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Professional My Arse

“The professional always makes the right moves, knows the right thing to say, the right name to check. Controlled and measured, the professional never fucks the wrong person or drinks too much at the party. They never weep at the opening, never lay in bed for days too depressed, sick, broken to move. They say about the professional, “so easy to work with” or “so exacting but brilliant.” The professional takes advantage from every encounter, employs every new acquaintance as a contact, always hits the deadline. When asked about their work, they know what to say, a few lines of explanation sprinkled with enough filigreed intrigue to allude to abysses of research, the mysteries of making. They answer emails in minutes. Their PowerPoints are super crisp. Look at their website, so clean, so modern, so very pro.”


I have so much to say on this matter and I don't really know where to start so I'm going to ramble (nothing new there). The following is why I’ll probably never be a successful “Professional” artist.


I fixed my website which looked like it was straight out of 1998 and I hate it already, sooooo 2015.  I don't think I'll ever work out small talk and 'networking'.  I find art events challenging, particularly the fractured conversations, I feel as though I'm either interrupting or being interrupted.


A big-shot art dealer once felt me up while we had our photo taken, or more to the point, I was assaulted in an extremely intimate assertion of power and control while I stood there and smiled for the camera.  Needless to say I didn't sign with that gallery and ever since then I have difficulty talking to art dealers/curators and pretty much anyone who can help with my "career".  It’s not that I think other art dealers are going to ‘cop a feel’, just that ever since then, I think that I unconsciously believe that my work is shite because that one dealer had ulterior motives.  I was young and impressionable and straight out of art school and the feeling stuck.


The following sentence makes me angry: "Theory and discussion will explore perspectives on materialisation embedded in the logic and phenomenology of digital and analogue substance" (COFA).  I hate 'artspeak'.  


My work is still "arrrty crrrafty" (read: some people aren’t brave enough to take it seriously) 

I always cry after openings (not only my openings).


So far this year I have earned $500 which I then spent on materials.  If it wasn't for my partner, I'd be destitute (I’ve started calling him my benefactor).


I love what I do.  Truly.  In the past, I tried to stop making work, I've never been able to give up.  My plan now is to just keep plodding along and if one day I'm a 'successful' artist that'll be a welcome surprise and if not, that's OK too.


Also, I should add that I admire the artists I know who are able to shape-shift to fit into the expected 'professional artist' box.  I know that many find it challenging.




I originally published a version of this on my website (see sidebar for link) where I keep a ‘Work in Progress’ Blog.  The main purpose of that blog is so that there are regular updates to my site.  Since my work takes forever to make, I’d probably only update once a year.  I figure Mindsay has been a logbook of my life since 2003 so I’ll post my WIP blog posts here as well.


Transformers Project: Find your Cyber Glyph, CNA Pin Code, and your PHF.

Take the steps here to figure out your Glyph and your CNA pin code.
What are Cyberglyphs? |  What is CNA? | What does your Glyph Number Mean?

Click Here [x]for the process to find your CNA pin code and your Glyph number.

Click Here[x] to find the last 5 numbers for your CNA pin code (OPTIONAL)

Click Here[x] to find your PHF - Personal Hailing Frequency

I recommend you take your time and if you need help let me know!

Check out the Glyph List[x].

Check your Glyph here: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9].

If y’all want, we can make a Glyph, CNA Pin Code, and PHF database that link back to our blogs/characters.

The thread that binds.
Sunday has passed, and with it Savanah has begun talking to me as a normal thing, I can't say I care either way anymore. Jail really changed my perspective on things, she is living her life and I am living mine, we talk, cool, it's not my focus to make her happy anymore, that's her boyfriend's job, but I do enjoy when a bridge can be salvaged and not burned.

On that note, I decided to see just what the issue was with Chelsea. I essentially told her I'm sorry for causing whatever change happened and if anything I've said while she's not been responding, well, I apologize for that too. I also told her if she wants me around, just tell me, and if the opposite is what she wants, tell me that, I don't care, I just want to know what she wants. 

She responded by saying, that honestly, I'm a little high strong, maybe a little pushy. She doesn't have anything against me, we're cool and all, but I've gotta relax.

I told her that she came at a pretty rough point in my life, and I guess I put more hope into her than I should have, her saying she wanted to be open and honest was the lifesaver I was looking for in that ocean of hell I was going through, and I'm sorry for that.

