Blind @ MindSay

I think I am. At least, in my left eye. It's like... I close my right eye and everythin' just seems darker. Not enough of a problem to warrant a visit to the opticians, but in a few years time... who knows?

It's like the left side of my face is givin' up on me. First my ear, now my eye. What next? My nostril?

I often tell people that if they expect less they'll be more satisfied with whatever they do get... and that it's expecting stuff that causes our own distress at not getting them, so in some ways it's our own fault! Expectations tie other people down unfairly and I suppose this is all true.

Although I'd be lying if I said I was free of expectations. It's like when it comes to people being people + psychological things I set the bar very high. Most people do put in as much as I do, and I still appreciate that, but I only associate with good people. I suppose it filters out the bad ones... but it makes me conflict sometimes to try to sort things... because I am unable to accept stuff being not right... I think it's because others can't either and it's not pleasent for them... and really it should be right and everything... people like my dad tell me to just accept and submit completely to those in power under the blind faith of them "knowing better" - but although giving up the fight might bring peace on that level things would still be wrong and they would go unchalenged, and it'd get out of hand - everyone has limits to how much wrong crap they're willing to tollerate, so rebellion is almost an in-built safety mechanism

So, last night I dreamt I was blind. Or rather, I went blind. It was incredibly disturbing.
Everything was black, it was like living life with my eyes closed.
Anyway, I don't remember how I became "blind," but I remember I was really upset about it. And I was out at the mall and I somehow ran into Ken (someone from school) and I was like "Ken, have you always been blind?" and he was like "No, just for 10 years, why?" then I started crying and was like "Because I just became blind!"
After that the dream skipped a bit and I did something or other and I could see again, then my vision faded out to blurry black and white, and then I was blind again.

Then I woke up.

Just exactly how do you say that you are really interested in someone? How do you sit there and hear them describe people that interest them enough for a relationship and know all those things describe you? How do you listen and still sit and stay quiet?

I did that today. I heard you describe people you really wanted to get to know. I sat there with a virtual smile and wondered how you could describe them to me and not realize that I was the one that fit that description..and you don't have to pay to get to contact me. And yet...I can't actually say anything.

I've tried joking about us getting together. You get uncomfortable and start saying it's not plausible. And yet the person you are looking for fits my description. You even know that in most ways I fit what you are looking for. And yet somehow...you don't see that I exist in that way.

It hurts. It hurts to want to be there for you. It hurts to see that you seem so blind to my existence. It hurts because the more I deal with you the more I wish you saw me in that light. Sometimes it hurts enough that I don't want to deal with you anymore. And yet..like a moth to the flame, here I am.

What do I need to do to get you to see me?