Bipolar @ MindSay

Well as usual my day kinda turned like shit. At 9:00 am at school. Dylan is going out with this ugly ass girl.

James told her pretty much I was a lesbian and she's gunna say shit and i'm not gay. As much as Im for it i'm not part of it.

As soon as Cameron gets off of house arrest he's gunna give his drums to Bizzi and come over so we can rock out. Im happy that the band I always wanted to be in is here. SUPER!

 

Ive been having HORRIBLE mood swings. I swear I am bipolar. How should I find out? Hmmmm.... Dunno. then my sister was saying that she's pretty sure I have ADHD because I have a hard time concentrating and I'm hyper sometimes and when I am it gets out of hand and its weird. Not like me. my sanity just elft me uh oh.

 

Ive been wanting to write this FOREVER now. It's something I made up the other day I hope you like.

 

"Love is special

Love is kind

Love is something

You wont find."

April fourth; poem four.

 

 MANIA’S ADDICTION

 

One more time, I cry in pain

Distraught, alone in tremors lain

My need is great; I need that high

Need to feel on wings I fly

 

How can I bear nothing happening?

How to survive the depressive aching?

One more hit, just one more shot

Maybe this one is all I’ve got

 

Sex or drugs or alcohol

It’s all the same—perhaps Demerol?

Anything to hide these blues

Would anyone like to wear my shoes?

 

Oh yes, he looks; I’ll have my way

I’ll knock this thing for one more day

Drown in the arms of attention’s wine

Though tomorrow morn I’ll feel like swine

 

Self-destruction; me, all but lost

At what a debilitating cost

No way out, it seems I’m doomed

Can’t help myself up from the gloom

 

Just one more buzz, just one more high

Just one more…something…to get me by

Whee! I’m up; I’m invincible

Yet in the end, dispensable

 

To God I’ve cried in agony

Won’t you take this cup from me?

Throughout the years, I tried to see

A way to live successfully

 

I knew I’d never go it alone

Could never do this on my own

My will was lost when the surge took over

I was like a drunk who could not get sober

 

Finally, I dragged myself to see

Someone who had the sense to be

My fortitude, and push me through

To her I owe my gratitude

 

God was there, all the time

Knowing in his grace sublime

That he had called great docs like Luke

And that I had seen one was not a fluke

 

This was his way of touching me

When I had “bottomed out”, you see

For had any offered this help before

I certainly would have slammed the door

 

Now, steady goes it; I miss the high

That little fact, I can’t deny

But knowing an even keel is best

My mind and soul have found sweet rest.

 

Bonniegirl

April 4, 2008

 

 

 

 

I have done a lot of soul searching lately. I have looked back on all that has happened in my life to try to figure out where i am and what/who i have become. i have had good relationships and bad ones, difficult times and happiest times, i have had some bad experiences but also some amazing ones; have failed, but also succeeded...just like im sure everyone has. yes, i do realize that i have gone thru some diffucult things in my life - more than most peopple and worse than some, but i have realized that i have also had a better life than some people and that i shouldnt take things for granted. there was a large chunk of my life where i really felt like i had no friends, no love, and no hope...life felt like a neverending struggle; like even breathing, the most basic function of existance, was a chore. at the botton of that phase i actually tried to end my life, and by doing so i realized that there were sooooo many ppl that cared for me, but that i had just been too stubborn to see it; too depressed and locked in my own mind to understand anything that was real in the outside world. from that point on i tried to open myself up and trust people, but i found it very difficult because i had closed myself off for so long. i found that as i opened myself up to one person i would alienate and shut out other people which was not what i was trying to accomplish. i shut out some of the most important people in my life; the ones who had been there for me and loved me since birth; the ppl who took me in when i had nowhere else to go; the ones who had basically been my best friends - the ones i could tell anything to. I made them feel like horrible people. i made them think that i hated them and that i didnt give a shit about what they had done for me, and in reality i cared so much about them. i love them with all my heart and the last thing that i wanted to do was hurt them..and thats what i ended up doing. not only did i do that to them, but i did that to some of my closest friends who were just trying to look out for me. i lost some of my best friends and while we have still kept in touch i know that their trust in me is gone. most of them just dont understand me anymore since i have strayed so far from the path that i had originally been travelling on.

