Beautiful @ MindSay

Today is perfect.

I had earlier stated that I would like to skip september and move right into October. BUT due to the fact that the weather has been absolutely gorgeous these past few days, I am now eating my words. I love september!

If you are inside at your computer reading this, and you have the opportunity, go outside!

PS: I am currently drinking a cranberry slush.. crossing my fingers that it wont cause an allergic reaction :/

I have been away from here for such a long time! For that I apologize!!! I am sorry if I lost touch with a few friends on here, I still think of you all and wish you well.   I needed to take a break from the internet because of where my life was.  Anyways, I could go on, but I have some venting to do and remember this is a good place to do it!

 

So on May 31, 2008 I got married to Mark.  For over 4 years we have been going out with a short break in between.  We had a beautiful wedding, my friend on here wonderingsoul was in my wedding as a beautiful bridesmaid.  The lovely patchesmom was also there. We were married in WI, and the weather was beautiful, it was 75 degrees and sunny.  Poor wonderingsoul got burnt from being outside so much of the day, sorry sweetie.  I was very thankful for how great the day turned out and to have all the people we love there to join us for our special day.  Our Pastor was amazing.  I couldn't have asked for more. 

 

Being married has not changed our relationship, I here that so much! I am happy to report it hasn't changed us at all. I asked Mark if he thinks it has and he said absolutely not.  In fact it makes us love each other more now that we are officially together.  I love married life, no more worrying if there is someone out there for me, no more singles parties, no more wondering and hoping.  I am secure, I am sure who I love, and I can only wish that on everyone else.  I hope you find what you are looking for.  Having over four years of getting to know each other before hand, I have to say I am glad we did.  We learned a lot of each other, we did the long distance relationship for the majority of our time together.  We had the break-up, make-up, heart broken, tears, etc.  We started having a real fight towards the third year of knowing each other.  It was a big blow out and almost ended our relationship. 

 

Why am I dwelling on the past, why I am bringing it up?  I really believe if you choose to forgive you must never forget.  But let me tell you that's where it's hard, to balance the never forget, but go on with your relationship.  Balance, that's an interesting theory, and that's exactly what it is.  You have to be so trusting again and so willing to give that person another chance in order to go on.  That's what I chose to do. I chose to give Mark a second chance, was it worth it, YEAH! It has been wonderful, has he grown and changed into a kind, gentle, loving, trusting man? Yes he has.  So are people capable of change, yes I believe they are, he has proven to me that people do deserve a second chance, but the circumstances are all different.  What's important is the changes need to be there, both need to be willing to change, and not just say it but show it by giving up what made the bump in the road.  For example, if they cheated and they ended it and you see no signs of  this person being in the picture, and they say they want to be with you, then if you choose to give them a second chance, I believe it can happen, but this will not happen over night, you may need lots of time to see those changes, and you should have that time to ask the questions you need to or to see it for your own eyes. 

 

I believe in pyschology they taught us that when someone cheats in a relationship, that person who was cheated on should have 3 months to ask as many questions whenever they want. The cheater should answer each question to the best of their knowledge and may get asked the same question over again, but if it's in the 3 month time range this is a way to heal and figure out how their relationship got that way. The cheater should be thinking of why they cheated, and the person cheated on should be getting out any questions they can.  After the three months, the questions about the cheating should stop and the communicating with each other about why their relationship got this way should start.  Whether the person who cheated felt that their partner was always gone with work, or they feel they aren't sexually appealing anymore to their partner, etc.,should be discussed.  After figuring out what the problems are, then taking each one at a time to fix the relationship, whether cutting back on hours at work, etc., the couple should seriously be making advances towards healing their relationship.  Sex comes last, this may not happen for weeks, months, even a year or so until the person cheated on is ready. They may find themself comparing themself to the other person their partner cheated on.  The person who cheated needs to be patient with their partner, a true test if they really want to heal their relationship. 