She said that she understands, and I don't need to apologize for it. She said it was also because I moved a little fast for her, though to be fair, she said she loved me first, and I was smash wasted when I said it to her, just gone in my head. She said it accidentally because of something silly I did, and I said it because I didn't want to leave her hanging, though to be honest, there were feelings there, just not that strong. This incident triggered her to push me away and say we weren't going to work, which she later went back and said she was high and over thinking things, so we both agreed to a redo, a fresh start. She brought this up and said that it didn't matter that we agreed to a redo, because the feelings were still there, the "love" I felt for her was going to be there already, and it was too soon for something so heavy.

I told her fine, the feelings would be there, they are still there now, but I'd rather have an honest attempt at something and go slow. I told her we both jumped the gun, I didn't mean to rush into anything, and that this whole thing was supposed to be based on honesty, something we both felt short-sided on from previous relationships. I told her she should have said something instead of just cutting me off. I also told her the I love you was incredibly premature, and that I like her, but love isn't something I'd have said if I wasn't as drunk as I'd been.

She apologized for not talking to me, she said she knew I was already going through a rough time and she didn't want to hurt me anymore, that she realizes now it was a dumb idea.

I told her she didn't know the half of it, and that she has little idea of how it's been since we talked, since we really hung out. Whatever though, it's cool.

She agreed she didn't know, and I told her I never cut her out, even after all this, and we should just have a fresh start, I won't push anything, we won't expect anything. After agreeing, she said that we should be on the same page, and that she doesn't want a relationship, I told her I felt the same, too busy with life to want anything serious. That with all that's gone on, I've given up on relationships. I asked her what was new in life, she said kind of a bunch but she was getting ready for work, so we'd talk later.

And that's how a bridge was rebuilt from the ashes of a huge misunderstanding and fear.. We'll see if it flourishes or becomes derelict again.

I also had an interesting conversation with Rachel, my ex from back in high school, I was a Senior, she was a Sophomore, it was back in 2007, feels like a lifetime ago haha.. Anyway, she's getting married, we caught up, funny considering last year we were grabbing drinks about this time, actually no, it was further into Summer/Fall, but yeah and now she's getting selling her house and getting a new one with her future husband and it's crazy lol.. Anyway, she heard about all that happened with jail, and she's known my life to be a particularly tough one, in her eyes. 

So during this conversation Rachel says to me,"You've always been so positive. I don't know how." I replied with, "Lol I'll tell you a secret; I'm not positive, I'm determined, that's it." The meaning behind this is that even though I have really bad depression and anxiety, undiagnosed insomnia too I suspect, I manage to keep positive when my life is falling apart, but in my response I explain that it's not that I'm positive, it's that I am just too damn stubborn and determined to carve the life I want out of all these messes that I just can't let myself give up, and it seems like I'm seeing things in a positive light, but in reality, being positive has nothing to do with it.

During this whole thing I was helping my dad replace sprinkler heads, and getting some details on a motorcycle I might be picking up, and '83 Kawasaki KZ750, a shaft-driven cafe racer style bike. I also caught a ride from Ria, whom was visiting her parents down the road from my parents, and we picked up a few things at Walmart before going our separate ways.

From that point I just did a little bit of artwork while watching Exit Through The Gift Shop, my roommate having stopped by the house, changed, and then left with someone, probably off to our Sunday Tradition I haven't been invited to since I punched that newspaper stand about three or four weeks ago..

I don't know, between both Savanah and Chelsea deciding to be adults, I really wonder if I'm dying or something.. There's only one ex in my life I'm not on at least neutral terms with, my ex-fiancee, and I can't really say I care to be anywhere near her, Jordan. After all, her husband Nate has been rather threatening and harassing to me as it is, why would I give him legitimate reason to?

Anyway, that's my update, it's Monday now and I'll probably go to sleep late, wake up later and get my laundry done for the coming week, maybe try to figure out how I'll be getting to work in the coming week(s).

Later days,


PS, I also feel as if I may lost sight in my right eye, or, get a pretty interesting scar around it, just a feeling I'm getting... I also, sigh, decided to finally let go of my 1990 Nissan 300zx, Azure blue I named Leslie, my first car, the floating shell I've had sitting in my parent's backyard since 2009..

Sometimes, you have to just look towards the future and let go of the past. I am big fan, you could say, in the Chinese Proverb about the invisible red thread that binds us to people.. because my ghosts seem to haunt eternally, through time and space and these many lifetimes.

