Bi-polar @ MindSay

Finally I'm able to just sit and let the words roll again...

This picks up from March 29ths posting.....

Backing up_

I met James(my husband now,then boyfriend!) when I was 15 and in the 10th grade. In those days, High school was split up into 2 years each,9-10 and 11-12, each at seperate places. It was the tail end of 10th grade and I was able to miss my last clas of the day because I was traveling on an activity bus to my Sr high school to try out for "Dancing Boots". There was a period of about 2 weeks where each afternoon I went to the Sr. high to try out. I made the team. More on this later....  Anyway, I decided to keep skippping my last class of the day which was, History! I made A's in there anyway...  I went and hung out on my bus instead. My bus driver was really cute and we had struck up being friends. Several bus drivers hung out on his bus while waiting for classes to let out, and we had a good time kidding around. At the time, I was dating James' best friend.I hadn't met James yet...  Anyway, it's late May, early June of 1979... The then boyfriend was becoming a pain...trying to ditch me.. He shows up at my house one afternoon to break a date with me and lo and behold, James is in the backseat of his car. He(the boyfriend) had several friends with him.  The boyfriend and I argued a bit, then James decided to say something... My very first words to him were" Why don't you just shut-up and mind your own business!" Well, great beginning huh? LOL- anyway the jerk and I broke up and then James started hanging out on my bus with the other drivers. He was a bus driver too. We picked on each other and kinda got to know one another.James was 2 years older than me and he was getting ready to graduate high school. Then James calls me one evening and asks me out. Our first date was June 15th,1979.  We went to see"Rocky 2" and then went to Hardees to eat. We went out just about every day after that first date. All summer long we went to tons of movies(they only cost us about $5.00 for the 2 of us to go!) and hung out. On July 10th, James gave me a promise ring. that was the thing back then. He said he had never met anyone like me and he was in love with me and I was "it", the ONE he'd been searching for. I felt the same way.  We talked for hours on the phone at night, usually my dad ran me off the phone at 2 in the morning! LOL Those were the days of one phone houses, and rotary phones! Ha!  We talked about nothing in particular, and just basically had fun. I turned 16 on July 12th and tried to have a sweet 16 party but it was planned for outside and it rained that day and evening, so there went my party, BUT James stuck by me all day and he took me out that night instead. One of the best birthdays I can remember! I started Sr high in the fall, and I quit the Dance team! Told ya I'd tell ya later about it... I wanted to be with James all the time so I quit! No regrets here! Anyway, we had  good year as we grew closer and closer. then I started my Sr. year. it's now mid 1980. Senior year was  a blast! Too much fun! Then Nov- Dec 1980 rolls around. James shows me these house plans that he drew up when he was younger and asks me if I llike them. I said I did. They were of a split- foyer with a full basement. Typical for that generation. I didn't think much of it.  Then James takes me to a wooded lot and says"This is where we are gonna build our house"    I'm thinking, Ok he's planning for down the road. We proceed to rope off an area in the woods to the size of a house.   next thing I know within the week, he has people out there digging out a basement and cutting down trees.....  Hummmm..... Anyway, James,his brother, and his dad all had two weeks off at Christmas... So they start building a house on top of the basement which has been blocked already...... the house gets framed out totally during those 2 weeks.... Now I can say that James took me for granted! LOL builing a house and I hadnt even said YES yet! LOL then Christmas Eve arrives and James is at my house for the evening. We steal some time alone in the living room.. he gives me this big box to open.... I open it and pull out a stuffed Panda Bear that is holding a fish velcroed to his paws. On the fish is a note. I open the note and it says in big letters"This is It! Will you marry me?"   I looked at him in surprise and he asks me, on his knees."Will You Marry Me,Tracee? I love you with all my heart."  I of course start crying and say "YES!"  Now I'm just 17 years old still at this point and still in high school, but I didnt care!  I had wanted to be a wife and mom since a little girl. I didnt care to go off to college.  I wanted a family to love! He slipped a ring on my finger and we kissed!   so we go to the den where my family is gathered and make our little announcement. Dad was a bit shocked, but he knew the day had been drawing near.... They gave us their blessing, but said I had to wait til  I graduated and til after I was 18. they weren't going to sign for me to get married because they didnt want me to come to them if the marriage didnt work and say you let me do this thing!  it was to be totally me!  more on this later!  

