Blessing @ MindSay

You came into my life unexpectedly, and knocked me off of my feet with your ability to spill your guts onto the page, spewing your pain and sorrow in such an eloquent way, leaving me wondering how one person could contain such pain and sorrow and still live to tell the tale.

But tell the tale you did, and reading your work wrenched my heart, wringing it out like a washrag, causing a longing in me to save you from your agony, yet helplessly looking on as you spiraled down into the oblivion of depression and heartache.

You were like the little girl who had a little curl in the middle of her forehead, whom my mother had always told me about (and accused me of being like).  When you were good, you were very very good, but when you were bad, you were horrid.   One moment you would be there, playing scrabble with me, as cheerful as a lark, as though yesterday had not happened, when you had not been able to contain your grief.  I knew then that you had serious problems, but you insisted that your medications took away that creative edge that your readers loved, and you refused to take them, all the while self destructing, addictions keeping you in their vice like grip, refusing to drop the stranglehold they had on you.

We instantly became friends, in those times when I could tolerate you, or when you would turn up after days or weeks of not coming by, when you were wallowing in the mire of your depression, drinking to take away the pain, yet causing vicious cycle after vicious cycle.  I recognized myself in you, and where I could have been, but for the grace of God.

You, as did I, questioned a God who would allow a person to go through such mental anguish, allowing you to cry out in pain, and yet, not coming to the rescue.  I had prayed the same prayer, and tried to escape addictive behavior but there was no God in sight and His people frowned on Psychiatric help in favor of "turning to Jesus, who took stripes on His back for you".  I know now, as do you, that He was there all the time, and allowed things to happen for a reason, but that He gives wisdom and knowledge to caring physicians who know the illnesses of the mind.

You disappeared two years ago, just as quickly as you had come.  Now you were here, and I had found a friend, with whom I felt an empathy, and just as soon, you disappeared.

I sorrowed over you, for it felt as if a part of me, a person who had known what it felt like to be me, had been wrenched away, like the rib from under Adams' breast;  but you did not become a new creation for my pleasure as his rib did. It seemed you had gone forever, leaving a consistent aching in my side.

Time dulled the ache, but never erased the memories of you, or stopped me from hoping against hope, and praying that you had not taken your own life, as you had so often wished to do.  I just prayed that the spark of potential that I saw in you would somehow have ignited a spark in you to take control and do something to turn your life around.

"And suddenly I turned around, and what do you think I found?" (lines of a song i love) There you were! When I saw your picture, I thought at first that I had seen an apparition, for surely if it were you, you would not mind me talking to you, communicating again after all this time, which meant, YOU WERE OKAY!

The gift of today, was a present I could only dream of.  Here you were, my friend of friends, back in my life, but to tell me that you had sought help again, and had stumbled on a wise doctor who was able to diagnose and treat the core of your problem.  And, joy of all joys, you are still able to write.  But this time, instead of pain bursting forth, regurgitated onto the page, there are words of joy that come from a soul who has, at last found peace.

We spoke, and each found that we had found help, hope and inner quietude that we thought could not exist.  You are with the wife of your youth, and have the favor of your darling daughter....a miracle you thought could never happen.  We have both received second chances at this life that at one time spun out of our control. 

There may be inner demons for a while, even years to come, but with the help of God, as well as medication and wise physicians, we now know we can overcome and stay healthy and at peace.

I am so glad you are back, my friend, and that you are the one I saw in you from the first.  For now, you are not HORRID at all, but very very good!

This friend is crushgroove67 if any of you wish to skip over to his blog and welcome him back after his two year sabbatical.  This one's for you, JB, my friend!

Well ... I knew this day would come, and frankly, I thought it would come faster than it has, but that doesn't make it any easier.  You know how some possessions take on special meaning because of the circumstances one might attach to them?  It's true.  Silly, maybe, but true. 

 

I know lots of people have gone through the emotional and psychological process of divorce both online here and in my circle of friends.  Each of us deals in our own way, of course.  Perhaps the hardest thing for me through that time was the feeling that such a big part of my life had been "wasted."  Fortunately, I have 3 incredible kids to prove that is not an accurate assessment!  :)  Nevertheless, those thoughts swarmed me for about a year after our separation.  It was during this time, after losing my teaching position, my marriage, and our family van within a few months, that God blessed me with the Mustang convertible!  I received it as a "love gift" from Him.  I have thoroughly enjoyed it, but ... it now has 140+ thousand miles on it (63k when I got it 4 yrs ago), and ... well ... it's time.  Time to move on ...

