Appearance @ MindSay

So I have NEVER worn a bathing suit because I have never been comfortable in my own skin. I actually have scars from some skin infection I had as a child. I also have dark spots where the follicles are. After shaving, you can see the lil dots as I call them. Quite embarassing looking. I look at pple at the beach and just wonder how EVERYONE has spotless perfect skin. My face (THANK GOD) is good but my body is just scarred up. Any advice? Is it because I shave? I don't moisturize my body on a regular basis either. I also have sensitive skin and have a tendency of lathering a lot because if my skin doesn't feel SQUEEKY clean, I go crazy! I have to be CLEAN like a dish. Help!

Today's a lazy day.  I've been lounging around watching a Beauty and the Geek marathon on MTV.  It's addicting!  Who knew I could get roped into a show like this?

So, I spent last weekend alone..I didnt go out with any friends, but I'm actually glad I did take some time for myself. It really gave me a chance to analyze my life and everything around me to see where I stand (I also got a chance to get work done as well). All through the weekend, I looked at a bunch of past blogs (mostly more recent ones from the summer till now, though) and also at a bunch of pictures from grade 9. It really got my mind thinking about memories, how I used to write poetry, my "group" that I mentioned tons (ESPECIALLY during the summer), how I used to write blogs, how friends have changed, how I have changed, and just realizing how life is itself. I'm sure that whole sentence did not make a lot of sence, so I'm going to try and put it all in a nutshell (well, a rather long, insightful nutshell) instead of just listing things about each point...

 

So basically it all started out on Friday (latenight) when I was using the computer. I have mentioned in the past that I havent been using the computer really that often anymore, but really, when I do, im usually on it for a couple hours. On Friday night I was saving my whole folder of pictures, poetry, ect. to a data disc when I came across a whole bunch of pictures of me and jessica. One folder of pictures was from EXACTLY a year ago from Friday night (it was after midnight, so technically it was saturday, so it would have been the 24th). Me and Jessica are still the best of friends, but over the past little while me and her have gotten alot closer and have had a lot more serious talks and everything, even when theres all this stupid drama going on ALL the time (and I seriously mean, all the time). I was looking at these pictures, and there was one of me from a year ago, and I was shocked at the difference for just a year...what i usualy do is compare myself from a picture from grade 8 to now, and people laugh in surprise at the difference. But really, it shocked ME at the difference 1 year was. I kinda forget how I used to look and everything. I seriously have changed in alot of ways, and I know I mention this from time to time, but I like to because I always find it incredable how highschool and certain situations can change you in the most random ways. Back in the picture of me from grade 9 that I found, I had brown, shoulder length CURLY hair, was wearing clothes that were obviously a couple sizes too small, and was wearing barely any makeup at all. A year later, and I now have black hair that is now basically all straight due to months of striaghtening it with a professional straightener (it took less that 6 months to loose almost all curl i had), and is past shoulder length, I wear the right size clothing or baggy clothing, and will hardly will be seen without my eyes completely surrounded in black.

 

But besides physical appearance, I also took time to analyze my physcoligal changes as well. Seriously, has anyone looked at some of my earliest blogs recently? (I'm not pressuring you to do so, it was just a question:P). The way I used to write back then is an embarrasment to me now...I'm not really talking about poetry (although, i do admit I dont like most of my old poetry, but ill get to that later on...). I'm mainly talking about blogs. I would write day to day, use about 20 smileys for a blog not even a third of the size as this blog, spell every 5th word incorrect (and I know I continue to make grammatical errors, but I really try not to), and it would be about the most stupid things ever. I remember one time I wrote a blog bitching about my brother letting his friend using my hair straightener without asking...I look back at that now and I want to slap myself for that, because its the most ridiculously childish thing ever  to write about over the internet, not to mention very childish thing to rant about. However, I have matured from that..but I still dont like the fact that I'm blogging so much about depression and how sad I am and everything...it makes me feel like a whiner, and even I was saying to myself, "suck it up, sunshine". And I actually have, thankfully. I hide my sadness alot better from people in order not to bum them out, but the thing is thats caused me to blog about depression alot more recently, and I look back at blogs from the summertime and I realize how annoying it can get, so I'm going to try and limit that a bit, and try to channel that energy into writing more, because my writing turns out alot better with emotion packed into it. Today is the perfect example of this: basically today I was informed of being called a stalker by one of my good friends and all this other teenage drama shit that comes with highschool, and I couldnt pay attention in careers class so I wrote a poem:

Black Swan

Secrets fall upon your unspoken lips

I reach to you with outstretched fingertips

You look at me with apologizing eyes

But instead of helping, you say your goodbyes

Without having a word to say

You turn and walk away

I watch your shadow fade into the mist

And I know those lips will continue to be kissed

For in our world of darkness, you are the light

And I’m the opaqueness of the night

I am only allowed until the outbreak of dawn

Because in your perfect world, there is no room for this black swan

That is, until you need me to fly you out of the wasteland

To go back to where you are supposed to stand

And once back in your perfect landscape

You thank me for helping you escape

But I know it’ll only take until dawn

For you to leave the Black Swan

 

By: Kristal St. Jean

Date: November 27, 2007.

 

Now, just to clarify soemthing, this is NOT about me missing my ex boyfriend, although it could seem that way because of the line "And I know those lips will continue to be kissed". But that line just means more about friends, and stuff, but its too complicated to explain.

 

So yea, thats basically an indepth update with me. I would love to finish off this blog better, but it is 20 after 10 right now and ive been on the computer since 8, so my dads getting frustrated with me..

 

anwyays, byebye for now.

 

-:|Kristal:|

Last night I was reading from Matthew when I came across this passage:

"Meanwhile, as Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard, a servant girl came over and said to him, "You were one of those with Jesus the Galilean."  But Peter denied it in front of everyone.  "I don't know what you are talking about," he said.  Later, out by the gate, another servant girl noticed him and said to those standing around, "This man was with Jesus of Nazareth."  Again Peter denied it, this time with an oath.  "I don't even know the man," he said.  A little later some of the other bystanders came over to him and said, "You must be one of them; we can tell by your Galilean accent."  Peter said, "I swear by God, I don't know the man."  and immediately the rooster crowed.  Suddenly, Jesus' words flashed through Peter's min: "Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times."  And he went away, crying bitterly.
                                                                  -Matthew 26:69-75 (NLT)

Now I've seen this passage many times before, in fact, I would venture that most Christians think they have a pretty good idea what these verses are about.  It's kind of a chain reaction thing:

    1.  Jesus predicts Peter's denial.
    2.  Peter denies Jesus.
    3.  Peter realized his denial, feels awful, and Jesus' prediction is fulfilled.

Until last night, I was really truly convinced that was all there was to this verse, but as I read last night, I noticed something very different.  There are other people in this story.  Three times, Peter is approached by others.  They don't just ask him if he was with Jesus, they make definitive statements: "You were one of those with Jesus the Galilean." in verse 69, "This man was with Jesus of Nazareth." in verse 71, and "You must be one of them; we can tell by your Galilean accent." in verse 73.  Of course, Peter emphatically denies any association with Jesus, but somehow I doubt it did much good.  These ordinary people could tell just by looking at him and spending time with him.

What does that say about us?  What about us identifies us to the rest of the world?  What causes other, ordinary people who don't know us to look at us and say "That person must be a follower of Christ."?  I think far too often, we would realize that there is really nothing.  Nothing to distinguish us from the next person.  Nothing to show the rest of the world what's different about us, the radical change we've experienced in our lives.  We tend to give good old Pete a lot of crap for this passage, but in the end, I think he was still doing something right, because it was clear to those other people that he was a follower of Jesus, even when he denied it with his lips.

Just a little food for thought on Thursday.