 Anyway, we got their blessings. now meanwhile, I had been going to church with James for a long time. I grew up in the Episcopal church, and my family didn't attend regularly. I believed in GOD, but I didn't KNOW GOD... I was basically a GOOD person... well, James was Baptist, and I had been hearing some things that I questioned him about alot. James was talking to me a lot and having me read verses. Well, on a Sunday night on Feb.8th 1981, I was with James at  his church for a revival meeting. James Ellis was the speaker. he preached Hell and Brimstone that night, but not in a condescending way... he explained things that were clear as a bell to me that night. my eyes and my heart were opened. Later that evening after lots of my questions to  my James in my living room at home, I accepted Christ as my Personal Saviour!  I was so giddy with happiness! my heart was overflowing... It does us good to remember the time and place we met the Master...   James was very happy too.  he had been working on me for a long time, and even though he had asked me to marry him knowing I wasn't saved, he had hope. he knew he was risking alot too. Believers should never yoke with unbelievers. the Bible tells us. His family had told him he shouldn't get involved with me, but when they heard that I got saved that night, they accepted me whole heartedly.   only thing was, I couldn't tell my dad about what I had done. Dad had a way of twisting things around and he would argue someone blue in the face, that there is no hell. so I kept this from my family for the time being. I knew God would let me know when the time was right  For Valentines day that following week, James gave me a scofield Bible, which I still carry and use to this day. that was a very loving present..   The months came on by and in late May of '81 we finished the house. it was ready.   I was busy planning my wedding and getting ready to graduate high school. Now is where I need to say that I did alot of the planning myself, bymyself. i didnt have my mother to turn to in this. She was there, but not really there. She is manic-depressive or bi-polar as the term better is known now. Since I was 11 she had been in and out of mental hospitals. I saw bizzarre behaviour during those yeaars and I had to grow up quick. I came home from school and took care of my younger brother. I got home before he did. I cleaned and cooked, and washed,etc... My brother is 6 years younger than me, and I hid him from a lot of what was going on.   anyway, It came down to the week before the wedding which by the way we planned for July 18th 1981. Dont think I mentioned that before now!  Those days you had to have your marriage license ahead of time. Well, guess what, the week before the 18th was the 12th which was my 18th birthday, and I had to carry my mom with me downtown for the license and SHE had to sign! we had to go on the 11th to get it, and being I wasn't 18 yet(just by a day!) and she had to sign! She was ticked!  anyway, got through that then the wedding. (At the end of May I graduated!) 

 

 

fast forward through those first years now...... Lots of things happened to us along the way, a son in 1988 and a daughter in 1991, along with the typical ups and downs of a marriage. It takes TWO. You both have to give and take in a marriage. IT CANNOT BE ONESIDED!!!  yes, we were young, and a lot of our friends said it wouldn't last, but it has, and it's almost 27 years strong....and going.....

anyway, some things happened in 1993 that werent good financially. So, my parents gave up their little apartment and moved in with us..... For 8 years they lived with us and got us back on our feet. During those years, Was when GOD opened the door and showed me how to witness to my dad. he was still stubborn... So I didnt talk, I SHOWED him Christian love... And he knew there was something differnet..... he saw it and felt it....  To this day though, I'm not sure about my Dad. I Lost him in March of 2007. I was able to be by his bedside alone with him and I was able to pour my heart out to him then. they always say the hearing is the last to go.... he was in a coma, and I have hope he heard me.... I cling to my hope everyday... I pray I see my dad again in Heaven one day... I do have a bit of peace about it. the Lord has given me that, but I dont know the truth about dad... as I said, I have hope....

 

 

There's still alot of blank spaces I could write and fill in, maybe one day I will. My moms battle still goes on. As she ages, it seems to get worse. That is a story in itself. All the horrors of a mental illness that I witnessed as a young girl, as an adult. They are too painful to write about. I still have humps to overcome with this myself. it took a long time to just understand that my mother wasn't doing those things on purpose, that she didnt know and couldn't control it. it took a long time to forgive..... mental illness hurts.. it hurts those who love you the most.... but she is my mother and I love her... sometimes its all I can do....

(Copied from my myspace blog)

 

My hands are shaking. The caffeine that’s keeping me concious has been wearing off. I just made some tea to hopefully get some back in my system. My favorite kind (Called: Blackberry Bounce) is caffeine free. I was really distraught when I saw that.

 

I haven’t slept in a while, or well at all. The shadows under my eyes are getting darker, and I imagine a casual passer-by would assume I’m involved in less than desirable behavior. That’s not the case.

 

I can’t sleep. Some people would ask, "Can’t or won’t?", which I’d probably have to answer with a ’Both’. But I don’t necessarily want to have this be a total bitch rant about my "problems" and how everything is oh so sad. Maybe I’ll get into my junk later.

 

I wish I knew how people felt. That some divine force would imbue me with the power to see other people’s emotions. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so out of place as I do. It’s always bothered me. Is there a giant sign hovering above my head, both physically and virtually, saying: "I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON! BE GONE!"? I keep questioning that more and more lately. Everytime I try to reach out to new people, I’m always "shut down" as some would call it.

 

It really distresses me. I want to meet so many new people, get to know them, help them through problems they’re facing or will experience. But I’m so unsure how to go about all of this. I’ve kept trying to follow that "Golden Rule", treat other people the way you want to be treated, right? I try to reach out with compassion and friendship, and I get.. brushed away? I’m really confused.

 

Is there something wrong with me? Is it that I’m insane? That I care too much? I’m too nosey? I’m not attractive? I’m frightening? I wish someone would tell me. That, or the answer would fall out of the sky like a pile of bricks onto my head. But it seems that I’m still as clueless as ever.

 

Maybe it’s that I just appear to be a typical 18 year old boy, in seek of getting laid? I’ve heard of a lot of instances where guys use the veils of security and understanding to take advantage of girls. Is it that people are too annoyed at how people are to even acknowledge someone new? Just lumping them into a typical sterotype and then done?

 

How many people do we miss that way? How many people do we cut out of our lives because we don’t try to get to know them? But how can you get to know someone when they won’t let you? You can’t force someone to accept you, listen to you, understand you, or have feelings for you, or even love you. It just doesn’t work that way. How do you say to someone, "I’m not like everyone else. I want to be special to you." How do you do that?! I think what upsets me most is that I don’t have any answers.

 

Maybe it’s just that I’m not vocal enough? Or don’t fit their standards? When people do choose to reveal some of their feelings, I discover that they feel so similar to me! So similar I want just want to cry. They want what I want. They desire what I desire. Yet I’m trapped in this little glass prison. I can look at everything and experience nothing.