The first steps toward Adventure.. pt 2.
I stopped writing last night around four am, and when I left off, I had just seen Jordan, the ex fiance after many, many years... I felt like it was a good omen, to leave the job and life I had tried hard to build with her and see her the day of walking away from that.

The weekend after leaving L-3 at the start of August in 2013, my friends invited me to go camping with them, Chris and Abby and their son, along with Chris' parents, in Oregon. I say great, I'm up for that, when do we leave? They said five minutes, they were already pulling off the exit to pick me up haha.. It felt good to go on a long road trip, even if camping was just a few days, it was worth it to get away for a minute. Upon my return, I immediately got a tattoo apprenticeship with Immortal Ink of Ogden. Life seemed pretty good, and I was really feeling like I was going somewhere with my art, something I never imagined possible. I made a lot of new friends withing the shop, Sean and Barrett, and outside of the shop, Shae, Derek, Beth, and countless other people.

At some point during this, end of August start of September, I decided to do two things; I downloaded MeetMe and Snapchat onto my phone.. I randomly added a name I seen on MeetMe onto my Snapchat and on September 16, I got a snap from someone I didn't know, it was a video of two girls singing and dancing around like crazy people. Over the course of my apprenticeship, I snap random drawings and happenings going on in the shop, and that's how Savanah and I got to know each other.. just random snaps from then on until one day she got the courage to come to the shop.

October 9th, Savanah sends me a snap of her in this really spectacular vintage inspired dress, black and white with polka dots, and a big black bow on the front, and I decide then that I really want to see her, I want to see her in her dress and get to know more about her. After a few hours of cohering, I convince her to come to the shop, once she gets there, we hangout in the shop, just talk shop and get a feel for things, and she's great. As the shop gets ready to close up, I ask if she'd like to go get a coffee or something with me since it's still a little cold out, mainly just trying to bide my time so I can be around her more.. We go up the road to a place I frequent when I'm in Ogden, Grounds for Coffee, but the funny thing is, we never get out of the car, we just sit in her car for like two or three hours talking, just talking and talking, getting to know each other. It's around this point she admits that she drove around the block three times before she had enough courage to park and call me, letting me know she was there. Savanah is 19, brunette with a beautiful voice and terrific smile, brown eyes you just can't help but stare into. Later on in our time of knowing each other, I admit that right then and there in her car, I wanted to kiss her, and maybe I should have.. She's impulsive, shy, reckless, full of good intentions and just never can make up her mind about what she wants. Things continue to progress with Savanah through October into November, as life continues at the Shop.

November, Barrett has a friend named Layna and she is in a bind, she needs somewhere to live, and it just so happens I have a house I can rent if I want to, my grandparent's old house. I tell her about it and we make plans to move in and split the rent, it is then I sign myself away to lose many important things.. Long story short, Layna convinces me to pawn my motorcycle so we can cover rent, because she is unable to find work, and she has spent the money I gave her for groceries on who knows what, because we don't have food either.. None the less, I try to keep things friendly between us, and then she borrows my laptop without asking, and then leaves in December with it, her stuff and all the money I'd lent her. I lose my motorcycle, I lose countless pictures I had stored on that laptop, irreplaceable pictures and memories and ultimately, I lose my house.. It's around this time, the start of December, Savanah is staying at my house rather consistently for about two weeks, and I'm loving ever minute of it. She offers to give me the money I would need to keep the house, but I decline, it's not her burden.. I end up saying something stupid out of stress and she ends up pretty mad at me for a few days, just before Christmas.. I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm losing my grip but with the last of my money and courage, I ask Savanah to let me drop off a Christmas present to her. She agrees, and although still very mad and says she isn't going to hug me, she says she just can't stay mad once she sees me, gives me a hug and kiss, and things are a little better, she has forgiven me, and though I'm still losing my house and I'd lost countless other things, I feel alright.

Ultimately I lose the house and the items I specified above. Chris and Abby open their home to me and I move in with them in West Jordan, over an hour away from everyone and everything I know so naturally I have to stop going to the tattoo shop. I am without a car, in a place I only know them, in the middle of nowhere. It's hard but Savanah and I still talk and still maintain closeness, Layna is still ignoring my calls and texts, I'm still hoping to somehow get the laptop back. Chris, Abby and their son end up visiting Abby's parents in the midwest, so they leave me the 22nd of December and return about seven days later. During this time, I am utterly alone and incredibly depressed, and I'm running out of food since the closest stores are a ten mile walk away in the middle of winter, I refuse to eat food that isn't mine, that I didn't personally buy. My spirits are very low at this point, if not for Annamaria, I probably would have walked into a snow storm to die.