 

Sorry I just got on a rant....  Anyways, the hard part is rebuilding the trust, this can take years.  Mark and I have rebuilt our base of our relationship, each brick goes up slowly, but can come crashing down so fast.  A wall goes up and you don't let others in, my wall is just high enough that I can look over, which I like, I am happy with that, I am not fully exposed.  I know with Mark in the beginning back in July of 2003, when we were first getting to know each other, Mark's wall was so high over his head, he trusted no one.  I understand why and didn't ask questions just listened, I waited for him to feel comfortable to talk and I just reassured him that I was there for him.  A brick came down slowly, one by one, he shared his issues with me, and I listened. I didn't judge and I didn't tell anyone.  I would wait for him to call every night so we could have our usual talk.  In August 2003, Mark had told me he loved me and we were together.  A long distance relationship had formed, I was in college in WI, he was in college in CO.  We talked every night, I flew out to see him, I flew him out to see me.  I saved every penny I had to see him again. I was able to do so, since I had help with college funds, unlike him who had to pay for everything.  I would wait by the phone for his calls, go out with people and couldn't wait for him to call, and when he did, I made myself available even when I wasn't, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, it's a good way to piss off good friends, and if I could take that part back I would, I was a fool in love.  I would do anything for him.  In November of 2003 a day before Thanksgiving, Mark had told me, he was not in love with me, he broke it off, and I was heart broken to the point of I couldn't feel anything, I told him that I would still be his friend and I enjoyed talking with him.  He agreed and told me I was one of his closest friends and he didn't want to lose my friendship.  I went home for a miserable Thanksgiving break and remember some valuable advice my Gram gave me, she told me that in my life I will have my heart broken and break some hearts too, but I will find the one person who will love me.  It's like she knew that he was going to break up with me or something, my Gram always knew what was going to happen before I did with my life.  But she never spoke badly of him, she just wanted to see me happy.  I will never forget later on at Christmas she told me she would like to see me walk down the aisle and then she would like to call it quits.  I never thought that day would come, unfortunately my Gram didn't make it to see my wedding like she wanted,  she died September 11, 2007, but I believe she and my grandpa and my other grandparents got to see it all together from heaven and they were the reason we had the great day that we did.  I got my sign she was there, that day on our wedding they were calling for a 70% chance of rain, that day it was 75 and sunny with a light breeze, it was like they were blowing the clouds away.  It's my way of getting through the hard times by thinking like that. 

 

Back to my story.... We still talked every night and I still helped Mark take down his wall just to the point he could see over.  Everyone thought I was nuts and was told many many times to move on and get over him.  But how can you get over love.  Even if he never loved me back, I prayed to God every night that even if he never loves me, just let him be happy, this is how you know you love someone, and this is what they mean by love hurts.  It hurt a lot, but it was the right thing to do when you really care for someone, you put that person before yourself, just like a mother or father who loves their child, they put them before themselves, love is such a powerful thing, there are different kinds of love,but in the end what you do for love is the same, you move back to let the other succeed.  I've been told by many older people you only find that kind of love once in your life. I don't know if that's true or not, but I see it with my parents, they didn't have the kind of love Mark and I have today, they ended their marriage after almost 30 years and are both remarried, and seem to have found that one and only.  Is it true, can a person only have one love of a lifetime?  Even though Mark and I were just friends, I felt that kind of love with him, the kind that knocks you to the ground and you feel like you can't breath, you can't sleep, you can't leave the phone or computer, the butterflies, the smile that won't leave your face as you see the number on the phone is his, or the happiness you feel when he tells you he succeeded. 

 

 You find yourself forgetting about your needs and focusing on how to help the one you love.  But of course I never told him after we broke up that I  had these feelings, I was afraid of losing his friendship.  So time passes and something horrible happens in my life, in May of 2004 I thought I found a friend I could hang out with and have good times with, instead what I found was on that rainy night in May was the darkest and coldest night I have ever experienced. This man was very charming, but we had talked about just being friends and that I didn't have feelings for him as he did for me, I guess that wasn't enough for him.  He was very angry that I was not over Mark at this point, and that I would always take his calls when I hung out with him. I explained everytime that I loved Mark and that if he asks me back ever, I would go back to him, and that's why I couldn't have a relationship with anyone else.  I was not over Mark.  The mask this man wore was a good one, because he said he understood and wanted my friendship, little did I know that night I would be raped. After it happened I shut down, it's like Mark knew something bad had happened, he asked me not to go over there before hand, but I did to talk with "my friend", and after it happened I ran out into the rain and drove home and curled up at the edge of my bed in disbelief.  My phone rang, and it was Mark, he could tell from my answer that something was wrong and he guessed what happened. I went to counseling to get help with the rape. He talked to me every night and let me cry on the phone for hours if I needed.  My friends such as wonderingsoul helped me too, she convinced I needed to tell my mom, and when i did she was there for me, along with my Gram. Mark continued to call me every night.  He flew out to see me two months later.  I needed him more than ever then, I was in the darkest part of my life and he was there, and he was there exactly as I needed him to be, as my friend.  I needed to know that I could be around a man as my friend again.  Mark made that possible.  That week he was back he told me he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend.  He said he made a mistake by telling me he didn't love me, and he admitted he had always loved me, he just needed to find out for himself.  He was so confused what love was and needed to learn before committing. It felt as if I could breath again but I had so many mixed emotions, I was so happy to finally be with Mark, but so scared and numb at the same time.  It took a few months to get to a point that I felt safe in my life again. 