 

But what’s even odder? I see women and girls go on and on about how they want someone who understands them, who listens to them, who will be there for them, who will cheerish them and never let them go. Someone who can fulfill those tasks... Yet, they get involved with someone the complete opposite. Weaving them obvious lies in order to complete their own needs and desires, aka, sex. They care nothing for the girl’s feelings. For her emotions, her wellbeing. Why?! Why would you do that to yourselves? Why would you get involved with such a person when they’ll only make you feel even worse than you already do?

 

A friend of mine explained this slightly to me, saying that since she had really low self esteem (Even when being an attractive young woman,) that just simple comments and compliments would entice her and make her feel amazing. I imagine that sometimes people just want to feel needed no matter how obvious the lie is that is told to them. I’m so confused! But at the same time, I can understand very well.

 

When reading Jane Eyre in class, we got to one part where Jane says that her need for affection and someone is enough to have her break her own arms, or something along those lines. In which, I’m completely absorbed since the way I feel has finally been uttered! I’m so amazed! I almost want to cry sweet tears of joy for not being the only one to feel that way! Even if it was a woman in the 1800’s. Still, this serenity is shattered by Mrs. Piza as she says, "Can you even imagine how someone could feel this way? It’s absurd." to which the class echos with replies of, "Yeah, that’s fucking weird. That’s really creepy." (This is a Women in Lit class, 95% of the class being female). I was practically crushed. My brief moment of understanding was smited by Mrs. Piza and her lack of comprehension.

 

It’s kind of dawned on me why I can’t sleep. Why I don’t want to sleep. Whatever, same difference. I don’t mean to blame Tif, but since that time, everytime I lay on my bed--I’m alone. I’m overwhelmed by the sensation that it practically causes me physical pain. I close my eyes and long for arms to be wrapped around me, a head resting against my chest which rises and falls with each breath. The day-(night?)-dream is broken when I know that there isn’t anyone to hold me at night. I’m alone in my bed. Alone in my bed wishing for someone to hold onto me and never want to let me go. I know that if I wake up, I’ll still be alone.

I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel this way. But I haven’t been sleeping. My exhaustion is eventually going to catch up with me and I’ll eventually pass out. Probably sooner than later, actually. I’m out of caffeine pills. I’m not sure if I’ll even manage to get through another day of school.

 

I know, I know. This translates into Sane-people-speak to: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. But right now, I don’t really care. I’m pretty sick inside, and I’m not sure if I’m getting better. I’m sick of having to be patient and wait for someone to waltz into my life and change it around. See the person I actually am, what I can and am willing to give. Fall hopelessly in love with me. Want to cuddle with me at night until we both fall asleep. Love all my faults and imperfections. (Someone once told me that in a significant other, all their imperfections become perfections to you). Who wants to hold my hand when we’re together, that they’ll squeeze my hand back after I squeeze theirs. That we can touch our noses together and look into each other’s eyes, smiling. That we would talk about anything and everything, debate different topics and ideas, throw out different view points to discuss. That they’d whisper to me at night, morning, day, whenever, that they don’t ever want to be without me. That they need me.

 

I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. They’re burrowing under my skin and flowing in my blood. It’s coursing through me and causing me so much pain that I’m afraid I might burst.

 

But that’s all they are. Thoughts. Just hopeless pathetic day dreams of a love-sick young man. They have no anchor in reality, and in fact, probably don’t even belong there. But I know that each time I lay down to maybe sleep, I won’t have that sensation. That there isn’t a person around like that.

 

The best part? I’m 18 years old. Well, 19 in a few months. But that makes a big difference. Really. No sarcasm. I have, "my whole life ahead of me". It’s true! Who is to tell what the future might hold? I sure as hell don’t know. But each time someone says that to me, I see an endless span of days feeling exactly the way I do now. Alone. Unable to sleep. Afraid of never finding the one thing that I could ever want out of life.

 

I know about, "The Secret", so you don’t have to tell me. Negative attracts negative, huh? But how do you program your brain to completely change your thought processes and think of everything in a positive manner? How?! Someone tell me! I really would like to know! I understand that if you don’t focus on it working and think that it won’t work, it actually won’t work. But at the same time, I see it as a system to keep people thinking positively. You’re not very depressed and negative if you see positives from everything, so it doesn’t matter if your "Wants" take 20 years to get here, you’ll be thinking positively so it doesn’t matter. I don’t really know how to feel about this. In truth, I have alot of mixed feelings.

 

I imagine if someone bothers to read this, that they’ll see this as a cry for desperation. "Oh, he’s just lonely and depressed and wants someone to fill that gap in his life. It doesn’t matter who it is." Yes and no, really. I don’t want anyone. I just want that someone. But even besides that I’d still like to meet people, talk to people, understand people. But I can’t even do that. There’s some aura around me both in the real world and computer world that pushes people away from me. I don’t understand it at all. I try to be friendly, I try to be a nice and interactive person. Should I just give up? Maybe I’m not suited for all this life stuff. But I’d feel even worse if I just ’gave up’.

 

I guess I can’t very well go around with a sign around my neck that says, "I’m not like everyone else." Or maybe that’s it completely? That I am like everyone else, and everyone is just sick of everyone? I don’t know. Each possibility raises new questions, new debates, new arguements and no answers.

 

Should I change? Should I stop caring completely? Just go with a, "Fuck this shit" and move on? But I’m so unsure. How can I just throw out this "me" that I’ve been trying to understand?

