 9:20 today, layed in bed making myself cum for a few minutes, tried to clean puma off some more, (he was really well behaved when i did last night, but i didn't get all of the crap out of his fur), n then i took a shower. i got out at like 10:10 n i've been hanging out nude ever since. (for u east coast ppl, its 12:30 here right now) i don't kno why, but i've always liked being naked. i kno that a lot of ppl who have self esteem issues like i do usually try to stay clothed as much as possible, but i don't. i started getting hungry a little while ago, but i still don't feel like putting clothing on so i haven't eaten yet. besides that, i was working on printing out all of the articles i need for this stupid human sexuality project...blah, with everything that's been going on i'm seriously starting to not care, which is a serious problem because i really need to bring up my major and overall GPA, and seeing as how human sexuality is a class in my major, i really need to do well in it!

anyway, between 11:10 n 11:30 three ppl called me. that never happens. n since it was hard enough for me to get myself working on this, after every call i'd just lay down on my bed n sprawl out a little bit. i don't kno why, but for some reason when i do that when i'm nude, it makes me feel beautiful. i think its because i think about when i used to do that with albert n how he'd make me feel about my body. no one has ever looked at me the way he did, not even nam. i can lay back with my arms out perpendicular to my body, my legs crossed at the ankles, feet against the wall n look up at the ceiling n remember when it was his eyes i was looking up into instead. i can remember the way it felt to lay next to him n feel his skin against mine, i remember what it was like to feel his hands run over my stomach n then over the tops of my hips n then up my back or down my butt to my thighs as we were spooning with him behind me or as i turned to face him or as we stood n held n caressed each other. i remember the way it felt to open my legs for him so he could get between them n how he kissed me n how he touched me as he began to penetrate me, n then of course i remember that smile, the way he'd smile at me and look at me as we were making love.

when you have sex with someone, they look at you differently. i don't even mean afterwards, i mean while you're doing it, and i don't just mean sex in terms of vaginal intercourse. i mean all of it- manual, oral, anal, or even just dry humping. there's certain looks they give u, if they even look at u at all. i'll never forget about three or four days after we started having sex n albert looked at me n smiled, not that horny, in the moment sex-crazed smile that i've seen with every boy i've ever been sexually intimate with, including nam. it was the same smile n the same look he'd give me just when we were hanging out, the same smile n the same look i'd gotten every time i'd made him laugh or given him butterflies for even the months n months n months before cyn had even told me she liked me, all the months n months n months that he had a crush on me, whenever i'd do that something that made him happy n made him fall for me even more. that was the smile i saw n the look in his eyes, and in that moment, i knew that the two of us really were making love n that he really wasn't just using me for sex. even all throughout my relationship with nam i had that thought in the back of my head that one reason why he was still with me was because he was the first girl he'd ever done n e thing with, n he didn't want to stop getting head n anal. i had a similar thought to this with albert when we first started having sex, that i knew it meant something to both of us but he hadn't gotten sex like this in a while so that must have been a reason that he wanted to be with me, that part of him was using me. in that moment, tho, when i looked into his eyes n i saw that smile of love n adoration cross his face, i knew it wasn't true. he cared.

damn, even writing this now, i keep pausing to get lost in these thoughts n memories. i told albert on thursday that our good memories have become bad ones now, which was something i did not want to happen. the things is, sometimes, times like now, the good memories still very much are good memories. i can look along the light n sometimes even pale skin of my body, see the places where its so thin or lacks so much pigment that u can see some of the more superficial veins thro, see the little random freckles n the cellulite n the random scratches from puma or me bumping into things or scratching an itch too hard or too much or something. i can look along my short legs as they go to the wall, watch my toes wiggle on the end of my feet as they touch the wall. albert thought all of it was beautiful. i can look at my nipples n see that one has a bit of dead skin on it while the other looks fine, n yet he would have put them both in his mouth without a second's thought n sucked them n ran his tongue over them n ran his hands down the sides of my body as he did it before stopping to kiss my stomach as he worked his way down to my vulva. he loved it all, every little pimple, every little part that giggled. i remember having sex in the bathroom in the hotel room in san fransisco, having all those mirrors around us so we could watch each other as we made love. i could see parts of my body ripple in a very unattractive manor as he'd thrust into me, but i didn't care because he didn't care. i watched him n he watched me n it was amazing. i remember how the night before when we were in that hotel room, something about the way he looked at me n the way he touched me...he'd told me many times that i was a goddess, but that was the first time i really felt it. when i told him, it kinda hurt that he hadn't experienced what i had, but that was ok.

