Bleeding @ MindSay

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Before I went to sleep last night, I laid awake in bed for a few hours and for the first time in several weeks, possibly even months - I cut myself again.
That's not to say I've gone all this time without actually self-harming, for I've hit my head on things, punched myself, burned myself - hurt myself in ways that didn't involve a blade and a cut.
I cut both of my arms, starting with the left and going up from the wrist to the shoulder - then on the right from the shoulder down to the wrist.

I had to tell Shelly, and I couldn't tell her until I'd dragged her up to the 4th floor to sit on the stairs. We ended up getting worked up over it, sort of bordering-on arguing, but not quite. Even Shelly could see I'd hurt myself a lot more than usual.

So I'm back to the paranoia that follows - the constant long sleeves, the hiding yourself with the towel after a shower and the having to hold onto sleeve cuffs incase they ride up.
Sigh.

I keep thinking about Sarah's one-to-one yesterday.
She suggested I go back to see Dianne. But I was Dianne's longest client. We're only supposed to go for 8 weeks, I was there for 20. I don't want to go back because I'll feel selfish, like a liability who's abusing the system... Sigh.

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Photography was a waste of time.
Paul made us all go out into the college grounds and the areas around it and take photos.
The area is bland and uninspiring - I got a few reasonable photos, but most are pretty shit - and none of them will even fit into any of my chosen categories. They're just misc. crap.

Although I am feeling a little better about my sketchbook - the amount of work I did over the holidays will indeed account towards filling the pages.

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It's been officially EIGHT WEEKS since I shared a Saturday with Ash AND Shelly.
It's been far too long. I felt so bad for those two - they'd both seen me separatley, but neither of them had actually seen each other. They gave each other lots of hugs - but I got my fair share too. :)

Shelly also seemed to be encouraging me to torment Ash - she pinned her to the bed at one point and tugged her shirt up and we double-blarted her. That's a first. :)

We couldn't actually do our 3-man band on Guitar Hero though, because dozy Ash had forgotten her Wii remote.
I left those two playing pro-face offs against each other, because Shelly is determined to beat Ash now she thinks she's improved enough.

I went across the field to Asif's shop and bought myself some Cherry Coke.
The SKANKS - it's 93p now!
I remember when it was 75p... Then it went to 85p... Now it's 93p! Seriously... Why?
I also bought a big bar of Aero for us all to share and a few gumballs from the 10p machines near the door.

When I was blundering about downstairs getting out the glasses so Ash and Shelly could have a drink - the Pyrex jug decided it would commit suicide, so it leapt out of the cupboard and smashed at my feet.
I yelled all the swear words I knew. I didn't even TOUCH it! It just FELL!

I got shards of glass stuck in my hands picking up all the broken bits, and when I went upstairs to tell Ash and Shelly, they were too absorbed in GH to notice my pain.
That was the same when I burned my wrist on the oven too - they were bloody playing GH then as well!

I hoovered up all the shitty little bits that I couldn't pick up - then went back upstairs to watch them still battling it out.
I chose the songs for them - mainly ones I liked, but they also happened to be rather hard ones.
Shelly and Ash seem evenly matched to me now. :/

Then I wanted to play against Shelly - Hard VS Expert.
Ash is so weird, no matter what you're playing - she'll watch INTENTLY.
We did TTFAF, and I was beyond hyper.
I was TAPPING. I was tapping WELL! I didn't fuck it up anywhere near as much as I thought I would.

My top score is 79% when I'm not hyper - and I managed 74% absolutley buzzing off my head on sugar. :)
Then I took to breaking off pieces of Aero and feeding them to Ash and Shelly. I gave them most of it. :)

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Ash suggested I try and get further on a game from the wallet, and for some reason, we decided on Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee.
I was proper stuck in Paramonia outskirts, but oddly enough, I got a bit more motivated when I had an audience - and they both helped me with a couple of the puzzles.
I got into the temple and lit two of the flint locks. One room was reasonably hard and the other was fairly simple. Then I got stuck in one and we went downstairs to eat.

I made us toad in the hole with chips. Ash and I had chicken gravy and Shelly had beef gravy - I don't know what she has against chicken gravy - it's the best one. :)

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Our last few hours were spent cuddling up to each other on my bed and making stuff with my modelling clay.
Ash seemed to like the red, and she made a few random things with it. I don't know what it is with her - but even with dough, everything she makes that's artistic, you can just TELL she's done it. It has the Ash touch to it. :)

Then I embarrassed her unintentionally by telling her she'd bled through her trousers and it'd gone on my duvet cover. It wasn't a lot, just a little patch where she'd been laid. She seemed sad about it - but I cuddled her and told her not to worry about it.
Naturally, Shelly and I just had to get in a few friendly digs about it though. :)
It was funny in its own way.

