Bad @ MindSay

It's weird how all you problems show up at once like they made an appointment to meet at the same time. I have a moment of piece then a moment of hell; to tell you the truth sometimes the moments of hell are really greedy and take more time to go away than the moments of piece. What can we do? All we can do is keep fighting in the hope that someday down the line of our hopefully long lives, the peaceful moments take over and last longer periods of time.

I am feeling a lot of shame and guilt regarding my relationship right now. My previous relationship was instantly thrilling, but quickly went wrong. It was filled with lies, cheating, manipulation, emotional distress, and mild to moderate sexual abuse. I had to fight to get away from him for months. He would never leave me alone and his irrational behavior escalated. It got BAD....I filed a restraining order, and he still continued to stalk me...even physically restraining me and trying to force me into sexual acts.

Anyways, hearing words like "I love you so much", "you are a phenomenal woman", "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" etc., and then later discovering this man was having constant sexual relationships with several women was a more than humbling experience. It broke my self esteem down to nothing. I felt worthless.

The man I am dating now has been a dear friend of mine for the duration of my horrible relationship. I know I can trust him. I love him whole-heartedly. But sometimes I get flashbacks, and a renewed sense of worthlessness. I feel like I am not good enough and that he will want someone or something else. When I snap out of this state of mind I realize how stupid I am for feeling this way.

But I went through his phone for the first time the other day. I felt so horrible for doing it.  Our relationship is so solid and he has NEVER given me a reason to question him. I told him I looked....he was understanding. He told me to just ask him to see his phone or discuss any questions I may have. He is absolutely right, there is no reason for me to sneak and snoop....and if I honestly feel like that's what I have to do to learn the truth THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.

I feel so guilty. I want to give him what he deserves and not bring the burns of my past into our relationship. The fact that he is SO caring and patient and understanding almost makes me feel worse.

He is the most wonderful man I have ever met!! How can I be exactly what he deserves?
 

So last night I finished off an assignment, got my tute work done, got my last assignment all together all was well. So this morning headed to uni plugged in my usb and found out that I left my usb at home... Checked my email and all I sent was my tute work. Lots of expletives later I had to go home and get my usb and hand it in. Mind you it takes me an hour to get me there and back home. Got everything handed in and worked on my last assignment to realise that the other guy in my group has no references, uses "i am going to research" etc in a freaken report! Massive head ache and three redbulls later it looks decent but i'm going to work on it more. On the way home I was walking to the bank to find that the bank closes at 4 and it was 4:10. Walking back to my busstop someone called and some guy who was walking too close ended up bumping into me when I slowed down to pick up my phone and he mutters "fuckhead". Some people... Maybe it was just because I had a bad day. Who knows.

 

Got home and had a three hour sleep I just ended up sleeping on the couch don't know when I fell asleep. And now? Watching a 1000kg man try to lose weight.

 

Terrific day indeed.

i find this absolutely amusing......finally, some thoughts on motherhood, eh?

 

so, what does a good mother entail? well, it is a mother who loves her own children that she is willing to let go of her own frustrated values or beliefs and let her kids be who they really are....KIDS, not some machine of a kid she carefully manufactures. a good mother is never perfect, but she listens and looks at how other mothers have raised their kids, but look no further than their own mothers. if other mothers aren't such good mothers, how come you marry into a bad brood? if, in your opinion, you have the best mothering skills, how come you come into one that you despise the most?

 

i disagree that a mother should not work for a living. it is a choice, a hard one at that but i am willing to do it, but never at the expense of my children. while they are in school, i run and work a few hours a day, nothing is sacrificed except my siesta time....which works for me because it helps keep my weight and my bank account in check. i cannot understand people who are fat and lazy, who refuse to work on the lame excuse that they have more important things to do than help themselves. if you can afford to not work, while not asking other people for dole outs...lucky you.....i wish i could do that, and still send my bills to someone else.

 

got work to do, if i didn't, nobody would bail us out everytime bills don't get paid. :(

 

 

 

Today's been an interesting day. It's the first day since dad's death that I felt like myself. Yes there were moments when I was sad and as always I thought of dad but those thoughts didn't turn my feelings into heavy sadness. I know not every day will be like today, but I believe its a start in the healing process.

The start...the beginning of a long journey. Its a journey I feel like I am walking alone.

The one thing I did realize today is how much I am not going to like this "me time" if I can't have any time with my love. I'm using this time to grow, to learn about me, to heal but if this time means not having any time with my love, then I'm going to begin resenting and hating this "me time" and if I begin to do that, then my growth, my learning, my healing will be stunted.

I'm hurting from losing my father and now while I'm trying to heal from his death, I'm hurting because I feel like I'm losing my love. Now, instead of feeling like I lost the most important man in my life, I feel like I've also begun to lose the most important love in my life.

I was actually feeling good about today, now I fee like shit because my heart is aching from not having my love and from not having my father. Instead of embracing this "me time" I'm beginning to hate it.

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. I can feel this anger building inside me again and where I was looking forward to tomorrow and tackling a new day, now I'm dreading it. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

How do I balance the time I need for healing with the time I need with my love? How do I go about healing from the hurt and not hurt my love by not being with her? She says I'm allowed to be selfish and take this time for me but I don't want to be selfish, I can't be selfish. Why can't healing and being with her work together? She says she doesn't want to make this any harder on me but not hearing her voice, not getting an email from her, not having contact with her is hurting me and it is making it harder. I can't focus on healing when my heart is missing her, when my heart feels like its out of sync.