Betrayal @ MindSay

cyn called the cops because i "posted a blog entry saying that if you didn't sleep with someone by tuesday you were going to kill yourself." i'm not sure i want to see either of them ever again right now. i'm so fucking pissed. do you see those words anywhere on this blog? ANYWHERE? i know she wants albert to stay away from me, but fuck, lying to cops n sending them to my appartment? now that's a new fucking low if i've heard one...

even just coming on here i started getting anxious because i knew that when i looked, i'd see that albert hasn't been by n i was right. i'm trying not to think about it because its starting to REALLY hurt, but i'm trying to have fun here n make the most of things. i'm actually having a great time, despite the fact that i can't get albert out of my fucking head n i had another dream with him where cyn let us get back together n we had sex n stuff n then cyn made us break up again. i don't know why, but i'm starting to worry about him n want to call him, but i can't. its not all bad, the things that have been making me think of them, tho. like two nights ago i was watching bizarre foods w/ andrew zimmer on the travel channel n they were in iceland, which has a lot of hot springs. this guy had a chicken that used nothing but steam heating- he could boil water in 10 seconds n had an oven that used steam to heat things, too. he had rice cooked in 10 minutes, n not that easy rice shit, either. i thought that cyn would appreciate that, u know if the two of us were still on speaking terms...n she wasn't a bitch, haha

 

oh, n yesterday i got a call from my boss at EOP while i was with anna at her cousin jamie's appartment in pittsburg, PA. apparently he'd gotten a call on friday, too, n as soon as i saw the 707 area code on my phone i knew it would be something fucked up, n i knew i shouldn't have answered, but i did. i can't wait to get back to school n find out that all my professors n everything know, too. seriously cyn, if u really were worried about me, why would u put me thro this? do u know how embarassing this is to have everyone think they're in on a situation that they're not? n seeing as how the cops lied to me about not saying anything to my roomies, god knows what they've told to anyone else. seriously albert, how could u let that fucking cunt do this to me even after all that shit u told me about how u understand what i'm going thro, after all the shit u said about how pissed off u were when you got kicked out of ur school n had to talk to cops for some bullshit reason? i guess u really never did love me like u said u did, n there's few things short of moving the stars themselves to prove to me that u did. He once said that he's like Homer Simpson and Cyn is like Marge Simpson from the simpsons. if that's the case, then he's like Phillip J. Fry and i'm like Tarunga Leela from futurama. the only difference is i didn't say it would never happen n if he wanted something between us again, i'm not saying never again, but there's few things short of moving the starts themselves that he could do to get me back right away.

 

well now that i've gone n made myself upset again, i'm gonna go hang out w/ anna n vince until vince leaves for work. i'm not sure what me n anna are gonna do today. we took gabe with us to pennsylvania yesterday n to anna's grandma's the day before that, n yesterday he seemed to be getting antsy that he was out of the house for a long amount of time, so it might be better to stick around the house today. we'll see what happens, tho.

For all of you out there that have been betrayed, lied too, and utterly surpirsed with divorce; I am so sorry.  It stinks, and life goes on.  You will meet a person that deserves your love and generousity that is a true partner, and you will be able to pick better.  It is not the pain the of the love affair, it is the pain of the lies and lack of respect or trust--that is a much more damaging wound.

 

Why is it that some people put themselves between a rock and a hard place? Then when they feel the pressure and full consequences of their decisions, they want to divert the pain, suffering, and blame to another?  Some need to constanty beat others up or put them down in order to feel any self worth. 

Some people believe the rest of the world is too stupid to add up the facts.  Well, they are not.  People came to me and asked my perspective because they had already come to their own conclusions.  They KNEW.  Many KNEW before me...

 

I asked for NONE of this info.  Friends thought it was important for me to know the truth.

 

Guess what?  My poo stinks, and cheaters and liar poop is even stinkier!  Do I have issues, heck yah!  Do I do my best to act with curtesy and grace, heck yah!  Am I always successful, probably not...Am I a private person, heck no!  I am as WYSIWYG as it comes, and bless my mother for that.  The fruit falls close to the tree.