my senior year i hit the top of insanity. i managed to alienate and piss off everyone in my family that had kept their faith in me that i would get back on the right track. i had even worried my biological father and his mother, which i had really never done. i got mixed up with the wrong guy. a guy that all he wanted was to use me, but i thought that i loved him. i honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him at that point. so much so that i was willing to abandon my family, my school, and my future. i even left the security of my home and decided to live from house to house even going to milwaukee to live with my brother for 4 days. i was able to be thrust back into reality and a sense of sanity when he broke my heart. i was thrown from a high into an ultimate low in a matter of seconds and i wasnt sure if i was going to be able to handle it. but my friends were there for me..even the ones that i had made feel inferior or that i made feel unwanted..they stuck by me and helped me get out of a dark time in my life. with the help of my friends and my family i was able to pull my head outta my ass, move back home, and go off to college.

about a month before i started college i met another guy who i thought would be the love of my life. we became best friends almost instantly, which is exactly what a good relationship would be based on, right?...wrong!! i was so caught up in that relationship that i let my first semester in college go to complete shit. my relationship was going down the drain and i became so depressed that i didnt want to leave my room. i sat in my closet most days and didnt move until right before my roommate came back. which made my grades go down since i didnt go to class. but i figured i would make my relationship work because i loved him so much...eventhough he was cheating on me and the girl he was cheating on me with was making my life hell. i figured that i would just make up for it second semester. when i recieved a letter from my college over xmas break i thought that my life was over...i spent the next semester trying to prove myself to my college that i wanted to be there and that it really mattered...it was easy to do that once i made the decision to dump the one person in my life that, at the time, i loved more than life, but he was no longer making me happy. it was a very difficult time, one that my mother helped me thru. i was able to finish second semester with a B average.

this past summer i have spent most of my time in illinois meeting many new people and making wonderful friends and adding people to my "family". i thought that leaving wisconsin would help me get away from all of the drama that i had come into contact with..it in fact did not help and i have realized that i let drama come into my life. because i have a complex where i feel that intense need to fix things that are going wrong i invite the drama into my life. i have realized that i just cant do that anymore..i cant put everything aside in my life just so that i can not only add more stress but lose a sense of myself. while i will always be there for the people i love (friends and family) i cannot give my all to them, i must keep some of it to myself. this will be the most difficult thing i will have to do, but i believe that i can conquer it, and when i do i hope that it will drastically help my life.

i have been trying to become a better person. i am in the process of mending lost or broken relationships with people that i love while still meeting new people and maintaing the friendships that i have. i am also trying to keep a sense of myself. being bi polar and having PTSD can make those things slightly difficult, but i am going to keep my head up.

i have finally met someone that i have been able to connect with and who i think is actually right for me. hes eccentric, kind, funny, sexy and just absolutely adorable, and he accepts me for all of my flaws (which there are many). i truely love him. and i feel completely safe with him. there are no words really to describe my exact feelings. he and i are starting a journey together that i hope will last a lifetime. i am very happy and excited that i get to share my journey of life with him, because there is no one else on the face of the earth who i would rather share this with. he makes me want to be a better person and he motivates me to get my ass into gear in order to achieve my goals. he makes me feel whole, and that is one feeling that i never want to lose.

so thats my revelation for now...i am continuing to learn every day..and hopefully i will understand a little more about this insane thing that we call existance..but until then i will just try to keep my head up, keep persevering, keep trying to survive and keep trying to have some balance in my life.

my thoughts on my bipolar..i guess this is more of the down part..but its kinda just..yeah..well..read it and see if you can get your own thoughts of the "translation"

 

Devouring blackness of mortality
Unforgiving souls
Leaching off the innocence of love
Grasping at thoughts of happiness
Forever lost in fields of sorrow

Hello Mindsayers!

I don't know how many of you still have me friended, but I thought it was about time I give some kind of an update here. It's been nearly a year since I last posted here.

The biggest change in my life is that nine months ago I did dreadlocks. I love them. They are one of the best decisions I've ever made, despite what a lot of my family (and friends) had to say - and still have to say in a lot of cases. Heh.

When I started them on March 5 they looked like this -



Now they look like this -




I've lost a lot of length, and they're still babies, but I love them soooooo much. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I do now. It's weird. Dreadlocks teach you a lot about vanity and patience and I needed lessons in both of those.

