Bitching @ MindSay 
emo
This is scary. Although I love kids, I'm a damn selfish person. Children were viewed as parasites. Cute, adorable, fun to visit or babysit, even super silly...but still parasites. And now, thanks to a damn biological urge that has totally fritzed with my brain and hormones, I want one of those parasites, dammit! I have added 'babies', 'family', and 'children' to my StumbleUpon topics. I just read a book on HOMESCHOOLING, for god's sake.
Argh. And so...now that I've accepted this whole urge, have started planning for an October conception ('cause babies conceived in the fall/winter are smarter due to fewer chemicals in mommy, dontcha know), have even broached (and gotten approval for) the whole stay-at-home mum thing....
OUR TIMELINE HAS BEEN FUCKED.
See, it all depended on the money thing. Namely, the second half of Mr. Munin's inheritance from his mom. It was going to pay off the house...and let me tell you, dropping the mortgage payment off our monthly bills was the only thing that made losing my income look reasonable.
But Mr. Munin's mom called last night...hysterical after having been seriously ass-raped by the IRS for the first half of the inheritance payoff earlier this year. Yikes. She is so anally bixarre about money, she didn't talk to her financial consultant...or a lawyer...or ANYONE before embarking upon this money transfer, because SHE'S A LITTLE CRAZY.
Not that I'm mad or anything. Oh no, especially since she's now decided that it'll be 'a few years' before we get the rest of the moola. Although, OF COURSE, she's gonna keep bitching about her lack of emminently-emerging grandchildren all the while.
ARGH.
For the past few years, I and many other ppl have been feeling like we have been living in a increasing Communist Country. Our various freedoms and the right to do the most basic things has become illegal or taxed the hell out of. Did our Founding Fathers NOT start this country to get away from gov't rule and stupid assinine lack of common sense?
But US Citizens do not dispare! We are NOT alone in how our gov't is becoming a Communist Rule and telling us what we can do, how to do what they tell us we can do, and all that jive! The Britions are no better off then we are! Only difference is their anal retintive gov't calls their taxes and stupid ass laws "Sin Taxes".
The UK not only went after smoking but now they are going after drinking. And cars! Hey at least they are being fair if you ask my opinon on that! Not only are they making it illegal to kill oneself with smoke by making it almost unattinable to smoke anywhere but your house, now the UK is hiking their already HIGH booze tax up another 6%. They are now trying to do away with the "pub" scene. The car issue is along the lines of SUVs and bigger vechiles. For many US Citizens they have no clue exactly how expensive it is over in the UK.
Case in point when us US Citizens were bitching about paying 1.70 plus a gallon on gas the UK Citizens were already paying about 3-4 bucks a gallon for gas. So just imagine what they are paying now with US Citizens paying about 3-4 bucks a gallon for gas. They are looking at almost a 10 dollar a gallon gas fill.
Many British Citizens are speaking out on these "Sin" Taxes. Baisc enjoyment for many ppl of drinking, smoking, and driving vechiles they already paid otu the ass on are now "SINS" and they will be taxed for it. Citizens over in the UK have pointed out that their ecomony is just as shitty as the US's and the gov't is stupid ass hell for hiking these taxes because it will NOT stop ppl from drinking or smoking. If a person wants to drink and smoke they are going to. It won't stop them from driving their vechiles anymore than US Citizens have stopped driving big vechiles. All it is going to do is cost the Gov't money by loss of revenue.
And once our lovely gov'ts tax basic enjoyments to death and cause the majority of citizens in their country to stop doing what they enjoy, and cost the gov't revenue they will start taxing to death basic everyday living items even more than they already do. Because we all know that it isn't the gov't that keeps our countries running. It is the citizens and how they are taxed to death and then told we have no say in anything. We are told how to live our lives, what we can and can't do.
Saying this to anyone in our gov'ts can consitute a treason act if we act against it. Even when the US Consitution says the US Citizens have the right to rise up and clean out our own gov't. If we should do this we are committing a treasonist act even though we have a consitutional right to do so. In otherwords, if the Citizens of the US finally wise up and stop their bitching and act, we are dayumed. If we continue our bitching and do nothing we are dayumed. At least the US Citizens have a small recourse with our Consititution. I am not sure what the British Citizens have for recourse.