 

Face the music sweethearts, cause eventually the truth comes out and we all gotta dance.  I'm ready to boogie because I am proud of my behavior and who I am. 

 

Here's a dose of reality as I see it.  Some may attest it might be warped.  But my shrink and therapist seem to think that I am right on the ball.  The fact I have a shrink and a therapist may leave some wondering, keep wondering and reading my blog....perhaps I'll share more on that topic another day.

 

Anyway despite my issues....I didn't screw my spouses' bestfriend.  I didn't leave the man I love and devoted to for another that makes more money and seems "classier."  BTW, stealing your bestfriends' wife ain't classy... nor is leaving your hubby and jumping into the arms of his good friend--not a very good friend if you ask me... but who am i?... the ousted x... I may be ousted... that doesn't change what they did...

i patiently waited months for my side of the story, and now that everyone knows, they can understand why I might be a little upset....

 

(If he'll do with you, he'll do it to you... someday ask about the one he left me for... he lost a house in that one... wonder why he sugested I sign a quit claim?) 

 

I didn't think signing the quit claim mattered because he told me I was his soul mate, wrote me amazing love letters, and told me we would be together forever and have babies.  We know how that turned out--don't we.  Ahhhh to be young and naive.... LADIES... NEVER...EVER... sign a prenup or a quit claim...

 

I'm not perfect, and I'm hurt too, and I didn't run to the arms of my husbands' good friend for consolation.  So Madame X has no right to send me harrassing text messages about slander when there are no names, and her comment, "divorce hurts."  OH PLEASE!  "Divorce hurts... yah think!?!? WTF? ... I've been living it for 9 months on top of betrayal, lying, and a narcisstic wound that she may be better than me... which we know is impossible at this point....

 

Although it is not about better or worse... just different.... they are going through a difficult time, and they are making these choices because they believe it is best for them, and it very well maybe... not for me to judge....

If they didn't want people to know, they shouldn't have done it.  Did they think everyone was stupid.  EVERYONE figured out about OREGON.  Oh people--please!  They are just too polite to say.   They didn't have to talk to me or read my blog to figure it out.  They came and told me....

 

Plus my blog is a mode of therapy.  We know I can use some of that!  OR at least that's how the story goes, many have told me.

 

Instead of running into the arms of my lover... because he kicked me out of our home.  I went to a dog rescue and lived in a small room that smelled that urine because my husband refused any access to our accounts while she was sleeping in my home, in my bed, leaving condoms on the floor for my beloved dog to choke on.  At the time, I prayed daily for what my beloved was going through hoping we would make ammends.  Also, please note the people I stayed with are AMAZING, kind, and generous.  Having all those rescue dogs as therapy and daily running on the farm was the BEST medicine for a wounded heart and betrayed spirit.

Anyway, Madame X better stop texting me harrasing garbage.  She's got the man I thought was my soul mate, what more does she want?  I've had it!

 

Actions speak louder than words baby! These words are pretty powerful, and some actions even more.  Madame X needs to stop reading my blog, stop stalking me, and move on with her life.  You think divorce hurts!  She's got my husbands' heart, she fed him in front of me around a campfire on our 6th anniversary.  Yeah, divorce hurts.  There's one dead tree at Salt Point that can attest to that.

 

Just leave me alone to settle business, let me lick my wounds, and let me heal... she can go cry in the arms of my husband, in my home, with my dogs on her lap... in the bed we bought together and made passionate love on.... she made her bed, she can lie in it... yeah, i would say divorce hurts... he's all hers...good good luck & good riddance... why the heck would i want him

 

P.S: They've talked about spawning little babie's.... yah good luck with that... who's going to change the diapers... apparently they're both immune to shit...