New Year's for 2013/14 wasn't a particularly good start to the year, I celebrate with Chris and Abby by going to a bar, Bout Time, then Iggy's for some food, followed by seeing Anchorman 2. We return to the house around 11:30pm and they promptly go to bed, leaving me to sit in my basement room alone..  A few days after New Year's, Savanah tells me she wants to pursue a different person for something more serious and says we should stop talking. During this point, I look back at my New Year's Resolution list and decide it would be best to go to the gym, and after borrowing my dad's racing bike for Triathlons, I bike ten miles to and 10 miles from the gym majority of the week for the coming months, and get in pretty good shape.

February 2014, around the start of the month, Savanah apolgizes and says she understands how it feels to try so hard to just be turned away and asks if we can date again, still continuing this situation so much like a relationship but not. I say we can and I end up getting a job interview up north in Ogden and Savanah let's me stay at her place for the weekend. During this time, I end up picking up an old 1983 Datsun 280zx and fall in love with it, feels good to be back on track to life again, though in all honesty, the car is a huge piece of crap, but I love it all the same. Savanah and I end up spending the morning of Valentine's Day together, and something happens, I still don't understand to this day, but she ends up crying and asking me to leave. I head back to West Jordan and later see that some guy named Logan cheered her up and brought her pizza and they watched movies. This guy will continue to just piss me off, though that is what life is, a constant tug of war with outside competition. During this time a friend from L-3 contacts me and asks if I'd like to move up north into a house he's renting for a really great price, I mull it over and weigh  my options for a few weeks. After getting back to West Jordan, Chris tells me that he and Abby are getting a divorce, something I never conceived happening. For many nights in February, Chris and I stay up late talking and drinking and going for walks to the gas station, it still is hard for me to comprehend for some reason, they were such a great team, a great couple, but they feel they are best friends but can't be together anymore, after seven or so years. Towards the end of March, on the 22nd, I move out of their house and into Dustin's house in Clearfield, where I currently reside. It's during this time I begin to make plans to get back into the tattoo shop.

On March 23rd, I go out with Dustin and Danny, one of our old friends from L-3, to a bar called Brewskie's. After a night of several drinks, we decide food is in order. I suggest a Denny's, rather close, just up the road, but Dustin doesn't know the way and would rather not have to quickly turn in any direction because any attention after last call is bad attention. He suggests somewhere closer to the house, somewhere in Layton, so we say Ihop, since I like Ihop more than Denny's. It's funny, if it were any other night, we would have gone into Ihop, but because of this night, it happened to be closed due to an issue with the grill, so we had to begrudgingly go to Denny's on the east side of the off ramp. It is here I meet someone new, our waitress, whom we have a fun time giving and taking jabs from in fun conversation. At one point she almost spills coffee on my phone and it is then I decide I'm going to get her number. I tell them this and they don't believe I'll pull it off, but a few minutes later the two of us go outside for her smoke break to talk. Her name is Chelsea, she's originally from Virginia and moved here after visiting her mom and realizing she likes the schools more out here. She's a 21 year old Bio-Engineering student, brunette with just ghostly blue eyes and a cute smile, which she later admits she wiggles her nose when she smiles if she's really happy but trying to hide it. Numbers are exchanged and we end up talking the next day, and even go out on a date. She is full of life and interesting to talk to, closer to my age than many of the girls I'd been dating lately, so it feels different, conversation has substance to it and I'm loving every minute of it. Being with her makes me forget all about that situation with Savanah, that back and forth push and pull of her.

