I've been planning to add blogs reflecting on my darling Andrew, relationships, my mum and other stuff.
Instead, yesterday I read another girl's blog about her breakup with her long-term boy-friend. It brought back the whole business of Nick and me.
I wish I could make sense of how I continue to feel about him. It's been nearly six years, he's married again and he has 2 kids with Deborah. But whenever I run into him in Melbourne, I spend the next day or two crying and analysing everything that happened.
Do I still love him after all this time and after all that he did to me? Of course not!
Or can't I admit that I got it horribly wrong, and that marrying him was an unbelievable act of naivity and stupidity? Can't I admit to myself that I was immature and unrealistic when I went into that marriage, and that all of my sister's warnings about Nick were completely accurate?
Can't I admit that letting myself fall for Greg last year was me being the same old Carla, immaturely blundering in where a few seconds' clear thinking would have told me that it was dangerous and wouldn't work.
But I still keep reflecting on Nick, I still keep asking myself dumb questions like "where did it go wrong?".
Dear Pippa, I hope that you find love again soon.
There's no absolute guarantee that you will, of course, but the odds are heavily in your favour that you're gonna find someone special.
If I was the type of person who prayed, then I'd pray that you will find and love a guy who in turn will love you without restraint, and who will not be able to believe his good fortune that someone as beautiful as you loves him. Your special guy will worship you unconditionally.
Most of all, you will trust your special guy. You will trust him to be faithful, trust him to never hurt you deliberately and you will know that if he ever does hurt you accidently, then he will be mortified when he realises what he has done and he will beg your forgiveness - his distress at ever upsetting or hurting you will be visible and deep.
You will cuddle in his arms and know that your relationship is safe, that your relationship is permanent and that he lives for you.
love