 

As much as I wish these were uncommon events in our culture.  They are not.  So many have shared tehir own stories of pain and anguish.  I am so sorry.  Perhaps our culture needs to rethink the laws of "monogamy" and "marriage."  I just don't know anymore, and have a ton to think about.  Happily ever after only exists in Hollywood, trust love and devotion take WORK.  May the two of them learn how to WORK on their problems and have a happy lives.  They have a lot of WORK to do and a little relationship counseling in the beginning would probably be a good proactive step for them since they are beginning with a seed of mistrust and doubt in their hearts.  May they enjoy there lives together, and leave me alone... divorce is simply business and a legal transaction at this point.... 

 

Forgiveness is not for the other person.... it is for you to find in your heart to move forward... daily i say a prayer of forgiveness for both of them... today i think i will be praying extra hard, somewhere between that rock and a hard place...

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no Alibi
‘Cause I’ve Drawn Regret
From the truth
Of a Thousand Lies

So let Mercy Come
And Wash Away
What I’ve Done

I'll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

Put to rest
What you Thought of Me
While I clean this Slate
With the Hands of Uncertainty

So let Mercy Come
And Wash Away
What I’ve Done

I'll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

For What I’ve Done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m Forgiving What I’ve Done!!!

I'll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

What I’ve Done
Forgiving What I’ve Done

 

****

Here we go for the hundredth time,
Hand grenade pins in every line,
Throw 'em up and let something shine.
Going out of my f**king mind.
Filthy mouth, no excuse.
Find a new place to hang this noose.
String me up from atop these roofs.
Knot it tight so I won't get loose.
Truth is you can stop and stare,
Bled myself out and no one cares.
Dug a trench out, laid down there
With a shovel up out to reach somewhere.
Yeah someone pour it in,
Make it a dirt dance floor again.
Say your prayers and stomp it out,
When they bring that chorus in.

I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.
I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away,
Just to throw it away.

I bleed it out.
Go, stop the show.
Choppy words and a sloppy flow.
Shotgun opera, lock and load,
Cock it back and then watch it go.
Mama help me, I've been cursed,
Death is rolling in every verse.
Candy paint on his brand new hearse.
Can't contain him, he knows he works.
F**k this hurts, I won't lie.
Doesn't matter how hard I try.

Half the words don't mean a thing,

And I know that I won't be satisfied.
So why, try ignoring him.
Make it a dirt dance floor again.
Say your prayers and stomp it out,
When they bring that chorus in.

 

****

 

AND HERE IN THE NIGHT
AS I FEEL THE INFERNO
I STARE IN THE DARK
THINKING WHAT IS ETERNAL

THE MAN OR THE MOMENT
THE ACT OR THE REASON
THESE THOUGHTS FILL MY HEAD
AS I CONTEMPLATE TREASON

OF DREAMS I HAVE HAD
AND DREAMS I HAVE PONDERED
WHEN LATE IN THE NIGHT
MY MIND IT WOULD WANDER

TO THINGS I HAVE DONE
AND THEN QUICKLY REGRETTED
WHILE DENYING VICES
MY LIFE HAD SELECTED

AND I THINK WHAT I'VE DONE
OR HAVE YET TO BEGIN
AND THE MAN I'VE BECOME
AND THE MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CAUGHT IN A WALTZ
WITH THE ETERNAL DANCER
I'M COURTED BY DEATH
BUT DEATH ISN'T THE ANSWER
I SAY

ALL I WAS
MEANT TO BE
COULD I
SUDDENLY
JUST DECIDE
NOT A THOUGHT
WOULD SURVIVE
COULD IT BE
MY LIFE'S WORTH
ENDED THERE
WITH MY BIRTH

IF I COULD SEE SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN THERE BEFORE ME
AND TRADED HIS SOUL
FOR A MOMENT OF GLORY