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Ash wearing my jacket.
It just doesn't look right on her, lmfao. I'm the one who insisted she have her hair like that while I take the photo. :)



Ash's dough cat.



And Ash's rather creepy dough head. :)

I hope we get back into our Saturday routines again soon. They're a lot of fun.
I just can't wait for the weekend after my birthday - Friday and Saturday night with Adam, Ash and Shelly - Saturday night will be without the parents, and it'll be the return of the re-vamped dare cards game! :D

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I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.

I think I know ultimatley what the trigger to my depression was.

 

I was reading over my prospectus to Teesside University. This week in college is the Stepping Up week - thus, we're having endless talks about unversity, how to apply, how to write personal statements and all that shite.

The course I'm interested in is English Studies & Creative Writing.

To enrol on it, you need 220 UCAS points.

If I end up with three Cs for my three A2s - that will give me 260 points. But I'm still doubting I can even reach that... I don't want C grades - but that's the bare minimum I need. Although, like I said - I'm still doubting if I can even do that.

 

The other issue is of course -the course is Creative WRITING - the one thing I'm having great difficutly attempting.

I haven't got a clue how I managed to write the introduction to DATWBSVOH yesterday. What's weird is the fact I wrote it on paper... I usually struggle a lot to get things down on paper, as opposed to a word processor. If I do end up writing anything down on paper - it also tends to be of a shitty quality.

 

I'm still unsure if I like what I've written but...

 

My writing tends to have a few stages to it, and judging how I feel as I'm writing it and after I've finished, I can tell if I'm going to like it or not.

 

 

During the writing process:

 

1) I'll be writing rapidly, maybe even smiling as I do so.

2) I'll be writing at a moderate speed, getting a rare sentence or paragraph block.

3) I'll be writing slowly, getting frequent blocks.

4) I'll be writing incredibly slowly, struggling to conjure up basic words and phrases.

5) I won't get anything written at all. I may write one or two sentences, but promptly delete them.

 

After it's complete:

 

1) I'll shrug, not finding many or any faults with it, but unsure if I like it or not.

2) I may find one or two faults, but I won't feel any dislike for it yet.

3) I'll read it over and truly not have a clue how to judge it because it's equal either way.

4) I'll hate every word of it, refuse to read it again and get upset with myself.

5) I'll delete it before it's even fully finished becuase I hate it THAT much.

 

DATWBSVOH's introduction ranked #1 for during writing and #2 for after completion.

 

I'm wanting to know - was it a fluke, or will I be able to continue?

If it's not a fluke and I manage to write something else pretty soon, I'm going to see if I can continue with some old work. I'm thinking of maybe putting some fan fiction on hold, continuing ahead with my original fiction.

 

It isn't fair - the best thing I've ever written WAS fan fiction.

Goddammned TFATH.

 

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Either way - I started getting really depressed after thinking things over.

I haven't done what I did for a few months.

 

I'd even told Dianne that I thought I'd totally stopped.

It seems not.

 

Now I feel like I've let her down. :(

I'm also afraid of telling Shelly about it. I'd have told her this morning, but she had an exam to worry about - I didn't want to ruin her concentration and motivation streak by making her worry about me.

 

I washed my jacket last night, so I've had to wear my striped jumper to college.

It's so warm here in the LRC, but I can't even roll my sleeves up...

 

I tried out the new carving technique I used a while ago and really liked.

First, I'll carve out my word/phrase/intials - then I'll use a small piece of metal to run red food colouring or red ink through the cuts. This stains the skin underneath and makes them stay for longer.

I'll then cut over them again once the ink has dried.

 

I used food colouring - it works well, but it has a tendancy to stain any non-cut skin a weird orange colour.

 

Last night's carving was: "FAILURE" - something I've felt like cutting into myself for quite a while.

 

I have to stain them because I just don't seem to hurt myself as badly as I used to. My old cuts would stay for weeks, possibly months. My newer ones only seem to stay for about a fortnight.

It just doesn't give me the same release any more. I still bleed as much as I used to - but they're nowhere near as deep. I add to the blood effect (which is what I really like to see) with the ink... 

 

 

I'm really worried about what Shelly's reaction is going to be though...

Ashleigh too - but by the time I see her, they may have healed over a bit... :(

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Dixie currently feels:

 Neutral

 

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Blog #77

RAW CARROTS 

 

 

I awoke at around half 7 to start with. I was later told that I had my arms around Shelly's neck and she had to wake me up to get me off her. :)

I went back to sleep - then grandad woke us up at around half 11.

 

The clocks went forward today - so I've had to faff on with my phone and everything else.

I still need to sort out my Wii and my DS. I'll have to do my Gamecube when I get home.

Thank fuck my PC sorts itself out.

 

I didn't get a Sunday lunch last week - so I was quite looking forward to today's.