My plans are to never again cut my hair, at all. I'm going to be an old granny with dreadlocks. The coolest hedgehog slave, dreadlocked old lady EVAR! ^_^

Dreadlocks have also gotten me a lot more in touch with my body and nature in general. I've begun using a lot of all natural products and to pay more attention to how things react inside me with different things. It's really enlightening.

If you're interested in seeing their full progress you can check out my flickr set on them.






JD and I are still engaged and super happy. He's been great at supporting me through the dread process. He's never complaned even once of me looking like shit and he's just been wonderful. To show my appreciation I let him cut off his long hair, which was a big deal for me, but he's still the sexiest man alive. ^_^



This was us at my brother's 19th birthday party in September. Soooo happy!

We added a new addition to our little family in September - a pug/shih tzu (putzu?) mix named Throckmorton!



He's so sweet and oh so funny! He's our child and he gets treated as such. I am not usually a dog person, so it blows my mind that I can love a stinky little puppy so damn much. He's always able to put a smile on my face. ^_^

Of course we still have the real stinker, Theodore.



That picture is a little old, from when my dreads were newborns.

Theodore is still doing wonderfully, thankfully. He's definitely no Quillson, but I love him. He's not a cuddler at all and doesn't seem to like me half the time. He likes JD better than me and throws parties in his cage EVERY night. He keeps me smiling too.

The bad news is that Throckmorton HATES Theodore. They do not get along at all, so I can't have Theodore out and about with me as much as I used to because I'm scared of injuries. I'm not actually scared of Theodore getting hurt really, more that Throck will get quills to the eyeballs. Not good.





In July I got to take a trip to California to see some of my most precious friends. It was fantastic. Seriously one of the happiest and most fun times of my entire life. It was actually our first time meeting in person and I have to say, it was absolutely beyond my best expectations. I still think about it and get fuzzy. It was amazing. ♥





I started playing World of Warcraft in April and I've just finally gotten to level 60 on my shadow priest. I really enjoy WOW, but I have to do it on days when I've got a decent attention span. Heh.

I also still play DS like crazy and am playing Super Mario Galaxy at the moment on Wii. I love the Phoenix Wright series soooo much! ^_^





Health wise things could be better.

HIV wise I'm doing wonderfully. I haven't had any major infections or anything like that. My meds are still working wonders, but they're starting to see a bit of resistance, so we'll see how long I'll be able to stay on this combo.

We've finally gotten my migraines under control (mostly) with Depakote ER, which is actually pretty convenient because it is a mood stabilizer as well.

As for mentally, things are still really rocky for me. I was doing reasonably well on a combination of Effexor XR and Depakote, but I had a period where I lost my Gold Card (county health insurance) and was unable to go get my medications. I'm still working on getting into the psychiatrist again. It takes months. Awesome huh?

I'm just taking it day by day and trying to make the best of it.

Mostly I just deal with extreme ups and downs and a real inability to control my emotions. I also deal a lot with social anxiety and super irritability. I have no attention span most of the time and find it really hard to do normal activities most days.

I'm working on getting SSI still. Ugh.




Oh! I started crocheting and I LOVE IT! It seems to be one of the only things that can hold my attention and relieve anxiety for me. I guess the repetitiveness of it. I'm still learning, but I've made a lot of projects already and can see maaaaaany more in my future. ^_^ I'm thinking about setting up an etsy store one of these days.




As for my family, they're all doing wonderfully. My brother is graduated and working now. He has a Subaru WRX that is adores and a girlfriend that I'm not too sure about yet. My cousin Mandy had a baby in May named Phoenix. She's absolutely precious.



That's the two of them together. Gorgeous!




Well, this was an epic update, but that's pretty much all there is. I don't expect to update here regularly, but I'll never leave here permanently because Mindsay is a great community with too many people I care about. Plus, this was where I popped my blogging cherry! XD I still read every day even if I don't comment, I promise.

If you want to keep in touch more regularly, my email is roxieprince@gmail.com. Also, these are the other places you can find me online -

http://sayhedgehog.livejournal.com - I update here pretty dang regularly, but it's partially friends only.
http://myspace.com/roxieprince
http://sayhedgehog.deadjournal.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sayhedgehog/sets




Much love to all of you! ♥