i wonder if these things ring so clearly to me because i see pieces of it everyday. albert helped me move rooms n then organize my room a little in this apartment, albert made love to me on that bed the last couple times that we did it, i look at that heart in our blood above my bed everyday, i walk to the bus stop thro the parking lot n see that our condom, the one he just dropped out of the window of his car after the one n only time we had sex in there, isn't there. maybe its just because he's still got cyn to think n worry about, too, maybe its because his brain isn't wired to think about n focus on past events as a defense mechanism the way mine is. on thursday he told me that he thought i was further along in moving on than he is because i see him with cyn all the time n he's never seen me with another guy. i disagree with him, but at the very least it definitely makes the situation more real. yesterday before i took the greyhound back here, i was at my grandpa's n i got a text from sean asking if i wanted to get fucked last night n i said yes, if he didn't mind that i'm on my period. his response? "you're always on ur period." hey dip-shit, did u forget about last week how i was trying to get u to come over n fuck me? did u forget about spring break in between when we were both out of town n how the week before that i wanted to get laid but u said u didn't have a ride? ok, the week before that, i was on my period, but that was FOUR WEEKS AGO. that's how often women menstrate. did u take sex ed? what a girl'll do for sex...

i try not to think about how sex with someone else, i don't mean a fuck buddy, i mean like a boyfriend, is never going to be the same as it was with albert, because it hurts a lot. a whole fucking lot. i really felt like i could be myself sexually with albert. i never asked raver jimmy to lick his cum off of me after he'd jizz on my stomach or my tits because i was scared it would weird him out so much that he wouldn't want to see me again. i haven't told a lot of guys that for that same reason. for some reason, tho, i wasn't scared to ask albert that, or at least tell him that it was a big turn on for me. i think that of all the times he did cum on me he only did it once or twice, but i still wasn't worried he'd be repulsed by me if i told him that. that might also be because the only other two guys i remember doing that for me were daniel n nam before him, who were also boyfriends, but i think it was more than that. shit, i loved having albert talk dirty to me. not all the time, but when i was in the mood for it, n i told him things i never thought i'd say to anybody other than the fantasy boys i see in my head while i'm masturbating sometimes. he even told me that i asked him to say things sometimes that he thought girls only said in porn. i wonder, tho, if its because i knew in my heart that he didn't mean any of those things n that it was just playing into some fantasy for him as much as it was for me. it wasn't real, we really did love each other, i really did mean something to him, n our sexual activity was an expression of this love and an extension of our intimacy.

i still remember when we had sex on my birthday, or at least the next morning when i was telling him things to call me while we were having sex. one of them was to call me an object n tell me i was just a sex toy, n he wouldn't. i didn't really care, just hearing me say that to him got me off as it was, but afterwards when we were talking about what we felt n the crap matt had said the night before n so on n so on, the fact that i had told him to call me those things as we made love came up. we'd been talking about how much i meant to him n how he loved me n what he thought of me, n he said he just couldn't call me those things. He said that while there were some things he could say, he just couldn't tell me i was only an object to him because it wasn't true. it just wasn't true. he said, "I don't see you that way and I never have," n i think that i always knew that n that's why i felt comfortable doing that with him. i trusted him, because i knew afterwards he'd still smile at me that same way, n he'd still kiss me that same way n he'd still caress me the same way and hold me against him the same way, and we'd still lay in bed n talk about random crap afterwards the same way we always did, n as he wrapped his arms around me n rubbed my shoulders n i wrapped mine around him n ran my fingertips down his back, he'd still tell me that he loved me the same way.

a few times now when i've woken up in the middle of the night horny i've refrained from masturbating simply because it hurt me so much to think about when he used to be laying in bed next to me, n i'd wake up to him playing with the opening of my vagina with his fingertips or he'd wake up to me running my hands along his cock to get him hard or just before i got on top n penetrated myself with his boner that i'd spent the past few minutes working to get up. last night i did masturbate when i woke up in the middle of the night horny, but i still thought about all that n how the bare skin of his body felt all along my own.