 

In most of my relationships that I’ve had in my oh-so-long lifetime have been, bluntly, complete failures. I’ve always tried to give myself completely to the other person, to put them above myself with the only desire that they’d care about me and love me. It doesn’t matter the cost or price. But for most kids who are 16-18 in the whole dating scheme, commitment issues and having a "lasting and meaningful relationship" is seen as: fucking weird. Why in God’s name would you want to be 18 and tied down in such a serious relationship?! You have your whole life ahead of you! You should be out at parties getting drunk and fucking people you barely know! Any relationship you -do- have should just be a practicer for a serious one that might roll around later in your life!

 

I mean really, why would someone want to tie themselves down like that?! I’ve felt so out of place, ever since I started feeling this way. Which started, what, 8 years ago? 10? I don’t even remember fully. I’ve always been overwhelmed with the sensation that I was out of place. I was searching for something my peers couldn’t even begin to fathom or understand, or want to be apart of. And anyone who maybe did want similar things to me of my age groupings, was definately not interested in me. Why would someone be interested in a shorter, skinny, lonely boy? Why indeed?

 

I thought I actually found what I was looking for, a handful of times. Looking back, I realize that my younger years were wasted, stupid, and upsetting. But the cold realization that eventually blew up in my face with a giant message attached to it saying, "WHOOPS! You sure bought into that one! Haha!" was not very comforting. But they’re learning experiences, right? A good friend, who I consider my best friend and idolize told me something that helped me alot in my last disaster. He told me that even though the times with that person came to an end (and a bad end at that), that he wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything, and never wish that they hadn’t happened.

 

That really helped me get back on my feet, especially when someone who you believe loved you and you were so hopelessly in love with suddenly cuts you out of their life because they ’Lost interest in you’.

I wish that I wasn’t impatient, especially in a manner like this. I wish that I could calmly wait for that perfect person to walk by and everything to work out just like my own little fairy tale. All my day dreams seem so nice. I could actually see myself being happy for once. I don’t expect the woman of my dreams to solve all of life’s problems, but I can see myself having a purpose, and happiness which I’m lacking of both. I can see myself waking up with them in my arms and me in theirs, that I wouldn’t have to feel lonely again because I know that I’d have the security of them being there and loving me.

 

I made the mistake of assuming I had that security there. That the ’other’ felt the way I felt. After she decided to cut me out of her life completely, her reasons being that she couldn’t handle a distanced relationship, I could understand completely! I’m not feeling-less! It was killing me too, but I endured since I knew I’d do anything for her. Which she gave me her reason, I bought a $600 one-way plane ticket down there for that friday to be reassure her that I wasn’t going to disappear, that I’d be there for her. That I’d do anything for her no matter what.

 

It’s come to my attention that normal people don’t do those kinds of things. And I ended up canceling my ticket when her best friend who felt so bad for my distress, told me that she confided in her that she actually lost interest in me and just "didn’t love me anymore". I was crushed. I was ready to do everything and more, but that still wasn’t enough. I can’t fathom it. I can’t understand what’s so horrible with me that makes people just flee from me in all aspects.

 

But that’s where I am now. I’m stuck. I reach out to people who apparently don’t want to be reached out to. Whether they think I’m a typical sex driven guy, or not. I’m probably going to enroll myself into a counseling thing so I can maybe get some "help". So someone will at least listen to me, even if I have to throw money at them in order to do so. Well, maybe more than that. Maybe they’ll give me a solution? Maybe they’ll fix me and make me like a normal person? Maybe maybe maybe. There’s so many maybes these days.

 

Though, I’ve renewed my reading of Prozac Nation, recently. And I want to meet Elizabeth Wurtzel and give her a hug for writting that book. God damnit. In some aspects we’re so similar. And in others, so different. But I have to pace myself when I read it, though. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed when I read how she feels in conjunction with my own feelings that I just want to flop on the floor all discombobulated. So bit by bit, I’m reading the book, and it’s meaning alot to me. It really is amazing.

 

It’s kind of silly, though. I keep refreshing my Myspace page. My facebook page. Deep in my mind half-hoping that something amazing will happen. That the person I long for so badly will suddenly appear and send me a message or something. "You’re exactly what I’ve been searching for!" "Oh wow, me too!" "Awwwww!"

Yeah right. My head is always in the clouds. I’m just constantly reminded of how I don’t belong her. How I shouldn’t feel this way. How this and how that. I think I can see the future, but maybe that’s because I repeat the same routine? Sometimes I wish I could just cry everything away. But of course that isn’t very "manly". It depresses me so much the gender labels that are attached to everything.

 

Waaaaaaaaaah! Maybe I should go to sleep? I’d just sleep and sleep, stay asleep. Because when I’m sleeping I wouldn’t have to acknowledge that I have things to worry about. I could float in the clouds, be loved, do everything I’d ever want to do with my life. It seems too wonderful to last, which might be why we have to wake up after each time we dream. Maybe that’s why we don’t remember? Maybe it’s better that way...

 

But eventually my depressive thoughts recoil and reform into reassuring ones. "Things will get better!" "You don’t know what the future holds!" "Life is full of surprises! You need to look on the bright side!" I know, I know, I know, I keep trying to tell myself that. Maybe I’m just in too much of a sorry state to do this by myself. To cope with this weird do-hickey called ’Life’. It’s so interesting, though. And there’s so much to do... But sometimes, I just really don’t feel like doing anything.