Shelly was surprised by my nana's Sunday tradition - coming in with some meat on a fork for a taste. She's always done it, and as far as I'm guessing - she always will. :)

 

Rofl - Shelly eats about a half to a third of what I do - yet my nana gave her a 'Dixie-sized portion'.

In effect, she got more than me because I don't eat as many vegetables.

 

Shelly now thinks I'm even weirder because I hate cooked carrots - so I have a few raw slices on my Sunday lunch. Yes, even with gravy. I don't care if it sounds strange - it be what I like. :)

 

All day I had to put up with her randomly exclaiming:

"RAW CARROTS!"

 

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After lunch, I ate some Vienetta ice-cream, then went back to CTR.

Nana and Grandad were watching films all day - so we took advantage of being left alone.

 

It's so difficult to concentrate on time trials when someone has their fingers inside you. :)

I had to pause it eventually.

 

I discovered something else that does it for me: watching someone finger me in a mirror.

I don't look at my face - though when I did see, I look proper mental when I'm aroused. :)

 

I also discovered that with hands the size of mine - it's a pile of piss to fist someone.

I managed to get all four of my fingers AND my thumb inside Shelly - easily.

She managed four inside me - but she did make me bleed again - and it did hurt a little.

 

I panicked later - as I'd bled on the sheets.

I decided I would keep that a secret - as I was a bit too afraid to admit it to nana.

 

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Shelly left at around 9, I showered, washed my hair with the raspberry awesomeness - then continued on with CTR.

I got it completed. :)

I never thought I'd be able to get all of the shitty purple tokens - but the purple gem cup was a pile of piss.

 

You have to race all of the bosses at once, on all four boss tracks.

It's weird - the first boss was the hardest, and the final boss was the easiest, as he kept coming 5th.

 

So aye, I have another gold completion on my Backloggery. Another shiny 100% completion.

I wish all games said 100%. It would be very nice to see. :)

 

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #70

Bluetooth Buddies

 

 

I got up at about quarter past 7 with my phone alarm.

I got ready and set out slightly earlier than I normally do - Ian's house is farther from the bus stop.

He gave me some letters to post along the way, so I had to play HUNT THE POSTBOX.

 

I didn't see Michaella on the college bus - so when I got to college, I went straight to the LRC.

I was about 3-4 blogs behind - I REALLY need to stop posting empty ones.

It just gets to the "blog time" of the night, and I can't be arsed. :)

 

It was about 8:20, and the LRC was deserted!

I've never seen it so empty before.

 

I asked for a PC on the ground floor - normally they ask you how long you want - but she didn't, and when I logged in, she'd given me 2 and a half hours.

 

HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT'S HOW LONG IT WAS UNTIL MY LESSON?!

LOL!

 

I started writing one of my entries - and I got a phone call from my dad in India.

Apparently I'd rang him, so he told me to lock my phone. I looked, and indeed, it was unlocked in my pocket.

An accidental call to India cost me 20p. DAMN IT.

 

About 5 minutes later - a lad sat on the same table stood up and walked over to me, all shy - and he goes: "Umm, excuse me. You know your ringtone? The Final Fantasy VII one? Can I have it please? I really like that tune."

 

I was like "...Er, sure." - thinking to myself: 'Is that how shy I am when I talk to strangers?'

 

So I sent him the song over Bluetooth - and felt slightly happy with myself for a few moments, knowing I'd made someone happy and given them what they wanted. Even as simple as it was.

Simple things are the best things.

 

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In Media Studies - I finished off my first draft of my evaluation.

I printed it off and Sarah wrote a few things I need to add in.

I added those in - and it's still about 150 words below the maximum word count. Not bad.

 

She didn't get chance to see the changes - so I'll have to show her those on Friday.

 

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Lewis came with me to the bus stop - some old woman asked me if I wanted to sit down on the bench in the shelter, and she budged along.

This made me feel weird too - saying that, I'd have done the same for her, or anyone, really.

Unless they were a chav - then I'd have put my backpack in the gap. :P

 

When I got back to the bungalow - nana and grandad still weren't home - so I opened all the curtains, made my bed and tidied up a little.

I made myself a pizza and played through the Very Hard story mode on Dancing Stage: Mario Mix.

 

Apparently, if you do the Very Hard story mode, you unlock the Super Hard one - but I haven't.

But that may be because I didn't do the Easy one - I just skipped it and went straight to Normal.

 

I'm going to have to look into it.

If not, then I'll just have to do what it'll let me do.

I'm really close to completing it now.

 

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Mam sent me a picture message from India - dad's had an accident.

He got hit by a big wave in the ocean and he's gashed all of his face and cut his lip open with his teeth.

 

It wasn't a pretty sight.

I texted mam back to hug him for me.

 

He looks sad and hurt. :(