As March closes out, we end up really getting to know each other and make communication absolutely key, we are open about how we feel, what we mean and what is going on in our respective lives. I tell her that I'm not dating exclusively, I'm also seeing Savanah, and that I have problems with Depression, Anxiety and Insomnia. The crazy thing, she accepts it, just right off the bat, which honestly I'm surprised of because within the first week of being together, I lose my shit lol.. I end up having too much to drink, we played beer pong and towards the end of that night, I let her know I was starting to lose my grip and feeling like I'm just a waste of space and she did the most amazing thing, she grabbed my hand looked me in the eye and said, Hey, you're ok, I'm here, I want you here with me. I calmed down after that and we finished off the night just hanging out with her friends before getting food. I do something foolish, like running out of her car while we're in line at McDonald's, and pee on a dumpster, which prompts her to laugh and say she loves me, which if I were sober I would have caught as a term of affection, not declaration of feelings.. but since I'm quite inebriated, I tell her I love her too, very much and I'm happy being with her, she just smiles and wiggles her nose. When we get to my house, she explains that she didn't meant it in that way and it's here I finally lose it and can't recover, I get to the point of crying, grabbing my sides and closing off to everything and grinding my teeth.. but again, she's there for me and helps me unwind. For majority of two weeks, she comes over after work and sleeps in bed with me, then we hangout during the day, go out with her friends at night, it's a pretty great place to be in life. March closes on a changed view on what I want in life.

April has been one hell of a month, and I think it deserves it's own post, so I'll stop here and come back after I shower and gather my thoughts.

Later days,


Water Stamp

So this stamp was made for those that like water and the classical water element, those drawn to water, etc.  Aomi's a Scorpio and a water sign, fond of ice, snow, rain, storms, snowflakes, mist, dew, fog....etc.
Water (classical) element

Water, is a great necessity, without it nothing can live. Only earth and water can bring forth a living soul. Such is the greatness of water that spiritual regeneration cannot be done without it.

Thales of Miletus concluded that water was the beginning of all things and the first of all elements and most potent because of its mastery over the rest. Pliny said “Water swallow up the earth, extinguishes the flame, ascends on high, and by stretching forth as clouds challenges the heavens for their own, and the same falling down, becomes the cause of all things that grow in the earth.

Water is a cleansing, healing, psychic, and loving element. It is the feeling of friendship and love that pours over us when we are with our family, friends and loved ones. When we swim it is water that supports us, when we are thirsty, it is water the quenches our thirst, another manifestation of this element is the rainstorms that drench us, or the dew formed on plants after the sun has set.

The power of the energy of Water, can be felt by tasting pure spring water, moving you hand through a stream, lake, pool, or bowl full of water. You can feel its cool liquidity; it’s soft and loving touch, this motion and fluidity is the quality of Air within Water. This Water energy is also contained within ourselves, our bodies being mostly composed of Water.

As well as being vital for life, within the energy of this element is contained the essence of love. Love is the underlying reason for all magic. Water is love.

Water is a feminine element, it also the element of emotion and subconscious, of purification, intuition, mysteries of the self, compassion and family. It is psychic ability; water can be used as a means of scrying or as an object for meditation. Water is important in spells and rituals of friendship, marriage, happiness, fertility, healing, pleasure, psychic abilities and spells involving mirrors.

The Element of Water is a heavy, passive element and is contrary to Fire. It is associated with the qualities of darkness, thickness and motion.


DIRECTION: West - the place of the setting sun.
TYPE OF ENERGY: Receptive.
BASIC NATURE: Flowing, purifying, healing, soothing, loving.
COLOUR: Blue - from the hue of deep water
PLACES: Lakes, springs, streams, rivers, beaches, oceans, wells, swimming pools, bathtubs, showers, bedrooms (for sleep), health spas, steam rooms, fountains.
RITUALS: Purification, love, psychic awareness, dreams, sleep, peace, marriage, friendships.
RITUAL FORMS: Dilution, placing into water, washing away, bathing.
HERBS: Aquatic, such as water lilies and seaweed; fleshy, as in succulents and lettuce; loving, as in rose and gardenia; generally flowers.
STONES: Transparent or translucent, as in amethyst and aquamarine; blue, as in blue tourmaline.
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT: Cymbal, bell, all resonant metals.
CREATURES: Cat, frog, turtle, dolphin, whale, otter, seal, dugong; most fish and shellfish.
SEASON: Autumn - the time of harvest.
TIME: Dusk.
MAGICAL TOOL: Cup, the cauldron.
SENSE: Taste.
NATURAL SYMBOLS: Shells, a cup of water.
TYPES OF MAGIC RULES: Sea, ice, snow, fog, mirror, magnet.
GODDESSES: Aphrodite, Isis, Mariamne, Mari, Tiamat, Yemaya.
GODS: Dylan, Ea, Manannan, Osiris, Neptune, Poseidon.


Water Info Source:


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