 

Maybe I should just get away from the computer? Here is a website that’s based around social interaction of others, You know, the logo saying, "Myspace, the place for friends." But at the same time I can’t seem to make any new ones through any means. Maybe this is some action of a deity building up a dramatic effect for when that right person comes along and can show how everything else just sucks?

 

That’s nice, but part of me doesn’t really need to be shown that. Then again, maybe I do. I’m not that knowledgable, I haven’t experienced that much. What, 18 years? Holy shit! You don’t mess with that dude. That’s not really the case. Instead, I just have an imagination. God, what a terrible tool I’ve been given.

 

I don’t know, Jane. I think I’d break my arms with you so that I could have some affection as well. This world is so interesting. I want to explore it, and the people in it. I don’t want to let anything stop me or halt me!

Maybe I’ll do some school work and be productive tonight! That would be nice, it seems. Besides, I have to kill the hours that I’ll be awake with something after all.

 

 Maybe it’s true. Maybe I can’t rely on someone else to save me. But I could go for their assistance.

 

Yeah, I think I’d like that.

 

(Copied from my myspace blog)

 

..the end?

 

No, I don't think so. Not yet, at least.

 

But I'm sitting here, unable to think of things to do, when there's actually so many things to do..! Isn't that quite the pickle? But part of me also just wants to write. And write. And write. And keep writting until I'm completely unable to do so anymore. My fingers will leave my hands and abandon me from being over worked! Wouldn't that be nice? I haven't gotten to that point yet, though.

 

There's so many things to write about, that it sometimes doesn't always hit me with the enormity of that aspect. The world, feelings, emotions, thoughts, dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, lusts, nightmares, people, surveys, anything, everything. The list goes on. But at the same time, I have no specifics on what I actuall want to write.

 

For the longest time, I told myself that I wanted to write a book. A fantasy book! A book that I would love to read because it'd have everything in it that I'd want to have. Maybe that's why I've been so dissatisfied with most stories? Nothing turns out how I want them to, even in books. The main character rejects his love interest who adores him.. They follow the path of light and save the world! They live happily ever after... Sometimes I think I should've been raised in a fairy tale. I feel so out of place in this world, that I'm not even sure what to make up it.

 

Still, I read books. I enjoy books. But I always wanted to write that one where everything would happen exactly like I always dream. But maybe I'm actually a lazy person in this regard? Maybe instead I just want the excitement of something I didn't create to entice me? Or even disappoint me? Is that what I look for? It's hard to know, and I'm quite sure that I don't have an answer for that question--like many others.

 

But I think it would be nice to write a book. Even though I struggle with this. When I write, I envision specific scenes in my mind. Certain events take place and unfold without anything leading up to them or anything happening afterwards. I believe the challenge in writting, for me, is to string these aspects together to make a smoothly flowing and connected story. The problem lies in that I eventually lose interest in the struggle to string my thoughts together. It's possible that I haven't discovered that specific thing that will bring meaning to my life that will cause me to do that.

 

Siiiiiiggghhhhhh. Meaning?! That's probably what I really seek! It's so easy to do what people tell you to. (Or in other cases, not to...) There's alot of times where I enjoy the aspect of, "You're going to write a paper, and it'll be on this topic." as opposed to the: "You need to write a paper, it can be about anything you want it to be!" I can see the positives of both. But neither sit well with me. Waaaaaaah! Is it love? Is that what I'm missing in my life? I have my parents, and caring friends... Is it that other kind of love? Who's to know? I'm certain in the fact that I don't know what I want. That I don't know what is best for me. I often wish for a guiding force to enter my life and bring meaning to it.

 

Sure, there are people who can tell you what to do. There are people that can say, "You need an education. It'll make you successful in life." There are so many people like that. So many. Too many. There aren't enough people that go up to you and say, "You need an education, because I believe in you and I need you." Is that what I'm really missing? I know so often my parents have been trying to motivate me with things. Or even trying to motivate myself. Maybe I am just a terrible kid. Maybe I just need more people in my life to influence me. But maybe I'm too closed off? Too 'anti-social'? It's possible. But I at least like to think that I'm better off than I was a few years ago. That much is for certain.

 

I've often thought that the person I'd fall in love with would find me, and want to get to know me just because of how I was. You watch an anime, you see the female character so attached to the main character. How she tackles him whenever she sees him. How she clings to him every moment she's around him... Maybe those shows were made to bring out the silly desires of fairy tale day dreams that some people have? I'm not really sure. But that thought seems nice. The aspect of someone needed me for their own happiness, as opposed to the other way around. It brings a smile to my face at the thought of it.

 

But this society that we live in today. Is the world truely rotten? Everything is a systematic, step-by-step process. It's about knowledge, reality. It's about finding out how things work, the mechanics of the universe. It's not enough to walk outside and see the leaves blow in the wind. We have to question the velocity of wind, with the pulling gravity that tugs continuously on things. We have to delve deep inside the center to examine the pigments in the leaves, the chemcials they are made of, their atomic structures. I'm not saying this science stuff is a bad thing. Not in the least. But I believe that it destroys the beauty and serenity of the world. How often can we look outside the windows and say, "This is a beautiful day, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. As if some unicorns will be out on the grass waiting for me." Maybe all those thoughts are destroyed once we "grow up". Once we enter in this system that sets a standard for everything. It's sad. It really brings much sadness into my life when I think of things this way.

