Argument @ MindSay

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I seriously fucking scared myself today.
I was reunited with that blackened, blankened emptiness in my head - the very same one I had when I spat on Ash from the top of the wonky stairs, when I punched her in the face by construction and the several major arguments with Shelly where I came close to strangling her.
 
I don't even remember what the build up to it was - I can only remember the during and the afterwards.
I remember getting more and more frustrated with her, knowing she was being a fucking stupid cunt as usual - being so damned selfish, self-centred, self-important, spiteful and generally immature - to the point where I ended up leaning over her, pinning her to my bed by her shoulders - actually not using a massive amount of strength, but she wasn't able to fight me off.
 
I wasn't violent - I didn't hit her - but I spoke with that incredibly sarcastic, patronising, calm-yet-very-violent tone - making no effort to swallow excess saliva - so when I said my harsh consonants, she got my wet rage on her cheeks. And I said a lot of harsh consonants.
 
I wanted her to be scared, and I knew when Shelly gets  that scared, she has accidents. I wanted her to piss herself - I wanted her to be humiliated, ashamed - I wanted her to have no control over herself.
I spoke to her like this for about 10 minutes, then went to sit at my computer for a while. What I did, I don't remember - but she didn't move - she stayed on my bed, laid in the same position.
 
I went back over to her afterwards and returned to what I was doing previously - but harsher.
At one point, I saw her flush red and she started crying hard - as opposed to the watery eyes she'd had for the rest of the time. I had a feeling I may have accomplished what I set out to do - but I made her admit to it to humiliate her further.
 
There's another gap in my recollection - but after this, I went to lay in my special space - between my bed and drawers. I took a pillow and laid on the floor, my head by the boiler and my feet by the desk. I cried a little bit, because I felt guilty. Then I cried a lot, because I was depressed and ashamed.
I couldn't apologise for a very long time - nor could I bring myself to look at Shelly. She made me eventually and I gave a sort-of apology. I don't think it was good enough, but she assured me that it was.
 
She made me tell her some events from "5 to 15" that I don't like talking about. She insists that they have some answers to why I feel the way I do now.
 
Well I'm willing to bet they do - but not as significant as she makes out. She fucking assumes wrong all the time. How dare she fucking assume and then go ahead to state that I ENJOY feeling depressed all the time. No, I'm not fucking content in my own depression. If that was the fucking case, I wouldn't have agreed to more sessions with Dianne. I wouldn't fight with myself every fucking night to stop myself cutting.
She is the fucking stupidest cunt I know. Who the fuck would say I enjoy being depressed? You can CLEARLY fucking see that I don't! Anybody could fucking tell you that!!

My hair needs to go.

It’s just awful. It's fried due to all my dying and straightening and not taking care of it. It's also a really gross shade of blonde (the brown I got done last month has faded out). I don't see any more reason to keep it, especially since I have bald spots due to trich. And it'll take months before I can comfortably leave my hair down without being self-conscious about my bald spots. But who says that I won't pull a new bald spot by then? I figure that shaving my head (or cutting it less than a cm, same difference in my mind, really) will be a new beginning for me, and the hair that grows in will be my natural colour, and healthy. My hair right now is like straw...the same colour and everything. I can't stand to even look at it never mind touch it. In fact, I've been pushing it all back into a ponytail, and using a headband for my bangs because I can't stand to even touch my face. I hate it.

 

Of course when I do this (which will be within a month) I will be wearing a wig all the time, because no matter what I'm still self-concious and won't have the guts to show my bare head in public. But I still take this as a way to improve my self-confidence and have a new beginning.

 

Unfortunately, my parents don't see it that way. About an hour ago I brought out the phone book and my parents asked me why.

"Because I'm calling a place,” I told them
"What place?"

"A wig store."

"Ohhh stop it!" they said.

 

And from there was an argument. Not much of one really. The main thing they kept saying was "It's foolish!" But whenever I asked why they never gave a reason. Why is it foolish for me not to have security-blanket hair?

Why is it foolish for me to want to have a new beginning and help my trichotillomania?

Why is it foolish for me not to waste money on hair dye and products to try and “fix” my hair when I could just cut it off and have natural healthy hair?

 

Ok, granted, wigs are 250 dollars or more, but I'll be using it all the time once I buy it, and seeing it as “dollars per use”, it's not that bad. And this will probably be a one-time deal: I've learned my lesson about excessive hair dying. And once I shave/cut my hair really short, I won't have any to pull. I see it as an advantage for me to not have hair at this point. I don't see why my parents think having a shaved head as a bad thing. It's hair, not an arm or a heart. I can live without it.

 

The funniest thing in that argument was when my mom said "You're going to need your hair for the winter!"

Jeeze...I know we have really cold winters, but this is my first time hearing about deaths among people with shaved heads, lmao.