 

My son is laughing at me, but ... I'm saying goodbye to a "friend."  Some of you will understand ... maybe!  :)

 

Thanks for your indulgence ...

 

~ B

A close friend of mine called a little bit ago.  Her son, who is 17 is going to be a father. The mother of the baby is 16. The parents of the pregnant GF have told her she can only stay living with them if she adopts the baby out. The father to be knows he can't handle this situation either for many reasons... and she called today to see if tomorrow when they all meet to discuss all options, if they could mention us as a possible family to adopt.

 

Um.. Yeah! :)

 

............trying not to get hopes up, but definetly praying and ......well,. hoping.

 

Dawn

As a "Breeder" I am in full support of Homosexuals being able to have a legal marriage in our "Free" Country.  The Christians love to say God this and God that says it is a bad and nasty thing.  Guess what folks!  Homosexuals can still have their "marriage" blessed in a Church and by God with out a legal document! Breeders do it all the time if they are against supporting Uncle Sam and the IRS!  It is called having an ordained minister say a prayer or two and a blessing over the union and your done with it! They aren't fighting saying shit about it being a church marriage.   Homosexuals are wanting the protection they have a right to via this country they are citizens in to have a LEGAL and BINDING marriage in the eyes of Uncle Sam and his buddy IRS!  And Conservetives who don't know how to keep State and Church Seperate keep interfering!  My Gods!  Does the gov't and the IRS NOT realize how much more taxes they could collect if they would just legalize Same Sex Marriage?  The Gays and Lesbians can bitch right along with us married breeders about being Middle Class and Broke because Uncle Sam and the IRS have taken all our money and have given it to the folks who are rich and those who make on the lower end of the middle class scale and get Earned Income Credit!  All because we are LEGALLY MARRIED and have kids too boot!

 

Okay what brought that last little bit on was the fact I had to rub my eyes, do a double take, and then hurry up and look out side for pigs flying!  The state of Iowa, yes, I said IOWA!  The State of Iowa for a short period of time allowed same sex folks to apply and receive marriage licenses this past week or so!  Before they shut down the application line because it is now headed to the Superme Court in Iowa of course to see if it is all legal like!  This is thanks to a lovely couple who attempted to apply for a marriage license and were denied because they were both male.  They sued and they won!  Which managed to get them their marriage license!  Good for them!  And they paid the extra fee to waive the 3 day waiting period so they could be married the same day they received their license and before it was appealed to the IA Supreme Court!  Guess what folks!  These gentlemen are officially married in the State of IA!  Up to a dozen or so gay and lesbian couples managed to get their marriage licenses before the application line was put on hold!  Yay for them!

 

Now why this suprises me is Iowa is a conservative republic down to the river to be baptised state!  I don't care what religion you are these folks are Jesus FREAKS!  I should know I lived in that screwed up state for 4 years and married a man from that state!  It explains alot about my hubby if you know how Iowa is.  Anyway, it is suprising but it isn't!  Iowa is one of the few states that is known to stand up for Civil Rights.  And we aren't talking about convicts' rights to sue their victims, illegal aliens rights to sue US citizens, or anything stupid like that but actual in your face insulted someone's Civil Rights!  In all the news articles that have been circulating I have only seen 1 person say something negative about the same sex marriage in Iowa!  And that was the Governer!  Guess what he just lost himself a rather large Gay and Lesbian voting populance!  We have Gay Farmers and let me tell you they live in some nice ass homes in the midwest and half the time have more money then us Breeders!:D 

 

I hope the IA Supereme Court denies the appeal and lets the Same Sex Marriage Stand!  For the simple reason it will open up SD and NE's Gay and Lesbian folks into getting married!  A lot of SD and NE folks get married on the IA side already because they like the area, they need to be in the city to have a reception hall, or they have family!  And guess what!  As of now, I am more than happy to work out a deal for anyone wanting a blessed union of two folks!  Regardless of who what where!  If that law passes fully I can honestly say I will be bombarded with requests!  And I hope my friends Bill and Billy are the first to ask me! 

