Better @ MindSay 
happy
However, this could be short lived, depending. It seems, now that a friend of mine is inviting me out and we're hanging out more, I'm alone less and it has made me happier and I think less and less about Andy.
Also, he invited me to hang out today... and I called him last night, no answer. And he hasn't called me, and today I was going to call him to ask, but reasoning came to me, that said HE's the one that invited me to hang out, shouldn't HE be the one calling. He just made plans that he had no intenion of keeping, yet again. He's not getting anything from me, now. I just needed to be mistreated again, so I would know for sure, I guess. And I have something to move on to: hanging out with someone else who does appreciate me and keeps their promises, etc.
I am getting better, I think. Or have at least made a start. Thanks to all you on Mindsay who have driven it in to me like I have myself. : P Let's hope I keep it up...
Well, that was a good nap; I won’t be able to sleep ‘til around 3 am, again.
Anthony’s room was freezing! I swear I saw my breath a couple of times.
He was sleeping on his back and “not” snoring…a good/bad thing. Good because I’d be able to fall asleep, bad because I may wake him and I don’t wanna do that.
Anthony: you don’t haveta tiptoe…I’m awake.
Me: sorry
Anthony: so’kay…I was just lyin’ here (he pulls back the covers for me) sad your girl left?
Me: *sigh* no…I found something out about a friend and it made me sad…
Anthony: who…what happened?
I told him my discovery.
Anthony: babe…we all have shit we’ve gotta go through…he’s fine
Me: you’re never fine after going through shit like that…it’s impossible…it plagues you
Anthony: his pain is no greater or lesser than yours then…
Me: exactly…it’s worse to me when others feel pain…I wish they could hand it over cuz…I’m so use to it…it’s not going to add to my burden
Anthony: but it is…look at you…
Me: but that’s because he’s not letting me know…like he’s hiding it…but he’s not…cuz other people know…my pain maybe made him feel worse…was I a trigger…I don’t wanna be a trigger for anybody
Anthony: are you crying?
Me: yeah
Anthony: c’mere *hugs me* I love you and I hate to see you in pain…which is why my hand is the way it is…I don’t want you to hurt…it crushes me…you’re fine…he’s fine and you guys are gonna get better and better…have you talked to him about it?
Me: no…I don’t think he wants to talk to me about it
Anthony: go to sleep, paul’s coming at seven *yawns* we’re both exhausted.
I lay there for about fifteen minutes…my feet were freezing…I gingerly touched his calf with my popsicle toes but quickly pull them away.
Anthony: go ahead…you can warm your toes on me.
When I awake Paul is sitting in a chair reading a book with a book light!
Anthony and I both have black out shades in our rooms.
I’m thinking…why is he sitting in here and why is he sitting in here?
I tug on Anthony’s ear and whisper, “are you awake? stpauliesgirl is sitting in your chair with an ipod and a book light…did you tell him to do that…how come he’s not in the office?
Anthony whispers back, because he’s…….afuckinmoron.
We both snort out giggles
Anthony: PAUL!......
stPauliesgirl jumps…he still doesn’t know I’m in the bed.
Anthony: what da fuck you doin’ man?!!
Stpauliesgirl: i….um…..the office is locked….you told me to wake you and um…..
Anthony: that’s wakin’ me?
Paul doesn’t answer.
Anthony clicks the lamp on and I rub my eyes, stretch and see a bewildered look on pauls face.
Stpauliesgirl:….uh…um…hey Belle
Me: hey…..is mel cooking dinner?
Stpauliesgirl: i…think….she’s almost finished….
Anthony: she is finished you dick head….she wouldn’t…..wait….did she tell you dinner was ready?
Stpauliesgirl: …..um…yeah…..i sorry….i just didn’t want to wake you.
I stretch and get out of bed.
We all go down to eat dinner as a family.
I am now in the office with them and blogging to you.
Paul is giving Savio some songs from his iPod, some Argentinean rock group.
Anthony is…..what the fuck is he doing?
Oh…he’s reading news articles on line.
And now I’m going to check my inbox.
After I blink and scratch my leg….LOL!
..... But, apparently I am an introverted, gutless wonder who can't do what needs to be done.....
Thank you one and all. Your kind words are very appreciated. (i try to thank everyone last night from home but my computer was sending a error when i publish my blog)
SO, I'm blogging from WORK. I have until Nov. 16th. I'm not going to work. I'm feeling a little better, I did a lot of crying and still do when my mind is thinking about "22 years!", I guess it takes time. It' like a lost of something, I guess you have to be in my shoes.
Thanks again Everyone.
Friday totally made up for Thursday. I don't regret posting about it, though. Sometimes it's nice to just get stuff out.
It's also nice when the stuff just dissipates and goes away.
Work was good on Friday, the gym was good until I got a headache and just let myself go home, and then at the last minute, I dragged myself to services and I'm very glad I went. The service was huge, we had a women's dinner on the 2nd floor which was really nice, and then MASS TRANSIT, NYU's premiere a capella group, sang to us for about 45 minutes. And let me tell you; they were fantastic. wow. Some of 'em were cute, too ;).
And I talked to 'Josh', who is the senior in the group, because I wanted to know if anyone had invited them to sing at Relay yet, and they're already coming. And as he felt like announcing to me, 'all single' (at least the 12 who were there that night), which means the boy who looked like an angel when he sang...damn :). Probably a college sophomore, but I guess I could pretend :).
Basically, I'm better. I'm trying to let things go and breathe and just remember that even if things suck temporarily, I have it pretty damn good.
*Strange moment of yesterday: Opening my copy of AMNY (A.M. New York, for all you country bumpkins :p) waiting for the train, and seeing them interview three people about how they think the racial tension in New York is. Do you know who the first person they interviewed was? MASDEU. Do you know who Masdeu is? Oh, he's an NYU security guard who works in the building I used to live in. How ridiculous is that? Masdeu. The guy I started calling MasDON'T after he was a jerk one night. Ha ha. How lame am I? But I looove Masdeu. And there he was, in the paper.
And now...READING!!!!
**also of importance to note: Zevu is home, and safe. He was missing for over a week, and they thought a bear had gotten him, but he showed up, thin and scared, last night or Thursday night. Thank G-d.
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