Betrayal @ MindSay 
love
GRIEF, PEOPLE. XD
Vicki, one of my longtime best friends since Grade Five, recently told me over MSN that her boyfriend broke up with her that she had been dating for about a year and a little bit. She's been telling me since how upset she's been about it, and I keep trying to comfort her.
I went to Youth tonight, saw Myles. But soon enough, Jocelyn (one of Vicki's friends, she kinda annoys me though - she's a big chatterbox)came up to me and told me that Vicki needed me. I looked around, and noticed Vicki had disappeared. I followed Jocelyn into the ladies washroom, to find a worried Jocelyn, torn up Vicki, a concerned Marissa (another one of my buddies who is nearly 20) and a confused me. Vicki hadn't been crying, but I could tell by how red her eyes were that she had been. The poor girl.
We kept telling Vicki how everything would be alright in the long run. I told her that there were many better fish in the sea than her boyfriend, Matt, was. Jocelyn was back and forth, between comforting Vicki and yelling at Matt (he also goes to Youth, for some reason that is unknown). I was sort of spying on the conversations they held; only to discover that her boyfriend didn't really care. He also said, "If she wasn't so clingy, then maybe we would get back together." I raised a fist to myself, indicating how much I wanted to punch him, and whispered "jerk" to myself. I retreated back to the washrooms, and soon enough, I confessed how much I could relate to her - and then everything about the abusive relationship I was in spilled out.
Everyone looked so shocked when I was telling my story, and I could tell they just couldn't believe it as I told every detail. About the persuaded cybersex, and I only discovered today that somebody thinks it's considered "sexual harrassment"... Would it be...? And then when I got to the part of the story where I admit that I used to cut myself, I just broke down and bawled. Marissa was hugging and holding me so tightly as I buried my head into her shoulder. Then she told me to look at her, and I did - and she grabbed me by the shoulders, and told me that absolutely nothing was my fault. She asked if I was the first ones I told this to, and I said "pretty much". I told them how insane and unhappy I felt, and they said that my experience with this consistant emotional abuse must have been Satan`s work. I denied, and said it was God's - for I do believe my experience happened for a reason. Marrisa then looked me in the eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders again, and said:
"...Can I tell you something? I mean, something I know that is true."
"...What?"
"Jesus still loves you, Emily. He does so much."
And again, I started tearing up again. They kept telling me how much of a good person I was, and how much they both loved me. They kept telling me that I shouldn't take any blame for anything, and how I wasn't the bad person that she kept telling people I was.
And that was when Vicki started acting up...
She said she was becoming cold, and I noticed the red in her cheeks was beginning to quickly fade. She said she was starting to feel dizzy, and that was when she broke down so hard. Marissa and I were trying to keep her up on her feet; and Jocelyn went to get an adult. ML (short for Mary-Lynn) kept telling her to calm down, and that was when I decided to call my mom to come and pick us up. Mom agreed.
While we were waiting, Jocelyn told Vicki that her boyfriend was dating Cassandra (a girl she knows, who is 18). I frowned. How low can a person be? To break up with somebody, and start going out with your ex's friend like, two days later?
When mom arrived, I helped Vicki to the man. She couldn`t catch her breath. I asked Vicki if she wanted me to stay at her home for a few minutes, to help her calm down. She said, "Please...!"
Once mom pulled into Vicki's driveway, I quickly got out and helped Vicki into her home. Her mom was there, and Vicki broke down again. Her mom kept putting Vicki's head down. I kept telling her the same things, how Matt wasn't worth it, and how things like this just happen. I also said, "Vicki, when you become a mom, it's a good thing - because you'll be able to tell your kids this story when they go through the same thing." She kept spitting about how much she hated him, how she would never talk to him again - and how her love for him totally vanished. She stared at me hard, and said, "Emily, I wish you were at my High School!".
I remained silent for a moment, before I gently rested a hand on her shoulder and said, "Vicki... The mouth says one thing, and the heart and mind say the opposite. You may say you hate him, but deep down I know you still love him - even if it's a teeny bit. I know this is really heart breaking for you, but you're bigger than to be emotionally torn up by some jerkface like Matt."
Then Vicki's mom commented about how beautiful my smile was. I laughed, and thanked her. I said I had my mother's smile, and I told her how much I hated it, and covered it up with my hand. She told me to let it show, and then said that we needed more people who smile out there in this world. I agreed.