 

Growing up... Earlier today, I notice that I can touch my finger tips to the top of the doorways in my house. (With a minimal amount of stretching.) I remember a time when I would scratch a line on the door frame to measure how tall I was. And now I've grown up. I'm a young man, about to enter the world and finally begin his journey on the path of life. But, somewhere I think I got lost. There's still a kid inside of me. I still feel like a boy. I can remember when I was little, when I was carefree and happy. When I wished more than anything to be a grown up! To make my own decisions! To be on my own! Part of me still yearns for that. But.. maybe I'm filled with doubt? Maybe because I'm beginning to understand the mechanics behind the world?

 

When we're little, we can believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, and all the other stories we're told to keep us under control. I'm not sure when I woke up. That Faith of things we didn't have to see to know they existed... What happened to that? I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I look down at my hands, and I see how they've increased in size. I see my reflection and see the person who I am. Almost 19 years old, and still lost just like a little kid.

 

I know, I know. People always tell me. And continue to do so, that you need to believe in yourself before you can go through life. This makes sense to me, it really does. But I still wonder... Is it so bad to have people believe in you? I suppose there's the society aspect to thank for this again. We're all selfish and self-centered. I am not excluding myself in this. We do things for our own self-interest and benefits. And maybe, that's why I want someone to believe in me? To need me? Because in doing so, I'll have a sense of purpose and action and destination?! Waaaah, there's so many questions!

 

What was I talking about again? Oh! Childhood! Life! Purpose! Yes, I remember now. To be so carefree and happy. When I was little, I didn't really have to worry about being alone, or afraid of being by myself. I can remember with relative clarity my friend who was a girl, Sara. Maybe I can blame her for enjoying people's company so much. I remember going to her house and pre-school with her. Most of my memories from that time are not entirely clear, but I can remember most of it. I miss those days. Maybe that was the start of when I had someone special. Those are fond memories that I don't often think about. Maybe I should take the time to re-think things more and more? The past? Well, we can't really do much about it, except look at the positive things that have happened. Best not to dwell, I suppose.

 

This world is so funny! While lately much of my time is spent in a relatively depressed state, focusing purely on the negative, I'm thankful for the ability to shift my perspective when I desire to do so. I used to think life was so foolish. That people were borne into this world, to grow up, live their lives, reproduce, die, and have their children carry on the same thing. It depresses me so much when I think of things in this way. But, I think I've managed to throw that out. Maybe in a scientific sort of way, it can be concluded that since humans are animals, their purpose is to populate, and reproduce to carry on the species. Though, so people might be offended to be compared to animals. And I think there's more to life than that. But I do confess, I'm not very knowledgable in this department. I mostly pull from my dreams to sew my thoughts together.

 

Life isn't so much about the end result. That you become "Successful"--whatever that even means! What does it mean? To have money? Power? Happiness? How do you do that? Everyone tosses around the words of this "American Dream!" and all it does is make me wonder more and more. I am perplexed. Especially how Americans can entitle themselves more worthy of such dreams than others of the world. It is disgraceful, to say the least. But whether achieving the title of being successful or not, life isn't about that. Not to me, anyway. But I have been thinking hard about this.

 

Is it the path we travel that really matters? The present? The "now"? This is not an excuse for people to interpret this as a probable reason to use drugs and the ilk. "Oh, well we gotta live in the now! Lets get easy pleasure and feeling goods now!" No. I don't believe it works that way. But some may argue me that fact.. I don't mind. These are only my personal feelings, and I mean not to impose my will on others. However, I've been told before that life is short. If we don't enjoy it now, isn't it possible we might never get the chance to ever again? If we don't love now, won't it be possible we might never get a chance? For a long while, this aspect worried me. I was so afraid that I'd never find that special person that I want to bring meaning to my life. I suppose I should use "I am" as opposed to I "was", since was is 'past-tense'. Which isn't really the case. I'm still kind of afraid. I'm still pretty lonely and feel down most of the time. But every now and then I have one of these interesting moments.

 

To break free of our chains! That's a desire too, isn't it?! I can sometimes pick myself up after feeling sad for so long. Reaffirm myself with, "Things will be better!" and "Who's to know what the future holds?!" before doubt will eventually take root and bring me down. Is there something wrong with me? I do actually wish I could hold this attitude for a long period of time. Maybe I'll strive to do so? Look at the world like it's a fairy tale that I belong in. Maybe then things will finally start making sense to me?! Maybe then I will find start having answers instead of so many questions?! It's such a drag to have so many questions! And no answers. None at all. But I suppose this can't really be helped. It's just the way things are. Everything finds a way, right? Well, some people say that. So it must be true in some cases.

 

These blogs interest me. I often wonder actually how often people read them? And for what purpose? Are they curious of how the person actually is, and that they'll discover it in their blog? Do they want to know what happens in their life? Are they just extremely bored and have nothing better to do? Do they actually not even read it, but pretend to and lie that they do out of fear of hurting someone's feelings? I'm not sure! But it must be different for each person. Maybe secretly, everyone else is looking for someone who they can connect with and be drawn to? That would make sense to me. I often click on a new blog entry of someone, hoping that they will think like me, feel like me, dream like me. I'm not sure if someone like that will find me. Or maybe I'm actually supposed to find them? Haha! Things like this are so confusing! It's almost regrettable that they have to be that way. But then again, I suppose that would take all the fun out of living.