HIS PENANCE OR MERCY
BY SPIRITS DEBATED
WHILE JUDGED ON A SCALE
THAT'S BEEN HEAVILY WEIGHTED

AND WHAT HAVE I DONE
COULD THERE BE SUCH A SIN
IN THIS MAN I'VE BECOME
IN THIS MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CALLING TO GOD
FROM THE PIT'S VERY BOTTOM
I PRAY HE FORGIVES
EVERY SIN I'VE FORGOTTEN
THIS DAY

AND WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THAT MY FATE IT WOULD CONJURE
THIS TWIST IN THE ROAD
ON WHICH I HAVE WANDERED

EACH VISION AND DREAM NOW
COMPLETELY DISMEMBERED
TO GIVE ONE'S WHOLE LIFE
AND FIND NOTHING'S
REMEMBERED

AND WHAT GOOD IS A LIFE
THAT LEAVES NOTHING BEHIND
NOT A THOUGHT OR A DREAM
THAT MIGHT ECHO IN TIME

THE YEARS AND THE HOURS
THE SECONDS AND MINUTES
AND EVERYTHING THAT
MY LIFE HAS PLACED IN IT
BETRAYED
BETRAYED
BETRAYED

THE THINGS I HAVE DONE
THE PLACES I'VE BEEN
THE COST OF MY DREAMS
THE WEIGHT OF MY SINS

AND EVERYTHING THAT
I'VE GATHERED IN LIFE
COULD IT BE LOST
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
NIGHT

Evil comes in many forms.  Predators seek out the vulnerable.
The following is a story that shows a avenue to be aware of. ( It can be anyone!) theexposer 



Sexual Misconduct in the Church

When Mentor Becomes Molester

Ministers are often granted immediate trust . . . but some betray it.

by Alexa Smith  

When Anne's minister first began approaching her sexually, she was utterly dependent on him in other ways. He was her counselor, her mentor and, she thought, someone who had her best interests at heart.

She remembers how the mentoring slowly turned sexual. He said having sex wasn't wrong, even though she didn't feel it was quite right.

Why didn't she tell? She would say she thought no one would believe her, a "20-something-nobody" who was new in town and didn't have many friends anyway. "There was nobody to tell," she says. And even though her marriage was emotionally bankrupt, what would her husband do?

"I felt I wouldn't be believed. It would be my word against his. And it was risky--what would it do to my marriage? At the time, people didn't understand the dynamics of the abuse of power, and I didn't either. I just felt I'd done something bad."

"I felt I wouldn't be believed. It would be my word against his. And it was risky--what would it do to my marriage? At the time, people didn't understand the dynamics of the abuse of power, and I didn't either. I just felt I'd done something bad."

Like most women, it took Anne years to tell. And though she finally helped draft her presbytery's first sexual misconduct policy, it took a supportive new relationship and years of reflection before she understood how her pastor had simply used her for sex while she was supposedly in his care.

The Office of the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) estimates that there are about 50 clergy sexual misconduct cases every year. Although cases in the PCUSA tend to involve adult women and male pastors, there are sometimes cases reported that involve children and other men.

Some of the cases involve men who are predators, who repeatedly prey on vulnerable women and lack remorse for their behavior. Other sexual abusers are what experts call wanderers--people who have crossed sexual boundaries inappropriately but, with treatment, have a fairly good prognosis for change. For predators, who are sociopathic, the statistics are not as hopeful.

According to the Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence in Seattle, Washington, both categories of abusers tend to have little sense of the damage their behavior causes, have limited impulse control, are often charismatic and talented, but secretive, and tend to confuse sex with affection. They also have little awareness of how much power they wield, and they tend not to recognize their own sexual feelings.

How do women get into relationships with them? Research shows that most women who are abused by clergy are initially approached because they are too insecure or too vulnerable to say no or, perhaps more important, to tell anyone about it. Or they may be in the midst of a life crisis and especially vulnerable. Usually they are women who want to please the man who has become indispensable to their emotional lives, either as a confidante, counselor, priest, or they might even say savior because of the kind of dependency they have felt.

For more:

http://www.advocateweb.org/HOPE/mentormolester.asp