"Vicki, I know this is really tough for you..."
"I can't believe he DID that! And Cassandra, too!"
"...I know. But I can tell you, that I would never ever do something like that."
Then she rested her hand on my arm, "I know you wouldn't, Em'! I trust you, and I love you."
Then, her dad came downstairs to go pick up her little sister from a friend's house - and he offered to take me home. Vicki was looking a lot better than she had previously, so I asked her if she was gonna be okay, and she nodded and told me she would be fine. I stood up, slipped my coat on, and she hugged me and thanked me. Then her father spoke up...
"Hey," he said, speaking to his daughter. Vicki turned to look at him.
"That right there, that's a really good friend." Then I put my shoes on, got in his car, and he drove me home.
...Which leads me to here, as I wrote that blog entry.
even just coming on here i started getting anxious because i knew that when i looked, i'd see that albert hasn't been by n i was right. i'm trying not to think about it because its starting to REALLY hurt, but i'm trying to have fun here n make the most of things. i'm actually having a great time, despite the fact that i can't get albert out of my fucking head n i had another dream with him where cyn let us get back together n we had sex n stuff n then cyn made us break up again. i don't know why, but i'm starting to worry about him n want to call him, but i can't. its not all bad, the things that have been making me think of them, tho. like two nights ago i was watching bizarre foods w/ andrew zimmer on the travel channel n they were in iceland, which has a lot of hot springs. this guy had a chicken that used nothing but steam heating- he could boil water in 10 seconds n had an oven that used steam to heat things, too. he had rice cooked in 10 minutes, n not that easy rice shit, either. i thought that cyn would appreciate that, u know if the two of us were still on speaking terms...n she wasn't a bitch, haha
oh, n yesterday i got a call from my boss at EOP while i was with anna at her cousin jamie's appartment in pittsburg, PA. apparently he'd gotten a call on friday, too, n as soon as i saw the 707 area code on my phone i knew it would be something fucked up, n i knew i shouldn't have answered, but i did. i can't wait to get back to school n find out that all my professors n everything know, too. seriously cyn, if u really were worried about me, why would u put me thro this? do u know how embarassing this is to have everyone think they're in on a situation that they're not? n seeing as how the cops lied to me about not saying anything to my roomies, god knows what they've told to anyone else. seriously albert, how could u let that fucking cunt do this to me even after all that shit u told me about how u understand what i'm going thro, after all the shit u said about how pissed off u were when you got kicked out of ur school n had to talk to cops for some bullshit reason? i guess u really never did love me like u said u did, n there's few things short of moving the stars themselves to prove to me that u did. He once said that he's like Homer Simpson and Cyn is like Marge Simpson from the simpsons. if that's the case, then he's like Phillip J. Fry and i'm like Tarunga Leela from futurama. the only difference is i didn't say it would never happen n if he wanted something between us again, i'm not saying never again, but there's few things short of moving the starts themselves that he could do to get me back right away.
well now that i've gone n made myself upset again, i'm gonna go hang out w/ anna n vince until vince leaves for work. i'm not sure what me n anna are gonna do today. we took gabe with us to pennsylvania yesterday n to anna's grandma's the day before that, n yesterday he seemed to be getting antsy that he was out of the house for a long amount of time, so it might be better to stick around the house today. we'll see what happens, tho.
For all of you out there that have been betrayed, lied too, and utterly surpirsed with divorce; I am so sorry. It stinks, and life goes on. You will meet a person that deserves your love and generousity that is a true partner, and you will be able to pick better. It is not the pain the of the love affair, it is the pain of the lies and lack of respect or trust--that is a much more damaging wound.
Why is it that some people put themselves between a rock and a hard place? Then when they feel the pressure and full consequences of their decisions, they want to divert the pain, suffering, and blame to another? Some need to constanty beat others up or put them down in order to feel any self worth.
Some people believe the rest of the world is too stupid to add up the facts. Well, they are not. People came to me and asked my perspective because they had already come to their own conclusions. They KNEW. Many KNEW before me...
I asked for NONE of this info. Friends thought it was important for me to know the truth.
Guess what? My poo stinks, and cheaters and liar poop is even stinkier! Do I have issues, heck yah! Do I do my best to act with curtesy and grace, heck yah! Am I always successful, probably not...Am I a private person, heck no! I am as WYSIWYG as it comes, and bless my mother for that. The fruit falls close to the tree.
