Bad Night Sleep @ MindSay

We've been having a bunch of crazy weather this weekend, Tornadoes, wild thunderstorms, falling trees, everything. My dad called me a little while ago and told me about all the trees that were knocked down in his neighborhood. Because of the thunderstorms last night (and my bizzaro sleep habits) I couldn't sleep. I just lied in bed listening to some weird late night talk show about if the Crystal skulls from the new Indiana Jones film a real or not. And thinking 'bout my childhood. As usual when I'm lying in bed thinking about stuff my mind just wandered to the negative.
I was wondering about my grade school years. I am self-diagnosed ADD/ADHD and mildly dyslexic. And I have struggled with these all my life. I don't know if my parents ever had me tested for these. I think they might have. But then again my childhood was full of doctors ranging for heart doctors to specialist for my birth defects. Also, I have in many ways either forgotten or blocked out most of my childhood so how am I to know.
I do know that my parents mad a conscientious decision to not put me on the drug Ritalin heavily being pushed back then. I know now that that was one of the hardest decisions they ever made with me. I also, know now that it probably was the right thing for my future.
but back then, It made my school years very very hard. I did next to nothing  in school. A few of my teachers all but gave up on me (teachers will tell you they don't do this but we all know they do).
I kind of wish my parents would have sat me down and told me about my conditions and explained to me what and why I was the way I was. I wish they had explained to me ways to control it. They probably didn't so that I could just have a bit of my childhood innocence in tact.
They never gave up though, I'll give them that much, they got me tutors (well actually, paid my cousin to tutor me) and put in long frustrating hours working with me.
I knew that there was something wrong, but mostly just felt stupid. I felt isolated from my peers because I could barely do things like basic math. And this lead to so negative behaviors.
Growing up, I had a relationship with my parents, especially my father, that was very stern and controlling. I never felt I could go to him about problems. He was very distant and unapproachable emotionally. The only emotion I ever saw from him was anger. I was very afraid of his temper. I was afraid that he would react with anger if I went to him about anything. My mother has even said to me that my father wanted us to fear him.
I'm still dealing with some of those issues today, but mostly I know how foolish they were. But, I wonder and wish about how my life could have been.
Like I said, My parents decision to not medicate me for ADD was a good thing. I know a number of people form my generation that can not function in society because they never learned how to deal with life without popping a pill. I am so glad that I did not end up like them. But was I diagnosed ADD and what would it have been like if I knew what was wrong with me fifteen years ago? I may not have been medicated but there are a number of was to handle ADD without it. But did we even know them back then?
I often think about my fucked up life. About all the mistakes I've made and where I am because of them. It has taken me much longer then most people to figure my life and and get my shit together. I know, most of it is my own damned fault and blaming my father is just plain wrong. But I just can't help but wonder.

Mark

Yesterday night I got no sleep at all, Rose kept waking up and wanting to be held, or needed an hourly diaper change...I'm surprised I survived, but today I slept about six hours during the day, during which Rose was sound asleep, ugh.

I hope she gets her days and nights back to normal, I really like to sleep at night ...:)

How is everybody else?  Getting more sleep than myself I hope :)

 

Well the bug that bothered me over the last few days is finally subsiding, which is outstanding If I do say so myself.  I took Nyquil the other night, and that stuff knocked me out so hard that when I woke up the next morning I had a hard time lifting my head.  It was a Sunday morning and the baby was kneeling next to me on the bed, two hands on my left shoulder repeating “dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.”  I looked at the clock it was 9 am, and I was in the same position I was in when I fell asleep the night before.  That never happens because I toss and turn all night every night because I most likely have a sleep disorder.  Well it was very interesting to say the least.

 

I am finally going to a primary care doctor tomorrow for my first physical since I was a senior in high school.  I assume he will tell me that I am unphysical, at which point I will slap him in the mouth.  The only reason I am even going to see him is to get a referral to the sleep clinic in Smithfield, as you can only go on doctors referrals if you want it to be covered by your medical insurance.  All in all, my first trip to a doctor’s office in 8 years should be interesting enough.

 

First post in four days is a bit weak.  Need to shake the rust off…

Well I didn't sleep very well last night. There have been quite a few bugs going round and I think that my luck of avoiding them may have run out. I'm certainly not 100%. I am slightly achey, have a sore throat and a headache. But thanks to a cocktail of drugs I'm running and am at work. Glad that I don't have position "A" today as that could be a step to far.

 

Last night I decided to cover a shift at short notice. On the way over I stopped and looked through the windows of the gym from a far to watch the trampolining. The girl I have that bad crush on was there, as well as that dickhead who I lived with last year. All though I can't see her dating such a sleeze bag as him, the thought angered me so much. It probably wasn't helped by my bloodsugar being higher than normal and not being at my best but even so, the seed was there in my mind. And maybe because when she and I had last spoke there wasn't the usual sparkle it rubbed salt into my open wounds.

 

For a very long time now on a Monday night we have spoken for hours, last night we didn't. Maybe because when I got back it was late and it's always mid-evening when we do. Maybe just fed up of each other. Perhaps I'll try to spend time away from her in body and mind if I can for a while. Maybe things will improve that way. Either way, I think I've got only one last real shot at dating her, if that. Keep saying that there are other girls out there, and I see plenty of nice ones at work but she just has something over me right now and I don't think she knows it.

 

Anyway, it's all lit the fire inside me and that is when I can be at the top of my game, so I'll see what happens.