 

However, myspace and facebook interest me even more. I am so flabbergasted by what I see here, I'm almost unsure what to think. I suppose a good way to describe it would be linking their states of life together, and to each other. A break up will take place, and that person will fill out surveys on how horrible their life is now without their significant other. How they lost all hope in their life and how no one else can ever bring love into their lives ever again. This confuses me. I'm also confused by when people scream that no one will ever love them, and no on can understand how they feel, and no one cares about them. But in doing so, also cut people off from being able to even fulfill that. Maybe some people just don't measure up in their eyes? He's not very popular, he doesn't wear the clothes or style I like, He's too quiet, He's not handsom enough. I'm confused. I understand the concept of not being able to love everything that shows and interest you, but this whole myspace thing confuses me so much!

 

There's alot of times where I look at a survey, then another, and maybe another after that. I see how people are venting their built up thoughts. I really want to help, I want to help them not feel alone anymore, and reach out. I type a well thought out response to help and express my desire to want to help. If I get any apply at all, it's usually just a few words. "haha, i'm fine, dont worry about me" I don't understand? How can you rant and rave and not expect people to worry? Or is worrying the whole idea in the first place? Or maybe they're afraid some weird stalker boy has suddenly latched onto them? Maybe it's the world we live in.. This place, this odd kind of fairy tale that each of us add to. It confuses me, and I wish I could understand. I've tried hard not to put "myself in their shoes", since I clearly see, think, and feel differently in situations such as these than the other people. To me, a cry for help is desiring comfort from whatever pain is being felt. Isn't that true? Or do I just fail in that aspect? It kind of makes me afraid, fearful that I'm just not good enough for even the simplest of tasks as helping people. Then again, I suppose there's only so much someone can worry about. Hehe, maybe. I'm not entirely sure.

 

 It seems like it's getting late. Not that has been bothering me that terribly much. Is my sleep habits been going all weird because I haven't been thinking clearly? Or maybe I am thinking clearly and I haven't been before? I'm not sure! It's quite the pickle as well. No matter how I slice it, I still have answers to seek.

 

I see my picture next to this blog-post-text-box as I type this. Sometimes I forget that I'm actually real. I almost feel like I should be a cloud or something. Maybe a butterfly. I could drift and fly where I please in peace. Not have to worry about anything in particular. That would be nice. But secretly, I think people take comfort in the fact that there are things to worry about. There's this to be done, this to do, that at this time... It gives meaning to peoples lives, and I think that's what everyone is really looking for, deep down. Meaning. It's so odd! How do you even think or describe something like that? It has no set definition, I think. It's an open-ended thing that varies from person to person. It's times like this, where I wish I knew a lot of people. That way I could listen to what they really want in their lives, what meaning they truely desire. They could open up to me and talk to me about anything at all. It would be so nice, and I could exist for others rather than a purpose of my own. It kinda makes me sad that I can't do that right now, though. Maybe in doing that I'd actually bring meaning to my life as well. I suppose its a little more sad than 'kinda'.

 

How do people view things? I always found it funny ever since I was little, because there was no way to tell what other people felt. You could only rely on how you felt to determine if that's how other people felt too. That fact always bothered me alot. I think that might be why I value communication so much? I like to convey my feelings, and have feelings conveyed to me to understand how the person is feeling. There have been many times where I have felt just dead inside. Unfeeling or not knowing how to feel. Does it make me a terrible person? I'm not entirely sure. When we're little, we're taught that (if you follow christianity) God loves us, and we should do all we can to help people. What happens when we question that? When we start thinking on our own and don't go along with the teachings set down for us? I'm not entirely sure. But I do think it's important to know that you're in control of your own thoughts as opposed to just listening to someone else's. I feel that it better defines the person you are, but I could be wrong about this. After all, I'm still not entirely sure even what kind of person I am. Maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me? I'm not sure. Not sure. Not sure. Not sure! Not sure?! That's all that I can ever seem to think about. I have to wonder if I'm even sure of anything!

 

Well, I'm sure that I love Swedish Fish. That's at least something I'm sure about. Maybe that will be my next task in writting about something. Finding everything I'm sure about. If I did it the other way around and focused on the things I was unsure of... I'm fairly certain I could be here for days and days and days. Though, I'm also fairly certain that since this has reached the length it has, no one will take the time and effort to read through all of this nonsense in it's entirety. It's funny, though. And I'm not too bothered by it. After all, the people who do read it fully. That's who I'd like to meet, and bring meaning to my life.

 

Maybe I'll write like this more often. I enjoyed it alot, even if no one else has. Is that what really counts? Maybe... I can't know for sure. After all, there are still so many things I'm unsure of. Maybe someone will help me try to understand all these things I still don't know about.

 

I'll be looking forward to it!

Well, I figured that I'd continue to write, and more fully dump out my thoughts. Especially as I refresh my myspace-home page hoping to see a "New Message!" thingy appear. At least this will let me get lost in my day dreams and indulge in this happiness that has been injected into my life. A rare thing at that as well. But regardless, I'm still pleased by this. Despite contrary belief, I do actually like being happy. I like it alot.

 

Right now I'm at my friends' apartment, which I consider to be like a second home. Sam is sitting next to me playing WoW, as we listen to a Beck CD. It's pretty fun, but I don't have much to do. I was on EVE-Online a smidge, and showed him and brandon how it worked and operated, but stopped that really quickly. Maybe I'm just intimidated by the vastness of space. Either way, I can't really find that much to do, so here I am.