Face the music sweethearts, cause eventually the truth comes out and we all gotta dance. I'm ready to boogie because I am proud of my behavior and who I am.
Here's a dose of reality as I see it. Some may attest it might be warped. But my shrink and therapist seem to think that I am right on the ball. The fact I have a shrink and a therapist may leave some wondering, keep wondering and reading my blog....perhaps I'll share more on that topic another day.
Anyway despite my issues....I didn't screw my spouses' bestfriend. I didn't leave the man I love and devoted to for another that makes more money and seems "classier." BTW, stealing your bestfriends' wife ain't classy... nor is leaving your hubby and jumping into the arms of his good friend--not a very good friend if you ask me... but who am i?... the ousted x... I may be ousted... that doesn't change what they did...
i patiently waited months for my side of the story, and now that everyone knows, they can understand why I might be a little upset....
(If he'll do with you, he'll do it to you... someday ask about the one he left me for... he lost a house in that one... wonder why he sugested I sign a quit claim?)
I didn't think signing the quit claim mattered because he told me I was his soul mate, wrote me amazing love letters, and told me we would be together forever and have babies. We know how that turned out--don't we. Ahhhh to be young and naive.... LADIES... NEVER...EVER... sign a prenup or a quit claim...
I'm not perfect, and I'm hurt too, and I didn't run to the arms of my husbands' good friend for consolation. So Madame X has no right to send me harrassing text messages about slander when there are no names, and her comment, "divorce hurts." OH PLEASE! "Divorce hurts... yah think!?!? WTF? ... I've been living it for 9 months on top of betrayal, lying, and a narcisstic wound that she may be better than me... which we know is impossible at this point....
Although it is not about better or worse... just different.... they are going through a difficult time, and they are making these choices because they believe it is best for them, and it very well maybe... not for me to judge....
If they didn't want people to know, they shouldn't have done it. Did they think everyone was stupid. EVERYONE figured out about OREGON. Oh people--please! They are just too polite to say. They didn't have to talk to me or read my blog to figure it out. They came and told me....
Plus my blog is a mode of therapy. We know I can use some of that! OR at least that's how the story goes, many have told me.
Instead of running into the arms of my lover... because he kicked me out of our home. I went to a dog rescue and lived in a small room that smelled that urine because my husband refused any access to our accounts while she was sleeping in my home, in my bed, leaving condoms on the floor for my beloved dog to choke on. At the time, I prayed daily for what my beloved was going through hoping we would make ammends. Also, please note the people I stayed with are AMAZING, kind, and generous. Having all those rescue dogs as therapy and daily running on the farm was the BEST medicine for a wounded heart and betrayed spirit.
Anyway, Madame X better stop texting me harrasing garbage. She's got the man I thought was my soul mate, what more does she want? I've had it!
Actions speak louder than words baby! These words are pretty powerful, and some actions even more. Madame X needs to stop reading my blog, stop stalking me, and move on with her life. You think divorce hurts! She's got my husbands' heart, she fed him in front of me around a campfire on our 6th anniversary. Yeah, divorce hurts. There's one dead tree at Salt Point that can attest to that.
Just leave me alone to settle business, let me lick my wounds, and let me heal... she can go cry in the arms of my husband, in my home, with my dogs on her lap... in the bed we bought together and made passionate love on.... she made her bed, she can lie in it... yeah, i would say divorce hurts... he's all hers...good good luck & good riddance... why the heck would i want him
P.S: They've talked about spawning little babie's.... yah good luck with that... who's going to change the diapers... apparently they're both immune to shit...
As much as I wish these were uncommon events in our culture. They are not. So many have shared tehir own stories of pain and anguish. I am so sorry. Perhaps our culture needs to rethink the laws of "monogamy" and "marriage." I just don't know anymore, and have a ton to think about. Happily ever after only exists in Hollywood, trust love and devotion take WORK. May the two of them learn how to WORK on their problems and have a happy lives. They have a lot of WORK to do and a little relationship counseling in the beginning would probably be a good proactive step for them since they are beginning with a seed of mistrust and doubt in their hearts. May they enjoy there lives together, and leave me alone... divorce is simply business and a legal transaction at this point....
Forgiveness is not for the other person.... it is for you to find in your heart to move forward... daily i say a prayer of forgiveness for both of them... today i think i will be praying extra hard, somewhere between that rock and a hard place...
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