 

Regardless of their opinions, I will be doing this once I can get a wig. It'll boost my self-confidence and get rid of my vain “ways”. After all, I am not my hair. I don’t understand why they think I am. Are they going to be ashamed of having a daughter with a shaved head? If so, that’s really pathetic. I’m already half way there with my bald spots, why not just “finish the job”? Or am I supposed to wait till I pull it all out? Sure, I haven’t pulled in 9 days, but that doesn’t mean I won’t again. I’d like to think that I won’t pull, but this is an “addiction” and relapse is very much possible.  

 

-Kristal St. Jean

 

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I expected today to be better than it was.
We had a good start, a REALLY shit middle then the rest perked up a little, but didn't return to how good the day had started.

Shelly proper wouldn't let me sleep. I hadn't had enough due to her proper pushing me out of bed - so I certainly didn't fucking appreciate being woken up at 7 in the fucking morning.
She woke me up like every fucking hour following this, so I was still half-asleep on the airbed when Ash arrived at 12. It was funny watching her climb over the airbed. Then they both pulled the duvet off me because they're knobs. :P

We started the day with Guitar Hero and snacks.
Ian was round, so he was in and out and I was up and down - we were talking about our usual stuff - games. He surveyed the PS2 games I've collected so far. Oddly enough, he approved of them - and even said that Herdy Gerdy is supposed to be a pretty good game. I'd never even heard of it, I just bought it because it was a) cheap and b) a platformer/adventure game.

Then of course, Shelly has to ruin stuff by ranting at me.
Mainly me, but she unneedly included Ash and made her cry.
Shelly was facing me, and I kept miming "Ash is fucking crying because of you" until she ended up turning around to comfort her.

She even kept bringing it up when we were eating, despite the amount of times I'd told her "NOT NOW."
And as she always fucking comes in the kicthen and hassles me when I'm preparing stuff or cleaning up - I was pissed at her enough, so I certainly didn't need her then.

Dad could see I was pissed off and he asked if I was alright, but I made out it was mainly because Shelly was proper in my fucking face - those exact words.
So he went in there and told her. Ha ha ha.

I hated Ash leaving knowing she was still a bit upset. I gave her a big hug, hoping she'd cheer herself up. She knows just as well as I do how much of a knob Shelly can be sometimes.
I only really despise her when she makes Ash cry. Seeing Ash cry makes me want to cry too, so...
Saying that, I don't suppose me doing the slit-wrists hand motions towards her when Shelly was out of the room helped matters.

If Shelly hadn't stayed longer, I would have done.
But even then, she made me upset.

She tried making me feel better, but it ended up making me feel worse.
And despite the fact I didn't want to, and she knew I didn't want to - I felt fucking obliged to do things to her. I didn't do anything but rub her - but when she said "Is that all?" after 10 minutes - she'd done me for less - she made me feel worthless and like a failure so I just cried. With no hesitation or anything.

I didn't do it to deliberatley make her feel shit, but I hope it did.
She consoled me a little bit before she left, but today was just a prime example of how she can ruin a day that I expected to be decent.

bad day. REALLY bad day.
its like no matter what i do, im still destined to fail at life...
no matter how good i am to other people, or happy i pretend to be, or how much i act like i just dont care; its all for nothing.
and i dont know what to do anymore.

i came home after it all went down and just cried. i was standing there feeling stupid for just crying so i went in and got in the shower fully dressed as a punishment. also because i thought it would help soothe me. i get out 10 minutes later still crying.
i call aj. he listens.

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i wont let myself be depressed though. i bounce back. i ALWAYS bounce back. so im going to take a couple of tylenol and im going to sit back and think of all the good things in life like beccabooskii and i am going to blog and i am going to be happy.

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im going to let aj sleep with me in my bed.

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Seriously!
Shelly and I have discussed today and neither of us have any idea what the fuck happened to the nine hours we spent together.
We didn't even play Guitar Hero or anything!

We've established that we spent around an hour on Facebook and Farmville - and around an hour cooking our meal and eating it - but fuck knows what happened to the other seven hours.

Regardless - I've really enjoyed today.
I've felt so close to my special girlfriend Shelly.

I was cuddled up to her on my bed for a lot of the time - kissing her and talking.
After the argument we had yesterday, it took us around 25 minutes to talk it over and come to a conclusion - whereby we forgave each other and made up properly.
I was scared about it last night, I thought it would end up us splitting up our relationship - and I'm glad that wasn't the case. :)

Fair enough, we had quite a lot of sex today - but surely, we can't have spent SEVEN HOURS doing it?
Amongst the things we tried out today - Shelly repeated what she did to me in March, but was a lot more intimate and involved. I fucking loved it - and I repaid her the best way I know how. :D

If only my dad hadn't been in. :)
I have a problem - if I HAVE to be silent - I devote so much concentration to actually keeping myself quiet, I can't enjoy what she's doing to me as much.Sucks. :(