well i need to get going now, i've been writing for an hour n need to get dressed as much as i don't want to, eat, n get some homework done before i meet w/ my group because i am NOT prepared right now. i haven't checked to see if i got another message from cyn, but i'm feeling so good right now that i don't want to. i'll wait.

except that i'm not as over him as i thought, kim's bro's family being here n all that, (did i mention that before?), n me realizing that i have a bio lab write up due tomorrow. for now i'm just going to get some sleep n...wtf? there's a driver's liscense under my door. how weird. but n e way, i didn't sleep well so i'm gonna try taking a little nap. in the mean time, here's part of a paper i had to write yesterday for that sex seminar that i took two weekends ago. It's my "sexual manifesto" n i wrote it in like an hour so if it sounds like shit now u know why!:D

I’m not sure what values on sex and sexuality between me and my family are the same or which ones differ. I know that my mom raised both my brother and I to be tolerant of other’s sexualities while my dad is somewhat homophobic. Neither seemed happy, though, when they found out that I consider myself bisexual. I know that my parents didn’t have a problem with pre-marital sex in that the both did it with each other and other partners, but they didn’t seem to happy to find out that I was having sex. Not having children it’s hard for me to say if I’m going to act that same way about sex with them if I ever do. I think, though, that my mom never had casual sex and I know that’s something I’ve done and don’t have a problem with.

My early messages about gender were pretty standard growing up. I was supposed to like to cook, play with dolls, play “house,” want to be a Disney princess and so on. I wasn’t supposed to like to be dirty or dinosaurs or be interested in outer space and monster trucks. However, I was. Everything from lecture about what happens to the little girls that don’t fit into the flower pot reminded me of what I went through growing up. I was ostracized by the girls for acting like a boy, and ostracized by the boys because I’m a girl. As I started getting older but I was still in elementary school I began to wonder if maybe I really was a boy at some point or if I was a boy trapped in a girl’s body. I heard about people who got surgeries and considered getting one, but the more I developed the less and less I felt this way. Since I’ve identified as female throughout pretty much my whole life, it’s hard to say how I expressed this when I was younger. I did have Barbies, but all I ever did was strip them and rip off their heads. (Oddly enough I have met a couple other lesbian/bisexual women in the past couple years that had Barbies when they were kids and did the same thing!) Now I don’t think about having to express my gender identity because for me it is female and one can clearly see that I am one. I’m a sucker for romantics, am very expressive including in my emotions, and like to take care of people I care about. I don’t do these things because I’m a woman to express that I’m a woman, though, I do them because I like to and that’s just who I am. I have had people assume things about me just because I am a woman, such as wanting guys to buy my love which is something I won’t fall for, but since I’m not sure how I present my gender I’m not sure if it’s just because of that. It does make me angry when people do make those assumptions, though. Not all women are the same. (And neither are all guys.)

I first learned about masturbation shortly after my 10^th birthday. I was one of those girls who hit puberty early, (my first period was a couple weeks before my 10^th birthday), and once again all the things that were mentioned about what this does to a girl’s self esteem in the lecture are things I’ve lived with as well. Even though when I did get my first period my mom talked to me about puberty and what it was, I learned about masturbation on my own and in fact thought it was something I made up at first. I was just curious why sex felt so good, so I laid down on my stomach, wadded some blankets together and humped them. I didn’t have a real orgasm, although my body did reach some sort of climax, and even though it didn’t answer the question of why sex felt good, I learned that it did. I didn’t have a problem with it because it was just a fun experiment and at first there were a couple of times that I was guilty of doing it with my bedroom door opened, but that didn’t last very long. (Luckily no one ever walked in on me.) I still masturbate now and sometimes do have an actual orgasm from it. There was a small time frame in middle school to the beginning of high school that I did start to feel guilty but it was only because I did it so much. Now I’m perfectly comfortable with it, I’d just rather be doing the real thing and I’ve noticed that if I do it too much I’m not as sensitive so I need to cut down for a while.