 

 Then in Feburary 2004 for Valentines Day, I flew out to be with Mark.  We had a great four days and I felt so happy.   But I could tell there wasn't quite something right, something felt like it was missing. When he was on his computer he had checked a site called Mindsay, he had told me a few months back that there was a blog site he used and when I was there, he had logged in with his user name which showed up. 

 

 So when I got home, I did some investigating, as women do, and found his blog site and what he had wrote. I found blogs of poetry and letters telling of his love for the love of his life, and there it was the name, the name of the girl who would haunt me for years, staring me right in the face.  He had used her name and told of his love for her and how hurt he was that she didn't love him, he was lied to, I was looking at all of this and couldn't believe it.  There were dates of these written as we were dating, it wasn't the past, it was the present.  He was in love with someone else, trying to get that person to be with him, and having me on the side.  I was mortified, I was numb, I was pissed, I was shaking, I was frantic, I was hurt, and most of all I was shocked.  I believe my friend Dave was in the room with me when I saw these, I ran out of the room and went to the computer lab to finish reading them, I didn't call Mark that night, he called me and I told him I couldn't talk to him.  He knew something was up.  The next day, I skipped class to talk to him.  I told him I found out, and he first acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, until I used her name, and then started reading some of it, he admitted it and told me that he was hurting and he didn't want her.  I couldn't believe it, I had wanted his love so badly, and waiting a year to hear him say I love you, was so hard. I asked him while we were not dating if he could tell me if he meets someone, just in case, because we were flirting and acting on it a little.  So as a friend I needed him to tell me if there was anyone and we would end that part of it.  He never did, I never knew. 

 

 So I was hurt, I waited to hear him say those words to me and here he was saying it to someone else.  He promised he wasn't pursuing her anymore and that he wanted to just be with me.  So I believed him, the trust wall crashed hard, there I was standing in the mess of it all, not knowing what to do next.  To top it all off, he was over 1000 miles away and I couldn't take it, I flew out there and we talked and had a first real fight.  I just wanted to scream and hit him, I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.  Instead I stormed out of his house and took a walk.  I started comparing myself to her, I started thinking I wasn't pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, or just enough period.  A few months went by and he came out to visit me and he told me of a woman he was helping through a bad relationship who had a kid.  He asked my advice on it and I gave it. Mark always liked helping people with their issues.  After he went back to Colorado, something in my heart didn't feel right again, I felt that distance with him again, I felt that same fear.  I went onto his email which he gave me the password to, again when you don't trust someone you may find yourself doing this to protect yourself from getting hurt again, and there it was, an email to the woman with the kid stating he was falling in love with her and wanted to be with her.  Any trust built crashed down, I found myself in that same mess again, I was shaking, this time didn't hesitate to call him, this time had the rage going, I yelled, I cursed, I said things I never thought I would say, I hated him at this point, I have never hated someone so much in my life, I was hurt.  I asked him if he wanted to be with me, he said it was a mistake and he was going to fix it. So I told him he had better fix it right now or I was gone. I gave him a time limit and I had better have a copy of the email he sent her or I told him never to call me again.  He waited up to the last minute to call me back and write her,  he said he didn't want to come off a jerk to her, I was like what about me.  I finally said it, I got to the point of being sick and tired of doing everything for Mark, I said to him, what about me, was she there for you through the last year and a half was she there through all those issues you had that I helped you through, was she through all the things you went through, no I was!!! So don't give me that bullshit. 

