Bad Dreams @ MindSay

So I was sleeping last night (because..um, you know, people do that sort of thing), and I had a nightmare. Now, this wouldn't be too terribly odd, but this is different because I've been having nightmares all week. I felt I have to share this one and try to get some counsel on it.

It started out, I was sleeping (in my dream). Then, I get a phone call and some person on the phone tells me that Warren Central (my projected High School) was starting today. Summer was over. I was sent into a panic unlike any other. I didn't have any school supplies, I haven't gone to Warren Central before, I've never even been to High School. WC is a big place. It's one of the largest schools in the country.

But back to the dream.

In my dream, it was the first day of school and I was completely unprepared. However, I wasn't about to be absent. So I threw on some clothes, and walked out the door. Terror struck again.

High School teens "en mass" were making their way towards the building. There were no buses. There were no cars. Just tons of kids slowly trekking towards the school. I joined the march.

It was so frightening. I'd never been so afraid of anything in my life. I dunno what was so scary about it, but I was so petrified that I could have died of fright right there.

The strange thing was that everyone else who was trekking was unlike me. These other kids weren't nerds, they weren't geeks, they didn't have glasses, they were jocks and had big bodies and looked like they got all the girls. They were all ready for school. Some of them carried bookbags and notebooks, others carried very odd things, like donuts or other food items. ALL of them, however, were calm and collected. No one was panicky or nervous. I felt so out of place. I continued walking.

I happened upon a gas station and noticed that many kids were stepping inside, as if it were some sort of pit stop. I went in too. I found a friend. I was surprised to find my real-life friend Matt inside. I wondered what he was doing. I rushed up to him and started to complain about how I was so unready for this day and how everyone else was scaring the shit out of me. He didn't seem to care. He walked past me, payed for his goods, and continued on his way.

Now I wanted to break down and cry. But this dream was far from over. I continued towards the building like all the others. Eventually, a large castle-looking edifice dawned in the distance. I had found my destination. I entered the building like all the others. A gym teacher stood in the main entrance, and instructed all of us to enter the gymnasium. We were going to play sports all day. Everyone cheered and hollered as they dashed into the gym. I felt so out of place still. I hate sports, and I'm not too keen on running around and doing physical activity. Even Matt and a few more kids I recognized were eager to join the festivities. I was left alone in the hallway, and everything suddenly went dark. I was all alone.

I decided to call my mother (who hadn't showed up in this dream yet...odd) and cry for help. I dialed the number on a phone that hadn't been in my pocket before, and started thinking about all the things I needed to tell her. "I have no supplies, did you know school started today?, Come pick me up, help, help, help" and all that jazz. However, the phone rang twice, and a recording began to speak to me: "I'm sorry, but the person you're trying to call is dead."

^^Yeah, that's how my dream was. I woke up and felt like crying. It was very depressing. I dunno if this is going to reflect anything about my Freshman experience or not...If so, I might just die.

Well, I have had one hell of a weekend (not necessarily all fun, but most of it)... Sat: Went to BPA Contest @ 7:45 in the freakin AM (needless to say, Morgie was not a happy camper), went home and slept (eventhough I told my teacher I had work.. Ha! what a great lie) for like 3 hrs, was rudely awakened by my sister but much appreciated the call so's we could go out to eat, came home and fed mah puppy, then left to Eric's till about 11pm (twas very very fun... *wink wink*)... Today: I went to work, came home, then left to go watch WWE wrestling on Pay-Per-View (yeah I know, so gay... but so many hot guys!), ate like a fuckin pig, came home, called Eric (like he asked me to... Sorry homo wasn't even there! Grrr!)... and here I am now!... I am so seriously considering getting a new job, but I'm kinda afraid to quit and my boss does not fire ppl for some odd reason or another (he's fired one guy in like the whole 9 yrs he's had the store, but I think one of the reasons he hasn't fired me is because of my step-dad... WHICH IS GREAT! but then not so great...) anyway enuff about my weekend...

Friday I made up the best lie to get out of going to that stupid assembly... Yay me!.... and now, I'm hurting... ow!... yucky pains... I'll be really happy when these cuts heal cuz then I won't have to wear a sweater all the time (if I knew no one would say anything about them, I wouldn't wear one... but someone will say something to the councelor and I'll get called into their office again)... Damn nosy-ass ppl!... I don't care if you "care" about me! You didn't know who the hell I was before I stepped foot in there! You don't know JACK SHIT about me!.... Enuff ranting and raving....

I had the strangest dream last night... I dreamt that one of my co-workers (who just recently had her first baby) commited suicide by shooting herself in the head... So disturbing... Then someone that I have gone to school w/ since Kindergarten had done the same thing, he shot himself in the head... Again, disturbing but less than seeing Laura do that to herself... So strange... There were more parts to it (like seeing someone I haven't seen in over 3yrs and seeing someone else possessed by a demon)... but they're all so fuzzy... Those few were the only ones that stuck out in my mind... Insane... Scared the hell outta me... And it seemed so real... So real that I woke up to the sound of my own screaming... My hair matted to my face, wet w/ big, fat, saltwater tears... It seemed all too real... Seeing something like that in real-life would be liable to have someone having nightmares about it for the rest of their natural life... There has only been one other time that I have woken up this way... And it was about 10 years ago... Oh it was a horrid dream... And yet, years later, I still remember it like it happened just yesterday... And now I understand what it meant... What it was trying to tell me... Forewarn me about the oncoming fate I had to deal with 10 yrs after I dreamt it...