 

I've also been tossing the idea of going back to working on a story. And also not a World of Warcraft fanfic. As much as I enjoy writting those. I have the thoughts in my head, and lots of different story possibilities at that. But still. The problem I usually have with that, is I have specific scenes that happen in my mind. Vividly and full of detail kind of scenes. The problem lies in how to string them together so they make sense. I'm sure if I stuck at it, I could do it eventually, but for the most part I just don't bother. Maybe I should be more commited to my writtings. But whenever someone goes out of their way to read my crap, it's always, "Oh, it's so good!" Usually said by people who hate to read and probably didn't even bother to read my crap. But either way, maybe I should lighten up my caring in that sector. Too many little things bother me, le sigh.

 

Apart from that, I'm lost in my day dreams. I'm still afraid I'm going to wake up. But at the same time, usually when you're afraid of something, or worried about something, it usually happens. So maybe I can just quit being so focused on these things and let go a little bit. That would be.. really nice. Especially when it comes to this girl. (Referenced as in the post below) I'm half torn between just shutting up and not rambling on about her like a love-sick puppy dog for fear of being a total idiot, and between gushing out everything that I'm feeling with my head in the clouds. But regardless, I'm astonished. That is probably the best way to describe my thought process. It's as if everything that I ever wished for, Some wonderful and amazing girl to save me from myself and make me feel so much better about everything, has just walked into my life. Plus, the rate in which we're connecting, does not help my level of attachment that just continues to grow.  What is wrong with me? While I'm extremely happy, part of me at least wishes that I could be like a normal person and not get so overwhelmingly attached so quickly. Especially when I don't want to turn her off or scare her away. She told me that she won't be, but, I'm still so insane.

 

I wish I could get away from here. I don't mean from my friends' apartment, but rather this area that I'm stuck in within the world. My mind races to thoughts of being places were I could be happy, without care, even if my life is difficult, everything would be okay since I'm there and everything is fine. While we were talking before, I expressed these thoughts of just wishing to get away. Jokingly, she said that I could come live with her. Haha. Except.. That would be so wonderful. Normal people simply just dismiss these kinds as haha-funny kinds of things. But me, of course not. I just have to be an idiot. Letting my mind wander onto the possibilities and how happy and dreamy it would be to be with someone so wonderful, and to me, perfect. But normal people don't think like that. What's wrong with me?

 

Either way, I'm happy with how things are. And I don't ever want to wake up. I just need to keep my daydreams in check.

Yesterday was.. What is the right word? Despite not being able to take community service for the remaining semester (Which, I must say, I am so pissed off about this, I've had it with these douche bags dicking around my schedule over and over again), it was, Dreamy? That sounds like the right word. Especially in the whirling pit of nothingness that is goading me to jump in.

 

Dreamy? Rightfully so. Especially on the manner of not wishing to wake up for fear that it might all be a dream and this was just some random scheme thrown into my head to make me feel miserable. But, I met someone. No, not like that. However, the turn in which my life has suddenly taken is absurd. It's amazing how meeting someone can light up a darkness that's been busy consuming your insides. I spent the most of yesterday (Since I got home early) talking to her, and I enjoyed myself greatly. Talking. Connecting. It really feels like I've met her somehow, but of course, that isn't possible. Considering she's on the other side of the globe. Le sigh, it's a bit upsetting. But I have to tell myself that I am the way I am now because of where I am and what has happened to me, and I wouldn't meet people if those things changed. So.. I guess, in a way, it's a good thing I'm a completely insane idiot or else I wouldn't've met her. I enjoyed talking to her so much, and here's a chance where I can actually help someone else instead me feeling miserable and another person trying to deal with my insanity. I could ramble on for a very, very long time at how bubbley I feel at this encounter and connection, but I'll spare her the embarassment and chance to scare her away since she reads my page. Though, I am, for what's seemed like a long time, very happy.

 

Today there is no school, since freezing rain started up. And, out of the goodness of their hearts, the school decided to yank the stick out of their ass and close it for today. Probably because every school in a 50 mile radius was closed, and maybe they felt a little inclined. I cannot wait until I graduate. I cannot wait to break free of this prison. I'm almost half tempted to just buy a plane ticket to some random place and head there and start my life anew. This is, of course, insane. Some people might think about something in a day dream and then just brush it off, where as I take it to heart and strongly consider doing it. Ugh. What's wrong with me?

 

Either way, I've got to get out, and I'm not sure if I can endure the four months that's left until I am. It's always a "Well, time goes so fast!" No, no it doesn't. Time is very slow, so slow that it nearly causes me physical pain. But of course it would be "stupid" to quit school and go somewhere else in the country, canada, europe, or somewhere else. The part in my mind labeled "Reason" slaps me across the face and says that I'd probably just die from not having anywhere to go, money to buy food, unable to find a job, ect ect ect. The "Insane" part counters with a, "So what?" but ugh. I feel so stupid sometimes. Normal people probably shouldn't consider such things.

 

Still. My mind is spinning and it's making me dizzy, I'm unable to get a grasp on it to make it stop. I have the day to myself, but I'll probably just end up working on Xenogears (I fell asleep last night playing it without saving...) or read Prozac Nation, or maybe do some non-blog writting just for the sake of writting. That might be fun. Though, I'd like to do something a little more creative that write World of Warcraft fan fics. Hah. I have ideas to mind, but I haven't given them any wings yet. Maybe I'll do that today, I'll have to see. I almost forgot today was friday. Day off + weekend is wonderful. I suppose lady lucks throws me a glance every now and then. Though, a pessimistic part of me wonders when all this happiness will just suddenly cease like it likes to do, as if it gets some pleasure out of seeing my spirits fall. But really, I don't care.

 

If this is a dream, don't let me wake up.