 

This time I told my mom I needed to leave immediately and fly out and be face to face with Mark.  I told Mark if he wanted to be apart of this relationship and if he wanted me in his life he had better do something to show me he was working towards making improvements.  He decided to take the summer off of school and come out and be with me.  I drove back with him from CO to WI.  He lived with my father for the summer, and I lived with my mom, we saw each other on the weekends. My father knew we were having problems but didn't know details.  He knew I was a big girl and could deal with it, but still he wanted to see if Mark was the type of man that was good enough for his little girl. My dad really liked Mark and had the "I assume you want a future with my daughter" talk with Mark.  My dad and Mark became close that summer.  Then fall came and Mark decided to take a leave of absence from school to live with me at my apartment in Platteville.  We had a lot of bumps to smooth out, we learned a lot of each other, we pushed each other away alot but grew  together at the same time. I was still hurting and he didn't know who he was at this point.  He couldn't hold his head up and I couldn't look in his eyes or I would cry.  January 2005 came and we knew that we wanted to be together, we knew all the time we invested in each other was worth it, I never loved someone like I loved Mark and I didn't want to give him up, he said the same.  It was time for him to leave and go back to CO. I was planning on moving as soon as I graduated in the Spring of 2005.  But then got news that I wouldn't graduate until Fall of 05 possibly Spring of 06 depending on when I could take certain classes.  I was horrified at the idea of waiting over a year to be with Mark, I was depressed and so miserable with out him.  It was around my birthday in January when Mark and I hit a bump, we were so depressed from being away from each other, but so exhausted from fighting that it was either we be together or end it. The pain of being away from each other for so long took its course and we couldn't do it anymore. So I knew he had to get back to help his mom who was sick with MS, I called Mark one morning in the first week of Feburary and asked him if he was serious about being together and he said yes.  I told him I was moving out there in two weeks and I was taking a break from school, he asked if I was serious, and when he realized I was he sounded so happy.  That day I quit school for awhile and told my parents I was moving, my dad was mad, my mom understood, and for once in my life I felt like I made a decision for myself and no one else.  Two weeks later  Mark flew out to help me pack and we drove out to CO where we have been ever since.  Almost three years later we have been here together.  We lived with his mom for a little while, I got a job in the city next to where Mark and I lived and Mark's college was in the same city I worked in, we moved to Fort Collins from Loveland in April of 2006 and have been here since.  Things went so well, we hardly had a fight, Mark changed into a mature, loving, trusting man.  He purposed to me on July 29th and we were married May 31,2008 and here we are.  I am the happiest I have ever been and have married the man that I love more than anything.  I believe we had to go through all that before we became married in order to prove our love for one another.  It sounds weird, but you have to go through the bad to get to the good sometimes. 

 

I know this is super long and for anyone who got tired of reading it, I am sorry. I just needed to get my emotions out, I realize during all this time, I hadn't had much time to just feel what I was feeling, and now with things being a little more quiet, I have had more time to reflect on my life and those feelings pop up once in awhile, but I am grateful to have Mark and to have the happiness I have today.  I have learned not to forget about myself once in awhile.  I still put Mark first, but I do things for myself too.  It all goes back to balance.  That is what love is all about it's one big balancing act.  In the end, I would still put Mark first to succeed, that's what you do when you love someone, and sometimes loving someone, means letting them go, and luckily mine came back!  I thank God everyday that my love came back.  I love you Mark!

I talked to Lisa from my bible college last night. and she reads me like a book. and she;s like "Its like your afraid to let people in but at the same time afraid to be alone." exactly. thats me. and I talked about Elim and Nyack and how everyone says i'm funny which I am but I just want to be taken seriously sometimes cause I like being serious too.  She said I didnt have her fooled at Elim. and We talked about Worship and how much I LOVE worship.  Oh man... Falling in love with Jesus. again and again and again and again and again. anddd again? Yes. every day for the past 4 years He amazes me. Your crazy Beautiful.

I had a customer at work thats just like me. going to college, christain, my age. lives a few streets down. and We had a good Jesus conversation about missionary work and about evangelism and sharing the love of Christ with people and all this stuff. I LOVE having Jesus conversations!!

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to soak in the love my friends have for me.  because friends is what I need and for the first time in my life, I have amazingly faithful christian friends so I gotta start enjoying my life and walk in the freedom I have in Christ because what happened yesterday, doesnt matter today.  It's gone. Forgiven. and today is a new day. and I'm walking in the path with Jesus leading me. Its the best place to be is right next to him.

I LOVE JESUS! and I am an on Fire for Christ Christian for a girl thats almost 20. He's amazing.