Bipolar @ MindSay

I promised a list, and since I like them I'm more than happy to deliver on it. So, lets go, best random movies, in my opinion of the moment:

 

The Butterfly Effect

Vanilla Sky

Chicago

Dogma

Gypsy

Constantine

Hannibal

The Order

Sweeny Todd

Gia

 

Nope, no logic, I promise. Just my favorites for the moment. 

 

If you were profiling me based on this I'd be..what...A happily singing lesbian mass murderer/serial killer, running around in burlesque outfits while trying to keep the world from ending and using my amazing ability to time travel to get there, with the only thing I can actually -see- being random famous works of art.

 

Yup, that just about pegs me, in a nutshell. No doubt about it. Well, except for the happily singing part :P

 

I dunno, I've always known I like strange combinations of things, and am a strange combination myself. I can be the sweetest person known to man and at the next be contemplating the ruin of someone. Go from patient mother to irritated wife in less time than it takes to blink, and half the time can't make up my mind what's actually me. I mean, I know I'm bipolar, and all kinds of otehr random crap, but this seems just a wee bit ridiculous sometimes. And then you end up with lists that don;t make much sense except to, well, me, because they're so random and scattered there's no defining factor, not actors, age, genre, or quality. Just one rather random chick going "Hey, these are good, even if you wouldn't normally go out of your way to see them."

 

But, overall, I like helping people, and making things turn out at least OK. I enjoy taking care of the people I care about, and upon occasion, even those I don't, but sometimes that part of me just seems so alien to whatever aspect of my personality is at the fore that it seems unbelieveable that that desire is even mine.

 

Kinda weird, non?

 

-k

So, the house has been re-listed. I WILL get that guy at National City fired. If it weren't for him, we would have the house by now. So, here we are, still living with the 2 people who hate each other and their 2 year old who can't talk yet, and the creepy gross guy who lives in the attic and has loud horrible band practice periodically. yay. They have food stamps and Wic, and tell us not to worry about food, they will buy it, and sometimes cook it for us. Yea, when they come back from "grocery shopping", they have chips, milk, ice cream, sometimes they will buy meet, refried beans, and popsicles. ?! >:0 Are you kidding me?! Thats like, the other day, the poor kid had kix and cheetos all day until his father came home with pizza. We are trying to figure out how the father can get custody of the kid. She is an unfit mother. I take that back, she is an unfit human being. She has some kind of bipolar disorder, not diagnosed. We came home today, we spent last night at his parents, this being the first day in months that we weren't home and she immediately goes, "If your alarm clock goes off again when you aren't here, it's going out the window." WTF? What a friggin' bitch! First of all, it wasn't set until 7:30, they are all up by then, second of all, it will shut itself off after a few min. So, I can't remember if I told you guys about this, but she has us sleeping on a bunk bed, that isn't safe, so Steve took the top mattress off and is on the floor. We don't have a closet, or dresser, so we use the top bunk which is just a piece of plywood to put our clothes on. In the middle of the night, it gave way and fell on me while I was sleeping. I have two scars on my arms from it. She goes, Oh well, you'll live. She wanted her child to sleep on the bunk beds. She is insane! If we don't get this house in 30 days from tomorrow, I might kill her. do they let you mysay in prison? I can't take it anymore.

I can't seem to get my act together lately. I've been late to most of my classes this quarter, I'm failing at least 2-3 out of 5. I'm tired all of the time. I can't stop drinking myself retarded. I keep taking naps all day and being late to work.

I don't like this at all. Every time I try to get things together, it all just falls apart around me. I give up.

My mind is going from 0-60 in 2.2 seconds then jams up

Mind feels like a traffic jam on I-5 in Seattle

And everyone is honking and yelling in rush hour traffic

Running into each other and fighting against each other

1,000 of cars 1,000 of thoughts all in one lane of highway

Right now there is a major pile up

Wreckage scattered everywhere, bodies lying in the midst of the chaos

Pain everywhere along with confusion

People wondering around looking for help

Smoke and fog makes it hard to see

Darkness everywhere

People lost (thoughts lost)

No one knows where to go or what to do

So much noise of screeching tires, crushing metal, and people screaming

Mind is spinning, flipping, and coming to a rest on the edge of a cliff.

I teeter-tooter on the edge of life or death I can feel the twisted metal that has me trapped slipping

Below is nothing but darkness

I hear help on the way but they can’t find me

I try to free myself but am to weak I start drifting in and out

The wreckage slips into the abyss and lands in frigid waters

It slowly sinks into the murky water making things distorted

I fade fast until there is no life left in me

All hope is lost

I am no more

This is how I feel. Honestly. Probably more info than anyone will want to hear, but I gotta get this off my chest.

I feel like I'm dying. I'm a 21 year old with the health problems of an 80 year old. My entire endocrine system is out of whack (thyroid, pituitary, hypothalamus), hormone levels of an 80 year old, oh yeah that fucking tumor in my sphenoid sinus (which comes out december 5), the hundreds of little moles that appear daily on my skin, and let's not forget the cripling depression and anxiety, drug use, and bipolarity. I could have my own fucking episode on House: MD. 

I feel pissed, angry, depressed, upset, like crying, like life's unfair, like I've lived passed my own expiration date, that no one in my family understands me or loves me, that no matter what I do it will never be right, that maybe just maybe I'm actually dead and in hell. This certainly would be a fitting eternal punishment, to live my life over and over and suffer the same fate, without ever knowing I've done it a thousands times over and without any chance of making a change. At least Bill Murray changed his fate.

Why am I posting this on thanksgiving? Because it's hard for me to think of anything I'm thankful for when all I want is to die. Sure, I have a house a bed, clothes on my back, food on the table and for that I am thankful. But what I want is a shot at life...a decent happy life without any of these issues. Maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, but is it so wrong for me to want something better? Don't I deserve a break here and there? If there is a god I'd like to kick him in the balls for a change. And if there isn't, then I only hope my atoms break apart and join the rest of the universe, until it implodes or something like that.

eh....going to cry in the shower now or something lame.