Got to love our Communist Gov'ts that use the guise of democrocy to beat down their citizens.
So, after finally deciding to get out of bed at 1130 am today. There first thing I went and did, was to wash my hair. It needed it. As I was finishing up, my father asks from outside the door. "bobby you awake yet ?" Humm, how should I answer this .... "ya". What fuck, no its a ghost using the bathroom. Grrr. To which he replied "go outside and help your mother"
So, I finished up my hair, and went back to the room, where I got changed, and then went outside. To find my mother cleaning up a pile of sticks, twigs and other Debra. So, I helped with that. We busted all the stuff up, and put it in four trash cans, and hauled it into the garage until garbage day. Then we retired back inside.
Apparently this wasn't done correctly for my father. He bitched and whined as he took my mother to grocery store. Upon returning. He was still bitching and whining. They wont take that , wa wa wa. So he started taking the stuff out of the cans and breaking up his way. Then I hear "bobby , go downstairs and get my circular saw".
So I got up from watching my TV, and walked into the kitchen. "why cant you get it yourself ?!" as he sits in a kitchen chair. WTF ?! grrr ... So I find the stupid thing and bring it up, with the box its in . To which he says "why'd ya bring the fucking box, I don't want the box." To which I replied "always gotta bitch about something don't ya" "you where all happy sitting on your ass in the house watching us do all the work outside, sipping your coffee, but now that you have to do something , ya gotta whine " To which he replied, "shut up and go back to your fucking room" , and I said "no problem" placing the saw and box down in the garage, and leaving him to do the work , again , only his fucking way. GRRRRR....
We cant do anything right, if its not done his way, its wrong, no matter what the fuck it is, but what really pisses me off, is he sat on his ass and did nothing the entire time we where out there, couldn't lift one fucking finger to help us. GRRRR , oh, but if he wants something , you gotta jump to his becking call. Ya well, fuck him ! I am so tired of his bull shit. He's either silent, or bitching about something. Never has anything nice or good to say about anything , or anyone. Grrr....
Oh, and my mother and myself ate dinner while he was in the garage do'n shit. She told him it was dinner time, but he didn't come in . Then after he was done, he still wouldn't eat. So, my mother wrapped up his dinner and though it in the fridge.
So, needless to say its a little thence around here at the moment. He hasn't said one freaking word to me, since we bitched at each other earlier. He's in the family room as usual , watching TV, and I am as always, in my room. Away from everyone.
So, If you ever wondered why I am the way I am. Just look what I grew up with. Bitching and whining , all the fucking time. grrr.
Anyway, now that I have got that off my chest. Although rest assure I'll be thinking about it for a while, which involves thinking about just how crappy this life is. All the negative stuff. Why am I still here ? Why am I alive ? Why do I still work at tops? Why am I alone ? Why don't I have any love in my life? Am I capable of loving, or being loved? Ugh... all that crap.
On top of all this, I am bored shit less. There's nothing to do. TV sucks, even though the NASCAR busch series race is on ESPN right now. Its not holding my interest. I played PS2 video games before , to distract my mind from all this bull shit.
Its day's like this, nights like this, that I truly hate life itself, and want it all to ...
~ just end
There isn't too much to report (other than a frakin' huge spider jumped up at me while I was trying to kill it and ended up having to send Josh in with a shoe because I wasn't about to give it another try - I HATE SPIDERS). There's also been a few random disappointments and then life goes on (accompanied by bowls of delicious ice cream I shouldn't even be eating - but it's oh, so good.)
Disappointment #1: Both of my biological sisters have borne a son in the last month. As most of you know, Tabetha had her little boy on June 3rd, then my older sister has just given birth on the 3rd of this month. What's so disappointing about that? I don't have mine. I lost mine in December and he would have been born any day now. I guess you can say that I'm extremely jealous of my sisters. I know I don't really have the right to be, but that jealousy continues on and on, now matter how hard I try to tamp it down. Nothing works and it sucks. I feel like such a horrible sister, but I just can't help the way I feel.