My first sexual experience with another person was when I was 14 years old. Long story short, I met a guy who was much older than me through an old friend and when I told him I’d never even kissed a guy, he asked if I wanted him to “show me the ropes.” Of course I did. I was curious and had poor self esteem and felt good even though I knew this guy was probably sick in the head for wanting to fool around with a girl so much younger than him. We tried to meet a couple of times but neither of them worked and I’d told him I wasn’t ready to have sex yet. When we did finally meet he luckily respected that. I was so nervous before hand that I’d lose my appetite completely when I thought about it. That had never happened to me before. Pretty much what we did was make out, then he felt up my breasts and my butt a little, and then I have him a blow job. I had a lot of fun and immediately wanted to do it again as soon as possible. I think that that experience is one reason why I’m open to casual sex but understand how harmful it can be because even though I knew it didn’t mean anything I still got attached to him.

I know I spoke with you a little bit after the presentation on sexual assault about my experiences with it. For me its not sex that worries me now, its having another relationship. My last boyfriend was amazing and wonderful but he left me because I have PTSD that badly. I’m crazy and I lose every one I love because of it. I’m scared to try to find love again or even try to make new close friends because they could leave me, too.

My nonconsensual experiences with sex have definitely molded what I look for in a relationship now even though I’m scared to have one, and it’s probably for the better because I’m convinced this guy doesn’t exist and this girl probably won’t be interested in me. He/she needs to be smart, romantic, a wonderful listener, supportive, trustworthy, funny, respectful, and be there for me whenever I need them. I definitely do not need someone who will lie to me, I don’t need someone who is possessive or jealous, I don’t need someone that won’t lend a shoulder to cry on and I don’t need someone who isn’t understanding or sympathetic to me, my beliefs, who I am and why I’m that person. As far as a relationship structure it’s hard to say because I’ve been single for over a year and I’m not sure where sex would play into that either. I have no problem doing things casually with some people, but I’ve only had three relationships, two of them over a year and one of them only three days, and all of them were very different.

As of right now I don’t feel very attractive, but I’m not sure if I’m ugly. When I do start to think or tell myself that I’m ugly, I also think of many other things that challenge that. If I was ugly then why does that one hot guy always come back to me as a fuck buddy when he’s single? I know that these beliefs about my body originated in my childhood with being picked on by peers and family members and it has only escalated with seeing worse images of women in music videos and such, not to mention the abusive relationship my nonconsensual sexual and a few other experiences came out of. If I had a magic wand I would definitely give myself a flat stomach, but I’m not sure what else I would change about my body. I used to think my breasts were too saggy but now they don’t bother me as much. I might give myself a tighter butt and leaner legs, but I’m not sure. Oddly enough, despite my horrible self esteem, there were a couple times last year that guys I’d just met came back to my dorm room with me and I stripped completely nude and had sex with them with the lights still on. I know it definitely affects my confidence and therefore my ability to pick people up, but once I’m with someone I want to have a consensual sexual experience with I don’t care what they see or how they see it. I guess to me I just figure that they’re going to anyway and in my experience the sex seems to be better when you’re not shy about your bodies.

I’m not sure how my culture plays into all this. I am half Mexican, but a big part of the Mexican culture is Catholicism and I wasn’t raised Catholic or with any religion. I was raised in the American culture, however, and I hate its views on sex. America is the prude of industrialized nations and I think many of its problems would be if they just learned that sex is ok and made available universal birth control. I’d keep going on this, but I’m already running out of room in this paper. The only things I’ve ever had assumed about me sexually are that I’m loud in bed and give good head because apparently these are two characteristics of all Mexican women. I thought they were funny but felt a little nervous about the second one because it made me feel like I have an expectation to live up to. From what I’ve heard, though, both are true of me.

.... that happiness can make you cry...

 

So my job at famous footwear is boring. Not sure I like it. I got a second job at Suddenly Slender Body Image as a sort of receptionist/assistant. I like that.

I think Shawn might come down, I hope.

Not much is new. Going to a therapist, and seeing my psychiatrist Monday. I have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday off. Wooooooooooo!

Watching 50 First Dates... POOF! It's funny, because I saw some people from Hawaii at work today.