Awkward @ MindSay

My grandpa is dying. He chose not to get any more treatment (blood transfusions, etc.) on Saturday. The doctors gave him two days to two weeks. So now I get to sit here with the waiting game playing out before me.

 

One reason I didn't go to see him yesterday was because Josh was with me, and he already had to spend an entire weekend with my family...and this would have just made an awkward weekend even more awkward. I know as soon as I would have walked into that room, the tears would have started to fall. I hate crying in front of people as it is (even if everyone else is crying, too), and I didn't want him to have to see me like that. I've cried myself to sleep two nights in a row now. I just want him to go...as stupid as that sounds. He's being too strong, and I don't know what he's hanging onto. He struggles to take each breath...struggles to stay alive.

 

 

 

 

But, on the other hand...my graduation party had a good turn out and it was kind of fun. I think Josh had a good time...although everyone there thought we were dating, which was really funny since we're not at the moment. Who knows what's going to happen with that...

Hey. Entry Numero Uno. So. A wee bit about myself, eh?
First off, I hate first blogs. I hate the word blog, and I hate this awkward "Hi, I'm the writer of this blog, and uhm...this is me!" I hate it. A lot. Hopefully having said that will disspell some of the awkwardness. (I hate spelling "awkward." It's exactly what it says it is. It's awkward. Cumbersome, if you will.)
Secondly, hey! I'm already doing it. I lapse into these little asides (indicated like so) pretty frequently. I suppose that probably means I'm a bit scatterbrained. It does all make sense to me. I just have these random tangents running through my mind.
Uhm...yeah. Awkwardness not entirely disspelled. I'm not going to lie. Anyway...more from me in a bit. Probably not too much of a bit, but yeah. :)

Hey,
It's been awhile because I'm 'busy' updating my other blog with 'happy and glorious' moments.

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I've become a person that overly sensitive in every single thing! I don't know how the heck this 'disease' effect me but, I think I'm emo! But....but, I love it!
Being an emo not so bad you see.. You can talk whatever your heart want to talk about, with the way it want them to be and so on. And now, thanks to the designers out there, EMO have their own fashion sense. Not with that over the top gorgeous dress, but with simple EMO style. Emo people also have their own hairstyle. How cool is that? Except that I didn't get my hair done the emo style...yet.

Enough with that.

So, why am I so depressed and peculiar and everything it between? Because my heart is in that situation.

Life is not sometimes hard.
It ALWAYS hard. Period.
But it is the way it supposed to be right?
Yea...right! Bullshit!

When I do this, it's wrong.
When I do that, it's wrong.
When I didn't do anything...
Oh yea, it's wrong.

What am I supposed to do?
I feel lost and clueless about everything.
I don't get every single thing.
I really wish I can ask God what he planned for me.

Be a hooker?

Be an accomplish person?

Be a full time depressed person?

Be an emo?

or what....?

Sometimes I think that I don't have the purpose in life but in the same time I know I meant to be something much more than that.

Something better.

Something bigger.

This is life. Full question marks. Full of shit. Full of depression.

This is me. Stuck in between like a tuna sandwich or a california roll or something in between.

Keep guessing in life.

Keep being an emo depressed kid in the town. Like there is no tomorrow...

I am everything in between. Period.

.Today, I was walking around the corner from the house in which I'm staying, listening to my iPod, and began walking behind a chubby older man with a beard, a leather jacket and a little leather hat. A silver earring was in his left ear. I crossed the street so I wouldn't be walking behind him because he was smoking. Then he crossed street ahead of me. I looked at him and thought, "Yeah, he's a leather daddy..." And immediately, the man turned, looked at me and said something. I thought, "Oh, no! He reads minds!" I took off my headphones and said, "I'm sorry?" He repeated himself, "Are you related to the judge?" I breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh... no, I'm just keeping their house while they're away."

Things like this make me happy....


Do you know what else makes me happy? Getting closure, resolving issues, and feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart.
I ran into Ryan today. It was quite unexpected, as I had just been standing there talking to Amy when he randomly walked up and was like "Hey Mea." I was so surprised that I actually jumped. No, I'm not exaggerating. And then, after I'd returned the greeting...I just stood there. I hadn't seen him in months or even talked to him since that fateful day back in November, right before he stood me up. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I fumbled and bumbled until he asked how I was and I was able to reply and inquire the same question. After a few moments of awkwardness, Amy (who knows everything in relation to the whole Ryan issue) was like "Well, I've got to go." and just left like that. Well, after that he asked about my classes, what I'm taking, etc., then if I had any plans/anything I needed to do right then. I didn't. Neither did he. He said he'd come on campus to check his P.O. box and to go to the bookstore and return/pick up some stuff. He asked if I wanted to go around with him. I said okay.
We walked and talked, occasionally joking, occasionally letting moments of awkward silence pass. He acted like everything was normal....like nothing had ever happened. He made a point to try to include me, though. Finishing with different errands and inviting me to go with him to do the next thing, asking me what paint brush to buy, and telling me that I had made his Ryan outing successful. He seemed to be trying to show my by his actions that I'm, for lack of better word, valued or appreciated. However, when we were getting ready to go our separate ways and he was saying it'd been good to see me, etc., I had to get some clarity and resolve this issue once and for all. And so, I swallowed my fear and simply said something along the lines of "Okay, I have to ask...if for no other reason than to just make things awkward....what is this, exactly? I know it's kind of mean to put you on the spot like this, but I need to know. I mean...do you want to be my friend?..I thought you did but I don't know. I don't want something like before to happen again. I don't want to be thinking one thing when the other person is thinking something else."
I was really surprised that I got enough nerve together to say that. But you know, if I want to be friends with him then I should feel comfortable being upfront and honest with him about that type of thing. And so, anyway, he responded, saying that yes, he does want to be my friend, what happened before was all on him, and that he knows he needs to pull his weight this time.
:)
So, we're good. And maybe in some ways even better than before. Because I had always kind of wondered in the back of my mind, "Are we friends? Are we classmates? Are we classmates on friendly terms? What the hell, man?" and now, I know. We're friends, both wanting the other's friendship. So I can act like we're friends. I don't have to feel like I need a reason to call him and see how he's doing, etc.
I feel so much better. I mean, I'm still stressed about stuff (school-related, of course), but it's unbelievable how much lighter my heart feels after talking to him about all of this. It's incredible.