Best Friend @ MindSay

SO,
I have to work today from 3-9
and I don't want to, but at least I
get to go to work by myself.

And Hollye is being amazing,
and she is going to come over
tonight and we are going to
watch the movie Hard Candy.

She has seen it like a million times, and
I have not, so....

So I cut again. After more than two years of not having done so. It sounds wimpy and I'm not going into detail cause going into detail is what got me into this whole mess in the firt place.. but my best friend pretty much blamed my being miserable all on myself assuming that I havnt been trying to get better and make friends ,etc. And when I said this conversation isn;'t making me feel any better and its making everything much worse, he dared to say " maybe this is why people dont like to hang around you" adding before  I blocked him that im immature, among other things. Don't take my side I don't give a fuck, but it hurt considering he's the only real friend I have and only person I have to talk to. I don't want to talk about my problems in the first place and whenever I do, I get into a fight and it makes things worse. And I am childish for wanting to avoid unessacary pain? I don't think so. It's called a safety net. He's the only reason I didn't cut, and with him not seemin to give a damn, I did it. I don't even feel bad. He doesn't know and I don't know if I'm going to tell him.

All right. I WAS going to post a public apology about what I said in a comment. I WAS going to say that I was in a very weird frame of mind, it mucks with my sense of humor. I WAS going to say that I'm fully aware that Rogue believes in God, he just seems to attribute different characteristics to him, which I sometimes say suggests that we believe in different gods. I WAS going to be very contrite and apologetic, because Rogue takes his beliefs very seriously.

That was before Rogue informed me, on the same day that I ended the best relationship I've yet had, that I wasn't wife material.

What kind of a best friend does that?!

I really miss my best friend. 

 

We've been friends for the past 9 years and even though we live far apart, we're very much close in spirit.  About 3 years ago, she and her husband moved down to Arizona and the last time that I saw them was in February 2005 when I was there on my reading week trip.  We only had the opportunity to spend a few hours together but we made it really count. 

 

She's this little ball of fire that warms your heart and while she approaches those that she doesn't know timidly, she will make you feel like a million dollars once you do become friends.  She's the kind of person that sticks to her beliefs, even when they aren't popular (we share that qualilty) and she loves with an open and welcoming heart. 

 

We have the stupidest inside jokes imaginable but that's okay.  She was the first friend that I talked about boys with and we even shared crushes on a few of them.  We had a sleepover in 2003 (yeah, I know that we were a little old for them but who really cares?) and we watched this amazing miniseries called "The 10th Kingdom" and from that we discovered more inside jokes.  We were concerned with living in the now and not about what the future held for us. 

 

In 2004, she and her then-boyfriend were moving to Arizona to live with her parents and the day that they arrived, they sent me a message.  They got married in Vegas.  Her father came up and gave his permission (she was only 19 at the time) and he was their witness.  They had been mulling it over for quite some time but didn't actually tell anyone until after.  They had their ceremony in the church that December and I still wish to this day that I could have been there. 

 

A few weeks ago, I got a message from her.  They're expecting their first baby in November.  The one thing that she has always wanted to be was a mom and now is her chance.  I really wish that I could be there for her when she has her baby and for the christening but alas it is all happening when I am student teaching.  Life is just ridiculously unfair sometimes. 

 

Somedays I miss her so much that I could just cry.  And then I remember that I might be putting more distance between us one day.  That being said, I know that no matter how far away we are from each other distance wise, we'll still carry each other in our hearts.