Well, I probably should go... I'm totally tired... *Please dear God, no more nightmares... Do not torment me anymore*

Love To All,

-Morgan

Well let me start by saying I haven't had many girlfriends. My first real relationship lasted for 8 years, of course that was on and off. It didn't end well, I could go on for hours and hours about the stuff I did wrong in that relationship. I was a horrible person to her, cheating, lying, and making her feel like an idiot to name just a few. Anyhow, so in our 8th and final year of our love/hate relationship we lived together. The last few years I had actually learned my lesson with all the cheating and shit and was faithful to her, but I still would be an asshole to her. I came to find out later on that I had bipolar disorder so it could have been one of the reasons I would scream at her and make her feel like shit. But anyway, I digress, we lived together for about a year. I told her I was going to live with her for a year, because I was going to move back in with my parents to take care of my debt. I had accrued a lot of debt while living at home, and she was paying the rent and I had very bad spending habits. So I felt bad taking her money, and I guess I didn't explain that well enough to her. I ended up leaving at the end of the year and going back home to my parents. Of course I figured we would still be together because I thought we were going to be married one day. Even though I knew in my heart we really wouldn't be. We had grown apart and it was mostly my fault. So when I tried to talk to her after that she would always be too busy and brushed me off. Of course I went superpsycho on her and wouldn't let her alone. Mostly because I didn't want to let go of my safety blanket.

    So, long story short, we broke up and I was very distraught. Then of course I met a girl a month later and latched on to her. Even though she was one of those girls that the second you meet her you know you should avoid her. Anyhow, I got a taste of my own medicine with her. She lied to me and cheated on me and belittled me. She made me feel I wasn't worth anything and I believed it. Then I started to realize that this was how I must have made my ex feel. So since then I would never dream of treating anybody that way ever again. That girl almost destroyed me and made me crazy.

     Of course now I have never been happier, but I still find myself having dreams about my ex. And in the dreams I am always pursuing her trying to apologize to her. I actually wrote a letter to her that I haven't sent to her. I am really thinking I should so I will have some closure. At least in my mind. There is no amount of apologizing I can do that will fix what I did. I just had a dream about her this weekend. I was with my girlfriend in the dream and I ran into my ex. So I was chasing her down and finally got to talk to her and her boyfriend. I finally got her alone and was telling her about the letter I had written. And she cut me off and said I am sure it goes something like this. And she told me what she had thought it said. It was really ride sounding and I couldn't get her to believe me what it really said. Then her boyfriend got in my face and was pissed off at me. I am very hazy on the details, but I know the dream didn't make me feel good. I mean I guess I have a mental block on a lot of the things I did to her in the relationship. But they always come back to me in dreams and they bring me to the verge of tears. We are going on almost four years since I have seen her now. I have talked on the phone with her and emailed a few times. But that wasn't in the last two years. Yet these dreams still linger. I am wondering if I should send this letter and maybe the dreams will stop. I only wish I could know that she has forgiven me. I do know she has moved on and is happy. I am happy as well, because I met my soulmate. Yet I still feel horrible about what I did to her. It is hard to live with myself knowing the shit I did to her. Maybe someone has some suggestions that would help. Forgive me if I have been rambling. I usually have a random thought process and I haven't written anything like this is a while.

I had one of the most sleepless nights with Noah last night.  Not sure what was going on....well I kinda am...  See, we watched War of the Worlds last night, and he was up playing in the living room, so he was distracted through a lot of it but he also watched some of it too.  I think maybe his sleep was disturbed because of the movie, and now I feel bad!  I guess I will just take it as a lesson learned, don't watch scary movies in front of him.  I read that Pisces children have big imaginations and they may have problems with nightmares so maybe he is even more sensitive to things on tv. 

I don't have much to do today, so that's cool.  My sister redjewel (don't bother going to her blog, she hasn't posted anything...LOL) is bringing over Noah's cousin Zane for me to watch for a couple of hours.  That will be fun.  I always love it when Noah and Zane can play.  They are only 11 days apart.  She will be moving in a couple of months, somewhere about a couple of hours away, so we need to let the kids hang out and we need to hang out as much as we can.

Well, I just heard Noah shut my bedroom door so I better get going.  One more thing.  I HAVE to start eating differently.  I know I sound like a broken record but it's so true.  I think food is like an addiction for me.  I have no self control!  I weighed myself this morning and have reached something I never wanted to see again unless I'm pregnant, and I'm not, so it's time to change my eating!  *sigh*  Wish me luck!