
Bipolar @ MindSay 
I promised a list, and since I like them I'm more than happy to deliver on it. So, lets go, best random movies, in my opinion of the moment:
The Butterfly Effect
Vanilla Sky
Chicago
Dogma
Gypsy
Constantine
Hannibal
The Order
Sweeny Todd
Gia
Nope, no logic, I promise. Just my favorites for the moment.
If you were profiling me based on this I'd be..what...A happily singing lesbian mass murderer/serial killer, running around in burlesque outfits while trying to keep the world from ending and using my amazing ability to time travel to get there, with the only thing I can actually -see- being random famous works of art.
Yup, that just about pegs me, in a nutshell. No doubt about it. Well, except for the happily singing part :P
I dunno, I've always known I like strange combinations of things, and am a strange combination myself. I can be the sweetest person known to man and at the next be contemplating the ruin of someone. Go from patient mother to irritated wife in less time than it takes to blink, and half the time can't make up my mind what's actually me. I mean, I know I'm bipolar, and all kinds of otehr random crap, but this seems just a wee bit ridiculous sometimes. And then you end up with lists that don;t make much sense except to, well, me, because they're so random and scattered there's no defining factor, not actors, age, genre, or quality. Just one rather random chick going "Hey, these are good, even if you wouldn't normally go out of your way to see them."
But, overall, I like helping people, and making things turn out at least OK. I enjoy taking care of the people I care about, and upon occasion, even those I don't, but sometimes that part of me just seems so alien to whatever aspect of my personality is at the fore that it seems unbelieveable that that desire is even mine.
Kinda weird, non?
-k
I don't like this at all. Every time I try to get things together, it all just falls apart around me. I give up.
My mind is going from 0-60 in 2.2 seconds then jams up
Mind feels like a traffic jam on I-5 in Seattle
And everyone is honking and yelling in rush hour traffic
Running into each other and fighting against each other
1,000 of cars 1,000 of thoughts all in one lane of highway
Right now there is a major pile up
Wreckage scattered everywhere, bodies lying in the midst of the chaos
Pain everywhere along with confusion
People wondering around looking for help
Smoke and fog makes it hard to see
Darkness everywhere
People lost (thoughts lost)
No one knows where to go or what to do
So much noise of screeching tires, crushing metal, and people screaming
Mind is spinning, flipping, and coming to a rest on the edge of a cliff.
I teeter-tooter on the edge of life or death I can feel the twisted metal that has me trapped slipping
Below is nothing but darkness
I hear help on the way but they can’t find me
I try to free myself but am to weak I start drifting in and out
The wreckage slips into the abyss and lands in frigid waters
It slowly sinks into the murky water making things distorted
I fade fast until there is no life left in me
All hope is lost
I am no more
I feel like I'm dying. I'm a 21 year old with the health problems of an 80 year old. My entire endocrine system is out of whack (thyroid, pituitary, hypothalamus), hormone levels of an 80 year old, oh yeah that fucking tumor in my sphenoid sinus (which comes out december 5), the hundreds of little moles that appear daily on my skin, and let's not forget the cripling depression and anxiety, drug use, and bipolarity. I could have my own fucking episode on House: MD.
I feel pissed, angry, depressed, upset, like crying, like life's unfair, like I've lived passed my own expiration date, that no one in my family understands me or loves me, that no matter what I do it will never be right, that maybe just maybe I'm actually dead and in hell. This certainly would be a fitting eternal punishment, to live my life over and over and suffer the same fate, without ever knowing I've done it a thousands times over and without any chance of making a change. At least Bill Murray changed his fate.
Why am I posting this on thanksgiving? Because it's hard for me to think of anything I'm thankful for when all I want is to die. Sure, I have a house a bed, clothes on my back, food on the table and for that I am thankful. But what I want is a shot at life...a decent happy life without any of these issues. Maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, but is it so wrong for me to want something better? Don't I deserve a break here and there? If there is a god I'd like to kick him in the balls for a change. And if there isn't, then I only hope my atoms break apart and join the rest of the universe, until it implodes or something like that.
eh....going to cry in the shower now or something lame.
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love