November of 2005, Jo and David left Pittsburgh and moved to the Beach ... Folly Beach, SC.  They moved South because the "cold" here was less and less appealing to them, and seemed to have a negative affect on David's health.  I have no clue how many moves their life has encountered total, but in the 10-12 years I've known them, they've moved at least 7 times.  Admittedly, they have "gypsy" blood in them and are eternal "hippies".  But during their stay in Pittsburgh, God knit our hearts so intimately ... beyond anything I've ever experienced before or since.  Jo is the sister I never had.  We finish each other's sentences, understand each other's "issues", and yet ... we are so different.  She is much bolder than I am, much more likely to return a dish not prepared to her liking at a restaurant, and when she thinks of one of her four grown children, there is no hesitation - she calls them day or night.  Jo is an R.N. and though she prefers psych, at this time she's doing med-surg.  She's very reality based, practical, intelligent, and nurturing. 

 

David is a musician, song writer, & dreamer, whose employment career resembles mine in many ways.  Though well educated and quite intelligent, he, too, bounces from minimum wage position to minimum wage position. 

 

They have been married 31 years, and ... the balance between them is amazing, no, it's God. 

 

Anyway ... they have new friends there, and I have other friends here, but none as close, none as "satisfying" as them.  I do think there will be a time when we will once again live in the same local ... preferably before eternity ... but I just don't think it is just yet. 

 

Our time together was wonderful!  My daughter ( "J" ) and I had only two real requests when we went:

• to get to a beach - my daughter had never seen the ocean
• to get to Ft. Jackson where she will do her basic and AIT training

We accomplished both of those.  The beach was first!  I had to coax "J" into the water.  It took some time to get used to the dizzying feeling of the water coming and going underfoot.  But, of course, once I got her in ... she loved it.  We were almost alone that day but for a handful of surfers, and the water was unusually sand-filled so we didn't actually SWIM, but we jumped around alot.  At one point, a wave knocked me over and I laughed so hard, I couldn't get up, and of course, by the time I tried to get up another wave was ready to again knock me off my feet.  We were both laughing so hard ... She finally had to help me up, old lady that I am.  I just couldn't laugh AND stand up at the same time.  :P

 

The lighthouses were a highlight for me.  I have always been drawn to them and have painted a few in my day ... one became a logo for a former Christian fellowship, Living on the Edge.  We found Sullivan's Island light first almost by accident.  I don't remember now what we were looking for, but I spotted the light and it became our objective.  From there, we went to Ft. Moultrie , a unit of Fort Sumter.  This, too, had special significance to my daughter,  as history becomes reality to her. 

 

I believe it was this evening that David took us all to see the Charleston Riverdogs baseball game.  The Riverdogs are the farm team for the Yankees, and are a big deal in Charleston.  They won 2 - 0.  "J" particularly enjoyed the abundance of healthy young men at the game.  ;)

 

The trip to Morris Light was difficult because of the heat.  We checked out the open air market in the morning, took a long, cooling break at lunch, then trekked part way out to the light ... part way ... It was just too hot, so we turned back.  It rained shortly thereafter.

 

Ft. Jackson was a bit of a drive - about 115 miles from where Jo and David live, so we left early Tuesday for Columbia, SC arrived about 11 and rove around the base (after being inspected) for over an hour.  We saw most of the "confidence course" that she will master, the bayonet practice field, several tracks with misc training apparatus nearby, but the thing that is indelibly imprinted on her mind is the 50 ft ( my guess ) repelling tower.  There was a class on it when we drove by.  She took pictures as a girl descended cautiously, but successfully to the ground below.  "J" has some experience in this from camp, but not at this height, so she's a bit nervous.  This little side trip filled in our last day ... out flight out was Tuesday night, so we pretty much went straight from Ft Jackson to the airport. 

 

Jo's hugs always make me cry ... always.  I don't understand the dynamics of it, but it doesn't seem to matter what is going on in my head or heart ... I melt ... I suspect because it is God's love pouring through her, but whatever it is, "J" had the same response!  hahaha  At least this time, it won't be a year and a half before we see each other again.  "J" will graduate basic around Thanksgiving, so my other two kids and I will head South for that event, and hopefully share Thanksgiving with them. 

 

OK ... well ... that pretty much covers our trip except to say ... if you're ever in Charleston, SC and take a Black Cab, and the guy is singing  ... it just might be David! 

 

~ B