Dissapointment #2: I should have been done with school by now and would have been entering my externship, but nothing seems to work out the way I plan it to. Getting sick in May hindered me more than I had originally thought it would. Nobody is teaching the only course I need until August. I suggested independent studies would be ideal for me, but they only shook their heads at me and said "Nope, you're too independent. You never ask questions." So, now I won't be finished with school until the end of August and won't be done with the externship until the end of September. In reality, a 10 month program will have taken me a year to complete. All because of bronchitis.
Disappointment #3: My mom flew out here to Kansas from California and mentioned how it would be nice to celebrate the 4th of July with me. Well, when I gave her the opportunity to join Josh and I at the farmhouse to celebrate with the rest of the Brumms, she declined by stating she was going to a casino to play bingo with my grandmother. I even invited my grandmother. But, no! Winning money is more important than spending a few hours with your daughter? Whatever!
Disappointment #4: Joe (one of four instructors) doesn't even know my real name. If someone asks him about me, using "Farrah Perry," he'll say "who?" Charlie's the name he's given me and seems to be the only name he'll ever know me by. Sad.
Disappointment #5: I'm too withdrawn. I still have difficulty trusting people even though I know they're completely trustworthy. Either I don't strike up conversations because of these trust issues or I feel that I have nothing significant to say, especially if I have no knowledge on the subject. And I rarely ever converse about politics and religion - only stirs up trouble if you ask me. But still, why do I really hold myself aloof from others? Now that I think of it, I'm even surprised I allowed Josh to get as close to me as he has.
Disappointment #6: My body. I so fricken hate my body right now because it has absolutely no idea what it wants to do. I think I may be going through premature menopause or something. I'm nearly six weeks late for my menstrual cycle and I'm dealing with other "pregnancy" symptoms, but get this..... I'm not pregnant! What the hell? And that's the most depressing thing of my entire life. I don't really feel as though I should be called "a woman" since I can't give birth to a child. What's the sense in it, really? I mean, the doctors might as well take out my right ovary and bury it with the left one because I: a) Probably can't even conceive after that last miscarriage, and b) Couldn't carry to term even if I could conceive. Why keep something if it's not producing the results you're supposed to be receiving?
And, so, thus concludes the seemingly endless bitching and complaining. Seriously makes me wonderful what Josh even sees in me. All I do is complain and cry at the drop of a hate. I'm a bitter, frigid woman. *sigh* I try not to be, but I was once told that "trying is dying." I hate disappointing myself (especially with this traitorous body) and especially hate disappointing others, but who else is gonna do the job.
(Oh, and the baby is Isaiah Henry Austin, 7 pounds 14 ounces, 20 inches long. He just came out of the incubator 'cause his lungs weren't quite developed but are better now. His blood sugar was also pretty low for the first 24 hours. The doctor thinks he may have juvenile diabetes. Guess what my sister did all throughout her pregnancy: Ate whatever the hell she wanted. Wanna hear something even worse: She's a nurse that worked for a pediatrician for at least 3 years. This nephew of mine will now be referred to as Peanut).
so basically, i'm really starting to hate not having a car. and not being able to get around. and having to pay so many bills. and not having any flippin fun. and fussing with kent. and being fat. and having kent comment on this. and how "i've let myself go." fuck that. fuck that. i'm not a fashion plate, but i dont look like a fucking bum on the street. and him complaining about not having any money. cry me a damn river. you have no bills, except car insurance twice a year. and you act like it's my fault because you spend money to see me. so dont spend it. i dont tell him to take me out to eat for every meal. i'll cook. i like cooking. especially for him.
put gas in your car and get your ass down here.
i want you. not flashy things.
dont need expensive tokens.
i have you and thats all i need.
my future is brighter just because of you.
and all i want is to be held. and loved.
good intentions and smiles.
passionate kisses. loving wild
and all i need is you.
put gas in your car and get your ass down here.
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